Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

This! You need to stop being passive and get your mum out of this situation before it’s too late. From day one she said there were red flags and you for whatever reason encouraged her to look past them. Now you need to encourage her to walk away before she’s completely under his control.

Your mum is an adult who sounds like she can cope with life on her own and knows how to look after herself. You can tell her your concerns but you can't tell her what to do.

@AurumVox he sounds like he will eventually wear her confidence down and isolate her which is sad given she seems to have built a lovely life for herself.

How do you think your mum would react to suggesting changing the combination for the key safe? I think that needs doing. If she seems to be worried about he will react then that’s a huge red flag alone.

You’ve travelled 200 miles to visit her, and instead of telling him that she’ll be busy spending time with you for a few days, she’s gone of for the day to visit his dead wife’s grave?!

You’re being far too nice about this. Your mum trusts you to be honest with her & you’re not. Most of your OP was trying to justify that you don’t want to stop her having a relationship. You’re not a teenager - trust your own self that you can tell the difference between a healthy relationship & a controlling one. If your DM wants a man in her life, she can sure do better than this. She needs someone who isn’t dependent on her for all their emotional needs - it’s obviously too much for her.

Completely agree with @SuperTrooper14 and @Knackeredparquet

Tell her, you got it wrong and was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but you now agree with her initial concerns and what the people in this group warned you about.

But this is clear and manipulative thinking. He is not bettering himself, he is just actively covering bad behaviour. He is reacting in your mums words which is also manipulating everyone in the group.

Honestly, I would voice your fears to your mum. You obviously have explored your feelings and countered every argument put forward for your misgivings but your mum needs help here. My second husband was strikingly similar and so many friends and relatives, including my adult children told me afterwards that they saw red flags. I just wish someone had raised it with me beforehand.

This is good advice.

I would be direct with her. He is reeling her in with the cooking and the flowers. The key safe would really concern me in case he moves himself in. She is not standing up to him. You are staying and she hasn’t told him to give you both space for a few days. What else does she go along with? I would have a look on sites such as womens aid for relationship red flags/control and get her to read it. This man is used to getting his own way and probably doesn’t take no for an answer. If she ends it change the locks as he may have had a key cut.

Could you do a request for info via Claire's Law just to make sure she's safe? It all sounds a bit much in such a short space of time.

I've just read the update about the trams v buses and walks remarks. He sounds like a typical know-all older man who thinks no-one, and especially women, can know more than he does. I've met a few and they are infuriating. I hope your mum comes to realise that herself. Men are notoriously bad at living alone and often turn to the first woman who'll have them when they find themselves without a partner. Hopefully, your mum will be wary.

That is just so wierd, he's celebrating his late wife's birthday with your mum by taking her away from you for a long round trip.
When she gets back I'd say firmly that you want some mum and daughter time and send him off.
Tell your mum that you are pleased she's found someone she likes but you can't ignore the fact that some of his behaviour is very odd. And that she should perhaps try to slow things down whilst she establishes if this is the kind of relationship she really wants. Does she want to be checking his messages every time he sends them? Going to visit graves that have nothing to do with her? Seeing him cut across people she loves rudely?

I've just watched that YouTube video and it's so true (watching with hindsight as have been in that situation).

OP - he isn’t a nice man at all .

A few questions - have your siblings met him , and if so what are their opinions ?

He moved to your Mum’s area 3 years ago , presumably before his wife passed away .
So why is her grave such a long journey from where he now lives ?
Seems very odd .
How much does your Mum know about him ? - his family , his friends etc .

I would be Googling the hell out of him !

I think you have misunderstood why autistic people are like that, it's not that we're totally unaware, we can see that what we have said has pissed someone off! What we don't have is the built in ability to understand WHY what we said upset that person. Once it's explained we can understand and learn for it.

I was leaning towards NPD but if he can identify and correct fault in himself it's probably not that. Some autistic people can be very controlling and narcissistic, some also have personality disorders or are just arseholes!. A lot of women with autism used to get misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder (me included), his behaviour does sound a lot like BPD and how I used to start relationships before I decided to totally give up dating!

I think you need to tell your mum to put very firm boundaries in place and get her key back! (Change the code for the lockbox)

I’ve been in the same position OP - my dad meeting someone in his 70s after a long marriage to my mum. Like you, it threw up all kinds of strange emotions around another woman being in ‘my mum’s house’ but ultimately I really wanted my dad to be happy and if she was a good woman, I’d be fully on board. As it is, she is a great woman and from the outset, she was respectful of all our feelings but also tried to get to know us individually without ‘trying too hard’ if you know what I mean. They are now married and I am so pleased they found love with each other.

A person with no agenda will understand the complexities of blending families (even later in life) and will be looking to get to know you, not alienate you. This man sounds rude and controlling. 4 phone calls a day? Even in a ‘normal’ relationship this is way over the top. You mention your mum has a home in Crete. Are they equal in terms of financial means?

If some of her friends have warned her and you have concerns, absolutely talk it out with her. Remind her that you want her to be happy and to have a lovely relationship but it needs to be with a man who loves and supports her, not tries to diminish her.

6 months & he has access to her house?

Why?

Whose idea was it?

Going to see his wife's grave with him?

Why?

Because she won't can't say no?

Plus he has been rude to you & won't let you & your mum spend time together!

He is reeling her in with the cooking and the flowers.

Tbh I think that that would creep a lot of us out!

He will be proposing to her very soon, she’s passed all his tests

I think you need to talk to her.

What's odd is that your mum seems very self-sufficient- lots of friends, she's busy AND she has a holiday home in Crete? (Is that right?) Is she Greek?

I'm older than your Mum and trying to see this from the perspective of an older woman.

On balance, men seem to want to jump into new relationships far sooner when they're on their own and grab anyone available. (Not that your Mum isn't lovely, I'm sure.)

It does seem as if your Mum has some issues because she chose an abusive man to start with - your Dad- then had a good marriage, and is now back with another controlling and potentially abusive man.

I wonder if, deep down, she lacks confidence and gravitates to men who 'take control'? (But not in a good way.)

I think she's confusing love-bombing and control with 'desire and being wanted'.

The thing that stood out most for me was his calling her 4 times a day when she was in Crete. That's just bonkers and shows he's needy and maybe controlling.

She may not listen to you, because obviously something it attracting, her but she does need a wake up call.

Sounds like an old school man who thinks hes always right and women know nothing. The “constant banter” will wear your mum down in time.

ringing 4x a day? That would be very annoying

idk, does sound like theres a few red flags there

Don’t be complicit in the gaslighting of your own mum.
It sounds like she knows something is off and is looking for validation.
Be honest with her.

I agree with this.

Does she own her own home.
Does she own her property abroad
Has she written her will
who has power of attorney
does she have siblings, close friend, who can advise her on financial stuff
If she isn’t going to marry him and has all the financials sewn up then fine -if not this man has a big incentive to be in her life.

My BFF is 64 so not an unsimilar age to your mum OP.
She met a chap 18 months ago and she gave up her house to move in with him.
He turns out to have love bombed her, used her for cash and childcare (he has a teenager). He's also a fascist so one of her daughters won't speak to her. He kept it well hidden. However I've only seen her spasmotically as she's 'not allowed' to see her friends only his family or her mum. Thankfully she is moving on next month.
There are lots of these guys out there and even mature, intelligent ladies get swept up. My friend doesn't want to be lonely.
Visiting a grave is just creepy.
Speak frankly to your mum. Say he's rude and controlling and she's worth better. You want better for her.
I worry your mum will be the infamous MN nurse with a purse.