Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

I am older and would definitely get finances sewn up (in favour of DCs) if I thought I was going to predecease DH. Not that he doesn’t care for me but as we are well off there is an incentive for a new love of his life to appear on the scene if I’m gone.
DM should get things tied up but v difficult for you to tell her that, someone else needs to.

Wanted to come back and add as this really is common, even just reading others comments! But him having her check his messages to "help" him and make sure he's not coming across rude, is classic "I need you" behaviour. He will make her feel so needed and wanted, even that he doesnt deserve her so he just wants to be with her and talk to her whenever he can. Its textbook, I really think you need to sit down with your mum and talk about things.

The "banter" and putting her down or implying she's less intelligent or wrong is also classic textbook, I see it with an in law in a similar relationship after later life divorce. Chip chip chipping away til it's normal.

Over the years I’ve noticed that the men who compete for their partner’s time and attention when she has visitors have always been bad eggs.

There’s always a really compelling reason why they need her right now. Always. When I was younger, being a decent and compassionate person, I would have thought that of course he’s going to need support visiting his wife’s grave.

And of course, it’s hard to know if it’s genuine or I’m just a tired old cynic.

But the keepers have always been the guys that encourage their partners to spend time with old friends and family. Sometimes they’re the ones you don’t get to know that well because they’ve taken the kids off to give her a break, or organised their own friends meet up.

My dh easily rings me 4 times a day but if I say I’m with someone he rushes off the phone. He’s not threatened by the competition.

I have a very high tolerance for social awkwardness. Someone can be a bit abrasive or not follow social conventions, and it’s not a huge problem to cut them some slack. But sometimes there’s a flash of personally directed dislike/contempt - there and gone. But it’s so hard to pin down because when you try and describe what happened you can just sound a bit intolerant. I’ve definitely seen that over the years with a fair few men who were not the princes their partners thought they were.

It’s so tricky to navigate because you run the risk of playing into their hands if your friend/mother falls out with you, because their goal is isolation.

He sounds like he has been in a long relationship with a brow beaten wife who replies “yes dear” to all of his opinions and demands and is looking for a replacement, but thinks love bombing will seal the deal initially - and then normal service can resume.

I can’t stand people making excuses for old people’s curmudgeonly behaviour, the whole “set in his ways” BS.

There’s a reason why your senses are tingling and people have warned your mum off. Her grief and loneliness will be easier to copy with and resolve than having this guy parked in her life isolating her from friends and family.

Keep fighting your mum’s corner @AurumVox you sound like a lovely daughter - and right on the money xx

The visiting his wife's grave is understandable and new partners can't erase the past. But asking your Mum to go with him on a 3 hour strip (6 in total?) is too much.

He sounds incredibly needy.

Does he have adult children?/

Just picking up on the fact she 'died from scoliosis.'
Scoliosis (misaligned spine) is not a cause of death. It can cause pain and sometimes disability, but in itself it won't cause death.

I’d have to remind her that you’ve driven 200 miles to see her and taken time off work. And shre not there. That alone would concern me, is he pressuring her to spend time with him instead?

Why has he got the code to her key safe?!?!

They’ve only been together 6 months.

It sounds like your mum is an intelligent, capable woman. why in earth has she done this?

Tell her she is acting out of character.

Also, ask her outright for a full day together while you are there. Without him. I bet she’s scared to ask him and makes excuses. She should be able to do this and if she can’t ask her why not?

I agree with posters who say you need to be more blunt. This is no time for a softly softly approach. He is moving too fast and too forcefully.

Was your visit a bit of a surprise or has it been planned etc? Surely she would have known you were visiting and told him she’d have to miss the grave visiting trip and all the other days out and activities he’s been organising. Doesn’t sound good at all.

My dh easily rings me 4 times a day but if I say I’m with someone he rushes off the phone. He’s not threatened by the competition.

Why does he need to call you 4 x a day @Blobbitymacblob if you live together?

Unless there are pressing reasons that sounds excessive.

Can I just suggest you be really strong....firstly sit her down and say ....Mum ...I've been VERY worried about the dynamics of your new relationship...so ...I posted on mumsnet to see if I could get other unknown people opinions.....and let her read all our responses....we all have offered different views.....as your mum ...from your original post is a competent woman...with lots of life experience....I reckon she will see those Red Flags x and hopefully start to put in boundaries....if she still wants to continue with the relationship...I would always listen to my own Adult children ....and we have given some brilliant advice on the post.

Mahoosive red flags! He sounds very controlling. Don't be surprised further down the line if he stops her from seeing you. Also she should also sort out a will that benefits her own children not the red flagger.

What’s the situation finances wise? Does he see your mum with a holiday home in Crete as a bit of a financial catch?

One of the biggest problems in these sorts of situations is that we tend to talk about abuse in terms of victims and perpetrators, but women like your dm don’t see themselves as weak. They know they are strong, capable and independent. They usually see their man as weak, suffering, struggling.

She already knows everything you could possibly tell her - she’s told you that her friends have told her! She isn’t blind to his faults. So if you point them out, you’re just driving them closer because it reinforces this narrative theme that of all the people in all the world, only she….only he….no one else can fathom the special bond….no one else would tolerate him so she’d be throwing him to the wolves…..etc.

And then add in the complication of grief - it might be far, far harder for her to move on from your stepdad into a new loving relationship because that would be leaving him behind. Being with someone a bit difficult and prickly, who “banters” and is rude, might be how she’s protecting her heart.

Another thought.
in of itself, this taking her away for a 3 hour trip to visit his wife’s grave, feels big.
They’ve only been together 6 months and it’s like it somehow is a “next step” in how serious their relationship is.

Doing this while her daughter is visiting (who she doesn’t get to see often), is like a test of “who is more important”. It’s like a test. He’s really upping the ante.

Was this already planned for a long time before you came up? Or , as I suspect, it is an idea that has come to him very recently, perhaps since he learned you were visiting?

I think time is of the essence here.
I don’t know how you do this without the risk of her thinking you’re petty, but I think you need to point this all of the above to do with this trip out to her, let her know that you don’t mind her going , but ask her to think about who is more important (right now, during your visit).

He's already controlling her from what you've described. So getting her to see your concerns isn't going to be easy, and for that reason alone I'd talk to a professional about it before you start to raise your concerns to her. This may not be a simple fix, and he sounds incredibly intense.

His controlling behaviour could be neediness. He can't bear being on his own.

Maybe he behaved this way with his late wife- taking control. Maybe she liked that.

It can be hard to adapt to a new relationship and change your behaviour in your 70s. Your Mum isn't his late wife. But he'll be behaving as he always did.

He's hardly been on his own for 2 minutes (18 months after a long marriage and being in your 70s is nothing.)

Whatever the reasons, it's all too much too soon.

He may be autistic, but he is also abusive.

I think it just means he finds it harder to hide his abusive ways- it’s why he’s so bad already.

There is a whole thread on MN for women who are in relationships with autistic men. Many describe years of having to shape their whole lives around a person who has unreasonable demands, lacks empathy and shows no love and affection.

she needs to look at whether she wants to spend her final years happy or miserable.

A 'professional'- a counsellor? They don't give advice and they certainly won't take sides and tell the OP what to do or not do.

I totally agree with this . It would be different if his wife had known OP's mum but that's not the case. Also , not when OP is visiting .

You sound lovely and I think you should speak to your mum.

please could I ask about their finances. You mentioned your mum’s place in Crete. Does your mum have more? I’m sorry to bring this into it but I feel it does matter.

my step mil married my lovely fil who was 20 years older. There were red flags from the minute they met. When he sadly died she was abominable. Bringing her new boyfriend to the family home to stay
over within 12 weeks.

please say something x

I can’t believe he was so rude to you, especially as he’d only just met you!
Oh and why on earth is he whisking your mum off on a road trip to his deceased wife’s grave when you’ve come down to visit her?! That’s awful!
You really need to find some time to talk to your mum because this doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy relationship at all.

This! Your mum needs to read this thread- so much good advice on here.

I would suggest to your mum to do a little test for herself if she can’t see it- something like distancing herself for a couple of days making herself busy with something and see how he reacts, so she can see for herself.

Agree with pp that you need to see more of his behaviour so you can build the case against him!

good to hear there is a family do coming up so other will see what he is like but wonder if he’d be on his best behaviour??

Hmmm...I think many widows and widowers would be happy to visit the late spouses' grave. You can't erase the past. And you're being supportive.

I know a couple where the woman moved into the widower's home (they married) and there were always photos of his late wife around.

BUT the issue here is the timing- when OP is visiting and the distance - 3 hours each way?

@AurumVox he is a wedge driving, misogynistic rude prick looking for a nurse with a purse.

You must do everything you possibly can to deter your mother from continuing this relationship. You are seeing a tiny end of a massive hidden wedge and the love bombing will be leading to a romantic marriage proposal and that would be a tragedy for all.

The fact that she has been warned off him is a red flag the size of Europe.