16-year DD not being supportive

[EisMCsquare]

I have been having a tough week as my dad has passed away ( he has been very unwell for a while) I am planning to travel back to attend the funeral. Today I need to go do some shopping, my 16-year old daughter who has said she would come with me and help now said she would not come.
It’s 2pm and she is still sleeping . I asked her to come and she said she can’t be arsed . I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone. but she kept saying she cba and just continued to sleep.
she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude. However,I know if a friend asks her to go out now she would immediately get up and go. But just not for me.
To think my daughter is cold-hearted, selfish. I am so sad. This is not the first time I felt like this about her.

You don't need to indulge but meet them where they are at. If it's company you want, for you're own sake, you need to indulge to help them feel a little safer in the request. If it's teaching them a lesson about kindness and helping others, find a situation a little less close to home (literally).

This is why teenagers and so many adults today are utter shit bags because these are the pathetic excuses made for them.

that is a grandparent that has passed away. A 16yo is fully old enough and capable to have empathy. What a selfish and disgusting attitude she has. I would be sure to treat her the exact same way OP. This is unacceptable. My 9yo is so hugely compassionate and I would be so upset and ashamed to have a 16yo behave this way.

what utter nonsense that she’s not a crutch, or op needs a friend for this. Hopefully when she gets dumped and she has no one to turn to then she will realise how awful she is.

6 and 10 are very different ages to 16, though. I’m sorry for your losses but it’s not really comparable.

My mother used to speak like this about me when I was 16.

no suprise that all three of her grown up daughters are now either no contact, or minimal contact. And we are still selfish, spiteful, ‘little bitches’.

It seems this behaviour is typical of her, so I don't think this situation would suddenly make her compassionate.

If my 16 yo son had agreed to do something then didn't wake up in time and told me he couldn't be arsed (twice), I'd be very upset and have words with him.

Did she have a good relationship with her Granddad ie is she also grieving?
If so you could have framed the trip out as something you would both benefit from - fresh air, change of scenery, being together.

Do you think she feels she needs to support you emotionally a lot and because this one is a biggy she's drawn a line?

I was younger when I lost my Grandmother, but remember feeling more unsettled by my mother's grief rather than my own. Do you think she might be feeling that?

DD has just lost her grandfather, maybe she’s sad too and just wants to stay in bed to cope, rather than go out shopping and having to face the world.

OP youre hurting but you’re not being fair. We cope in different ways.

What, did you stay in bed all day and say you cba to go shopping? Maybe she had a point <not the little bitches comment that isn't ok but selfish?>

Yeah, that’s not always how grief works.

Exactly! As if teenagers known to be great communicators with their parents at the best of times

@Luckycatlady fortunately at no point did OP refer to her DD as a little bitch, that’s just mean and abusive, nothing like being disappointed about lack of compassion.

Wow. I guess my expectations are different from a lot of posters. My sister passed away on Friday evening, and both my teenage daughters came around to hang out and keep me company, watching rubbish TV. I didn't ask them to, they just knew that I would be sad and distractions would be appreciated.

My brothers did the same for my mum and each other. That's just what you do when someone dies.

I don't feel that it's manipulative to communicate your feelings to your children and ask for their support. Otherwise how will they know how to do the same when they need help?

Oh good grief, you cannot be serious! Totally trivialise genuine abuse, why don’t you?

I would also have a long memory when she wants something in the future. She's old enough at 16 to be able to offer a bit of support to her mother, it's yet another example of infantilizing to claim a 16 years old can't do that.

What garbage!

So from OP's post, DD is a lazy arse who doesn't give a hoot for her Mum's feelings. This has prompted a wave of assumptions, eg:

DD is grieving her grandfather too. Maybe she wasn't/isn't - did Mum model a loving relationship with him to DD?

Any DD would support her mother at this time. Not necessarily, depends on their relationship, OP's parenting, DD's relationship with grandfather, DD's conflicting emotions...

DD is in bed at 2pm because she's lazy. She could also be depressed, or have some other condition that makes you behave like an arse, but at 16 you don't have the awareness or words for

DD is 'cold hearted and selfish'. Or she might have had a lifetime of feeling she's supposed to look after Mum, and defiance/lack of sympathy is her unlovely adolescent way of asserting her own unmet needs

Etc etc! None of my italics might be what's happening here of course. But we only have one side of the story, and when AIBUs are so black-and-white it makes me wonder what else might be going on.

“Can’t be arsed” was very well communicated to her mother. I’m sure she knew exactly how that would be taken. It wasn’t a heat of the moment thing - she said it twice.

yabu

Your daughter does not exist to help you.

Would you expect the same emotional support of a son do you think? Or are you loading gendered expectations on her to subjugate herself in service of others?

I'm sorry you are sad, but you need to reach out to siblings, friends and peers for the support you need. It's not your child's job.

Teenagers are selfish, it's normal. It's certainly good parenting to make any teenager get off their butt and do sonething positive for the household from time to time. However, that should not ever be based on how needy you personally are feeling. It should be for their own good and should be the same expectation consistently whether your own mood is low or high.

Firstly - Sorry for your loss.

this behaviour is not acceptable. She said she would do something and then with no regard to anyone just can’t be bothered to get up.

totally unacceptable.

it is not inevitable at as they turn 13 that kids turn into selfish teenage monsters . I can’t believe the amount of people excusing her rude behaviour as being ‘because she is a teenager’

any of us can be self centred - but it is not a nice trait and not one I would accept from her. ‘Just because she’s a teen’

I would challenge her - not because you want her emotional support etc - but because she ‘cba’ to keep her word. Integrity and sticking to things you agreed to are important life skills.

Family life is about give and take and opting out of chores because she can’t be bothered is not on at any time let alone while you are grieving.

the only way teenagers Learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them and thst other people matter too us by challenging them on their behaviour. Don’t let this go because ‘she’s a teen’ . calmly but clearly point out to her what she has done wrong and I hope she might stop and think and learn by her mistake.

once again - sorry for your loss .

Completely agree! I lost a much-loved grandparent at 16, and of course I felt very sad, but I had no difficulty grasping that my father needed support (although he was very reserved and didn’t make much of it). I can still remember just wanting to hold his hand at the funeral, to be there.

It is not as if OP has been dumping all her emotions on her DD for weeks on end. She’d just like a bit of company at the shops!

Op I'm sorry for your loss. Please remember your daughter is also grieving and is too young to know how to process this. Perhaps she doesn't want to go out because she doesn't feel comfortable with her (and your) emotions right now?

She's 16 not 6 and she doesn't have to process anything just be a bit of company for her dm whilst shopping instead of festering in bed all day.

I guess she is being avoidant. She doesn't feel equipped to be dealing with a Mother who is overwhelmed by sadness. She wants the status quo of her Mother being the grown up and tending to her emotional issues to continue.

I think you need to re frame your thinking about this: she isn't cold hearted but she lacks the emotional maturity to support you in your grief. That's not her fault. It will come.

You need to look around you for someone who is able to support you (sibling? friend?)

CBA can be used to cover her feelings of not wanting to get out of bed because she’s upset and sad, which is maybe something she doesn’t feeling comfortable with expressing to her mother. Who, let’s face it, is judging her actions.

So exactly what I said. Teenagers aren’t known to be able to express themselves at the best of times. Never-mind with a death in the family.

Sometimes you have to look a little below surface level.

16 still is very young for understanding grief. She's not had the life experience to support someone through loss.