In laws didn’t mention my dead brother

[Bob1980]

My brother died at Christmas. I got the token sympathy cards from mother and sister in law. However, when I’d spent Christmas Eve arranging my brothers funeral, my MIL was still so insistent on exchanging the usual ‘Happy Christmas!’ greetings. Then after the funeral, the inlaws never once asked how I/my family are. When I met up with them for the first time in person following my brother’s death, (we live 2 hours drive apart), not one of them even mentioned it! It was like nothing had even happened. Even Gene Hackman’s death got a drop into conversation. My brother? Nothing. I’ve always deep down felt like they considered themselves better than my family and I’m thinking I was right. I’ve been their daughter in law for 22 years, am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of recognition for this tragic loss when we met up following my brothers death? (Both my parents are still alive and have lost their son; my brother was only 48 and had left 3 children behind who I had to break the news of his death to). What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

That is awful OP. Sorry about your brother's death firstly.
Do your in laws have form for being insensitive?

They probably don’t know what to say so rather than say something they’re ignoring it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I would feel the same as you.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling must be such a crushing thing. And this loss is still so recent for you.

It's absolutely not okay the way you've been treated by your in-laws. They should be deeply ashamed of themselves. Was your partner there during this visit? If so, they should have dealt with this.

It's not too late for them to contact their family and tell them they personally were upset you were treated in this way. Far better than you having to do it yourself.

If that is not going to happen, for whatever reason, you're perfectly within your rights to message them briefly and then distance yourself for as long as you need to. It sounds as though you have been treated as a second-class citizen in this family for a while and not considered to be a real part of it. Don't feel guilty about advocating for yourself.

I hope you have people around you who can be of real support to you at this difficult time.

I am so sorry op. 💐💐💐

Are they emotionally cold and thoughtless in general?
I wonder if they have form for this selfish behaviour.

Some people seem to take the approach that if they don't mention it, you won't get upset, so they say nothing to spare your feelings. Such a silly approach because it's not like you don't think of it every day, reminder or not.

Or they say nothing because they don't want to upset you, not really thinking that if you did cry or something, you have those feelings anyway, and they didn't cause it.

It is insensitive on their part. Do you think they are clueless or cold?

That is awful. Did they not attend his funeral as a mark of respect to you?
You really need to get your husband to speak to them as this is terrible🥲

Hi OP,

Firstly so sorry for your loss. It's a very sad, unsettling time dealing with grief like yours, and also looking out for your poor bereaved parents.

Grief is a very personal thing, and relating to someone else's grief can be especially complex & fraught at the best of times. I've lost 3 close relatives in recent years. Previously I would have been very awkward around other people's grief, it's really only after going through it myself now several times sadly, that I now have a better feel for what's appropriate.

With regards to your in laws, I'd say it's more they're awkward around death, empathising, relating condolences appropriately (or at all), & your grief in this instance. Don't let it derail you. If you'd like them to acknowledge it, bring up the passing of your brother (&/or happy memories of him) in their company, repeatedly if necessary, allowing them openings to offer condolences and acknowledge your grief.

A word from the wise, you will have feelings of anger & resentment at times over the coming weeks, months & years. Try not to let these spill over into other resentments (e.g. you thinking the in laws may feel they're superior to you, etc) otherwise this anger could fester. Try to accept & make the most of condolences & kindnesses from those who are capable of giving them, & try to understand & have some compassion for those who for whatever reason can't, or won't.
Mind yourself & take care.

The thing is, they are a very active church going family so aren’t strangers to people who are grieving. My father in law was a minister. It honestly feels like they don’t want my scummy brothers death spoiling their day when we all get together.

No they didn’t attend the funeral, which I never expected anyway as they live far away. However, I know this sounds terribly self-indulgent, but we had a memorial collection online for a children’s hospice instead of funeral flowers. My inlaws really are not short of cash, they are extremely comfortable in terms of finances , but they didn’t even chip in a single penny.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Your updates are horrible. I honestly wouldn't have much to do with them from now on or have much time for them. nothing dramatic but I wouldn't want to waste my time or emotional energy on people this cold.

They did once tell us to go to sister in laws for the first 2 hours of our visit down to see them all. This was so they could watch a football match on tv without being interrupted by their grandchildren (3 of them under the age of 6) who they only see a handful of times a year due to distance

Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I get it. I lost my brother 15 years ago (he was 48 too) and my in-laws were pretty much the same. That first Christmas I was numb but at least DH made a ‘toast’ to him.
None of them even considered attending his funeral and he hasn’t been mentioned since among the in-laws. It’s as though he never existed. I’m guessing it’s because he died a violent death.
Some people just don’t know what to do in these circumstances- I think they think by mentioning it I’ll get upset. On the contrary I love talking about my brother, he was such a character.
Bring your brother up in conversations when you’re around your in-laws.
Lots of condolences and take care of yourself

Firstly, sorry for you loss. It must be dreadfully hard.
Secondly, where is your partner in all of this?
thirdly, if they have the ability to be this unsubtle, and based on him having been a minister (being judgemental here but don’t you have to be quite self-focused to think you’re important enough to lead a flock? Read narcissistic. And I knooow not all ministers are like this but whatever, generalised sweeping statement is what I’m going for), I think you have narcissistic/just damn snobby, mean in-laws. If your partner tries to not rock the boat because theyre used to their parents crazy, then you’re in for a hiding to nothing if you “say something”. Just self-eject. Don’t waste any more of your precious time on them. They’re not going to see the error of their ways, they’re only going to declare you over emotional and paint themselves as the victims. Don’t even spend another second thinking about it. Let it wash over you and spend that time with your family or thinking of lovely memories with your brother - rather than trying to make dickheads give a shit about you. Feel sorry for them that they don’t get the chance to have so many wonderful people in their lives as they’re such dismissive bastards. And also, just because someone doesn’t think you’re important or worthy, doesn’t mean they’re right

edited to add I totally see the irony of me being mean re ministers - but I will defo reserve my judgement upon meeting any and be friends with a nice one haha

I do apologise if my replies aren’t showing directly to your responses - I don’t really know what I’m doing on here! I do really appreciate everyone commenting though, it feels like nobody is talking about my brother anymore

Do/did you mention your brother in any conversations with your in-laws post bereavement?
I ask this as being widowed, I find some people (not all) don't mention my husband when speaking to me.
I think it's that assumption that some folk have about not talking about the deceased unless the bereaved person mentions them as they don't want to feel that they have caused you to be upset.
In reality, you're bereaved - you'll be "upset" for years, so speaking about your loss in a respectful manner will not make you (or me) any more upset.
Sorry for your loss OP.

Yes I’m sorry for your loss op but can’t to say the same: sometimes people don’t broach things when they feel uncertain about how to handle it. That’s still a “them” problem not a you problem, but maybe feels less hurtful?

Devonshiregal, thank you. Just thank
you ❤️

Sorry about your loss (I’ve added this so you don’t get upset that I didn’t mention it) but people deal with death in their own way, my in laws didn’t ask me how I was when I lost a parent, and I wouldn’t expect them to, because if I wasn’t ok I wouldn’t tell them or it would be obvious. They may have thought they were sparing your feelings, or they may have been asking their son how you were and you don’t know it

Hello, I am so sorry for your loss. 💐.
When I was young some people my family unexpectedly lost their teenage boy. It was shocking and devastating for them and resonated around our community for years. My mother was away when it happened and when she returned went to offer her condolences to her lad’s Mam. It became apparent that their BEST friends, a couple they had grown up with and gone on family holidays with, had not so much as sent a card. When my mother mentioned she had been to visit, they said they had not and could not as they did not know what to say.
This was years ago OP and despite that almost every conceiveable form of human behaviour seems to be acceptable as conversation these days, including death, talking to the bereaved seems still to be an area of communication where people still do not know what to say. Perhaps they are frightened of saying the wrong thing? Don’t want to remind the other person of their loss? Don’t want to appear insensitive?
Though I suspect the reasons are far more complex and dynamic then we can express.
OP, know the Mumsnet Brigade is here always to support you, to hear the stories about your beautiful brother and to think about you. Xx

My DH died just before Christmas. I’ve experienced the same @Bob1980 . It’s also awkward when people ask how I am? I just don’t know what to say.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Because it has been 6 months. It’s ok to be grieving still, but it’s personal to you, not to others.

if you want to talk about him then talk about him, don’t expect others to do it

Lovelylydia, I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’ve not got the support you and your family needed

It’s difficult. They may think they’re going to upset you mentioning him, or may want you to take the lead. If you want to talk about him, then talk about him.