Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

He sounds like he's trying to minimise the time your mum spends with you. That's very very controlling.

Have you thought of challenging him in front of your Mother? so that she can see what it sounds like when he speaks to you that way. It sounded from your post as if he was near to losing his temper.

What good points does your DM see in him. Can you get her to see you at your place, without him and spend some proper time together?

@S0j0urn4r No sorry, I meant it’s his late wife’s birthday so he’s taking mum to her grave - still just as odd though.

I hope he means his late wife’s birthday but still…..

@AurumVox
Jeez. Is he going to introduce them?

I would also suggest to your mum to think about what her ideal relationship looks like. If she doesn’t want to be called multiple times a day or see him alllllll the bloody time, you can support her to put boundaries in and see how he reacts. ‘Mum, don’t you think that if he really cares for you he would want you to spend some time with your daughter? I would really like to spend some time with you without him while I’m here and I think it’s a really bad sign if he’s not comfortable about that. I don’t really think you need go visit his wife’s grave, and I think you should tell him you’re a bit uncomfortable with that, but how about you make the day after that just us?m

I don't think you're being bratty at all and it does sound concerning. I'd perhaps just ask her what she thinks about him saying/doing some of the things that concern you, to give her an opportunity if she wants to talk about it, but not push the conversation. It's probably better to avoid your mum feeling conflicting loyalties at this stage, so you keep communication open. Do you have siblings you could get a second opinion from?

I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc. Why did you do this OP? Not trying to blame you but if he's calling your DM multiple times a day, is very intense and your DM was telling you this, why advise her to see things from his perspective?
What you should do now is everything in your power to see your mum on her own before you go home, this isn't a healthy relationship and you have to find out how she is feeling.

I agree with this. It was the first thing that jumped out to me from your initial post. For some reason, you were encouraging your mother to overlook her instincts in order to give a man a chance. It's never a good idea to do this.

In your place, I would be inclined to be far blunter then several previous posters have suggested. Just sit her down and list the red flags and tell her she's worth more than this. You can still say all the supportive daughterly things. But it sounds as though someone needs to get through to her, and you are the best placed to do it. Even if you have to acknowledge to her that you were mistaken to encourage her to keep going with a relationship about which she was already having doubts.

I suspect you are the person best placed to get through to her. And don't be shy to point out how weird and rude it is of her and her boyfriend to be cutting you out while you are there specifically to spend time with her and have taken time off work to do so. That one is very much on her as well as on him and may point to the fact she's already having her sense of proportion and right and wrong warped by his demands.

No I know you’re not. This was before I knew about the calling her 4 times a day as I only saw that when she came up to stay with me about 3 weeks ago.
The original bit was back around March time and around him being upset that she didn’t want to see him for a couple of days so I said to her it may be because he’s used to having spent all his time with his late wife so maybe he doesn’t understand about the space thing, so I’d said to talk to him and explain she needs her space and maybe to both meet in the middle. I do regret it now, fully.

This in spades.

I know, you’re totally right. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to talk to her tomorrow evening.

He doesn’t sound great. I would definitely try to have a conversation with her about it and see how she’s feeling. She might welcome the opportunity to open up and talk to you. Hopefully you can work the conversation around to whether or not she is happy or where she sees the future going with him (nowhere, ideally).

Though in the examples you gave, if you literally said “Well, actually” to him that is pretty rude. And I wouldn’t engage in an argument with a person I’d just met about public transportation, especially if it was a family member’s partner. It’s a silly, pointless thing to have a debate about. Next time you have to be around him I’d practice my blandest “Oh, really?” to hit him with whenever he witters on about something like that. That will at least help you tolerate him for the time being.

Trust your gut.
My Mum met somebody under unusual circumstances and I immediately questioned the whole situation (think power imbalance/vulnerable Mum).
He love bombed the shit out of her. Flowers, perfume, all sorts of gifts within the first few weeks.
I convinced myself I was just putting my own trust issues onto their relationship.
But she never went anywhere without him. Our daily hangouts would turn into “I’m just popping in” and he would ring 3-4 times in the half an hour she was at mine. It then turned into he was always with her.

Fast forward 5 years, he crushed her beyond repair, she died 2 months ago.
He’s moving on to his next victim. Can the Police do anything? Nope.
I will never doubt my instincts again.

And change the door code.

He sounds dangerous op. Sorry. Controlling and not afraid to be openly rude to you in front of her.

So many things make this man not OK, but the stand out for me was warnings about this man given by some members of the group where OP's mum met him.
They are relative strangers yet still felt strongly enough about this.

Obviously they could all be some Rosemary's Baby coven but given the man's behaviour they're on the money.

I meant to add to my post that it's really nice you have such a positive and supportive attitude to your mother finding someone else. It's never easy to see a parent moving on, but it seems as though you're really putting her first. Fingers crossed that you manage to get through to her and the next person she meets is someone who enhances both of your lives.

You don’t even need to trust your gut here- there’s enough objectively bad behaviour to say that this man is a nasty and controlling abuser. Even one or two of the behaviours you have listed would be enough for alarm bells, but there’s loads:
love bombing
intensity
excessive calls
going into a mood if she doesn’t spend all her time with him.
alienating from family ( it’s not a coincidence you haven’t see her much)
rudeness to family.
warning from friends

Don’t waste time with subtle hints- you need to tell your mum straight. You say she’s sensible and switched on- it may take a while, but she’ll
realise this is wrong. Tell her you are very worried about her.

look up some domestic abuse websites and get her to read a list of red flags- there’s probably behaviour that she has experienced that you haven’t seen yet.

Oh yes, ‘not afraid to be openly rude to you’…

I haven’t seen anyone say it here yet, but it occurs to me that he is extremely confident with his coercive ways.

I say extremely confident because any man with intelligence would have realised that meeting you (and getting along with you) could be critical to his future with your mum.

To be at all pushy and unpleasant towards you is very very stupid in the circumstances.

Play her this short video about the signs of a controlling partner. It's very succinct & only a couple of minutes long. He's hitting every item, point by point.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=zDS5BumQE9c&pp=ygUdY29udHJvbGxpbmcgbWVuIHdhcm5pbmcgc2lnbnM%3D

That you haven't been able to spend time with your mother, and she is exhausted is very bad news OP. He might already trying to isolate her from her own daughter and it seems he is succeeding since you are considering going back early. He's already wearing her down, being rude to you, annoying the friendship group, he seems very practised at this. How soon until your mother stops attending the group?

Why is your mother allowing him to eat into your time together? Are these things that have been arranged since before you planned to stay with your mother or are they more recent? Your mother seems quite passive in this relationship already hes calling all the shots.

Don't leave early because once you leave he might take the opportunity to work on ways to stop your mother having contact with you and she could slowly fade from your life. He could take every opportunity to make your mother see that you are against him and your mother seems too exhausted already to disagree.

I really don’t like the sound of this.
Do what you can to get your mother to break it off but I would be careful how he reacts to that.

He sounds absolutely awful - really bad news. You and your mum sound very kind and accommodating which makes you both vulnerable to horrible domineering men.

Before long, someone will be along to suggest this person is autistic. I can’t stress enough this is not the explanation. There is no overlap between autism and being a horrible, domineering person. And this dude sounds suffocating, domineering and a social disaster.

He sounds dangerous. He’s dominating her time, isolating her from family and friends and has access to her house. I doubt this is his first rodeo.

I agree and the fact that he was a carer for his wife could be where he learned this from. I'm a carer for a relative, have been for others too, and it can be a really fine line between care and control.Most carers are fine and not controlling but a rare few come to like the power over another person and use it to maniplate someone into anything they want. He sounds used to this and has his techniques down pat.