Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

I think this is a great real point.
Rude men like this successfully alienate others socially.
It happens so easily.
He is rude, ignorant and unpredictable.
So easy for people to think lets not invite them, too much like hard work.

Also completely understandable.
Who wants to be socialising with Mr rude unpredictable?

Life is too short.
I have seen it several times in my own life.
Lovely women with utterly rude bombastic pricks.
No thanks, life is short and time precious.

If your mother has dealt with this before, does she really want it again at this stage...with her own children, among others?

Because if she did marry him and move him in, with the best will in the world it likely would mean you would visit less.

I will try to see if I can get anymore info on who attends the group perhaps and their views. I need to be careful not to cross the line with her myself though as she would see this as me interfering and making things worse.

Does she go to U3A?
You mentioned coffee meetings and other events.
Sounds like she's their demography and the boyfriend too!

What concerns me is that you said (I think) that your Dad (her first husband) was abusive.

Maybe she has something in her personality that (even after decades) means she is attracted to supposedly' strong men' who are actually domineering and controlling?

I think you're right to think as you do, but be aware as you are that this is a role reversal scenario.

Parents warn their kids off unsuitable matches- now you're taking on that role.
The risk is it will propel them together in a show of defiance.

I suspect he might appear to go along with the not-being-invited to uncle's do, but then appear at it at the last moment. The DM does need to set the boundaries firmly now, or he will push against this and ruin the occasion, probably resulting in isolating her more from family.

Well, he’s started ‘winning’ hasn’t he ? He’s been such an arse she’s not going to a family event.

First wedge was being rude to you, second one was taking her away to visit his late wife’s grave in the time she and you should have been together, third wedge was crying that he was upset so she went to see him instead of spending time with you. This is the fourth wedge between her and her family that we know of.

Pleased to hear your sister in on the case but he’s already got the advantage.

Yes - he will pull a stunt at the last minute - sudden illness needs to go to A&E etc to stop her going - or he will pester the life out of her there - fake something to call her back early - or he manipulates her so she agrees to only go for one of the 3 days.

Flag this up to her so she is ready for the nonsense.

My immediate thought too.

Undoubtedly a health emergency or some such crisis that he needs her.

Definitely needs to be flagged.
It worked so well the other day when he interrupted OP'S visit.

Her mother runs to him and they never even end up discussing it.

He's a manipulative toad.

Apologies, I read it that OP's Mum had decided not to go as opposed to just uninviting him.

I agree he might just have a disaster which means he calls on her for help and prevents OH's Mum going.

Time will tell.

I’d wager money on your mum not going to the uncle’s birthday party.

@NewMoonToday you’re totally right, this is role reversal and that’s what it feels like which I know isn’t how it should be. I need to pull back now. She knows my feelings and concerns and I think from what my sister said this evening when she spoke to her, mum feels as though we don’t trust her judgement or that she’s capable of making her own decisions which isn’t how I wanted her to feel at all. I think I’m just so desperate for her not to end up in this kind of relationship with a man like that, that I’ve probably gone too far. We’ve got a day planned together tomorrow so hopefully that’ll will help fix some of it our side.

I’m afraid there is nothing more you can do, you’ve told her how you feel. I think your mum uninviting him to uncles birthday is good, she knows he will get argumentative.
You have to step back now, I know you feel despondent but you being at your mums has pushed his buttons, he’s become more clingy and argumentative. Once you’re home and mum stops feeling so defensive, your words will filter through and she will start to see through him. Please don’t ask the lady’s in the group to spill the beans, it could get back to them. If his behaviour has worsened, he can triumphantly claim it was justified as he knew you didn’t like him. Xx

I don’t think you’ve gone too far at all - I think maybe your mum’s reaction is defensive. From what you’ve said, she does seem aware that there are issues with this man, and it could be that she feels embarrassed about being taken in, but she’s not yet at the stage where she feels able to admit this. So she could be lashing out a bit because she’s angry at herself but it’s easier to vent at you.
I hope you can enjoy what’s left of your time with her this week. The important thing is she knows you’re there for her when it all comes to a head.

Massive red flags ... do what you can to warn her ff him ...
a) he's a controlling arseh*le
b) he probably wants someone just to look after him. I'm a man and I really hate men like this :-)

I think @JemimaTab has it completely right.
Your mum wouldn’t tell you what the argument was about, she knows if she told you, it would paint him in a bad light and she’s not ready to admit it. I think when she went to see him, he made it very hard for her to leave, guilt and manipulation to keep her at his. She wouldn’t have uninvited him to uncles birthday unless she felt he would spoil the party. She told him she wanted to be free to talk to everyone at the group and he has now upset people there. She said she wanted to spend 3 days with you and he’s deliberately caused a fuss to gain her attention and get her to his. You being at mum’s has ramped up his manipulation. Xx

Sorry OP, I’m another one who thought this.

He found a way to disrupt you spending three days with your DM, I don’t think for a second he’ll be happy about her attending such a big event without him.

He’s either going to manipulate her into inviting him or pull some stunt so she doesn’t go/has to cut it short.

This is so hard on you but it sounds like you’re handling this as well as possible between you and your sister 💐

If your uncle just wants time with his family then should your Mum ever have invited her partner at all?

In theory she doesn't have to be any more accommodating than she wants to be, especially at the expense of others.

So why does she want to run about to his demands?

That's what would worry me!

I would do as your mum asks, trust her, she’s been in an abusive relationship before and ended it.
You’ve warned her! Your sister will keep a closer eye on her too.
She has told him she wants space in the group, changed the key lock and has uninvited him to her brother’s birthday. That’s big progress.
He won’t take kindly to being told to back off and she will see him for what he is.
Your mum likes to make her own mind up, she won’t be pushed. Trust her xx

He's already caused upset at the group, from what your mum said, he’s probably told her he won’t be going back, but if she goes he will too and once he goes off on one there, she will be upset at him and feels anyone close bad for her friends.
He knows you don’t like him and feels anyone close to mum is a threat so will be pissed off being uninvited to party.
I don’t think he can contain his anger, I bet in the next few weeks he will gnashing his teeth when you/sister/uncle are mentioned until he starts putting you all down.
When you leave to go home, look mum deep in her eyes and say ‘I trust you, I’m sorry I’ve been over protective, it’s because I love you and want the best for you!’

If it's role reversal, I'd say what parents are supposed to say to their children!

Which is...

'Look, I've made my feelings clear on him. I have serious doubts about his behaviour - as we all do- because we love you.
But you make your own choices. We'll be here for you if it all goes belly up.'

Hard as it is, she's an adult. If she gets hurt, it will not be for the sake of you warning her. Maybe she has to go down that path to see the truth.

The only other caution which you may have mentioned is perhaps look into Power of Attorney (maybe it's set up now?) in case there is anything ahead where he would make decisions and not you and your sister.

I wish nothing but peace for you and your mum @AurumVox !

"apparently they moved from the southeast to the southwest simply because they liked the look of the area and wanted a change. When they moved here his late wife wanted to move back as it wasn’t as they expected but he wouldn’t move again, unsure if this was possibly due to finances. They left friends and family, her daughter (his step daughter) too. Sadly his wife passed about 18 months after moving, so she has a memorial stone etc back where they are from I assume for the daughter family. The step daughter apparently hasn’t had hardly any contact with him since either."

OP, he is seriously bad news. The info above is the most worrying. He separated his previous wife from her daughter and friends. Would not let her move back ... and then she died. Could you find that daughter and talk to her?

@AurumVoxhow are things now with your mum? Hope all is well x

@homeismyhaventhanks for asking how things are going. Mum is still seeing him however after I left it was quite up and down. Mum said she’d told him how his behaviour was bordering on obsessive which apparently ‘upset’ him quite a bit, he turned up at the house crying etc. Mum says she was able to set boundaries and told him she didn’t want him turning up uninvited or being at the house whilst she wasn’t there, she has since changed the key safe code as well.
We talk regularly and I always ask, she seems very open about it which is good as I was concerned she’d stop talking to me about how things were really going.
Mums seeing her friends multiple times a week, says she has 3-4 days a week to herself so she seems to be a lot less stressed and exhausted too.
It’s my uncles birthday trip next week and he’s aware he’s not invited which apparently he was fine with.
So…as it stands, she says he’s taken on board everything but that she’ll see how it plays out.
Im obviously not over the moon that she’s still with him but I do feel better that she’s set the ground rules and if what she’s saying is true that he’s listening then that would be great - obviously I’m not there. I plan to visit again very soon though so I think I’ll get a better sense then. In the meantime my sister has seen mum regularly too…so fingers crossed. Thanks again for asking, hope you’re good too xx

Thats a fantastic outcome @AurumVox. The 'upset' and crying are also red flags and I hope you DM appreciates that these are an effort to manipulate her. But it didnt work and it seems he to have respected her boundaries - for now.

I am glad he isnt going to your DM family event and that she is back seeing her friends without him. I would warn her that he might invent a 'crisis' to prevent or interupt her trip.

I would keep investigating him - try to find our from her friends what he did etc. Also make sure you are in his company when you visit again - so you can see whats going on (although he is likely to be on his best behaviour). Would also track down the step daughter and make contact to see if she has any concerns.

But overall - youve done a great job and your DM has taken it all on board.

Wow, your mum has really laid down her boundaries with him! I think your visit helped her, you were pointing out, she was losing herself in order to keep him happy. She wasn’t too happy to hear the truth but I think deep down, your words aligned with the doubts that she was trying to ignore.
If he is as bad as he sounds, your mum is savvy enough to see it now, if he pushes her and try to trample over her boundaries, I do think she would put him in his place and if he goes too far, end it.
You have to be careful not to react towards him, if you do see him and he plays up, just put your hands up, like your surrendering and walk away. You can just say ‘well on that note, I think it’s best to bow out of this conversation and leave’, you either leave room or if you’re out with them go back to your mum’s house, you don’t retort in anger and just say your goodbyes to mum. That way you’ve pointed out his words or behaviour isn’t acceptable to you and you leave the tension behind, for them to talk through, you can’t be blamed for reacting negatively to him or for him to blame you!