In laws didn’t mention my dead brother

[Bob1980]

My brother died at Christmas. I got the token sympathy cards from mother and sister in law. However, when I’d spent Christmas Eve arranging my brothers funeral, my MIL was still so insistent on exchanging the usual ‘Happy Christmas!’ greetings. Then after the funeral, the inlaws never once asked how I/my family are. When I met up with them for the first time in person following my brother’s death, (we live 2 hours drive apart), not one of them even mentioned it! It was like nothing had even happened. Even Gene Hackman’s death got a drop into conversation. My brother? Nothing. I’ve always deep down felt like they considered themselves better than my family and I’m thinking I was right. I’ve been their daughter in law for 22 years, am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of recognition for this tragic loss when we met up following my brothers death? (Both my parents are still alive and have lost their son; my brother was only 48 and had left 3 children behind who I had to break the news of his death to). What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

It’s sometimes easier to express condolences to church members than it is to tell your daughter-in-law how sorry you are that she lost her “scummy” brother.
You know your in-laws better than anybody on here, OP - do you really, truly feel they’re punishing you?
I can easily express myself, through writing and in person. I can come up to you and give you a big hug and tell you how much I loved that scummy brother of yours and how much I’ll miss hanging out with him and going to the games with him - and how very deeply sorry I am for your loss.
Not everyone is like me. Many people feel awkward and tongue-tied and they’re afraid they’ll upset you so they chicken out and go with saying nothing at all.
But they still feel great love for you and are bereft for you.
I’m afraid you’ll have to decide for yourself whether your in-laws are cruel or awkward. If it were me, I’d give them the benefit of the doubt.
I’m so very sorry you lost your beloved brother - I know how that feels. It’s like a protector is suddenly gone and you won’t ever be as safe as you were.
Sending love from California ❤️

Glad I am not a friend or member of your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine your pain. Your still very much grieving, it can be really difficult that life just goes on after a death and nobody seems to care, it can feel like everyone has forgotten and just moved on with their lives. Your angry at the injustice of it all and are looking for somewhere to direct your anger and hurt.

I lost my mum recently and have worked in palliative care, people can be really strange and awkward around death, they don't know what to do or say, some avoid talking about it at in case they upset, some think it's inappropriate, some overcompensate and try and make everything happy. It doesn't mean they don't care.

My suggestion would be to talk about your brother with those who new him, tell funny stories to his kids, look at old pictures and let yourself grieve for your loss but be thankful he was in your lives, he still lives within your family and memories.

Much love to you and your family 💐

Sorry for your loss

Ime (DH died young, just last year) people just don’t really know how to deal with death and the bereaved so their response is to just ignore it.
It hurts, but they simply don’t know what to say or don’t want to mention your loved one in case they upset you. They don’t realise that, actually, talking about them and acknowledging their death is a huge help.

I’m going to be honest with you - they don’t care.

Your grief isn’t even on their radar.
I think you need to get comfortable with this, and learn to care less on a few fronts.

Care less about how they are regarding your DB death. It doesn’t change how much you loved & cared for him, and it also won’t bring him back. I’d focus this energy on your own grieving.
Care less about whether they contributed to the charity. Those that loved and cared for your DB did, and that money will make a difference to the charity.
Care less about them and their lives. Don’t go out of your way & show up for them in a way they quite clearly aren’t willing to do for you. Support your DH as you always would, but draw the line there.
Otherwise this will eat you up for many years to come.

Unfortunately some families are emotionally inept and unable to have a conversation about bereavement with someone. I’ve know people cross the road so they don’t need to talk to someone that has recently been bereaved.

I would suspect in this case it’s this rather than malicious, it’s the inability to be able know how to deal with the subject.

a very poor show and rather sad to say the least.

sometimes part of this is the inability to deal with their own mortality

im sorry for your lose op as this is such a tragedy to strike you and your family. 💐

What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

I wouldn’t say anything, just match their energy. Next time their Great Aunt Mildred dies, just send a card like they did and don’t go to the funeral.

Did your DH support you when your brother died? If yes, I would just support DH when he loses a relative, not his in laws.

I don’t like talking about death and grief so I’d prefer your in laws’ approach. This is probably why I’m still in denial. You have your husband and mum to talk to.

DH was in hospital when my mother died, and for the subsequent funeral. Not once has he mentioned either. Some people struggle with such things but it feels uncaring at the very least.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

I’m so sorry for your loss @Bob1980 - I can’t even imagine what you’re going through and how difficult it must be for you.

What does your DH say? Is he aware how you’re feeling with regards to your in laws/ his parents?

The one thing you can control in this awful journey of grief is how you look after yourself. I hope you’re getting help in some way to process and also doing things that bring you comfort. There are many books and podcasts (alongside therapy) that can support you and give you ideas what to do. Try and concentrate on yourself for now whilst you work out how you feel about a future relationship with your in laws.

Sending love x

What would he expect from you in the same scenario?

Her FIL is a minister…. I mean… if ever there was a profession geared up for talking about death and providing comfort - it’s that one.

I'm sorry for your loss @Bob1980

I think your in laws have been incredibly insensitive and cold.

But I don't think it's your responsibility to talk to them about how hurt you feel by their lack of empathy and support, unless you want to. I think your husband should be doing it on your behalf - and I think he has been remiss in not already doing so without prompting. Does he lack sensitivity too?

If they are decent people, they will see where they have failed, even if they thought they were doing the right thing at the time. And make efforts to put things right between you.

OP, if you did say something to your in laws what response would be acceptable? You may not get that response and feel worse. Or is ot more a case of getting it off your chest?

Cannot understand why someone would remain married to someone like that.

The "dear" before husband is not appropriate in this case at all!

It honestly feels like they don’t want my scummy brothers death spoiling their day when we all get together

Sorry for your loss

Do you feel there is a reason your in laws looked down on your brother? Are they those type of judgemental people?

I had an ex just the same. My sister lost her husband at a very young age, they lived a long distance from us. After he died I was upset naturally and I wanted to visit my sister to support her but my ex wouldn’t not allow that. I was told quite vehemently ‘he’s dead, get over it’. My in laws were of the same mind too so his attitude, although vile, was hardly surprising as it seemed to be bred into him.
I can relate in some way to how the OP feels but all I can say is rise above it and hold your memories of your brother in your heart no remain strong for your family.

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience when my dad died suddenly. However it wasn't my in-laws but my best friend. Yes I got the initial condolences when I broke the news but after that there was nothing from her. I was going through the hardest most darkest time of my life and my best friend did not once check in with how I was doing and that hurt. Needless to say I have now distanced myself from her.
Grief is a terrible thing to go through and you need the support of your closest people to help you through it.

I’m sorry for your loss. I think I’d stop making any kind of effort with them at all.

OP, I’ve been in a similar situation. My son was stillborn and my in-laws did a stellar job of just pretending he didn’t exist, that we weren’t sad, that life was normal. One year later, they forgot his birthday and when I tearfully reminded them, they said I was being dramatic. I’m like you, and struggle with confrontation, but something clicked and I ended up screaming at them and calling them inconsiderate, emotionally-stunted fuckwits. Not my finest hour. I’ll be honest, it didn’t massively help. They didn’t change - I don’t think they were capable - and they didn’t apologise properly. They’re also very religious and his Dad is clergy!

Later, my brother in law went through a different tragic event and I thought they might be better at supporting him (I know our stillbirth also happened to their son, but I think they always considered it something that happened to me because I birthed him) but it turns out they were just as shit with him. Genuinely completely emotionally incapable. I’ve no real advice but we’re 7 years on now, and I look back more with disgust and pity rather than hurt now.

Sending you so much love for your beautiful brother.

I could have written your post OP. But about my mum's partner. Been with DH for nearly 25 years and when mums husband died, I never got a text or anything from any of the in laws. He was ill for a couple of weeks in hospital before he passed away. Nothing from any of them asking how he was, how my mum was.

It's damaged the relationship forever. It made me realise that they don't give a shit about my family. They think they're far superior and more important. I've kind of mentally detached. I don't show it on the outside, but I really have.

Gently, OP, I see no indication that their lack of response indicates anything about them regarding your family as ‘beneath’ them, and I suspect that the reason you’re so fixated on this is because of your grief, and your understandable inability to understand other people’s disappointing, baffling, insensitive failures in relation to the bereaved. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve just seen too many similar failures from people who genuinely meant well, and had no such issues with the bereaved family.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

Kindly, could you be looking for an outlet for your grief and directing it at them?

It’s possible they don’t know how to tackle the conversation and don’t want to upset you, rather than any lack of feeling. Could your DH mention how much you are grieving and see if that prompts anything from them?

So sorry.

If they didn't mention it, I would've, OP and reminded them "Not particularly merry in the circumstances". Talk about it with them if you want to. I'm so very sorry for your loss.