Page 8 | 16-year DD not being supportive

EisMCsquare · 2025-05-26T13:12:12+00:00

I have been having a tough week as my dad has passed away ( he has been very unwell for a while) I am planning to travel back to attend the funeral. Today I need to go do some shopping, my 16-year old daughter who has said she would come with me and help now said she would not come. It’s 2pm and she is still sleeping . I asked her to come and she said she can’t be arsed . I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone. but she kept saying she cba and just continued to sleep. she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude. However,I know if a friend asks her to go out now she would immediately get up and go. But just not for me. To think my daughter is cold-hearted, selfish. I am so sad. This is not the first time I felt like this about her.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/05/2025 22:48

C36M · 26/05/2025 18:17

Saying she cba is hardly talking to someone like shit 🙄

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Depends on your standards. My children never spoke to me like that. Only on MN are you a terrible parent for expecting a bit of support at difficult times from children who are old enough to understand perfectly well what’s going on.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/05/2025 22:55

Teenagers brains work differently, it's normal for them to be selfish.

She's also had a bereavement and I don't think it's reasonable to expect her to be your support.

Is there an adult you can ask for support instead?

cloudbusting123 · 27/05/2025 06:43

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I find some of the comments on this thread bizarre to say YABU. You are in no way asking your daughter to be your emotional crutch. You are sad which is completely natural in your situation and it’s important that children understand that their parents have feelings and emotions too and that they are completely normal. Of course she should be expected to understand this and be kind to you when you are grieving.

Thatsalineallright · 27/05/2025 07:36

I find it fascinating tbh. A few centuries ago we were expecting 16 year olds to work, get married, have children, support a whole family. Now we apparently think it's too much to expect them to get out of bed before 2pm and go on a short shopping trip.

Why do we go from one extreme to the other?

ThePiglet · 27/05/2025 10:24

Thatsalineallright · 27/05/2025 07:36

I find it fascinating tbh. A few centuries ago we were expecting 16 year olds to work, get married, have children, support a whole family. Now we apparently think it's too much to expect them to get out of bed before 2pm and go on a short shopping trip.

Why do we go from one extreme to the other?

Well firstly, it was actually vanishingly rare for 16 year olds to be married and supporting whole families as the vast majority of marriages were of people in their 20s. Aristocrats married young but tended to live with family and obviously were supported and supporting. Second, records of the immaturity of teenagers are found in antiquity. Thirdly, even if you consider that I'm wrong on the two previous points, maturity is culturally determined and you can hardly blame a modern 16 year old for not having the outlook of someone from a pre-industrial, pre-universal education, society.

Daysofcake · 27/05/2025 10:31

ThePiglet · 27/05/2025 10:24

Well firstly, it was actually vanishingly rare for 16 year olds to be married and supporting whole families as the vast majority of marriages were of people in their 20s. Aristocrats married young but tended to live with family and obviously were supported and supporting. Second, records of the immaturity of teenagers are found in antiquity. Thirdly, even if you consider that I'm wrong on the two previous points, maturity is culturally determined and you can hardly blame a modern 16 year old for not having the outlook of someone from a pre-industrial, pre-universal education, society.

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I myself was occasionally found in bed at 2pm in the early nineties, and my mum didn’t mind, but I still managed to be kind to her when she was bereaved, and not tell her I couldn’t be arsed.

CloverPyramid · 28/05/2025 18:12

Cherrytree86 · 26/05/2025 21:19

@CloverPyramid

well, not everyone can be as perfect in their grief as you.

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It’s not being “perfect in your grief” to recognise that your child has had a loss too and not moan about them for being “unsupportive”.

BrightGreenPoet · 03/06/2025 02:50

You're unreasonable. From one parent to another - you sound self absorbed.

Eleven months ago I found my mother dead in a pool of blood on her dining room floor. This was four weeks after getting out of the hospital myself after almost dying from a drug resistant superbug which I caught during surgery to remove a bunch of my intestines after they found cancer when I was 29 weeks pregnant. I sat on her kitchen chair in agony watching over her body and waiting for the coroner while my six week old infected incision leaked through the bandages and the police took crime scene photos.

Do you know what I thought about? How horrifying it was that my three children were going to have to go through the rest of their lives without her. How on earth I was going to make this okay for them.

Not one single time did I think about how my kids were going to make ME feel better.

What kind of mother are you?

Cherrytree86 · 03/06/2025 21:21

BrightGreenPoet · 03/06/2025 02:50

You're unreasonable. From one parent to another - you sound self absorbed.

Eleven months ago I found my mother dead in a pool of blood on her dining room floor. This was four weeks after getting out of the hospital myself after almost dying from a drug resistant superbug which I caught during surgery to remove a bunch of my intestines after they found cancer when I was 29 weeks pregnant. I sat on her kitchen chair in agony watching over her body and waiting for the coroner while my six week old infected incision leaked through the bandages and the police took crime scene photos.

Do you know what I thought about? How horrifying it was that my three children were going to have to go through the rest of their lives without her. How on earth I was going to make this okay for them.

Not one single time did I think about how my kids were going to make ME feel better.

What kind of mother are you?

@BrightGreenPoet

not everyone can be as selfless as you. And that is ok. OP is wanting her daughter to keep her company at the shops, not give her therapy sessions.

RedFlagsAllOver · 03/06/2025 21:51

I'm very sorry for your loss op.
I have a 16 year old son and he's the same. I lost my dad a few years ago so he was younger then I know it's not the same but we recently lost a cat and dog, our cat had been unwell for a year and he asked me if we could please have her cremated and keep the ashes. I said yes of course but when it came down to it he had no part, I didn't expect him to be there when we put her to sleep but when I asked him to collect the ashes with us he said no and wouldn't get out of bed . I try not to give him a hard time but I understood how it can ve dissapointing