16-year DD not being supportive

[EisMCsquare]

I have been having a tough week as my dad has passed away ( he has been very unwell for a while) I am planning to travel back to attend the funeral. Today I need to go do some shopping, my 16-year old daughter who has said she would come with me and help now said she would not come.
It’s 2pm and she is still sleeping . I asked her to come and she said she can’t be arsed . I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone. but she kept saying she cba and just continued to sleep.
she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude. However,I know if a friend asks her to go out now she would immediately get up and go. But just not for me.
To think my daughter is cold-hearted, selfish. I am so sad. This is not the first time I felt like this about her.

Who was still in bed at 2pm. She may not be emotional support but at 16 she should be capable of thinking of others and how they may feel.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Teenagers can’t see past their own reflection in the mirror at this stage. It doesn’t make it right that she won’t get up but she doesn’t have the mental capacity to support you.

Do you have a friend you could ask to go with you? Or better still get the shopping delivered and go and meet up with a friend who can show you the empathy you need right now?

I’m so sorry that you feel let down. It won’t hurt to let her know that you’re disappointed in her.

This. 100%. All day long. You expressed it so much better than l could have done.

im sorry for your loss op but I could have written the exact same post about my 17 year old dd. She is selfish with a complete lack of empathy too but thinking back i suppose I was similar at that age too.
like other posters have said, I think you need to rely on friends for support at this time rather than your dd.

Saying she cba is hardly talking to someone like shit 🙄

I remember when my granddad died very suddenly when I was 8, my mum taking a phone call and sliding down the wall in tears. She is a very sensible/practical woman who very rarely cries. At 8 I knew the right response was to give her a hug, even though I remember being so scared seeing her in bits. Then I was about 14 visiting my other granny in a nursing home with dementia with my dad and she was crying that nobody came to visit her, when someone came every other day. I found it so sad, but still had the thought it was hard for my dad too and tried to be kind to him that day. At 16 I was a nightmare at times, but you know enough to put your own feelings aside sometimes when it matters to support your family. Not unreasonable for her to come to the shop with you, I am sorry for your loss and I hope you're OK

Firstly, sorry for your loss.
Secondly, was your daughter close to her Grandfather? Could she be grieving?

Maybe you need to have a chat and see if she needs support as I'm sure it's affected her.

Our teenage years are so important for learning about emotions and relationships and how our teenage years pan out can have positive or negative effects for life. It's not always as black and white as them being uncaring or selfish. Talk with her, I find that's the best solution.

@Rosscameasdoody

You think she should still be in bed at 2pm and speaking to her mum like she’s a piece of shit when she’s old enough to know that she may be grieving a grand dad, but her mother is grieving her dad ?

This.

Honestly I never thought I'd hear myself come out with this sort of rhetoric and am generally very sympathetic to what young people are going through but if teenagers are given a get-out-of-jail-free card for behaviour like this no wonder people are worried about what's happening to them.

Absolutely nothing justifies a teenager telling a grieving parent they "can't be arsed" to come to the shops.

No way on earth would my DD be allowed to behave like this.

I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone.

Is looking for an emotional crutch.

When my grandfather died when I was 10, my mum and dad just got on with it, there was no need (according to them) for any support. When my other grandfather died when I was 18 and at uni my mum told me not to come home until the funeral as she had too much to deal with to be mum.

Different people do things in different ways. Allowing a child to have their own space to grieve is important. I would ask my 16 year old if they wanted to come with me and if they said no, that’s their choice. That isn’t them being incapable and immature, it’s them being seen as the sentient young people they are, aware of how to look after their mental health.

We keep being berated for raising children as if they are our friends, but now we’re told we should be able to rely on them if we feel sad? Which is it?

@BoredZelda

I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone.
Is looking for an emotional crutch.

It's not looking for an emotional crutch. It's encouraging her, in an age-appropriate and sensitive way, to grow up a bit and consider others at a time of crisis in the family.

It's asking a member of the family to play their part as a member of the family
It's asking her not to expect her mum to do all the shopping and domestic dog work just because she's mum
It's asking her to consider the feelings of her mum, who has just lost her dad, and encourage her to have a bit of basic emotional intelligence
It's asking her to get out of bed at 2pm. No one on earth should be in bed at 2pm unless they are ill, dying or chronically depressed
It's asking her to not speak to her mum like crap
It's asking her to have a bit of responsibility
And possibly to give her an opportunity to process the feelings around the death of her grandparent

This thread really makes me wonder…why do posters feel so completely unable to show any form of sympathy/ empathy to women (especially if said women are mothers). Doesn’t matter the scenario…if a woman especially a mother is involved they are the ones expected to put up and shut up, grin and bear it for the greater good, etc etc.

why??

internalised misogyny??

I think because mothers are expected to martyr themselves to the needs of their menfolk and children. Anyone asking to be treated with consideration or compassion at a time of need is berated for "treating their child like an emotional crutch" or "creating drama".

It's quite an eye-opener and thoroughly depressing.

Or experience of their own mother making them resonsible for her emotions.

We don't know enough about OP's situation, but "we're very close", teamed with "she's selfish and cold-hearted" smacks of parentification, and anger at a daughter not living solely to serve her mother's needs.

Like I say, we don't know if that's the case here, but I can see why some posters are reacting the way they are.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope that you get to spend some nice relaxed time with your DD today.

She doesn't need to be her mom's friend. She needs to be a member of the family and family supports each other. She's not being a crutch, she's taking a trip to the shop.

Is it likely your parents told you they didn't need support, because they knew you wanted to be supportive?

My daughter is neither my friend nor an emotional crutch, but if she thinks something is off I'm any way, she checks in. She knows at 16 years old that each family member has a part to play in maintaining a supportive structure, and just as we support her in whatever way she needs it, she is also considerate of others.

It's just what Mums and Daughters do, spend time together! We don't say we are 'emotional crutches' for caring for our dc. It is what families do.

If you have lazy entitled kids who stay in bed all day I can see why you are so defensive.

!6 year olds are selfish by nature unfortunately even if they are lovely at times. Their brains are all over the place at that stage. I wish I could go back and be a better daughter to my mum at that age. I don't think you are unreasonable to be disappointed though. I didn't vote. One day your daughter will probably be mortified at the memory of this day.

I think it says a lot that your post doesn’t even acknowledge your daughter’s loss or grief. You don’t even acknowledge that “we have had a tough week”, just that you have.

It’s actually crazy that you and your daughter have both lost someone important, and you’re complaining about her not supporting you. When I thought I was losing my dad recently, my main concern was ensuring I did enough to support my son through it. I can’t imagine it even crossing my mind to whine that HE wasn’t supporting ME. Especially over something so petty as not coming to the shops with me.

I'm sure my mother would have said similar about me at that age - and actually I would have most likely behaved as this 16 year old. The truth is that I wasn't selfish, cold-hearted or lazy - although I spent a long time very worried that I was, having been told it so many times. The idea of having to support my mother at such a time would have been utterly terrifying to me. I would have processed the situation in my own way which would indeed have looked bad to outsiders, but my mother and I simply didn't have and have never had that kind of relationship. I would rather have had an arm cut off without anaesthesia than gone shopping with my mother to help her deal with her grief. Not because I was horrible but because spending any time with her was torture for a multitude of reasons and a complicated history.

I don't think we know enough about this mother/daughter relationship to judge clearly either way. The information we are getting is a bit odd though - according to the mother the daughter isn't very nice in general, but she also says they're close. Doesn't quite add up to me.

@EisMCsquare I am so very sorry that you are grieving for your Dad and your emotions will be all over the place, but I'm glad to read your most recent update. It's the right decision I think. Your DD will be grieving in her own way, but she is only 16 and teenagers, generally are very selfish and self-centered.

MN seems to be populated with a lot of frustrated types that no matter the situation they’ll type against the poster by default. Women here get bashed left, right and centre for absolutely no reason.

Why would you want company from a surly teen? I don't expect my kids to support me emotionally, and I have literally no one else at all. I didn't have to support my parents when their parents died and no one supported me, I just got on with things.

I dont think its up to your 16 year old daughter to support you

@CloverPyramid

well, not everyone can be as perfect in their grief as you.

Surely keeping your mum company on a shopping trip doesn’t qualify as “support” but just normal kindness towards other family members?

Presumably the OP is talking about having her daughter there to chat to whilst she tries on tops in M&S and has a coffee in town, not asking the DD to hold an intensive session of CBT. It’s bizarre that what I would consider a normal request from a family member or friend if they happened to feel a bit down one day is being characterised as some kind of intensive emotional labour demanded by the OP.

And anyway, so what if it was? Leaning on your child when bereaved might be inappropriate for a younger child, but the OP’s daughter is SIXTEEN. She might not yet know how express emotions very well, but here’s one of those life events when you begin to learn! She’s nearly an adult. Even one generation ago she might be soon about to leave school, get married, have her own baby, get a job. I would honestly have been embarrassed at 16 if I was too immature to offer a little bit of emotional support to my mum when her father had just died. (My grandfather did in fact die of cancer when I was 17 and I was old enough to sit with my mum, bring her some cups of tea, keep her company and listen to her talking about him and the funeral arrangements, and I thought that was the least I could do to be honest. My mum didn’t rely on me for counselling, but she wasn’t expected to infantilise me either.)