‘Child-free’ wedding

[BeZanyUmberBird]

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come.
without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

I don’t think you need to feel bad about bridesmaids tbh. Most people (unless they’re completely unreasonable) understand that the nephew of the groom is not the same as a friend’s child when it comes to wedding invitations. I’ve been to childfree weddings where the bride’s nephew was there - it didn’t cross my mind to think “hang on, it’s not fair that the bride’s close relative is here and not my child!”

I think leaving out family children is a shame

I hate taking my kids to weddings! way easier without them! i can enjoy myself and have drinks and stay at the hotel and not have to get up with them in the morning.

We took my 3 year old to a wedding last year and i spent the whole day following her around - my husband and I had to take turns taking her outside for a run around during the meal - I barely got to catch up with anyone.

I left her behind with husband at my own sisters wedding as it was actually just easier that way

Id not invite him if thats what you want! brothers wife can miss out - what does it matter ! A wedding is just dinner and drinks and dancing - she wont miss much.

100% guarantee that OP will be back here in 2-3 years time complaining that the in laws have no interest in her precious child.

Ok, I think it was a bit harsh calling me a princess!
I love children, I love my friends’ children but we decided to have a child-free wedding.

Whether or not my future nephew is a PITA (he is, BTW) universally agreed by most of the family. I have tried with him, repeatedly, since he was 3 years old and neither I or any of my future family can get manners or even acknowledgement from him when we visit. Even his grandparents (my DFs parents) are increasingly reluctant to babysit for them anymore.

the issue is do we make an exception for a nephew or do I stand my ground on the decision we made months ago rather than a character assassination of me please.

My fiancé and his brother are very close - they ran a business together for many years.

My sibling just got married and it was genuinely an incredible life experience for my 10 and 13 year olds. Including my son who usually prefers the PlayStation to chatting to adults!@

I can't imagine leaving such close family out if a major celebration like this

We attended a friends wedding years ago, we had kids at the time.
It was kids free, no issue as it was local.
Some cousin of the bride turned up with a 12 year old girl, husband and she were part of our table.
She never shut up.
Dominated the conversation despite being asked to tone it down by two people at the table, not by her parents I might add.

We finished the main course and we had enough.
We left the table and had our desert in the garden.
We were quickly followed by 8 others.
It was appallingly rude of the parents to not ask her to give it a rest.
They smiled indulgently, most bizarre.

I heard afterwards that she had been specifically told no to bringing her child by the bride.

She just ignored it and turned up.
The bride was very pissed off and told her mother and aunt just how upset she was after the wedding.
There was a big family fallout.

It certainly ruined the meal for us and others as the empty table was testament to.

Some 10-12 years could happily join a table and know how to behave, but not all.

Stand your ground. DF can't decide to go back on what you agreed on and as you said, it also won't be fair to those who have gone to the effort to sort childcare.

Other people enjoying weddings with children there or some children enjoying weddings are irrelevant. It's your wedding and it is what was agreed on.

They genuinely get a lot out of it, they're great family experiences. There's rarely bad behaviour in my experience.

Well OP, been there done that ... with my ex-H; he wanted child-free, me not so keen; ended up with my DSiL upset as my nephew and niece were totally excluded too (he refused for them to be any part in the wedding at all). This didn't pan out so well for us and was always a point of tension.
How far away is the wedding and what sort is it? Is there any way you could include all the children but avoid having to pay for an expensive sit-down meal. You would however have to pay someone to look after them.

However, it could have been agreed on in the same way that I agreed with my exH because I (fiance) hasn't thought the whole thing through and was hoping that he would get away with it instead of trying to reason with the bride (in my case my exH who was a bully).
My point is that he could just have gone along with this rather than actually it being what he wanted.

I think your problem is that your fiance made a unilateral decision about this. That is what would nark me.

I find it hilarious when people say weddings are about joining two families - so often the families end up hating each other ever after, or at best tolerating each other.

Came on to this thread to see the usual comments from people on how it's not a wedding without kids, it's such a shame, you're being a princess not to want kids etc.
All pretending like some kids aren't noisy and disruptive or get bored at weddings...
Why are we pretending that its all cute little dance moves and giggles? I've been to weddings where kids talk through the ceremony (or worse cry) then dominate the topic of conversation and are then the centre of attention, surly teenagers who are clearly bored out of their minds, toddlers who are clearly overwhelmed and therefore upset all day.... can we stop this pretence that all kids add heaps of fun to weddings?

So don't get married? But if you do get married, that is what you are doing...

In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time!

Most of the people i know who talk about it being great for parents to attend a wedding "away from their kids to have a relaxing time" are people who don't have kids and imagine them to be a burden.

My BiL (childfree) once admitted when drunk that when saying this he really means he wants parents having carefree fun with him and not distracted by/prioritising caring for their kids. He is constantly trying to schedule childfree activities on weekends and just seems oblivious that we all have swimming lessons, family time, play dates etc..

For a lot of working parents weekends are precious family time when everyone is in work/school/childcare all week. Sure to you its only 1 day for your wedding but there's always something - a request from friends to go on a boys golf day, numerous weddings, 40ths etc. It can feel like childfree friends spend all their time trying to get you to abandon your children on weekends when its the only time you have with them!!

Do you mean your sister wanted a child free wedding and the family bullied her into having children there?

I went to a wedding this weekend, and whilst the bride and groom were having their first dance, multiple people's little shits we're doing knee slides across the dance floor, screaming and shrieking during the speeches and ceremony. Getting up and running around during the vows.

weddings with kids who are spoilt and misbehave are rubbish. People seem to think the world revolves around their kids and it doesn't. I had a CF wedding and it was fabulous. Utterly brilliant and definitely not rubbish. Not one single person moaned about not bringing their kids.

and no, it's not a 'family event' what does it have to do with wider family? They aren't getting married. It's the bride and groom. That is it and that is all. If family want to make it about themselves then they are very self absorbed.

and yes I have DC.

Childfree bashing has started……

Is it really worth falling out with his brother over? What matters more, his brother being there or your nephew not being there.

Kids can be pains. So can elderly relatives or siblings etc.

Did your sister say the wedding was centred around family or is that something you decided?

But you're not joining two families are you? The bride and groom are joining. But the wider family aren't. How does the brides aunt join the grooms cousin because of a wedding?

it's a moot point. There's no 'families joining' at all apart from the B&G.

If your DF wants to invite the child of his brother he's very close to then he should imo, and you shouldn't stand in the way of that.

Yes, it's your wedding, and yes you made a decision originally, but it's now about relationships long term.

Making an exception for one nephew (assuming there's no drip feed about there being 20 other uninvited nieces and nephews) shouldn't remotely cause offence with any other guest. Especially as your DF and his brother are very close.

I’ve been on the other side, the sister of the bride and my kids (her niece and nephew) not invited. I assumed it meant she didn’t like my kids, and after reading your post it backs that up for me. This will likely be what your fiancé’s family are thinking.

This. Having one kid there is the worst of all scenarios. Either your fiance grows a backbone and tells his brother no, or you allow the whole wedding party to bring their kids.

I know I'd prefer a fiance with a backbone.