16-year DD not being supportive

[EisMCsquare]

I have been having a tough week as my dad has passed away ( he has been very unwell for a while) I am planning to travel back to attend the funeral. Today I need to go do some shopping, my 16-year old daughter who has said she would come with me and help now said she would not come.
It’s 2pm and she is still sleeping . I asked her to come and she said she can’t be arsed . I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone. but she kept saying she cba and just continued to sleep.
she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude. However,I know if a friend asks her to go out now she would immediately get up and go. But just not for me.
To think my daughter is cold-hearted, selfish. I am so sad. This is not the first time I felt like this about her.

Fuck me, some of these replies have me shaking my head! The OP is asking for a bit of company after her dad died, she's not asking her 16-year old to run a marathon or wallpaper the whole house single-handedly or even be an emotional crutch. Yes, teenagers can be selfish but to refuse her grieving mother some company because she can't be arsed going shopping with her is shocking. I have a 17-year old DD. She was 15 when my dad died and she had more compassion for me than some MN posters seem to have for the OP.

@EisMCsquare Losing a parent is horrendous. I'm very sorry indeed for your loss.

Shock horror 16 year old doesn’t choose the kindest words or know how to verbalise her emotions well 🤣

2pm?? She should be up and out regardless of what is going on.

I'd expect my dc to come shopping with me whenever I asked so yanbu. Tell her it's disgusting to fester in bed all day and she can either go shopping or do some chores, her choice.

I cannot believe all the excuses everyone is making for the OPs daughter. Sorry, whilst there might be underlying reasons, she is selfish and should be thinking about her Mum and being supportive. Saying she cannot be arsed is not ok. The OP is not being unreasonable at all.

and at what age would it no longer be acceptable to be rude and obnoxious? even as a teen they deserve to know that it is not appropriate to behave a certain way

I am sorry about your dad and of course your daughter is bereaved too. You will both be experiencing an emotional roller coaster but I do not think it is unreasonable to expect her to come and keep you company on a shopping trip. It could have been a way of comforting each other. Maybe cut each other a bit of slack though and try and take things hour to hour as it is very early days of grieving.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Is your DD usually quite considerate, helpful etc and this is out of character? Or is this standard behaviour for her to sleep in and not want to do family activities?

I agree with those who say it's difficult for teens to see parents grieving and upset, and they can express their feelings by avoiding or being resistant. Teens also can't be expected to respond to a bereavement like an adult, or know what the adults around them need.

Rather than framing it as DD not supporting you when you're grieving, I would approach it as being about not keeping a commitment she's made. Keeping your word to others and not letting people down is an important adult life skill to learn - you can't just not turn up to work because you fancy a lie in, for example.

Is she not doing her GCSEs OP?

My DC were certainly capable of showing compassion in their teens. But had I demanded it that would have backfired. As others have said, it's not a parent's job to lean on their kids for emotional support - if they give it, that's lovely, but you simply cannot ask them for it.

And while I think it's fine to expect a teenager to pull their weight by helping with the shopping, once you phrase it as 'because I'm lonely and upset', you've moved into a whole new territory and probably made them uncomfortable. As a teenager I hated it if my mum expressed any emotional needs - that wasn't her job, as far as I was concerned. Selfish and immature of me? Definitely. But not an abnormal reaction for a teenager.

I'm very sorry about your dad, OP. But wait for your daughter to show support, rather than ask her for it, and you might be pleasantly surprised.

she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude.

”cold hearted”

who needs enemies when you have a mother who views you like this

My child was 6 when my dad died and 10 when my mum died. At age 10 they cuddled me and used to hold my hand and say "oh my poor mummy, you are an orphan now" . I did not prompt them to comfort me as one of my biggest concerns was supporting them as they were especially close to my mum. In fact I put some of my grief on the back burner because my child was so upset.

I'm sorry about your loss.
I behaved very similar at your dd age and I cringe and I am embarrassed by how selfish I was.
However after working with teenagers for years and learning about the adolescent brain, your dd is quite a typical teenager. Obviously not all teens are like this but it is not that unusual.
She will likely grow out of this trait if all the nurturing has been put in place by you and your family.she will likely to follow your values as she goes into adulthood in the next few years.

There are two things in play which slightly contradict one another.

You should not treat DD as a peer by leaning on her for emotional support.

But also

DD is 16 and should have developed rudimentary empathy by now - eg understand the idea of grief and want to at least go through the motions of offering someone who is very recently bereaved some care.

Well if she is being in bed all day won't be helping with revision.

Why is she in bed at 2pm?

I can’t believe some of these comments.

I’m so sorry for your lost OP. Your daughter is being a cow, as teenagers often are. It isn’t good enough, but won’t be a full reflection on her or your parenting. Teenagers are just pricks at times.

I hope you find someone to go with, and maybe get her dad or somebody else to give her a kick up the arse.

Firstly, I am so sorry you have lost your Dad. 🌹

Secondly, yes she is 16 and yes this is what 16 year olds do. They can be moody, self centered and lazy. She is just showing normal teenage behaviour saying that she can't be arsed and refusing to go.

And while I agree that its not her job to be your emotional crutch, I also think it wouldn't have hurt her to show you some compassion and do something to support you and that you needed from her in that moment. So I do understand why you feel a little upset and hurt.

I'm always shocked at the low expectations that MN have for teenagers. She's 16! She understands what's occurred, the emotional support that family members offer each other and how she can support her mother. It's ridiculous to suggest that she's an emotional crutch. She's almost an adult and a member of a family. Love, support, empathy and kindness are basic qualities and core parts of being a family. I don't understand how MN expects families to function or how teenagers can be expected to grow into capable adults when kindness and empathy are not expected of them.

Her behaviour is terrible OP. I'm so sorry for your loss and that your daughter has let you down today. I would be having a conversation with her later about how hurt you were. She needs to learn from this experience.

Some of these replies are awful. I have teenage children and they would have come without a second thought. I’d be upset if they were lacking in empathy for this situation. They aren’t 5. Don’t think either of my children have ever said they can’t be arsed. I don’t recall ever being like that with my parents growing up either.

This won’t be a one off
this will be a chequered mother / daughter relationship with a history of drama
I’m guessing the OP has had to endure a lot of school associated shit
This is simply the by product of years of poor behaviour, no idea with blame being shared

No wonder so many young people are selfish.
Of course your 16 year old is old enough to have a bit of compassion and kindness towards you.

I am so sorry for your loss.
She has form you say?
Time to match her energy I think.

As long as behaving like a selfish arse has no consequences, then she has no reason to re evaluate how she behaves towards others.

No way would my children behave like this and they too can be selfish at times.

Because you have a good healthy loving relationship with your children, that has developed over many many years

this is clearly not a similar relationship

No wonder so many young people are selfish.

what a bizarre extrapolation to have made from this thread

this 16 year old
and this mother / daughter relations has no similarities to my dd and my relationship with her

Some of these replies are insane, just because teenagers tend to be selfish doesn’t mean we should indulge. Expecting a teenager to help with some shopping like she said she would isn’t parentification.

My DD is lovely but it’s also like this. She won’t lift a finger to help with anything, but if I invite her for a day out and pay for everything she’ll happily come.

I don’t know if it’s a phase, an age thing, an only child thing… but I’ve stopped planning and financing days out the way I used to because of this attitude.

A 16 year old might find adult emotions very difficult to deal with. Helping a peer is different, but a proper adult - especially a parent, having emotions and emotional needs, needing support, might be confusing and disconcerting for her, like the world turned upside down. The more so if her grandfather has died recently. Her "I can't be bothered" could well be teenager speak for "I don't know how to manage the demands of this situation". And yes it is selfish, but she's bloody 16. It comes with the territory.