16-year DD not being supportive

[EisMCsquare]

I have been having a tough week as my dad has passed away ( he has been very unwell for a while) I am planning to travel back to attend the funeral. Today I need to go do some shopping, my 16-year old daughter who has said she would come with me and help now said she would not come.
It’s 2pm and she is still sleeping . I asked her to come and she said she can’t be arsed . I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone. but she kept saying she cba and just continued to sleep.
she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude. However,I know if a friend asks her to go out now she would immediately get up and go. But just not for me.
To think my daughter is cold-hearted, selfish. I am so sad. This is not the first time I felt like this about her.

she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude.

I can understand you want her to behave more compassionately towards you but given that this is normal behaviour, YABU to expect her to be different.

Firstly sorry for your loss. Secondly YABU. Whilst she sounds very lazy being asleep at 2pm. It is not her job to emotionally support you. As a friend to support you during this time.

Sorry about your Dad. But you can't make your daughter go alone with you. She's presumably doing GCSE's, lost her grandad and on half term. My teens would never come shopping with me, even at the best of times. I do everything alone.

I'm shocked at some of these replies. Op YANBU she is 16, not 6. She is old enough to understand you would like some support. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Just wow at these replies. I thank god that my boys have empathy and compassion. Being 16 isnt an excuse for not supporting her mother.

OP, im so so sorry for your loss, i hope you have a family/friend network that can help and support x

Sorry about your dad OP 💐
I am afraid some teens can be ridiculously selfish and unreliable. Do you have other support around you?

Hope you pick up a bit soon.

My sympathies for your loss.

I think you are being unreasonable expecting your 16 year old to be emotionally supportive of you and you need to look elsewhere for comfort. She also has had a loss and she just might not have the emotional capacity to be anyone's support right now.

Wtf? I really don’t get this and others on the thread talking about emotional crutches. If my mum had had a bereavement I would have wanted to keep her company on a shopping trip, and asking for that is hardly turning the child into a “crutch” or being abusive.

At 16 a kid is nearing adulthood, and should have some empathy for a close family member. Posters on this thread are acting like teenagers somehow have a get out of jail free card from family life, or as if being asked to do something quite minor with your mum is emotional abuse. Absolutely infantilising and ridiculous! And also seem to be projecting whatever authority issues they have onto the OP.

@EisMCsquare Yanbu. Some teenagers can be little shits though and not mature until a bit later than would be ideal. But I would be sad in your place too.

YANBU

Of course teenagers can be selfish and only do what they want to do most of the time, but I think she is being heartless.

Sometimes they need to step up and think about others.

So sorry for your loss 💐

Thanks for those of you who have been kind and sensible , much appreciated. 🫶

I do have family members and good friends who are nothing but supportive. I think I just wanted to spend a bit of time with my daughter as we are very close despite the usual teenage-mum disagreement. but maybe I overreacted , I am a bit over sensitive at this period of time.
I will not force her do anything neither should I judge her on this.

My son has given us lots of hassle, no angel by any stretch of the imagination (now 18) but has stepped up in situations like this in a heartbeat. He always has my back when push comes to shove. Unfortunately every kid/adult is different 🤷‍♀️

YABU. She’s your child. It isn’t her role to take you shopping because you’re feeling sad. I’m sorry for your loss, but your teenager isn’t responsible for managing your grief for you.

You call her selfish and rude, which suggests the two of you don’t have a good relationship anyway - you don’t give the impression that you like her very much. That’s fair enough, some teens aren’t very likeable - but it’s unreasonable to then expect her to be your emotional support and to expect emotional support to take the specific form of a shopping trip with you.

Exactly this.
I am sorry for your loss though OP.

It's normal for teenagers to be selfish what is not normal is for a mother to emotionally guilt her into to doing something.

You’ve just lost your dad, it’s not surprising your emotions are all over the place.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was deal with a parents grief when I was a teenager, it absolutely paralysed me and freaked me out. Give her a break, she has just lost her grandad. I imagine she is being rude cause she doesn't have the tools to explain why this is so hard.

If you want to spend time together maybe you could watch some trashy tv under a blanket with some ice cream instead to comfort you both.

I’m sorry for your loss OP - but I disagree with you slightly here. I’ve got a DS17 and in your shoes I would judge him if he behaved like this. I would also remind him very firmly next time he wants a lift etc that he couldn’t be bothered to help me, and he’d be walking or on the bus. I believe very firmly in challenging lazy selfish teens and delivering consequences, and you would not be wrong to do so with your DD.

I am a very kind compassionate person. Normal happy childhood. Not spoiled or overindulged.

However I absolutely cringe when I remember my behaviour when my elderly grandma died - I was 14 or 15. Whilst I was upset, she didn’t live close by and we didn’t have a close relationship. However, I was upset that the funeral was on a day I usually went to a youth club which was the absolute highlight of my week. I remember asking if we would be home in time from the funeral for me to go and being disappointed when we wouldn’t.

With my adult maturity I think it’s shocking behaviour on my part to even ask and don’t really understand it. I lost my mum when I was in my 20’s so we never discussed it & I didn’t get chance to apologise. I expect my mum had some thoughts about me that day but never showed it.

sorry for your loss. Just to say, yes in an ideal world she should show compassion and I can understand your disappointment. However it’s also a tricky age and not a sign of your DD compassion for the future.

I'm so sorry for your loss but you shouldn't depend on your daughter to make you feel better.

She may be struggling with the death of her grandfather too. We words might not match her state of mind. I think for now you give her the benefit of the doubt and be kind. She is only 16. Is there someone else who could give you the company and support that you need.

I lost my dad at 17. It’s not an excuse to behave like an arsehole. I”m really sorry for your loss OP.

What is your DD still doing in bed at two o’clock? I’d have a problem with that.

If she “cba” to come shopping with you, I think there might be one or two things that you “cba” to do when it’s her wanting you to put yourself out on her behalf.

That’s good to read, and that’s how it should be. I would expect my DS to help with the shopping in this situation, because I put myself out to give him lifts etc. I teach mine that families should help each other and pull together. There are far too many excuses being made here for selfish, lazy behaviour.

OMG! The first answers must be the same people who don't open the front door. Very strange phenomenon only found on Mumsnet. I would go in and tell her she is coming. You have asked for help and you don't want to go on your own. I'm sure you do thousands of things to improve her life every day. Family should support each other. Helping you this one time would mean a lot.