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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws didn’t mention my dead brother

204 replies

Bob1980 · 26/05/2025 23:53

My brother died at Christmas. I got the token sympathy cards from mother and sister in law. However, when I’d spent Christmas Eve arranging my brothers funeral, my MIL was still so insistent on exchanging the usual ‘Happy Christmas!’ greetings. Then after the funeral, the inlaws never once asked how I/my family are. When I met up with them for the first time in person following my brother’s death, (we live 2 hours drive apart), not one of them even mentioned it! It was like nothing had even happened. Even Gene Hackman’s death got a drop into conversation. My brother? Nothing. I’ve always deep down felt like they considered themselves better than my family and I’m thinking I was right. I’ve been their daughter in law for 22 years, am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of recognition for this tragic loss when we met up following my brothers death? (Both my parents are still alive and have lost their son; my brother was only 48 and had left 3 children behind who I had to break the news of his death to). What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

OP posts:
asnever · 27/05/2025 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 00:39

Bob1980 · 27/05/2025 00:20

No they didn’t attend the funeral, which I never expected anyway as they live far away. However, I know this sounds terribly self-indulgent, but we had a memorial collection online for a children’s hospice instead of funeral flowers. My inlaws really are not short of cash, they are extremely comfortable in terms of finances , but they didn’t even chip in a single penny.

Did they see the online post? You say you aren’t close and not all stuff from my family shows up in my algorithm. It would’ve been worth sending it to them. I did a fundraiser for my dog and not all family saw it because it just didn’t show up on their SM feeds. Once I posted it to them directly that helped.

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reported, using the R word is a disgusting slur and is just shitty. It’s 2025.

Original poster
Bob1980 · 27/05/2025 00:43

They absolutely knew about the charity collection, it was shared on my family’s social media, visible to them, several times. I’m
not as upset about that though, it’s the complete lack of anything, coupled with the heavy insistence at the time that we should all be saying the usual ‘happy Christmas!’ greetings literally 3 days after he died in my arms

OP posts:
ThatDaringEagle · 27/05/2025 00:44

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 00:40

Reported, using the R word is a disgusting slur and is just shitty. It’s 2025.

Edited
Show quote history

So is cursing in a post tbh. Yet you're doing it right here in reply 🙄

Do try to get over yourself precious!!

anothergrievingsister · 27/05/2025 00:47

I am so sorry, OP.

You and your beloved brother deserve better. I lost my own dear brother in a freak accident a couple of years ago. Some members of DH’s family all but ignored his death. This includes DH’s clinical psychologist sibling.

It is true that he lived very far away and they didn’t know him, but after all I’ve done for the family I expected more. We’ve stepped back a lot since then.

Hugs 🌺

Wingedharpy · 27/05/2025 00:47

Franchisingentrepreneur · 27/05/2025 00:36

My DH died just before Christmas. I’ve experienced the same @Bob1980 . It’s also awkward when people ask how I am? I just don’t know what to say.

I’m sorry for your loss.

"Putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best I can" used to be my response to that question @Franchisingentrepreneur .
Sorry for your loss.
It's not an easy path to navigate that's for sure.
Sending a hug your way - whether you want it or not!

Calliopespa · 27/05/2025 00:48

Calliopespa · 27/05/2025 00:33

Yes I’m sorry for your loss op but can’t to say the same: sometimes people don’t broach things when they feel uncertain about how to handle it. That’s still a “them” problem not a you problem, but maybe feels less hurtful?

Show quote history

Sorry: came to say the same…

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 00:48

Bob1980 · 27/05/2025 00:43

They absolutely knew about the charity collection, it was shared on my family’s social media, visible to them, several times. I’m
not as upset about that though, it’s the complete lack of anything, coupled with the heavy insistence at the time that we should all be saying the usual ‘happy Christmas!’ greetings literally 3 days after he died in my arms

i shared a charity fundraiser on my social media of which I’ve got family on; it doesn’t always appear on everyone’s feeds. The best way is to tag people to ensure they see.

it’s awful when someone dies especially around Xmas but I think the whole thing is some people just don’t know what to say. They sent a card which was kind. But they are probably scared mentioning him will upset you. It’s hard when you’re not super close to know what to do and what to say. Some people want to talk about their loved one. Some people want to keep the British stiff upper lip and try and move on. It’s a minefield. I think if you had mentioned him they would’ve took your lead and asked how you were feeling. I think the card shows they do care- they just don’t know how to act to show it. I know if I was in this situation I would be so scared to upset you further and I’d want to take your lead to talk about him.

Pallisers · 27/05/2025 00:50

Boreded · 27/05/2025 00:36

Because it has been 6 months. It’s ok to be grieving still, but it’s personal to you, not to others.

if you want to talk about him then talk about him, don’t expect others to do it

It is the first time OP has met them since her brother died. Of course they should have said "I'm so sorry about your brother. how have you been doing?"

As for the happy christmas stuff - that is astonishingly weird. Your brother dies and you are expected to be wishing people happy christmas 3 days later?

People are scared of talking to the bereaved - but that doesn't make it right. My friend lost her son when he was 17 and she said people she knew would cross the street rather than have to meet her and say something.

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 00:50

ThatDaringEagle · 27/05/2025 00:44

So is cursing in a post tbh. Yet you're doing it right here in reply 🙄

Do try to get over yourself precious!!

Show quote history

Using the word shit is totally different from using a disgusting word like that, you clearly know what it means which makes it even worse. Would you so casually use the N word?

ThatDaringEagle · 27/05/2025 00:51

Bob1980 · 27/05/2025 00:43

They absolutely knew about the charity collection, it was shared on my family’s social media, visible to them, several times. I’m
not as upset about that though, it’s the complete lack of anything, coupled with the heavy insistence at the time that we should all be saying the usual ‘happy Christmas!’ greetings literally 3 days after he died in my arms

The lack of anything is odd, I agree, especially when he is a minister, but as i & others have suggested I'd keep mentioning various happy memories of your brother in their company to prompt them to offer condolences in the coming months say.

Christmas is a family time, and without knowing them or you, they may have felt a 'normal' Christmas, without bringing up your brother's death specifically, would be better for you & your family & theirs at that particular time. I'm not saying they were right btw (they clearly weren't in this instance) but nonetheless they may have believed that on Christmas day in particular say....

Calliopespa · 27/05/2025 00:54

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 00:48

i shared a charity fundraiser on my social media of which I’ve got family on; it doesn’t always appear on everyone’s feeds. The best way is to tag people to ensure they see.

it’s awful when someone dies especially around Xmas but I think the whole thing is some people just don’t know what to say. They sent a card which was kind. But they are probably scared mentioning him will upset you. It’s hard when you’re not super close to know what to do and what to say. Some people want to talk about their loved one. Some people want to keep the British stiff upper lip and try and move on. It’s a minefield. I think if you had mentioned him they would’ve took your lead and asked how you were feeling. I think the card shows they do care- they just don’t know how to act to show it. I know if I was in this situation I would be so scared to upset you further and I’d want to take your lead to talk about him.

Edited
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This can be true op.
DH and I found out about someone’s bereavement through a third party. We hesitated about what to do as we had not seen them for a couple of years but in the end we ran into them a few months later and extended our sympathies. They seemed quite put out to be honest, and we wished we’d just pretended not to have heard. It was as if we’d brought it up and made them think of it again and they wished we hadn’t. Or maybe they were just fighting emotion, I don’t know.

It definitely left me feeling uncertain what I would do in future in a similar circumstance, and your ILs might have had similar reactions from people. Grief is a very personal thing and there aren’t a whole lot of social guidelines around it.

ThatDaringEagle · 27/05/2025 00:57

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 00:50

Using the word shit is totally different from using a disgusting word like that, you clearly know what it means which makes it even worse. Would you so casually use the N word?

Show quote history

I didn't use any derogatory word at all actually, I merely commented on your precious post. (Bigger fool me)
Now kindly stop derailing the OP's very personal thread & take your crusade somewhere else....

GoingToGraceland · 27/05/2025 00:58

So sorry for your loss OP. You know what they're like - they're not even pretending to care! You can't change them so you have to change your mindset and distance yourself emotionally.

I had to do this with my insensitive in-laws. My brother died and it was never mentioned by them. My sister in law (different brother's wife) died in her 40s after a long illness. My in-laws knew all about this. We had to travel and stay over for the funeral - they knew this. A few months later my MIL casually said "How's *Sarah doing?" I answered "She's still dead." She was so flustered and pretended she was asking about someone else. She wasn't. The thing is they're totally self absorbed and just don't register what's going on in other people's lives because they really don't care if it's not about them. I suspect your in-laws are the same.

Beaverbridge · 27/05/2025 00:59

You have my sympathy for your loss I totally understand, I had the exact same thing from in laws when my 19 year old nephew died in tragic circumstances. OH mother's words to me were " I've lost loads of people over the years". In hindsight my reply should have been Your 85 years of age I dare say you have!!. Needless to say I said nothing but it's stuck with me all these years.

MrsCatE · 27/05/2025 00:59

@Bob1980 I'm so sorry. I have read the Thread but must have missed if you were supported by your DH?

asnever · 27/05/2025 00:59

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 00:40

Reported, using the R word is a disgusting slur and is just shitty. It’s 2025.

Edited
Show quote history

Apologies. My mistake. I should have said emotionally incompetent.

Masmavi · 27/05/2025 01:03

ThatDaringEagle · 27/05/2025 00:10

Hi OP,

Firstly so sorry for your loss. It's a very sad, unsettling time dealing with grief like yours, and also looking out for your poor bereaved parents.

Grief is a very personal thing, and relating to someone else's grief can be especially complex & fraught at the best of times. I've lost 3 close relatives in recent years. Previously I would have been very awkward around other people's grief, it's really only after going through it myself now several times sadly, that I now have a better feel for what's appropriate.

With regards to your in laws, I'd say it's more they're awkward around death, empathising, relating condolences appropriately (or at all), & your grief in this instance. Don't let it derail you. If you'd like them to acknowledge it, bring up the passing of your brother (&/or happy memories of him) in their company, repeatedly if necessary, allowing them openings to offer condolences and acknowledge your grief.

A word from the wise, you will have feelings of anger & resentment at times over the coming weeks, months & years. Try not to let these spill over into other resentments (e.g. you thinking the in laws may feel they're superior to you, etc) otherwise this anger could fester. Try to accept & make the most of condolences & kindnesses from those who are capable of giving them, & try to understand & have some compassion for those who for whatever reason can't, or won't.
Mind yourself & take care.

Edited

Dont follow this advice

Frostynoman · 27/05/2025 01:03

They are selfish. For all those suggesting people don’t want to make those grieving feel uncomfortable I still say it’s selfish as deep down, they themselves don’t want to feel uncomfortable.

As regards your in-laws, they also sound as though they either don’t want to be inconvenienced or that they don’t care (or perhaps both.) I’d also suggest they feel that you’ve had your allotted time to get on with things by now so now don’t see a need to talk about your dear Brother.

I would distance myself from them. They’ve behaved very poorly indeed and I wouldn’t want o be around them.

I am really very sorry for your loss OP.

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 01:04

ThatDaringEagle · 27/05/2025 00:57

I didn't use any derogatory word at all actually, I merely commented on your precious post. (Bigger fool me)
Now kindly stop derailing the OP's very personal thread & take your crusade somewhere else....

Show quote history

By commenting it shows you think the word is acceptable. At least the person who wrote it acknowledged it was wrong. You clearly think using the word is okay.

Calliopespa · 27/05/2025 01:07

Masmavi · 27/05/2025 01:03

Dont follow this advice

Show quote history

I would follow it.,

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/05/2025 01:08

Some people don't always know what to say, saying nothing is very rude and cruel.
I am very sorry for your loss. 💐

AngelicKaty · 27/05/2025 01:08

@Bob1980 I'm sorry for your loss OP.
Had your in-laws met your DB? If not, I wonder if he simply wasn't on their radar? Even so, given that you've been their DIL for 22 years, it seems incredibly insensitive of them to not be concerned about you and how you would be feeling at Christmas just three days after your DB's death.

Original poster
Bob1980 · 27/05/2025 01:09

Calliopespa · 27/05/2025 00:54

This can be true op.
DH and I found out about someone’s bereavement through a third party. We hesitated about what to do as we had not seen them for a couple of years but in the end we ran into them a few months later and extended our sympathies. They seemed quite put out to be honest, and we wished we’d just pretended not to have heard. It was as if we’d brought it up and made them think of it again and they wished we hadn’t. Or maybe they were just fighting emotion, I don’t know.

It definitely left me feeling uncertain what I would do in future in a similar circumstance, and your ILs might have had similar reactions from people. Grief is a very personal thing and there aren’t a whole lot of social guidelines around it.

Show quote history

I understand that but this is my inlaws of 22 years

OP posts: