Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your stepdad, he must have been a lovely man. Your mum sounds great! This new man...I wouldnt say a red flag, more a flotilla of ships waving individual red flags.

I don't have any useful advice to give and I am sorry to be so unhelpful. But you sound like a very loving and supportive daughter. Hopefully someone a bit wiser will come along soon.

tell her how you feel - it sounds as if there are elements of his behaviour that she doesn't appreciate.
If he is rude to her friends as he was to you, she could end up very isolated.

He sounds pretty awful.

What did he say to you that was so rude?

He sounds like trouble. I think you need to speak up.

It sounds like you’ve really tried to be as fair and balanced as possible and despite that something really does sound quite off. I don’t think you should ignore these red flags. He sounds full on and your mum to some degree is probably still quite vulnerable too. I guess all you can do is look out for her, and try to get her to open up to you. Don’t let him try to isolate her etc

There are so many red flags already, your mum really should be aware. Friends have warned her off him, you find him very rude - why is your mum making excuses for him??

This is meant to be their honeymoon period, when he is the best version of himself.

I’d hate to see the worst version…

he sounds like really bad news. encourage your mum to dump him.

Sit down with your mum and kindly share your feelings. I say this knowing that after I ended a 7.5 year abusive relationship my closest family told me they had concerns from the beginning but knew how I much I liked him and thought I was happy.
Say it once, say gkh won't bring this your again but she is always welcome to and rhat you are there for her.
Such a worry for you, sounds like more than one red flag to me (and I don't pick them well at all haha!)

I'm really sorry you lost your stepdad and I'm really glad you had such a good relationship with him. This man should come with a government health warning. What do your mum's friends say about him, I know someone warned her about him but what about the others? I appreciate she must've been very lonely but this isn't the man to help her. To be honest it sounds as though he's got his eyes on the prize. I do think you should speak to her really openly but be very careful at the same time that she doesn't turn against you.

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your mum so I would raise your concerns in. A gentle way- she may be feeling these deep down but perhaps it is hard to see what is real if he is love bombing her and perhaps she hadn’t expected to feel that way again so clinging on to something that’s not quite right.

at least if she wants to stay with him then maybe help her put up some boundaries to such as not calling her everyday and making sure she still see friends etc, and knowing he can’t talk to you like that (and even the ‘banter’ with her is not acceptable all the time). Thing is, he is likely set in her ways and not likely to change. Perhaps this is how he was with his wife and doesn’t know how to be any other way such as what is appropriate at the start of a new relationship? Therefore your mum should give him pointers about what she expects and doesn’t expect??

these other friends that have warned her off him - what was the reason? Just his rudeness?

The first time I met him was Tuesday and he’d just joined us to walk the dog. He’s not from here but moved to the area around 3 years ago. He’d been for a walk with mum previously and was telling me about a nice local walk I should try and I said nicely, well I actually grew up here and it is beautiful and his response was. “There really isn’t anything I can tell you or your mother that you don’t already know is there?”. I thought that was odd.
We went for a day shopping on Friday and on the way there he started talking about trams vs buses (seems random I know), and how trams weren’t financially viable compared to buses. I live in a city up north so was trying to explain how each cater to different needs/speeds/route etc and about three times he cut over me telling me I wasn’t listening to him, I wasn’t getting his point, I want understanding him. I wasn’t being rude at all just literally explaining how the systems are used in a city (nicely!).
May seem very trivial but at the time it felt very aggressive really. @PebbleDashAtOne

Speak up ,
your mom says people don't like him , she's been warned about him ,he has been rude to you , what more is there to come ?
He is in her face all the time so she probably can't see the wood for the trees .
I don't think i could keep quiet about him if he were with my mom , i also think i would have answered back when he was rude to me.
He sounds like trouble ,i really don't like the sound of him going in your moms home alone either.

What did he say to you? That would be helpful to gauge how he is. I’d be worried about this too. My Dad started dating again at a similar age after my mum died. They’d been together for 40 years. One of the women he decided to introduce me to was a walking red flag and was very rude to me. I’m afraid I bit back at her and told my dad that she was deeply unpleasant and I couldn’t support a relationship. He did ditch her. I was relieved he listened because I didn’t want to seem like a jealous daughter if you see what I mean. He did eventually meet my wonderful stepmum and married her and all is well. I think it sounds to
me as if your mum is on the ball but it’s very easy to be taken in by a love bomber. I think you should have a full and frank with her and plant the seed. You sound like a lovely daughter ❤️

Does your mum know about love bombing or coercive control? Why did she decide to ignore the many warnings she got from other people?

The moving there three years ago and then his wife dying after a year and a half - what happened there? My spidey senses would make me do a Clare's Law request.

Yes I think you’re right. We are very close and have a great relationship which I think is why this is so hard really.
The friends that warned her off of him are from the group that they met in, so she doesn’t know them really well, but well enough for them to care clearly. It was his rudeness, the way he speaks to people I believe. Mum is obviously very aware of it as she seems to be making excuses / warning me of it before I met him.
Her close friends haven’t met him yet but he’s due to go to my uncles 70th which is staying with my aunt and 2 uncles next month so I think that will be good as they will be able to tell I think. My aunt is over in Sweden but I may message her perhaps to just see what she thinks but without giving the detail as I don’t want to sway her thinking.

I think it's strange that you have come down to visit and you have hardly seen your mum, why has that happened, what does she think about that?

I see, he's one of those men who knows everything and can't deal with any response to that other than 'wow, you're so right and so clever'. Very wearing and they will argue it out till the cows come home. And given that women are socialised to agree or back down in order to be nice / polite / non-confrontational, they often don't get much pushback anyway.

I would find time alone with your mum to have a conversation about it. Acknowledge that she's really in love with him and ask how she feels about the rude and argumentative side of him. Tell her adults should be able to cope with someone having different opinions and she's got the right to disagree with him. But also tell her she's your mum and nothing will come between you ever, and that you're always there for her. Other people can probably give better advice on this, but the point is to make her feel it's not something she has to keep secret from you and you'll back her up as needed.

Read back over your post.....read it again..... Why on earth do you think you're being unreasonable?

Your mum is an adult, it's up to her, but there's a lot wrong and her friends think so too.

Thank you, you’re totally right. And I absolutely don’t want to come across as the jealous daughter. I want her to meet somebody so I know she’s safe and cared for and happy.
The first time I met him was Tuesday and he’d just joined us to walk the dog. He’s not from here but moved to the area around 3 years ago. He’d been for a walk with mum previously and was telling me about a nice local walk I should try and I said nicely, well I actually grew up here and it is beautiful and his response was. “There really isn’t anything I can tell you or your mother that you don’t already know is there?”. I thought that was odd.
We went for a day shopping on Friday and on the way there he started talking about trams vs buses (seems random I know), and how trams weren’t financially viable compared to buses. I live in a city up north so was trying to explain how each cater to different needs/speeds/route etc and about three times he cut over me telling me I wasn’t listening to him, I wasn’t getting his point, I want understanding him. I wasn’t being rude at all just literally explaining how the systems are used in a city (nicely!).
May seem very trivial but at the time it felt very aggressive really. @TheFormidableMrsC

There are more red flags here than a communist parade.

I'd be trying to get her to dump him. He sounds like bad news.

@Agapornis That’s a very good point actually. She should know very well as my real father was very abusive and she was with him 14 years (until I was 6). She’s been very happily married for years and years so she’s fully aware of what she doesn’t want which is why I’m so surprised at this.
His wife had scoliosis apparently, so became quite disabled and sadly passed away.

@TheSmallAssassin She said she felt really guilty about it on Thursday that’s why I suggested he came out shopping for the day so that we could all do something - this was after he knew we were going and had said to her he was thinking of going anyway.
I think she feels very torn though I’ve not put any pressure on her so she knows. I get the impression she doesn’t know what to do.
I did say to her this evening that I felt like I wanted to go back to Manchester as I was feeling uncomfortable and awkward about the whole thing. Tomorrow he is taking her on a 3 hour journey back to where he and his wife are from as it’s her birthday and to visit the grave. It’s just all weird. So that’s another full day I won’t see her for so it just feels very pointless being here really.

I think he sounds like an odd person, and probably a difficult person to be in a relationship with quite controlling.

I'd share your concerns with your mum. But accept she is obviously able to make her own choices.

Him having access to her house is not good. He could send flowers or come round to cook a meal when she is in without having access to a key, why did she give him access, did he ask for it?

@PullTheBricksDown Thank you, that’s really helpful. I’ll do that for sure.

@AurumVox
He's celebrating your mum's birthday by taking her on a 6hr round trip to visit his late wife's grave????
WTAF?

Is he financially stable?

I would be honest with you mum

It's hard but safeguarding is key