In laws didn’t mention my dead brother

[Bob1980]

My brother died at Christmas. I got the token sympathy cards from mother and sister in law. However, when I’d spent Christmas Eve arranging my brothers funeral, my MIL was still so insistent on exchanging the usual ‘Happy Christmas!’ greetings. Then after the funeral, the inlaws never once asked how I/my family are. When I met up with them for the first time in person following my brother’s death, (we live 2 hours drive apart), not one of them even mentioned it! It was like nothing had even happened. Even Gene Hackman’s death got a drop into conversation. My brother? Nothing. I’ve always deep down felt like they considered themselves better than my family and I’m thinking I was right. I’ve been their daughter in law for 22 years, am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of recognition for this tragic loss when we met up following my brothers death? (Both my parents are still alive and have lost their son; my brother was only 48 and had left 3 children behind who I had to break the news of his death to). What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

You have my sympathies @Bob1980
I lost my sister last year and after a few commiserations my in laws acted like business as usual telling DH I should pull myself together.

I was once again reminded we marry our partners, sadly in some cases we also get shit in laws who we didn't pick.

This is what I’m stuck on; what do I say to them when I next see them?

“Emotionally in competent” is exactly the right phrase @SibsInLaw, my in-laws def. fit that description. They can only deal with nice or happy things, nothing sad or emotionally difficult.

It surprises me, tbh, you’d think that ppl would learn how to react better over the decades, but some don’t seem to.

My advice for the day is to always mention a bereavement, even if it’s as simple as “I’m sorry for your loss” to a work colleague. Ignoring someone’s loss because you feel awkward is the worst thing to do.

@Bob1980 this post is soooo similar to mine! My brother died tragically at the age of 44 last year.

My MIL sent an email, yes an email! 3 weeks later, offering her condolences and almost dismissing that I should be too sad as he was ‘troubled’!

How dare she assume how I should be feeling after taking 3 weeks to acknowledge him. It was so strange. I’ve been their DIL for 25 years and we have what I thought a good relationship.

They asked how the funeral went, but my nephew started speaking half way through my response and she didn’t look back to finish listening to my answer. I decided then I had to just accept that some people are utterly shit when it comes to grief.

I think unless you have experienced it first hand, it can be very hard to relate to or talk about in a way that isn’t awkward.

I was so so upset and disappointed, but after a year I have had to drawn a line under it for the sake of my own mental health.

I have backed off a little in terms of how much support I give them. I’m clearly not as important them as I initially thought, so they now get less of me, which is fine, I’ve accepted it and learned a lot about them and know I can’t rely on them for emotional support unfortunately!

We have similar in laws.

I'd lost my sister 6 years ago and my niece nearly 2 years ago and I didn't even get a card never mind any offers of help. So now I only do superficial chat, let their son/brother organise birthdays and Christmas presents (or not as the case may be). If they can't at least offer sympathy at my 16 yo niece's tragic death they can swivel for everything else.

You have my sincere condolences, it's a them problem not a you problem.

Say very little, if they ask why you are quite, tell them that you don't like them anymore they hurt you, you understand that you couldn't force them to be considerate towards you but you can decide that they're arse-holes.

Thanks, I’m so sorry you’ve been through a similar thing. I know I have to accept that I’m not that important to them. I do wish that my hubby would back me by letting them know how hurt I was by their lack of anything, but I can’t tell him to do it as it wouldn’t be genuine. Do you mind me asking - have you ever told them how they made you feel? I just don’t know what to say them next time. Thankfully we live 100 miles away so meet-ups aren’t too regular

@Bob1980 it is unfortunately quite commonplace for people to be utterly useless around bereavement and grief. That makes it very lonely to be bereaved in my experience.

My best friend of 35 years died completely unexpectedly last year and I was knocked flat with grief. I still think about her constantly. I got a lot of WhatsApp messages from friends and family but hardly anyone wanted to talk about it. I visited close family for a long weekend and not one person asked about her, me or her devastated family. It hardened my heart and filled me with rage. These people knew I loved her like my closest family and was heartbroken yet it was either too unimportant to remember or too difficult to actually talk about it.

I can only empathise with you and agree it’s awful. Would you like to tell us a little about your brother?💝

@Bob1980

I cried to my DH a few weeks later at how disappointed and let down I felt towards them, which he did relay later, but even after that they still haven’t mentioned it! So no, I haven’t directly spoken to them I’ve just re categorised my relationship with them and backed off and give them less. FIL been in and out of hospital for example and I just wait to hear how he is through DH rather then call them Myslef, as I just Find it really hard to genuinely give that care now after they let me down. It’s getting easier as time goes by, but it’s been hard! They are actually such lovely people, I’ve just had to accept that’s how it is.

I posted upthread about people being crap with grief and not knowing what to say. I wanted to say I wholeheartedly agree with the posters saying that is not good enough - I think this is a situation where you put on your big knickers and get on with it, knowing you feel feel uncomfortable but it is not about you, its about your friend. However, my experience is that lots of people dont do this - at least not for me when my mother died. I know they are not all bad people. Does how people reacted in this situations change how I feel about them? For sure. But if you cut off everyone who avoids difficult emotional situations, you will end up with a very small circle.

How old are you, seven?

If you feel like this about people, here's an idea, just don't see them.

Hi OP THEDARINGEAGLE is so right. It is wrong of your in laws to ignore your loss. Some people cant deal with it , so choose to ignore it.But as she's said you will feel angry. I remember that feeling very well when I lost a loved one. Sending you hugs.

Honestly, your situation sounds like a mirror! One of them is currently having a (routine) operation and MIL has texted to let us know it’s gone well. I can’t bring myself to reply! They too are lovely people in their own perfect little lives. But it seems so superficial to me now

@StupidBoy I really don't think the reason for his death is an excuse for OP's in-laws being like this. She still lost her brother. I've lost several close friends to OD/suicide and I don't mourn them any less because of the way they died

I was so so upset and disappointed, but after a year I have had to drawn a line under it for the sake of my own mental health.

@vixsta2001 Yes, I think it's healthier to accept and let go or it really eats you up. I had to do that with my in-laws or I'd just resent them indefinitely.

I think this is a situation where you put on your big knickers and get on with it, knowing you feel feel uncomfortable but it is not about you, its about your friend.

@Hotflushesandchilblains Exactly, it's not about how awkward we feel, it's about the bereaved person. You'd think that ppl would learn this through life experience, but some apparently don't.

Wow that shows a spectacular level of thoughtlessness from them.

They have assumed you are interested in their lives without showing an interest in things that impacted your life.

Sorry OP I meant to say I'm so so sorry for your loss. I've lost people very close to me far too early including my best friend and generally people have been lovely, your in-laws behaviour is shocking.

I'm sure your brother wasn't scummy x

Did you ever bring your brother up in conversation?
sometimes people take their lead from you with sesitive subjects

Also, for those of us who are parents, I think it's important to teach our children that acknowledging someone else's loss is the right thing to do. One of DS's (16) teachers recently lost her father and DS apparently told her how sorry he was and how much he appreciated her as a teacher - I was really proud of him (I didn't tell him to do this, he knew that he needed to acknowledge her loss, and he did).

@Bob1980 I'm so sorry to hear that and I fully empathise and sympathise with you.

I lost my DSis aged 53 last year completely unexpectedly and was devastated. My in-laws did not sent a card, or a message via DH or even mention DSis when I next saw them months later. I have had 30ish years of the in-laws being a bit crap but that for me was a turning point. I have always been polite and put up with them for DH's sake but I am not bothering to go out of my way ever again. Yes I will host and be polite for DH's sake but I won't be making any special efforts just for them again.

@Passthecake30 @anothergrievingsister @GoingToGraceland @Lovelylydia @NoGames @vixsta2001 @WillimNot @Time2beme

I have tagged you all as fellow posters who have lost siblings and sending my condolences. I really think that siblings get ignored in the grief and sympathy, in most people's minds it's all about the parents or children. I am not in anyway saying siblings are more important but we do all have unique relationships with our brothers and sisters, we have grown up with these people since we were born, nearly all our childhood memories involve them etc. It's a very hard place to be, even if the relationship was a 'typical' sibling one the bond is very deep.

Also very similar, my MIL loves to tell me all about her other sons, what they were like when they were young, what they are doing now, when she's next going to see them. I feel like asking why I would be interested in their family when they show absolutely zero interest in mine. I don't do that though, I just nod along.

I tell myself to just accept that it's how they are, distance myself from it and try not to let it get to me. But it irritates me every time I see them and I'm not sure how to get over that. It's made me resent having to see them at all really. For me saying something to them would cause too much drama and they've already caused the upset - if they suddenly started showing an interest I might find it fake as they had to be asked to do so. I just keep telling myself that they have lost out on a sincere, genuine relationship, which is more their loss than it is mine. I don't know that my approach of just distancing myself without saying anything is the best or most sensible one, but I'm also not sure there's any way to right this really - they have already shown a shocking lack of interest in your wellbeing, your grief and your family and I think that's a tough thing to move on from.

I am so sorry for your loss.
Some people just don't know what to say when someone has suffered a bereavements so they say nothing
I have suffered several bereavements and sometimes I have preferred people not to mention it as when they did it upset me all over again and them.not mentioning it has allowed me to think about something else for a while.
Also I sometimes found I have had to comfort the person who has said something as they have been upset mentioning it, In those cases I have found saying nothing preferable.
Do you think they are being deliberately insensitive or just unaware of how to react?

I know exactly what you mean.

In my case, many thought I wouldn't be bothered as I'm not in contact with my family and sadly, due to a very silly situation that was inflated by others with a agenda hadn't spoken to my sister for 15 years. I tried so many times to get in contact through mutual acquaintances but was rebuffed.
When she passed away I found out when one of our mutual friends sent me condolences. I hadn't been informed.

What really upsets me is that she clearly needed someone, she took her own life, and it hurts so badly that due to the bullshit of others she didn't think she could ask me for help.

But the in laws, well, I'm used to them. Their behaviour doesn't shock me. They are notorious for being mean girls and I let them get on with it. I was just shocked at how blase they were over what happened. But then I find them incredibly selfish and self absorbed.

To be fair I should add to my post that when I said in-laws I mean mother and father-in-law, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law were great and sent several messages.

Oh gosh, that's very hard. At least you know that you tried to get in contact several times over the years, so you can't blame yourself.

DSis and I were very typical, a true love-hate relationship but we had got on better over the last years and became a lot closer in the last couple of years. But I was well aware at the funeral that she had probably moaned about me to lots of the people there!!😳