16-year DD not being supportive

[EisMCsquare]

I have been having a tough week as my dad has passed away ( he has been very unwell for a while) I am planning to travel back to attend the funeral. Today I need to go do some shopping, my 16-year old daughter who has said she would come with me and help now said she would not come.
It’s 2pm and she is still sleeping . I asked her to come and she said she can’t be arsed . I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone. but she kept saying she cba and just continued to sleep.
she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude. However,I know if a friend asks her to go out now she would immediately get up and go. But just not for me.
To think my daughter is cold-hearted, selfish. I am so sad. This is not the first time I felt like this about her.

What’s missing in the OP’s post is the dd’s grief. This teen has just lost HER GRANDFATHER. Probably the first time she is dealing with death of a close one as a near adult.

But somehow the fa t her dd is probably devastated too just doesn’t appear at all in the OP. Not in most if posters answer. It’s like either she us a teen so can’t be grieving or a grand dad isn’t seen as important.
And yet she’s ALSO been living through the last few months of uncertainty etc…

I’m 😲😲 at the fact no one seem to give a shit about the dd and her grief tbh.

I was that teen. I was the one who was told to stop ‘because you can see how upset your mum is’. The fact the OP is framing what I see is a grief behaviour (wanting to escape her grief and sleep) and putting her needs wo a second thought first her dd’s needs makes me very uneasy tbh.

You can’t ask for anything from teenagers Op @EisMCsquare literally not a single thing otherwise it’s bad parenting

Why?
You think she isn’t grieving herself the lost if her own grandfather?
You think she didn’t feel the tension and the uncertainty when her grandfather in the months before his death?
You think she is so self centered that all that never registered with her?

Wow… Just Wow

Sorry for your loss. There would be a long list of things I couldn’t be arsed doing for my DD if she spoke to me like this.

I'm sure she is upset about losing her dgf, the op was asking her to pop to the shops with her not run a marathon.
When we lose someone it is nice to lean on each other for comfort not stay in bed all day.

And grief isn’t just about crying your eyes out.
It can be withdrawing from the world. It can be being angry. It can be just about coping on your own but not being able to also face the pain your mother feels.

The OP wanted company abd a ‘nice time either way her dd’. She wanted support by asking her dd to keep her mind away from grief by ‘having a nice time’.
Why should the dd be ready and able to do that for the mum when the OP isn’t able to do that herself or for her dd?

Double standar all the way asking a teenager to do something an adult can’t do themselves.

Teenagers often don’t say what they actually feel. She’s lost a grandparent, she maybe doesn’t wasn’t to talk about that, or thinks her mum doesn’t want to talk about that because she’s lost her dad. It does seem like she wants an emotional crutch.

I thought that though understand how you feel, op. Sixteen is an age when most are self centred, particularly when it comes to family. They outgrow it.

I hope all goes smoothly at this difficult time. I am sorry.

Company isn't an 'emotional crutch'. Spending time together shouldn't be the big drama some of you are making it out to be.
She should have got her arse out of bed.

This OP. The only thing wrong with your DD is that she is unfortunately a teenager. They are usually selfish . I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

Jeez I'd expect my childhood to care about me. Not too much to ask for

What a piece of work you are

I'm quite shocked at all these responses accusing the OP of treating her DD like an emotional crutch. She's doing no such thing. She's asking to be treated with a modicum of compassion and respect when she's grieving by someone she's brought into the world and supported. As for those people saying she's also grieving, she may be but she's said she "can't be arsed". I'd have punished her for talking to me like that in the circumstances.

I'm also flabbergasted that anyone would tolerate their DD being in bed at 2pm.

I'm normally the first person to sympathise with young people when they are accused of being pampered snowflakes but your DD sounds entitled, spoiled and heartless. I'm sure she has challenges in her life and isn't finding life easy but I'd be doing some fairly serious reading of the riot act.

My dc would have come with me in that situation at age 16. Yanbu.

I fully appreciate that but even at an older age ( at about 15 or so) they were kind and thoughtful when one of my friends died very suddenly and I was in a state of shock. I guess like all of us , children and young people are all different. I have heard adults making crass comments to recently bereaved people and one of my mates had a partner who couldn't understand how she was still grieving for her mother a mere 3 months after she died.

Fair enough. I was probably responding as if it had been my own 16 yo son (as I imagine many posters are).

If my son told me he CBA (twice) to do something he'd agreed to do then I'm pretty sure he would be expressing "I can't be arsed" and not covering up that he's upset and sad. But then we have a very good relationship.
A grandparent died recently and me and my 2 sons supported each other well I think.

She has lost her grandad too, maybe she needs time to grieve too.

What an awful comment. OP has just lost her dad. At 16 her DD should be more supportive. She’s not a child an should be able to understand.

Teenagers don’t always communicate their feelings very clearly

Her daughter has just lost her grandfather. People grieve in different ways

Yes we've established that people grieve in different ways however a 16yr old joining her mother to get the shopping is not a big ask. Is it?

You think she should still be in bed at 2pm and speaking to her mum like she’s a piece of shit when she’s old enough to know that she may be grieving a grand dad, but her mother is grieving her dad ?

Summed it up perfectly. She's not the emotional support for an adult she's a teenager.

We are raising some entirely incapable and immature children, which explains some of the underdeveloped and incompetent adults on MN.

I lost my dad at 10 and my beloved grandmother at 15 and was a whole lot more use to my mother than these posts imply. We learned early that family support each other and that has served me well into adulthood.

Yes, and those different ways don’t include speaking to a parent like she’s shit on your shoe, when she’s just as deep in grief.