16-year DD not being supportive

[EisMCsquare]

I have been having a tough week as my dad has passed away ( he has been very unwell for a while) I am planning to travel back to attend the funeral. Today I need to go do some shopping, my 16-year old daughter who has said she would come with me and help now said she would not come.
It’s 2pm and she is still sleeping . I asked her to come and she said she can’t be arsed . I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone. but she kept saying she cba and just continued to sleep.
she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude. However,I know if a friend asks her to go out now she would immediately get up and go. But just not for me.
To think my daughter is cold-hearted, selfish. I am so sad. This is not the first time I felt like this about her.

YABU, she is 16, she is not your emotional crutch.

YABU - she is 16 and probably doesn't want to go out with her mother, whether she is sad or not.

Totally unreasonable, she's 16!! She's not a peer, stop treating her like one.

Teenagers are notoriously selfish I'm afraid

So sorry for your loss by the way

In addition, look up empathy in teenagers and when it develops.

Edited to add, I am truly sorry for your loss, it must be a very difficult time.

YABU. You're emotionally blackmailing her and it's borderline abusive.

You need some friends for this. As other have said it’s not okay to lean on your child

She's not a little girl, it wouldn't hurt her to be kind. Teenagers can be selfish, but under the circumstances she could make more of an effort. I'm sorry about your dad, it's a very hard time.

I’m sorry for your loss but she just lost her grandfather surely… no one way to grieve. Maybe stick some headphones in with a podcast on and phone a friend later x

Sorry for your loss OP. Pp comments have been quite unkind.

YANBU to expect your daughter to show some compassion during this difficult time. However, it sounds like she's been indulged over the years and doesn't respect you as much as she should.

Do you issue consequences when she is rude or selfish?

More importantly - is there anyone else you can talk to during this time, who can give you the emotional support that you need?

Hope you're ok.

It may be that as well as not wanting to go out with you she is feeling unconscious pressure and also pressures to look after your sadness

of course she would go with her friends - that’s what happens at her age - peers become very important - it’s just a stage

you need to look after your own self in this, it’s not her job

YANBU. 16’s a selfish age, I was selfish at 16, but in hindsight I think my parents should not have tolerated as much as they did. Obviously it wouldn’t be right for OP to lean too heavily on her teen DD, but requesting a bit of company when grieving is hardly treating her as a ‘crutch’ as a pp claimed. 16’s old enough to start learning empathy/compassion and basic consideration for others, and that the world doesn’t revolve around one’s own whims.

She is a 16 year old whose grandad has just died - is she gcse yesr or not?

Really sorry for your loss OP. It’s so hard to lose someone you love.
Sixteen year olds can be horribly selfish. I’m sure she’ll be kinder to her mum as she matures and starts to see you as a real person with feelings.

is she worried you might get upset when you’re out?

it’s not nice of her to say she will go and then change her mind, but it can be very hard on kids when they see their parents upset, and she might prefer not to see it

She’s too young for you to put the responsibility of emotional support person on her.

Your daughter is not cold hearted or selfish, she’s being a normal teenager. It’s you that sounds self centred tbh.

Is she doing her GSCEs now?

So sorry for your loss OP. Even after a long illness it's still a shock and very sad when someone passes away.

However, YABU. It is 100% not your DDs job to provide you with emotional support. It is extremely unfair of you to ask or expect her to. Of course you can wish she would and it would be lovely if she did, but you are her mum - she is not yours.

Look up parentification. Perhaps you experienced this as a child and it's now why you expect the same from your own child.

Can't believe these replies. OP is just asking her daughter to come shopping not be a counsellor.

All those saying teenagers lack compassion. Well how will they ever develop it if nothing is expected of them?

She’s 16. That’s what 16 year olds do. They eat and they sleep and they spend as little time with their parents as possible and they truly believe that the world revolves entirely around them.

If you need her to help you carry bags etc, then go upstairs, tell her you don’t care whether or not she can or can’t be arsed, she needs to pull her weight and come and help you. That would be fair enough. But if you’re wanting emotional support from her, then I think you’re looking in the wrong place. It would be lovely if she had the emotional sensitivity to do that, but your average 16 yr old generally doesn’t. You’re on a hiding to nothing that is only going to result in both of you being frustrated with the other. You need support from another adult.

Talking about a lack of compassion, aren’t we discussing a 16 year old who has just lost her grandad?

@CopperWhite

The OP has just lost her dad and you are calling her self centred?

@viques

The daughter hasn't said she is upset about her grandfathers death. She has said she can't be assed.