In laws didn’t mention my dead brother

[Bob1980]

My brother died at Christmas. I got the token sympathy cards from mother and sister in law. However, when I’d spent Christmas Eve arranging my brothers funeral, my MIL was still so insistent on exchanging the usual ‘Happy Christmas!’ greetings. Then after the funeral, the inlaws never once asked how I/my family are. When I met up with them for the first time in person following my brother’s death, (we live 2 hours drive apart), not one of them even mentioned it! It was like nothing had even happened. Even Gene Hackman’s death got a drop into conversation. My brother? Nothing. I’ve always deep down felt like they considered themselves better than my family and I’m thinking I was right. I’ve been their daughter in law for 22 years, am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of recognition for this tragic loss when we met up following my brothers death? (Both my parents are still alive and have lost their son; my brother was only 48 and had left 3 children behind who I had to break the news of his death to). What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

It's difficult to know what to say. But a look, a touch can do the thing. My youngest brother died, everyone was very kind but then I have kind, helpful in-laws.

They don't sound very nice. Avoid contact with them for the foreseeable future. But it is difficult to find the right thing to say.

It's very upsetting. My inlaws pretty much ignored when someone close passed 2 yrs ago. I just think they've shown themselves now. I'm polite but I don't go out of my way to do anything for them now.

I see how upset you were and still are, understandably. You have suffered an awful experience. If the situation had been the other way round, you would have acted differently and shown warmth and sympathy.

But I think you are mistaken to take it personally, and I deplore those who are encouraging you to do so and to think your in-laws "look down" on you. It is much more likely that they are awkward with displays of emotion, have little emotional intelligence, and just didn’t know what to say, or wrongly thought (as many people do) that you would prefer not to talk about your loss.

The "Happy Christmas" is just a formulaic thing to say and really doesn’t mean much. People say silly things sometimes, with no bad intention.

Should they, particularly an ex-minister, have known and done better? Yes, of course. But to take it as an insult is, I believe, completely unnecessary.

This is very common, people don’t know what to say so end up pretending it hasn’t happened which is worse. Same happened to me OP

I haven't read the full thread, only your posts OP.

I just wanted to add to the thread as I lost my dad not too long ago and my PIL have been exactly the same. They sent me a very impersonal and brief card when he died but they've never mentioned him since, not even right after the funeral. They never ask how my mum is doing. It's like they don't even know he existed. It's hard for me to get my head round as it's just so weird that they have never said a single thing to me about him passing.

I find it extremely hard, I was very close to my dad and am very close to my mum. Their lack of interest feels to me like they don't care about me. They don't care about my family means they don't care about me. All I really want is for them to say how sorry they are, what a nice man he was. Or for them to at least ask how my mum is doing every now and then. But they don't, and if I bring my parents up they don't seem interested in talking about it.

My partner says that it's just because they feel awkward and don't know what to say. But I don't think that's good enough, surely it's not that hard. People who never even met my mum ask me how she's doing.

I don't really have advice but I absolutely understand how this makes you feel and how hard it is to get past. I am just civil to my PIL for my partner's sake, the relationship to me can only be superficial as I don't feel like my feelings really matter to them.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Some people are just self absorbed and don't have much empathy. My mil is a classic example.

My partner's dad died recently and his mother never mentioned it to him. She lives abroad with her newish husband. In fact she texted my partner a shopping list of items to bring over when he visited! Not a word about him losing his dad.

Apparently she was very upset about it to her daughter on the other hand as he was the 'love of her life'. (She left him for his best friend, abandoning both children, but that's another story).

My partner was upset about it but not entirely surprised. His mother has form for selfishness. We won't be looking out for her in the future even though she's dropping hints about moving back to live with one of her children if she's widowed.

I think you have to accept some people don't react with empathy and compassion. That's their bad. I'd be wary of putting yourself out for them in the future though. I'm very sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss - that must have been devastating. For what it’s worth - whilst your inlaws have been hugely thoughtless to not check on you or offer even some supportive comments I really would not assume it’s because they saw your brother as beneath them. They just sound super self absorbed. It’s their weakness and lack of basic empathy that probably drove this - and not anything active against your family. That may be of limited comfort but I do think there is a difference between being lazily selfish and actively unpleasant.

Many people still don't donate to charities online.
Your PIL might be old fashioned like that.
It is really sad that they couldn't offer you more support and sympathy.
I'm sad for your loss. To lose a sibling is tragic - and so unfair for his wife and children.

Ask PIL's son to have a chat to them about how you feel.
Your DH should be noticing your need to have his parents be more caring.

I'm really sorry to read about your experience and commiserations for the loss of your brother. I lost my mother just before Christmas although not young she was fit and healthy so it was very sudden and unexpected. It leaves just me and my brother from my family growing up, no aunts or uncles etc. My wife on the other hand is from a very big family and I faithfully go to all the weddings of cousins and funerals for uncles that come along and have been doing for over 30 years now. To offer congratulations or pay my respects. There have been three of these this year already. They all know me well I get on with them and they all know that I lost my Mum at Christmas. Not a single 'sorry for your loss'.
They can do their marrying and burying on their own from now on.

This is a lovely response OP. Spot on and I wish I had this insight when I experienced a similar situation with loss and my in-laws.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. So young, it will undoubtedly be very difficult for much time to come. Keep talking about him and keep him very much part of your family. Your parents will also appreciate this, but especially your brother's children. They will need your support and memories ❤️

Sending every sympathy, I lost a sibling and it is the hardest thing I’ve had to learn to live with.

personally I didn’t want anyone to mention it, I avoided family events for some time in case I had some half-hearted sorry about your loss or questions about what happened. Some people didn’t know what to say so just say nothing. It could be that they thought you’d bring it up if you wanted to.

What does it matter what they think? You won't change their opinion. Unless you are prepared to cut all ties with them, leave it.

So sorry for your loss op.
You’ll get the usual waffle about how people don’t know what to say, but it’s no excuse and it’s shitty behaviour.
Take care. X

OP, I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. Your post brings up quite a few memories of life with my ILs, not least not letting you in until after the football match which is exactly what they would have done!

I think that some of it is as you say, an almost deliberate mindset of you are not really part of our family, we will not admit that DH is any part of your family and we will ignore the fact that DC have another set of GPs, aunts and uncles and cousins.

My own DF and DM do a bit better, but I can hear a tone in DM’s voice when she asks DH or her other sons-in-law about their family members, a kind of why should I have to remember all this/I don’t have a good impression of them tone, which she doesn’t use when asking random neighbours about some distant relative that they’ve told her about (where she’s super nice and interested).

DM clearly resents having to remember everyone’s stepchildren and step grandchildren in the wider family, and often stops mentioning or asking after anyone who has been having a difficult time or has had some kind of problems.

I looking out for your answer to how DH has supported you with this (acknowledging that he has also lost someone as well as seeing you go through this). I’ve seen your update about him speaking about this on the phone. I think though in true MN style he needs to take a lead in managing this with his parents and he needs to tell them what he expects from them and also be clear that this is an important thing that’s happened in his other family and he expects better of them.

My husband died 6 years ago and my parents never once asked how I was doing. They’ve barely mentioned him and don’t recognise that certain days are very hard. People never cease to amaze me

I think this is a sadly common dynamic. I'm from a small family, my ex-husband from.a large one and I think I was solely seen as an additional part of their family - and fully expected to be at every bun fight - not as an individual with a family of my own. It was a real bone of contention with us with my ex himself being pretty crap at the comparatively tiny amount of family-ing he had to do with my side. I am very sorry about your lovely mum and I would be taking exactly the approach you are with your in-laws henceforth. They have let you down very badly

I am so sorry that your grief and loss is being compounded by these cold insensitive people refusing to even acknowledge it beyond a token sympathy card.

This could well be case. Some people just can’t handle saying the potentially wrong thing and ending up upsetting the person, so they say nothing ..and that is definitely the wrong thing.

I was watching a video recently with a famous actor taking about loosing his wife. He mentioned his friend Nigella Lawson . Saying she did the right thing . She’d just turn up unannounced with meals …leave them with him, didn’t ask how she could help..simply did. He said that was so important, don’t send messages with “if there’s anything you need/i can help with” ..just do..show you care by doing something unasked.

I think that’s the heart of it. So much MIL/SIL could have done.. offered to take kids for a few hours to let her have time to grieve, or making some meals, or some takeaway “voucher” if cooking not their thing…

I honestly would find this unforgivable.
after 22 years to act like this is nothing.

disgusting.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, but I do think YABU here. If you have only seen them once in 6 months then you aren't close, they have acknowledged your grief by sending a card at the time, they probably don't want to seem intrusive by initiating conversation about him.

Also if you have bought young grandchildren with them that they see very infrequently, then the visit will be mainly about them. They won't want to bring the death of thier uncle and upset them.

I am so sorry for your loss. In my experience, people are weird about death and often dont know what to say - I lost a friend, the next day a group of that same friendship group met up for a previously planned event and none of them mentioned the friend who had died (they are mostly guys and emotionally - well, lets just say not great at expression). I would not see it as a comment on you or your brother, more that a lot of people, when uncomfortable, avoid. Again, I am so sorry, this sounds so hard for you.

I didn't see the offending post but I can imagine what the "r word" was, and if you are trying to say that using the word "shitty" is comparable then that's self-evidently stupid.

You previous post seems to suggest that he is in hospital close to death himself and has been through this whole thing?

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m sick of in-laws treating daughter in laws like a support human to the fascinating reality show they think they bloody live in. They sound like assholes. As my friend told me after I was treated like shit for the upteenth time, who are these people? Don’t give them any more of your time. Again so sorry to hear about your brother I can’t imagine your pain.