Page 7 | In laws didn’t mention my dead brother

Grendel7 · 27/05/2025 10:34

Bob1980 · 26/05/2025 23:53

My brother died at Christmas. I got the token sympathy cards from mother and sister in law. However, when I’d spent Christmas Eve arranging my brothers funeral, my MIL was still so insistent on exchanging the usual ‘Happy Christmas!’ greetings. Then after the funeral, the inlaws never once asked how I/my family are. When I met up with them for the first time in person following my brother’s death, (we live 2 hours drive apart), not one of them even mentioned it! It was like nothing had even happened. Even Gene Hackman’s death got a drop into conversation. My brother? Nothing. I’ve always deep down felt like they considered themselves better than my family and I’m thinking I was right. I’ve been their daughter in law for 22 years, am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of recognition for this tragic loss when we met up following my brothers death? (Both my parents are still alive and have lost their son; my brother was only 48 and had left 3 children behind who I had to break the news of his death to). What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

Sometimes people don't say anything because they don't know what to say,its always easier to talk about some celebrity that meant nothing to any of you but they may feel to mention your brother would cause you pain.When my mum lost her mum,(my nan),she cried every time anyone mentioned her,and when anyone talked about a funeral for someone she'd never heard of,and if anything came on the telly to do with death or a funeral,or a nursing home,off she'd go again. So,yeah it could just be they are avoiding the issue,try not to take it as insensitive.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 27/05/2025 10:36

Also with the donations, did anyone give anonymously? I always use the anonymous option if it is available, I don't like disclosing that I have given to charity and how much. Or they could have done a direct donation. They may not have done one at all if they didn't know him that well.

Calliopespa · 27/05/2025 10:36

Bob1980 · 27/05/2025 01:18

Gosh,that’s awful. I’m sorry you’ve had to also experience such insensitivity. I’d like to also add that my husband has talked about our loss in conversation on the phone to MIL. She said ‘yeeesss.’ Then she immediately changed the subject and started talking about her sister ordering logs for her fireplace. I don’t accept that she or the rest of them feel awkward discussing it, They were all raised and have lived fully within a church community; none are strangers to people grieving. It honestly feels as I’ve always suspected- they consider my family below theirs.

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I’m sorry you feel that op, and especially in so far as it relates to a loved DB.

Are you able to share other reasons why you think they feel that way, because I suppose what many on here are saying is that, in itself, their reaction around a death could seem more like a failure to know how best to handle it.

For my part, I can’t imagine “ feeling better than someone” would lead me to respond this way. I don’t deny that from time to time people do think they have “better credentials” as it were ( education, upbringing, financial position, morals etc) ; but even then I can’t see that they would decline to reference a bereavement because of it. I don’t think anyone vaguely normal - and I mean vaguely - genuinely thinks a person’s life just doesn’t matter to the point of not deserving mention because they didn’t get a certain uni degree etc. I just don’t, although I realise it’s a painful thought.

Can you explain why you think they would ever have such a view?

GingerPussInBoots · 27/05/2025 10:38

My in laws did just the same when our son died and also when my dad died
pretended that nothing happened

we are now nc for other reasons
them being abuse and nasty

dh v low contact
they’ve really messed him up a lot

mindutopia · 27/05/2025 10:40

It sounds like they are classic sweep it under the rug, keep calm and carry on, we don’t talk about hard stuff traditional stoics. Dh’s family is exactly like this.

I have no relationship with my family, so at Christmas when everyone is cheerful and exchanging presents and receiving cards and getting messages from far flung relatives, I get…nothing. I don’t mean from dh’s family. They buy me stuff, sure. But I have no family to send me messages or ring me or to laugh about that time when I was 10 and I did that thing. On top of that, I now have cancer.

I can see them Christmas or my birthday or whatever and literally no one mentions any of it or asks how I am. BIL and SIL came and stayed at our house on their way to and from a holiday last summer when I just got out of hospital after surgery and my face was so swollen I could barely see or get out of bed.

And like not one single, how are you managing with this cancer thing? Or are you okay? Or like any acknowledgement AT ALL that I’d just been diagnosed with bloody cancer and had a chunk of my head chopped off. It was all very, oh the beef is lovely, please pass the peas. No one said a word while I sat there with my head all bandaged up and my eye swollen shut. 😂 So f-ing weird.

It annoys me a lot because it’s rude, but as a family, they don’t talk about stuff. Like nothing remotely uncomfortable. Some families are like that. It’s not healthy. But I actually think they don’t mean to be rude. They just don’t know how to talk about difficult things. And they probably feel like they are doing me a favour by not acknowledging how shit life has been, but it doesn’t feel like that to me.

I’m really sorry for the loss of your lovely brother, OP.

Calliopespa · 27/05/2025 10:43

mindutopia · 27/05/2025 10:40

It sounds like they are classic sweep it under the rug, keep calm and carry on, we don’t talk about hard stuff traditional stoics. Dh’s family is exactly like this.

I have no relationship with my family, so at Christmas when everyone is cheerful and exchanging presents and receiving cards and getting messages from far flung relatives, I get…nothing. I don’t mean from dh’s family. They buy me stuff, sure. But I have no family to send me messages or ring me or to laugh about that time when I was 10 and I did that thing. On top of that, I now have cancer.

I can see them Christmas or my birthday or whatever and literally no one mentions any of it or asks how I am. BIL and SIL came and stayed at our house on their way to and from a holiday last summer when I just got out of hospital after surgery and my face was so swollen I could barely see or get out of bed.

And like not one single, how are you managing with this cancer thing? Or are you okay? Or like any acknowledgement AT ALL that I’d just been diagnosed with bloody cancer and had a chunk of my head chopped off. It was all very, oh the beef is lovely, please pass the peas. No one said a word while I sat there with my head all bandaged up and my eye swollen shut. 😂 So f-ing weird.

It annoys me a lot because it’s rude, but as a family, they don’t talk about stuff. Like nothing remotely uncomfortable. Some families are like that. It’s not healthy. But I actually think they don’t mean to be rude. They just don’t know how to talk about difficult things. And they probably feel like they are doing me a favour by not acknowledging how shit life has been, but it doesn’t feel like that to me.

I’m really sorry for the loss of your lovely brother, OP.

Edited

I think this is more it op: some people just don’t grapple with it. But I don’t think they pick and choose those who are “ worth” discussing it with. It just doesn’t get discussed.

And I’m sorry @mindutopia - and how ARE you doing?

GingerPussInBoots · 27/05/2025 10:48

Devonshiregal · 27/05/2025 00:29

Firstly, sorry for you loss. It must be dreadfully hard.
Secondly, where is your partner in all of this?
thirdly, if they have the ability to be this unsubtle, and based on him having been a minister (being judgemental here but don’t you have to be quite self-focused to think you’re important enough to lead a flock? Read narcissistic. And I knooow not all ministers are like this but whatever, generalised sweeping statement is what I’m going for), I think you have narcissistic/just damn snobby, mean in-laws. If your partner tries to not rock the boat because theyre used to their parents crazy, then you’re in for a hiding to nothing if you “say something”. Just self-eject. Don’t waste any more of your precious time on them. They’re not going to see the error of their ways, they’re only going to declare you over emotional and paint themselves as the victims. Don’t even spend another second thinking about it. Let it wash over you and spend that time with your family or thinking of lovely memories with your brother - rather than trying to make dickheads give a shit about you. Feel sorry for them that they don’t get the chance to have so many wonderful people in their lives as they’re such dismissive bastards. And also, just because someone doesn’t think you’re important or worthy, doesn’t mean they’re right

edited to add I totally see the irony of me being mean re ministers - but I will defo reserve my judgement upon meeting any and be friends with a nice one haha

Edited

This is the best advice in a nutshell
stop trying to make dickheads give a shit about you

feel sorry for them that they’ve missed out on amazing people that could have had an amazing relationship with
it truely is their loss

stop wasting your time on them and with them
you will regret all the time you wasted on them

sending you good wishes love and strength
you can get through this I promise

FJ21977 · 27/05/2025 10:57

I’m sorry for your loss… When my mum died, my in-laws literally took a huge step back and it took them 9 days to contact me which was in the form of a sympathy card (as they didn’t want to upset me!) I found this very odd and with my youngest son only being 15 months old, some support would’ve been welcomed! This put a strain on our relationship for a number of years…
The only thing I can think of is that as your brother was ‘your’ family, your in-laws may have viewed it that way and not felt the need to get involved especially financially via a donation and decided to just get on with things in their own lives - but a simple ‘how are you’ would have been nice in the scheme of things for you.
There’s nothing you can do to change the situation and as hard as it is, you have to accept their actions - but now you see them for who they are and it will be up to you what sort of relationship you have with them going forwards…

beAsensible1 · 27/05/2025 10:58

I know most people might find this too direct but next time you are in conversation you could say to MiL - "you haven't passed condolences for the loss of my brother or asked how i am?"

then don't say anything else.

NoGames · 27/05/2025 11:00

Sorry about your loss op. I recently lost my brother and I know what you mean.

My family and I have found that some people have completely disappeared since, not even a ‘how are you?’ text to my parents whereas others have been ringing regularly to check on them. I found people I know were good at checking in when he was ill but since he died, no one says anything. I do understand that it is hard for people and they probably don’t want to say anything to upset me.

I’m not sure if that’s the case with your in-laws but it is probably a factor. Also the stiff upper lip carry on attitude. I think even if you said something, you would be disappointed with their reaction so I probably wouldn’t bother. It’s not on though and I do agree with you.

Calliopespa · 27/05/2025 11:02

beAsensible1 · 27/05/2025 10:58

I know most people might find this too direct but next time you are in conversation you could say to MiL - "you haven't passed condolences for the loss of my brother or asked how i am?"

then don't say anything else.

I think if you want to get to the bottom of it op, this is actually the only way.

In fact, if the idea that they think he was somehow “beneath” them is really playing on your mind, you could even say that.

I personally suspect it’s “just their way” to breeze on; but if, knowing them, you feel that’s wide of the mark then I guess maybe you should just ask them.

stayathomer · 27/05/2025 11:03

i know a lot of people who just avoid avoid avoid. It’s so soon after his death op. I’d say bring him up and talk to them about him so they know

user7843209785 · 27/05/2025 11:07

I get it OP.
My Mil and BIL/SiL all moved away together, about 200miles.
They are the type that sends cards for the smallest thing. When they’d been moved 6mths or so, my only living relative (except for DH and DC) died. They were very old but still, she was someone that had been kind to them all over the years. Not a mention, not so much as a text message.
And then, a few weeks later a random granny of a friend died, pretty sure Mil had never met them but they all came up for the funeral!
Another friend lost their mum, and sil wanted me to find out their address to send a card…I’m civil with them because life is too short, but I will never forgive them or forget about it and this was 5 years ago now.

x2boys · 27/05/2025 11:17

Bob1980 · 27/05/2025 00:20

No they didn’t attend the funeral, which I never expected anyway as they live far away. However, I know this sounds terribly self-indulgent, but we had a memorial collection online for a children’s hospice instead of funeral flowers. My inlaws really are not short of cash, they are extremely comfortable in terms of finances , but they didn’t even chip in a single penny.

I'm sorry for your loss
Did they know your brother well ?
The thing is all families are different
My parents were very fond of my DH but they had only met his family 2/3 times and I dont think it would have occurred to them to make a donation either if he had lost a family member
They would offer their condolences.though.

SerafinasGoose · 27/05/2025 11:18

My in-laws did this to me when my mother died unexpectedly and very young.

They did similar, when I experienced a succession of miscarriages (albeit given the choice I'd rather not have told them).

It wasn't merely ignoring it. It was outright cruelty and putting the boot in, possibly deliberately but more than likely just straightforward tactlessness because they've never pretended to hide the fact that they don't particularly care for me.

My relationship with them never recovered. You are not being unreasonable to feel the way you feel.

I'm very sorry to hear of your awful loss. If you'd like some support on this thread or would like to do so, please do tell us about your brother. 🌹

whynotwhatknot · 27/05/2025 11:40

i would jusgt stop visiting them what does your dh think

sorry for your loss

PrettyPuss · 27/05/2025 11:49

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

This is horrible behavior from them and they should absolutely know better.

And I understand how it feels. The day after my lovely father died in his early 60's, my exMIL opened the door to me smiling and jolly and then could be heard whistling a merry tune while pottering about in her kitchen. While I explained to my child in the room next door that their grandfather had died.

My exIL's were very envious of my parents (they are envious of most people) so this is the only explanation I have ever really been able to come up with.

theleafandnotthetree · 27/05/2025 12:07

This whole 'people are wierd about death' or 'people feel awkward'. 'People' need to get over themselves, everyone feels awkward about these things but the point is that it is not about you, it's about what the other person is going through. If my pre teen and teenager can walk into a wake house and offer their condolences to anywhere up to 20 people, it is simply not credible that middle aged and older adults who have lived in the world, raised families etc 'can't' manage it. They are simply thoughless, self absorbed and/or awful people.

Blueskies3 · 27/05/2025 12:15

I am so sorry that you lost your brother. Your in- laws have shown their true colours. I hate that line if they don’t know what to say, who does?! But just being there is enough. In my opinion they have shown how they don’t care. I am so sorry. My in-laws are the same. Mine are nosy but as soon as my Dad gets sick, not a word is mentioned.

if you feel like talking about your brother we are here.

Katiesaidthat · 27/05/2025 12:16

Rhinohides · 27/05/2025 00:35

Hello, I am so sorry for your loss. 💐.
When I was young some people my family unexpectedly lost their teenage boy. It was shocking and devastating for them and resonated around our community for years. My mother was away when it happened and when she returned went to offer her condolences to her lad’s Mam. It became apparent that their BEST friends, a couple they had grown up with and gone on family holidays with, had not so much as sent a card. When my mother mentioned she had been to visit, they said they had not and could not as they did not know what to say.
This was years ago OP and despite that almost every conceiveable form of human behaviour seems to be acceptable as conversation these days, including death, talking to the bereaved seems still to be an area of communication where people still do not know what to say. Perhaps they are frightened of saying the wrong thing? Don’t want to remind the other person of their loss? Don’t want to appear insensitive?
Though I suspect the reasons are far more complex and dynamic then we can express.
OP, know the Mumsnet Brigade is here always to support you, to hear the stories about your beautiful brother and to think about you. Xx

Actually, these are usually the same people who "don´t like hospitals" and don´t visit anyone, ever. I gave the response to one of those, "oh well, good to know, the rest of us who don´t like hospitals either won´t bother with you when it´s your turn". It´s just a co op for "I don´t like a bit of discomfort and am getting out of this". Selfish buggers the lot.

muddyford · 27/05/2025 12:32

AthWat · 27/05/2025 10:20

You previous post seems to suggest that he is in hospital close to death himself and has been through this whole thing?

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Not close to death but not expected to live much longer. These things are far from certain. He came out of hospital six weeks ago, just after my mother's funeral. He has a close relation who is very ill and if anything happens to them he can deal with that as I am having to.

SquirrelMadness · 27/05/2025 12:56

theleafandnotthetree · 27/05/2025 12:07

This whole 'people are wierd about death' or 'people feel awkward'. 'People' need to get over themselves, everyone feels awkward about these things but the point is that it is not about you, it's about what the other person is going through. If my pre teen and teenager can walk into a wake house and offer their condolences to anywhere up to 20 people, it is simply not credible that middle aged and older adults who have lived in the world, raised families etc 'can't' manage it. They are simply thoughless, self absorbed and/or awful people.

Yes exactly. People who find it too awkward to talk about loss and grief, or even to show some basic empathy and interest in how the bereaved person is doing - they need to be aware that the relationship will be impacted. It's very difficult to have a genuine, loving and reciprocal friendship or family relationship with people who haven't shown that they care at such a difficult time. It really isn't so difficult. All they need to say is "I'm so sorry", "how are you doing", "this must be so tough for you", "does it help to talk about him", or "how are your family doing" etc.

bumblenbean · 27/05/2025 13:06

I’m so sorry about your brother OP. It must be extremely hurtful to feel such a devastating event hasn’t been acknowledged by your in laws.

Would you like to tell us about your brother? Only if you would feel comfortable to of course. He mattered and your ILs’ reaction, crushing as it is, doesn’t diminish that in any way

AthWat · 27/05/2025 14:17

muddyford · 27/05/2025 12:32

Not close to death but not expected to live much longer. These things are far from certain. He came out of hospital six weeks ago, just after my mother's funeral. He has a close relation who is very ill and if anything happens to them he can deal with that as I am having to.

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o...k...

You seem a great deal more affected by your mother's death than you do by the prospect of his, to be fair. He's probably thinking more about the latter, at the moment.

Original poster

Bob1980 · 27/05/2025 14:23

SquirrelMadness · 27/05/2025 09:18

I haven't read the full thread, only your posts OP.

I just wanted to add to the thread as I lost my dad not too long ago and my PIL have been exactly the same. They sent me a very impersonal and brief card when he died but they've never mentioned him since, not even right after the funeral. They never ask how my mum is doing. It's like they don't even know he existed. It's hard for me to get my head round as it's just so weird that they have never said a single thing to me about him passing.

I find it extremely hard, I was very close to my dad and am very close to my mum. Their lack of interest feels to me like they don't care about me. They don't care about my family means they don't care about me. All I really want is for them to say how sorry they are, what a nice man he was. Or for them to at least ask how my mum is doing every now and then. But they don't, and if I bring my parents up they don't seem interested in talking about it.

My partner says that it's just because they feel awkward and don't know what to say. But I don't think that's good enough, surely it's not that hard. People who never even met my mum ask me how she's doing.

I don't really have advice but I absolutely understand how this makes you feel and how hard it is to get past. I am just civil to my PIL for my partner's sake, the relationship to me can only be superficial as I don't feel like my feelings really matter to them.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Edited

You’ve pretty much echoed my situation. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this too

OP posts: