In laws didn’t mention my dead brother

[Bob1980]

My brother died at Christmas. I got the token sympathy cards from mother and sister in law. However, when I’d spent Christmas Eve arranging my brothers funeral, my MIL was still so insistent on exchanging the usual ‘Happy Christmas!’ greetings. Then after the funeral, the inlaws never once asked how I/my family are. When I met up with them for the first time in person following my brother’s death, (we live 2 hours drive apart), not one of them even mentioned it! It was like nothing had even happened. Even Gene Hackman’s death got a drop into conversation. My brother? Nothing. I’ve always deep down felt like they considered themselves better than my family and I’m thinking I was right. I’ve been their daughter in law for 22 years, am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of recognition for this tragic loss when we met up following my brothers death? (Both my parents are still alive and have lost their son; my brother was only 48 and had left 3 children behind who I had to break the news of his death to). What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

My dad’s brother died recently. So my uncle. My mums family- his in laws of over 30 years- sent him a card but didn’t expect to talk to dad about it. He accepted its because they aren’t super close but he knew their feelings were there because of the card. They’ve never been super close and any heavy sympathy would’ve felt really false. If he brought his brother up they would of course be willing to talk about how he felt, but I think they just weren’t sure. A lot of people are brisk about death or would rather distract themselves. It’s hard to know how to deal with it in terms of talking to someone who has lost someone. I think the card said all they needed to say, and the ball was in my dads court if he wanted to talk more

When I had ovarian cancer, people avoided me. There are a lot of people who just don’t know what to say to you.

Death and cancer are very scary subjects and force people to consider their own mortality.

i think knowing this makes you more forgiving towards people who don’t say anything.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP 🌷

If I were in your position, given how they have treated you and how they treated your DC last visit I would completely drop any emotional labor or family admin regarding your IL. If DH wants to see them, he would be doing so without me.

I'm really sorry OP, they sound awful.

Very sorry for your loss.

Gosh,that’s awful. I’m sorry you’ve had to also experience such insensitivity. I’d like to also add that my husband has talked about our loss in conversation on the phone to MIL. She said ‘yeeesss.’ Then she immediately changed the subject and started talking about her sister ordering logs for her fireplace. I don’t accept that she or the rest of them feel awkward discussing it, They were all raised and have lived fully within a church community; none are strangers to people grieving. It honestly feels as I’ve always suspected- they consider my family below theirs.

I’m going to be generous and say it’s likely awkwardness rather than anything malign.

I remember a week after my daughter was stillborn going to my parents and my mum talking at me breezily as if nothing monumental had happened. Trying to discuss current affairs, what music uncle Terry to like etc. I was raging inside so much after a while I couldn’t take it and stood up and had a huge go at her. She ran upstairs crying saying she didn’t know what to say to me. I ended up having to console her.

Honestly some people are emotionally incompetent and immature and they’re probably not going to change.

It really is very odd behaviour coming from an ex-minister, who must be used to talking about death. It's very upsetting indeed for you.
My only thought is that them thinking your family isn't 'as good' doesn't really seem to explain it.
Perhaps there's some other reason, perhaps something like your brother's sad death bringing the reality of death for everyone eventually closer?

This. Some people avoid saying anything that will remind others of their grief. They mistakenly think that is always the kindest thing to do.

Try not to take it personally.

first thought was they’re maybe nervous, don’t want to make u feel more sad etc.
quickly replaced with they are just actual dicks.

Unfortunately, I can relate to your experience as my in-laws were similar when my Mum died. No kind words, no card, never mentioned her. I did resent them for a long time, but then I accepted the reality that they only care about my DH, not me. So in some ways, it was actually freeing to accept this, because now I don’t have any false ideas about them. I’m always nice to them, but I’m emotionally detached and expect nothing from them.

I’m sorry that they’ve hurt you, OP. 💐

They sent OP a card

@Cheffymcchef Yes I saw that, I was referring to my own experience.

A card isn’t really enough for a daughter-in-law who’s lost a close relative, imo. Some support would be kind.

@Bob1980 They probably ( mistakenly) were trying not to upset you. It's an eye opener how many people say nothing at all. My friend/work colleague said to me when I was bereaved " I don't know what to say". An honest response, and much better than nothing at all. But it says a lot about a person's character.
My sincere condolences to you, and your family, on the death of your brother.

I thought that, I know people who are like that and will even advise others to say nothing about it in case it causes upset. What it does cause is an elephant in the room. Have you talked to your husband about it? Do that before bringing it up with them.

My in-laws are all emotionally incompetent. It took recent extreme events to really confirm it. They cover it up so well with a veneer of snobbishness. They have sort of matriarchal /patriarchal air about discussing previous deaths of their family. 'everyone always turns to us' except now I expect that they don't, and they are actually quite cold about their own sibling and parent deaths.
I have to frame it as liberating to me to have it confirmed although its been very hurtful over the years.
Something dreadful has just happened to their son, my BIL and they have the same don't talk about it attitude. I think I just have to go with telling my family, rather than their's, and friends about the events and include their cold reaction as part of it. They would see it as washing their dirty laundry in public but I lean into the support from others.

It’s hard, but did they know your brother? I agree that they should have acknowledged it, but maybe they were airing for you to bring it up as they didn’t know if you wanted to talk about it or not.

Yes, I'd second that this is a far better way to express your intended sentiment.
Good on you for taking the person's comment on board without being defensive.
Nice to see.

When put with the word "emotionally' it isn't a slur. HTH.

I get it. My beloved DM died very unexpectedly and there was not a single response from my SIL or MIL. No card, no text message, no phone call. Nothing. I’d been their DIL for over 30 years, and had tried hard with them over the years. I told DH I was done with them - I’ll support him if he wants a relationship with them, but I don’t. He gets it and was very embarrassed and upset by their behaviour.

Love and strength to you, OP - it sucks x

Sorry for your loss OP

expect they don’t know what to say. They also may not want to bring it up. I’d be worried to upset someone by saying something. Not that the grief has gone away but maybe it isn’t on your mind in those minutes I’m with you and you don’t want to be taken to the grief right at that time.

After a tragic experience, we notice the most precious people and the shit people around us, they have shown their true characters.
Time to cut them off emotionally.
Put them below your family now.
Let them feel unimportant to you.
It will be healing.

That’s awful. I had a message from my ex (of 15yrs plus) MIL from my ex’s mum and his SIL and nieces when my close friend died, to say how sorry they were to hear and that they were praying for me. I don’t see them much these days, but they would ask straight away how I am coping, as they did when my dad died. The fact is these people aren’t even ex family, but your family. People don’t know what to say, but the fact it, no-one is offended when someone says how are you doing, i’ve been thinking a lot about you. How is your mum etc? I’d be feeling very hurt too.

You realise that the R word is commonly used in that context and isn't the same as when used alone, right? It has other meanings!

Right, that aside. I am very sorry for your loss OP, that must be hard. I do think that people deal with their own grief and with other's grief differently - there isn't a right or wrong way. Some people see it as a very private affair, whereas others want to talk about it. Perhaps your in-laws wanted to give you a day where there was more focus on happy family times? Maybe they wanted you to take the lead on mentioning him - was there a general 'how are you?' where you could mention it? Anyway, wishing you well. They say grief never leaves us, we just learn to live with it us part of us, and we learn to live and love even more. ❤️

Why? I think it’s very good advice.

They sound like heartless, snobbish, horrible people. I would have nothing to do with them any more.