16-year DD not being supportive

[EisMCsquare]

I have been having a tough week as my dad has passed away ( he has been very unwell for a while) I am planning to travel back to attend the funeral. Today I need to go do some shopping, my 16-year old daughter who has said she would come with me and help now said she would not come.
It’s 2pm and she is still sleeping . I asked her to come and she said she can’t be arsed . I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone. but she kept saying she cba and just continued to sleep.
she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude. However,I know if a friend asks her to go out now she would immediately get up and go. But just not for me.
To think my daughter is cold-hearted, selfish. I am so sad. This is not the first time I felt like this about her.

I think that remark was about going shopping. I can’t see that the OP has actually mentioned the child’s response to the grandfathers death.

I would also point out that this is quite likely to have been the first time the child has been exposed to the death of someone close to her. She is 16, possibly doesn’t have either the emotional or physical vocabulary to express how she is feeling. It takes a long time to come to terms with how a death affects you. I dare say that for some children, and some adults, taking to your bed is a comforting way of dealing with grief.

Borderline abusive? Calm down!

She's 16 and probably struggling with seeing her mum grieve (as well as grieving herself presumably?). That's a lot to cope with.

I'm really sorry for your loss but your daughter isn't the right person to look for support from. Let her handle this in her own way and look to friends or your partner for comfort

i am more shocked that this 16 year old seems to be completely emotionally unaffected by her grandfather’s death. my own grandfather father died at that age. he lived far away so i only saw him maybe once a year.

i was still upset and crying when he did pass away because i am not some cold blooded person.

so sorry for your loss op at 16 you really should be able to expect more support from your dd

Is dd grieving for her granda, were they close? Her saying she cba could be teen speak for I've lost someone I love and I'm dealing with it by staying in my bed right now. People grieve in different ways.

Not everyone is a crier or openly upset. Grief is so personal, I certainly wouldn’t pass judgement on how a child deals with it.

but she does not even seem upset or at least OP has not expressed so. i do realise not everyone is an open crier

I agree; how do you learn to do anything walk/talk/drive a car/bake a cake without trying?
If 16 is too young to treat your mum with kindness what age is appropriate, 20/30/40?
For reference my dd’s were in their teens when my mum died and they sat with me, cuddled me and kept trying to make me cups of tea. One of them is autistic but has still ‘learned’ what to do when someone is upset, even if she has to ask ‘are you upset?’.

I think it's not unreasonable to expect a bit of empathy for a 16 year old. But I think people are picking up on something just a bit off in the ops post and the way she talks about her daughter.

It could be that the op is just genuinely in the throes of grief, can't really see beyond this to remember what's normal in a 16 year old who may be grieving too, or even if not close to the grandfather herself, a bit unsettled by the death and by her mothers emotional needs. It could be that as a result of her grief she's describing her daughter in a rather negative way that she wouldn't otherwise, and is a bit blind to why her daughter is behaving this way.

Or, it could be that too often she leans on her daughter for emotional support and to have her emotional needs met and the girl is trying to avoid being overloaded by her mum's neediness. We can't say. But my money's on the latter and this just the latest manifestation of it.

Counselling or psychotherapy for your grief op is often very helpful and can be short term, unless it uncovers a whole load of other issues.

She can’t be arsed getting out of bed, sleeping until 2pm, doesn’t want to face her mum…. Seems like an upset teen to me.

I’m sorry for your loss 🌷

I do think calling a teenager cold hearted for not going to the shops a bit much though!

You are right, the OP hasn’t expressed anything about her child’s response. The OP is at the moment more concerned with her own needs and feelings, which is understandable, she has lost her dad, but reading her posts her expectations of support do seem to be about receiving , not giving. Though of course, peoples posts don’t tell the whole story. We have to fill in the gaps ourselves and we don’t always get it right.

if she is struggling to get out due to grief there are kinder ways to say it then cba “i am really sorry i just feel a bit too upset to go out” or “can i just be on my own” are valid options

I didn't cry when my dad died. It doesn't mean I wasn't grieving and miserable. I had a lot to juggle so just got on with things.

Blimey, I’m surprised how little some people seem to expect of their teens. Sixteen is not too young to have some empathy for someone you love, surely? I can’t imagine any of my DDs behaving like this at that age

This, exactly. 16 is definitely old enough to know right from wrong and being expected to behave politely.

I find it wild that so many posters are complete excusing the daughter from any sort of kind or considerate behaviour. What sort of entitled, selfish brats are they raising?

Sure, I was pretty self-centered as a teen, but I still knew what was or wasn't acceptable behaviour towards my parents. It would never have dawned on me to be so rude, mainly because I knew how much my parents did for me and I understood that I couldn't just insult them without consequences.

When I was 15 my mum had a serious accident and needed a lot of support. Of course my dad stepped up and did most of the cooking and looking after us all etc but it was also made clear that I had to do my part as well.

Oh-so-astonishingly, even as a teen, I was capable of being kind to my mum and occasionally making dinner or bringing her cups of tea. Who knew that teens raised right can actually be reasonable human beings when necessary.

My empathy was lost when it was said to be at 2pm. If it had been 9am I might have been sympathetic to the DD, but not in the early afternoon.

I'm sorry for your loss @EisMCsquare, it can be so tough losing a parent.

But YABU. Your daughter has lost her grandad, maybe she hs having a tough time too. Go and do what you need to do, and cut her some slack.

As much as teenagers can be a pain in the arse, navigating those years can be tough for them. They often don't have the capacity to support their parents emotionally, and they really shouldn't have to.

Is she currently on half term before her final 3 weeks of GCSE’s? I ask because my 16 year is. He is happy today and made lunch but last week he was feeling the pressure so I wouldn’t have asked him for anything.
If your daughter is doing GCSE’s I don’t think she is the person you can get support from. Hopefully there is someone else you can talk to.

I have a 16 year old who is capable of empathy and compassion, I would think it was very odd if he wasn't! And zero chance would he be allowed to slob in bed until 2pm. He was up at 9:30 this morning, he helped me make a cooked breakfast, and then helped his dad clear out the attic.
Even if this girl is upset about her grandad, she could spend some time with her mum, grief can be a shared thing. Sounds like she's being selfish, "can't be arsed" wtf?!

OP I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry your dd is being like this.

I lost a grandparent at 16. Seeing my mum and younger siblings grieving was really hard. I was also grieving myself but didn't feel I could talk to my family about it because they were also upset and I just didn't know what to say. I found it very hard to communicate my emotions or show empathy at that age.
I say that as your daughter could be really struggling herself. It's not fair for you to expect her to support you emotionally, you are the adult and the parent in this situation so you should be the one providing emotional support to your child.

Some of these replies are unbelievable. She's 16, almost a woman, and part of the OP's family. Of course she should show some empathy and support. She's behaving very badly, OP. If you can't bring yourself to talk to her about it, then it shows you're not used to prioritising yourself. Ask another family member for help with it - I find it shocking she's refused and especially bad that she spoke like that to you when you're grieving.

I don't read anything into your post about you expecting her to be your emotional crutch as some other posters have said or implied.

She is someone you love and it makes sense that you would prefer her company to being alone at the moment. You didn't ask her for a long chat, but rather just to join you on a shopping trip. That is not abnormal or asking too much.

I don't think it's appropriate for her to still be in bed at 2 in the afternoon in general. If she told you she would come, it's very selfish of her to then say that she won't.

You are not being unreasonable for expecting her to behave with more compassion, kindness, and integrity. That's the kind of person you want to raise.

She will look back at this in 30 years time and CRINGE.