In laws didn’t mention my dead brother

[Bob1980]

My brother died at Christmas. I got the token sympathy cards from mother and sister in law. However, when I’d spent Christmas Eve arranging my brothers funeral, my MIL was still so insistent on exchanging the usual ‘Happy Christmas!’ greetings. Then after the funeral, the inlaws never once asked how I/my family are. When I met up with them for the first time in person following my brother’s death, (we live 2 hours drive apart), not one of them even mentioned it! It was like nothing had even happened. Even Gene Hackman’s death got a drop into conversation. My brother? Nothing. I’ve always deep down felt like they considered themselves better than my family and I’m thinking I was right. I’ve been their daughter in law for 22 years, am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of recognition for this tragic loss when we met up following my brothers death? (Both my parents are still alive and have lost their son; my brother was only 48 and had left 3 children behind who I had to break the news of his death to). What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

It's not always mistaken. I personally don't like to talk about sad things that have happened except to people I'm closest to, I really appreciate practical help when things are going badly, but I don't want to talk about things.

I think I'm in the minority, a PP said it was bad the in laws didn't attend the funeral. I wouldn't want or appreciate that. If someone brings up the topic themselves then I'll follow their lead.

The "Happy Christmas!" was really thoughtless though.

So sorry for your loss OP. They sound like my PIL. MIL is definitely the ring leader. Doesn’t like to acknowledge anything in our lives really. Positive or negative. All very odd. All about them. No matter how much we try with them. This will sound ridiculous but I think a lot of people are so unhappy in their own lives (but pretend they aren’t) that even the death of someone else doesn’t make them think how fortunate they are with just the little things in life. They are just self centred and emotionless when it comes to anything or anyone but them.

I'm so sorry you lost your brother. It must've been heartbreaking having to tell his children. Your in-laws' attitude is absolutely shocking. For me it would clarify how I would deal with them as they were older. After all, they wouldn't want someone who was beneath them to take care of them would they?

They clearly cannot deal with emotion so try and avoid. They either haven’t experienced it and don’t know what to do or say. Or they are scared of something upsetting you or bringing something up for themselves. When your mother in law changed the subject it would have been a good moment for your dh to point it out and ask her why she did that. I’m sorry this is so hard op.

There's no excuse for them not mentioning your brother, it's extremely insensitive.

So sorry for your loss OP xx

Thank you. When the situation was reversed a few years ago, I drove him around, made sure he was eating properly, listened while he talked. But he's so frail now I can't really leave. Time will remedy this situation . You find out how selfish some people can be, when they are approaching the end of their life.

Swearing is normal adult language the R word is ableist and disgusting. Take it on the chin and think about how your words effect others rather than going on the attack.

When it happened to him, I cared for him, listened to him, drove him around. It won't happen if there's a next time!

Too right. I think I would speak to him and get it off your chest, that his lack of acknowledgement or concern during that period still hurts you. That way he can’t pretend he never knew.

My brother died last Easter and my in laws haven’t mentioned it at all. I even went as far as asking my dp if he’d told them. I find it really strange. I get that they might not feel comfortable talking about it but they could’ve sent a card to my mum, or a text to me, at the time.

I’m going to put my head above the parapet - being religious doesn’t equate to having any form of manners/ social etiquette or anything like that. They’re rude self centered and have no manners in any way shape or form-

sorry there I said it - and they know exactly what they are doing in that you’re seen as not that important. I hate reading oh people deal with grief in different ways blah blah blah.

yes if you are the one whose lost a spouse, lost a child a sibling a family member immediate to you grief hits us in different ways.

in laws - nope sorry and the cheek to mention Gene Hackman nope -

I am sorry as my poor working class mother would say- they weren’t raised properly.
a simple card, a touch on the arm as they see you, a simple I am so sorry about his passing.

A member of my parish lost her mother tragically recently and a month later has been diagnosed with cancer she has two young children. I saw her a week before surgery three weeks after the funeral. It wasn’t about my feelings I had no words for her she said I can’t speak about it - but when I saw her I walked passed and silently put my arm round her - not for anything but so she knew there was an acknowledgement.

That’s all you wanted that your grief and your brothers life is was recognised. As church people would they not have said a prayer or you’re in my thoughts, we’d have done a simple Mass Card written for prayers for you and him or your family his wife or children.

We have these cards for anyone it doesn’t matter if you are not religious it’s the recognition of a life and the family that are grieving.

As someone whose faith is paramount in my life basic manners and understanding is all people need. - humanity and compassion.

I know I am a stranger but I am so very sorry for your brothers death and that your in laws sound at best cold unfeeling people when they want to be and at worst narcissistic and I know cruel narcissist in laws - ex now-

I hope and pray - if you allow me- that you and your family can come together and remember him for the sake of his children and wife/ partner and you yourself for his loss.

I really hope you don’t mind me writing this xxx

Having lost a parent very suddenly in my teens, and a few friends since, I always think it’s better when people acknowledge a loss, however uncomfortable it might seem.

OP, I have annoying and self centered in-laws too! Many years ago they failed to acknowledge the shocking death of one of my closest friends. Their reasoning later to my DH was that ‘grandpa also recently died, we were very upset about that actually.’

Grandpa was 90. My friend was 28. But they couldn’t really see the difference - they were just too caught up in themselves.

And so sorry for your loss, OP xx

I have been in this situation, after the death of a v close family member, it’s just so weird how people behave, you never forget people that don’t acknowledge such a devastating, life changing event. It doesn’t take a few seconds to just say, I am so sorry for your loss, to acknowledge. I just don’t get it at all. Nothing is going to make you more “upset” when you have just lost someone you love. Sorry this has happened to you OP, I am sorry to read that you have lost your darling brother, may he rest in peace

I think some people are being far too easy on the in-laws. They are fuckers and it is especially galling when you feel OP that they have always looked down on YOU. Whatever delusions they have about being superior to your family are juat that - in all the ways that count they have proved themselves to be mean, mean-spirited and pretty awful people. Awkward my arse. And of course they should have paid their respects at the funeral.

I'm past the stage of doing that. My private grief is a way of honouring my mother and I don't need or want to share it with him now. When he needs what he hasn't granted me, he can whistle for it. I'll tell him why then.

I started off thinking perhaps your in-laws are unusually thoughtless in not referring to your brothers tragic death. But you’d think a religious minister would be more aware. I’m so sorry. God knows what is going on here, but it’s horrible for you.

My brother hasn't asked me once how I am after my ds's suicide 7 months ago.
It's awful. Not even asked my dh how I am if he didn't want to speak directly. It's unforgivable.

I would also find it baffling that MIL insisted on happy Christmas greetings in spite of your tragic loss, and completely omitted to mention your DB’s death at all or even acknowledge it…at the time or since.
It is inexcusable.

After all your comments I tend to agree that they feel superior in a strange sort of way. Having been a minister, they will have seen and known many tragic deaths and be used to serving the bereaved. I think that’s why they feel as if they know it all / have seen it all already, so minimising what you are going through. Cruel without meaning to be probably.

It’s a sort of …. Your experience can’t teach us anything much about death that we don’t already know, we’ve had a life time of it and are way ahead of you in the game of feeling sad about untimely deaths, so you just have to get on with it. Now you know how we’ve had to cope all our lives…even alongside all the other Christian festivals we’ve had to ensure were celebrated properly ….even when we were burnt out with grief….all part of the job.

It’s definitely rude, cold and heartless. And yes, their negligent actions do reflect their life experience ‘superiority’. They can’t be bothered to extend condolences.

I would let it go in my head, but I’d also be subtle about letting them see you have the bigger picture. Maybe something like the following in a future quiet, private moment with them……

“Can I just ask you something MIL… It must have been really difficult for you as a minister’s wife to deal with the unremitting grief and sadness of people's pain, suffering and death, do you think that aspect of FIL’s work has affected either of your normal reactions towards death in any way?”
When she asks why you ask, you could say “well when my brother died, I was shocked that you failed to mention it at all or offer any words of comfort to me so it made me think about how you feel about death after a lifetime of dealing with it….maybe you became immune to it, did you ?

Sorry you lost your DB so tragically OP. I also lost mine too early but everybody close to me was kind. Wishing you nothing but the best.

I am so sorry for your loss 💐

I cannot fathom why anyone would not be able to sympathise with their daughter in law who has been in their family for so long on such a traumatic loss. So heartless, and their expectation that you would just shrug it off and carry on as if nothing happened, bizarre behaviour to me.

This reminds me of my ILs. They just don’t give a fuck. It’s funny cos my MIL is a weeper and a wailer and I have on many occasions comforted her, but with my pain, it’s like it didn’t happen. Might be cos I’m stoic but I think it’s more if it didn’t happen to them it didn’t really happen.

Not mentioning it the next time they saw you, I could almost see as perhaps not wanting to re-open the wound, trying to be charitable, although I still think it’s poor form, but the Happy Christmas stuff having just lost your brother prematurely is bizarrely tone-deaf.

However, I wouldn’t bother saying anything. I’d just do my own thing and walk my own road. If anything, feel liberated. Be interesting to know what your OH has to say?

You've implied that they thought your brother was 'scummy' and said that you had to break the news of his death to his three children, which makes me wonder if they were estranged from him and if he lead a troubled life. Did he died in some way that was a result of his lifestyle choices, addictions, or vulnerabilities?

Perhaps your in laws know this and find this awkward and don't wish to draw further attention to it? It's hard to know what to say at the best of times in the face of bereavement, but maybe there is more to this and they feel it's best swept under the carpet. It might be hard for them to say anything specific without mentioning his problems and they don't want to seem critical or judgemental in any way.

I agree though, that it's a clumsy way of handling it. They could at least have given you a hug when they saw you next and trotted out all the usual platitudes of 'We are so sorry for your loss, how awful to lose a brother so young, and right on top of Christmas, how difficult for you all.' But people often daren't go there for fear of either upsetting you when you seem in a good mood, or of inviting a longer conversation they don't feel equipped to deal with.

I think we just have to accept that in bereavement, not everyone behaves exactly as we'd prefer. But then we are all different and don't have identical expectations and preferences around death or very bad news, so it's not surprising that most of us get it wrong at times. For some bereaved people, having nothing said might be exactly what they'd prefer. I think you should try to be stoic and accepting of their lack of comment and not spend any more time allowing this to eat you up. The only person it's affecting is you.

I’m really sorry for the loss of your brother and the insensitivity of your in laws. I’d certainly find it difficult to have a relationship with them after this and feel you need to say something.
In the last year I’ve lost both my parents and the lack of support from my extended family hasn’t helped. Six months after my Mum died a family member sent a Christmas card saying have ‘fab and fun filled Christmas’. That went straight in the bin. I cannot believe how stupid some people are.

Well, I don’t get it either, as I’m from a culture which is far more at ease around death, with a culture of funeral-going, even if you didn’t know the dead person, to show support to the family — in Ireland, it would be shocking for the OP’s PILs not to have attended the funeral, even if they weren’t on good terms with their DIL, or hadn’t liked, or hadn’t known, the dead man. Childhood neighbours of my mother, who had met my paternal grandfather once, at my parents’ wedding twenty years earlier, did a 80 mile round trip to attend his funeral.

But I lived long enough in England to see that things are differently handled. I don’t think it’s that people are any less caring or concerned, it’s just a culture that’s less comfortable dealing with grief directly.

I once condoled with someone I knew only as a friend of a neighbour who had lost her father in the six months since I’d last seen her, and she started to cry and said she’d been really taken aback by people crossing the street to avoid her. Likewise a colleague who’d just returned from his mother’s funeral in his home country. Nothing was mentioned to him. I think this genuinely came, not from indifference, but from ‘not wanting to upset him’.

Could the PILs have done more? Absolutely? Does their failure to acknowledge the OP’s grief come from a place of ‘looking down’ on her family? Not necessarily.

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be devastating to lose a sibling and my heart aches for the children who lost a parent.

You ILs reaction is very strange and unkind. A stranger on the street would have more sympathy I expect!

But regarding Christmas - perhaps despite their religious/spiritual background they simply didn’t know what to do. My mum always said the LAST person she wanted near her after my dad’s death was her vicar, he kept going on about peace and heaven and spiritual comfort and the life everlasting. I guess other people like that message but my mum wanted to slap him. But then the church warden came to pray with my mum, and was just quiet and gave her space. And that worked for her.

Three days following your bereavement is barely time to catch a breath - I have no idea how you managed to travel to in-laws family home with your kids in tow - what a thing OP. It was a very brave and possibly silly thing to do! You must have been in bits,

Perhaps it would have been better to cancel Christmas - but then, the kids would have not understood.

Perhaps the ILs thought you would fall apart if they acknowledged your grief and best thing was to just pretend it wasn’t happening.

Perhaps they thought, for the sake of the kids, you didn’t want to collapse from the trauma until after Christmas and by turning up you were indicating you wanted to go down the “stiff upper lip” route.

They should have asked, they should have offered sympathy and taken the kids off you and let you find a quiet room to wail in, or sleep, or speak to your other relatives. They should have known it was too soon to try and tough out a family celebration.

But Im not judging you or them, because we all make strange decisions faced with overwhelming grief - whether our own or someone else’s.

What about your brother’s family, where were they at Christmas? Did they encourage you to continue with your Christmas plans? What about your dh - did he recognise you probably needed something different/more after your brother died in your arms?

Having anyone die in your arms is horrific. When it’s a close relative it is something uniquely awful.

I would suggest you need someone to help you work through these feelings, outside your family - a counsellor or a good friend.