Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

See, mum actually thinks he is on the spectrum and that’s how she is excusing his behaviour. I didn’t want to put that as I absolutely agree that being autistic does not make or excuse those behaviours. But this is exactly what she has been putting it down to.
On the flip side he is telling her he recognises that he ‘f things up’ all the time, that he’s trying really hard and running things past her before he writes in the group WhatsApp messages to the group they met in etc, which also just doesn’t add up. He’s obviously aware and has some control over it.

@AurumVox I wonder if he is being deliberately rude to cause a wedge between you and your mum? To try to isolate her from friends and family?

Google him just incase he’s been reported on the news

The fact that he’s taking her on an unnecessary six hour roundtrip relating to his previous relationship while you’re visiting is also horrendous. The fact she’s going along with it shows that she’s likely quite a way along the path of his control.

You might consider:

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clare's_Law

This is all textbook narcissistic abuse. You need to get your mum to sign her assets over to you because he’ll fleece her

This is probably him on his best behaviour so it can only get worse.

Ask after her friends, when did she last see Anne and Sue etc. She's probably missing them so it will hopefully prompt her to meet up with them. No doubt they'll back up your opinion.
Sow a seed such as... I don't know how someone as independent/fun-loving/vivacious/lovely as you can put up with someone so clingy/grumpy/dull/rude etc.

Your mom has had people she doesn't know well warn her off this guy. There's no reason you should be more worried to speak to her about this than they were. The fact she's admitted to this, and that she finds him overbearing herself, makes it sound like she may be open to questioning the relationship.

Make it clear you want her to be happy and that you initially were very happy she found romance again.

This is strangely a dynamic I seem to come across/read about frequently in a relationship after loss/divorce in later life. I know a few women in similar circumstances with men best described as awkward, at worst as downright rude. Love bombing and sort of jealously hording the attention of their partner for want of a better word, is a common theme.

I'd have a chat with your mum, its hard as at 70 + she may feel she has little time to find someone else and would stay in a less than ideal relationship :(

@AurumVox

I'm seconding what all the others are saying, this man is bad news. He's possessive, argumentative, and rude.

I think as part of your talk with her about him you should be sure (if you don't already know) that her finances are 'locked down tight', that he knows nothing about them, has never asked about them, and that he has never even 'used her card to pick up a few things' at the market.

Also, the key safe code should be changed tomorrow and him not told. His reaction to that the next time he wants to 'surprise her' should tell her a lot!

Listen, I totally get your beginning enthusiasm at the start of this 'friendship'. I was also enthusiastic when my mum started up a friendship with a widower a few years after Dad died. Things seemed to be progressing nicely when it became apparent that this man was is failing health and that his daughter was trying to push the relationship in order to be able to shift the burden of his increasing care needs onto Mum. Luckily mum picked up on it and put a large flea in her ear! Different circumstances sure, but you and I both wanted our mums to be happy and have a good companion in their later years. We were wrong in the end, but our intentions were good.

I agree with the other posters. He doesn't seem like someone who is good for your mum.

It is important to focus on how this relationship is actually impacting your mother. From what you suggest, she is overwhelmed by it as he is so intense, she is exhausted as he dominates her time, she is excusing his behaviours so knows that they are not right, she is beginning to be isolated from family as she is not spending time with you even though you have come to visit and won't be there long. These are all negative changes that are not too different to how victims of abuse might feel. This is different to the way you formerly described her as independent, social etc.

I would definitely speak to her. She may not be familiar with love bombing and may really want companionship but this guy does seem like he is changing who she is in a negative way - I am surprised she couldn't say no to his 6 hour round trip to visit his wife's grave. It's not a romantic trip at all and I would be wondering if he is trying to keep you away from her.

I wouldn't be shortening your visit OP. If anything, I would stay as long as I needed to find out more about him and to gently speak to your mother about your concerns. If there is a sibling or friend nearby to check in regularly with your mother when you eventually do go back, that might be helpful.

I'd find that dynamic really worrying. The fact that multiple people have found him rude, controlling, or just odd is significant and imo that means it's not just you overreacting or finding it difficult to see her with someone other than your dad.

I'd definitely encourage her to take everyone's concerns to heart and at least step back slightly from the relationship. If it would be easier for her to add a little distance by taking a holiday to visit you, a family member, or a friend, I'd suggest that. She owes it to herself to take things a little more slowly so she can make the right decision for her, not be rushed into a more serious, committed relationship just because this man is pushy and wants things to progress quickly.

Implore your mother to take it more slowly.
No moving in, no eloping and no keys to any safes, doors or password sharing.
Ask her to keep a secret diary of his behaviour.

I actually think that you should ask her not to go on the dead wife grave trip. Ask her to spend some time with you instead.

If she agrees try and have a nice day out somewhere and explain everything you’ve told us here that makes you worried.

If she insists on going out with him for the day then you’ll have to do it tonight.

I know it’s hard working and living so far away but if you can I think you need to up your physical presence in her life to be there for her and to counteract him and his controlling nature.

I would be spending as much time WITH him (and your mum)as possible.
Have your responses to his rudeness ready. Perhaps if she witnesses you standing up to him and his arrogance she may come to her senses.

So within 6 months your DM has already given him a key so he can access her home - bad move! That alone would give me cause to warn her in the most stark terms that she hardly knows him, yet he has access to her property. Big security risk, right there. Next thing you find out he's coercing her to change her will... stranger things have happened, and quite frankly he's a stranger to her after only 6 months.

his behaviour - wanting to isolate her from family and friends, controlling what she says and the fact he is so self-opinionated, is another warning sign he's a baddun. Your DM is an adult, but seems to have poor judgement on this one. If it was my mum I would have to point all these things out, just the once, then leave her to make her own choices, as she's an adult.

I was in a very similar situation unfortunately. I really wanted my DF to be happy and was relieved when he started dating again as it took the pressure off me.
However she was awful. So rude and I couldn't even see my DF without her being there. But she would ignore me. She would expect my dad to drive her everywhere and buy her everything. She wanted to move in after 6 months. He was exhausted from the stress of it all.
I ended up telling him how I felt and how rude she was.etc, but he didn't listen. He just could not see that she was love bombing him.
Fortunately a few months later they broke up after she was really rude to him, and something finally clicked. He has met somebody else now who is lovely.

I think you have to tell your mum what you are thinking. She might decide not to act on it, but hopefully will recognise that his behaviour is not right and she will eventually see him for what he is.

No, I don’t think you are over-thinking this. 4 x times a day phone calls - is he checking up on her?!! Way way too much. And the correcting he does concerning her, - a huge red flag. Letting himself into her house whilst she’s not there, umm no, I don’t think so, it gives him the possibility or opportunity of snooping. He does sound from what you say ‘intense’. His rudeness is another unpleasant side altogether.

A difficult situation as you say your Mum is happy. She sounds really on to it, I think she may well see him through new eyes after his rudeness toward you.

Your mum going out for the day with him when you are down is odd. Ask her to stay with you.
Your mum didn't know thenwofe so has nothing invested in going woth him. She does however have a lot invested in her relationship with you. You should be her priority. Show her this thread. He is isolating her.
Help her with strategies for ending it. Talk to her put the practical steps she cann take too.
Does she have any close friends locally that can help her too?

@AcrossthePond55I was going to write a similar reply about changing the safe code and seeing how he responds. @AurumVox do you know the back story behind her giving him the code? For me that is incredibly concerning. As others have suggested maybe go on this day trip with your mum? Good luck!

Could be a tactic to get DM away from OP, but very weird. Am wondering why DM is going along with it if it means another day of OP's visit is missed by her. Seems very strange. Is she already being controlled by him? Do find a way to have that face-to-face chat with her - on her own obviously.🍀

She's choosing to go with him on a day trip to his late wife's grave while you're visiting instead of staying home with you?
I am afraid this relationship has already tipped into abusive. Why would she do that if not being coerced in some way, via emotional manipulation?
I also think you were wrong to talk her out of her instincts at the start. She was telling you he was a red flag and you told her to give him another chance!

Whose birthday? Your mother’s or this man’s dead wife?

It’s highly inappropriate that your mother leave with him on this day. You are visiting your mother and he keeps taking her away or burdening you with his presence.

Why don’t you tell your mother that this isn’t healthy?

Why are you both being such doormats about this? So much hand wringing - yes he's a controlling knob. What now?

Change the key safe code immediately. Talk your mum out of the trip to the ex wife's grave, that's so inappropriate. He should go alone and you and mum spend quality time together. His response to that will also show you who he is.

That’s so strange, why would he want to take your mum there on that specific day especially as he knows you’re there visiting your mum?
Your mum doesn’t have to go with him, she can say no to him and spend the day with you or is she too scared to say no to him?

Massive red flags. I think he was rude to you because he's jealous, and wants to keep your mum to himself. This will gradually erode all her other relationships. Change the key safe code, please. As for the wife's grave trip - no, just no. None of this sounds healthy and isn't going in a good direction.