Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago

I don't understand why you would do this without meeting him first.You basically told her to ignore red flags. While she is a grown woman and can make her own decisions, your view also carries weight. Also it sounds like she has a lot of friends, and you, if you actually make an effort. You seemed to have a mindset that she desperately needed another man and were keen to encourage almost anyone as long as she was in a relationship, which I find odd.

Hes not lacking in social skills. He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. He is trying to isolate her.

I thought autistic before I read anything. More the directness that comes across as rude and the inability to take on someone else's knowledge without finishing their points first and having to be right.
Your mum is at fault though, not making any time for you.
Personally I'd be honest and say he's stifling her but she sounds so emeshec I dount that will.go down well.

Maybe he is autistic but his rudeness to OP was actual rudeness, not bluntness or talking over her. The comment about her always being right is pure fragile masculinity lashing out.

In all honesty from what I’ve read your mum is seeing these red flags and is explaining them to you maybe to see if you can validate her but instead you seemed to have glossed over them. I think you really need to step up here and share your concerns with her.

what is his financial / living situation?

Trust your gut

A love rat!! I’d be seeking more of his back story - he’s just landed out of the purple! What other family has he got, jobs, where has he lived, grown up etc etc get your mother to lock her finances down - there is nothing good about this one

Red flags a plenty here and your mum needs to get the hell away from him, speak up it sounds like he’s trying to isolate her so he’ll have her completely to himself. He’s already trying to control her. Who knows what he was doing in the house when he was alone there, I’d be checking that he hadn’t hidden anything to spy on her.

@AurumVox this is really hard for me to to read as we went through a very similar situation with my widowed DM.

so many similarities. The new boyfriend was breathtakingly rude to me and engaged in “banter” and jokes about my mum that were just not at all funny. He was an intensely vain and narcissistic man but we went a long with it for far too long

everytime I tried to raise it my mother would cry and say how lonely she’d been since dad died. It was awful. One of my sisters supported the relationship as she thought it was better for mum to be with someone, my brother just shut fhe guy out.

my Mums assets were all in a family trust, the new boyfriend was very wealthy so we didn’t have any money worrries but it was the emotional abuse that was horrible.

in retrospect I should have held my line pointing out his poor behaviour and I should have got my siblings, aunts and uncles and family friends all to speak up. We were all too scared of upsetting mum.

anyway, horrible vicious two year relationship followed where dm lost contact with friends and became very isolated. She finally realised how bad it was and ended the relationship. This was a terrifying time as I genuinely feared for her safety. My brother had to move in with her.

the saddest thing is that mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness a year after the relationship ended and passed away. I regret those lost years while she was this dreadful man. Please don’t stand by - if you can, do speak up OP

Absolutely do a Claire's Law application. Dors your mum have grandchildren? I would think about a Sarah's Law too. Also do a bit of Googling to see if there is anything out there.

I really hope your mum breaks up with him, he sounds like bad news.

Sometimes when you're in a relationship it's hard to see the bad things. I was in a similar relationship after my divorce - love bombing, constant phone calls, alienating me from my friends and family. He was a narcissist and I was in a controlling relationship. Not sure if I would have taken notice if anyone had told me this at the time. I was with him for a year and finally realised myself and it's only looking back that I can see how wrong it was. Do what you can though OP (maybe even show your mum this thread) but your mum may not want to hear it.

I agree with everyone else and for safety reasons I would change the lock box code, no way does he need access at anytime. I hope your mum gets rid of him quickly.

He needs to do that by himself and you and your mum can have a day together. Very strange behaviour that he expects your mum to go.

A good man would be encouraging your DM to spend as much time with you as possible and stepping back, not taking up your time with her. He could easily mourn the birthday of his late wife alone. Why on earth’s taking your DM is beyond me.

I agree with pp’s he sounds very and news and you need to have a blunt conversation with her (also ask her to change the code on her safe). give her a book on narcissistic and abusive traits and ask her to read it. As for him on the spectrum, that’s no excuse for his behaviour at all.

Your mum voiced immediate concerns about him. He has said himself he always fucks things up. Your mum was warned about him by other members of the group where she met him. There are lots of red flags. Taking your mum to his late wife's grave to mark her birthday is a very obvious ploy to keep the two of you apart. Most people in that situation wouldn't take their girlfriend. Do you think your mum's eyes and ears are still open about this man, or has she decided it's all autism-related?

I'd try 'mum I'd like us to spend a day together, just the two of us, before I leave. Does it make sense for boyfriend to go do his grieving alone and we can do something together? I don't feel like we've had much time'

There don’t seem to be any good points about this relationship. They aren’t compatible and he sounds potentially dangerous. Get the house passcode changed immediately. I would be blunt and help your mum end it. Does she feel she should to stick with it to make you happy, or to take care of him somehow? She sounds a great lady with an active, interesting life and will have plenty of opportunities to meet someone who deserves her.

I would let your mum read this thread and you and her have a good long chat .
He knows exactly what a rat he is and he is aware you are seeing him as a rat so keeping you and your mum as separate as possible whilst you are staying

Not to be disrespectful to either party but we had problems with my late father in law and his onset of Alzheimer’s after my mother in law died. Not to say that this at play here but normal judgement can be impacted by age and pain, physical and emotional. Do you think that the death of your stepdad may have affected her judgement? Or do you think she doesn’t think there will be another opportunity for happiness if she sends this guy packing? She sounds like a smart cookie, I don’t believe she doesn’t know he’s rude bordering offensive. Maybe your Mum’s just not ready to come to terms with it.

I think it’s the late wife’s birthday, so makes it all the more ick!

You need to talk to your mum. Be honest. Tell her you'll always be there for her even ic she stays with him. Maybe find some literature on coercive control, love bombing etc... and no offence but people who have been in abusive relationships are more likely to find themselves in one again. No one falls in love with an arsehole - they become them over time.

I can't add much to what has already been said by pp, but please don't go back early. Push for some mother/daughter time.

Maybe a conversation along the lines of 'wow mum, I can see now why you had concerns, I was wrong to encourage you to stick with him'. Remind her she didn't think he was a good match and agree with her.

You could maybe ask her how he makes her feel - is it closer to her relationship with your stepdad? Or her relationship with your father? It might help open her eyes a bit.

He sounds very much like my ex husband. The love bombing, the slight arguing, the weird responses in social situations. You can see I ignored red flags and married him anyway, despite seeing these and some falling outs with friends. My ex subsequently got himself diagnosed with autism, but it doesn’t excuse all bad behaviour and the deeper she gets into this the harder it will be to get out, especially if she feels guilty/ sorry for him.
The worst of it now for me is I see all this behaviour playing out with my adult children.
i would calmly sit her down and explain your concerns and I would absolutely show her a couple of articles on coercive behaviour which has started off as charming love bombing. Reassure her she will meet somebody else lovely: it’s not this man or nothing.

I would actually be very worried too. Have you a photo of him that you could do a reverse image search or considered doiing a Clares Law request? That may sound dramatic but you say your mum is very independent yet its very obviousn from what you said that she is being controlled. What is his financial position compared with your mum? Has your mum met any of his own friends or family? Does he have any social media? Do you know why his wife died and were they still married and for how long? Your mum sounds absolutely lovely and should have someone who treats her like the queen she is. Making excuses for him is her way of not feeling weak when he behaves badly. Please do all the research you can on this man and dont feel guilty about it. He sounds at the very least an unpleasant and controlling character at worst, could isolate you from her entirely. I'm very pleased that the rest of your family is meeting him too to help you with this.

I’ve got absolute chills reading this. You’ve hardly seen your mum while you’ve been staying. I find that odd. Do not under any circumstances go back early. In fact I’d probably stay longer to suss things out more.