To take separate holidays from now on

[Copenhagener]

I’ve always travelled a lot - sometimes with my partner and also solo. We prefer busy itineraries and lots of sightseeing rather than chilling out at the pool.

We now have a 6 month old daughter. Just took her on her first trip to Puglia in Italy with my partner and it’s been underwhelming. His choice of destination.

Our daughter has been great, sleeping through the night and excited by the surroundings which was a pleasant surprise - but the itinerary was too full on (4 hotels, driving every day to new spots, meals out) and he’s quite annoyed by how unrelaxing it is.

There’s the 1-5pm siesta, which doesn’t help with flexibility. He’s now saying he’s sick and grumpy and tired and just wants to chill. I’ve cancelled the last hotel so we can stay in place, but I feel his expectations were unrealistic. I also offered him the chance to fly home early but he didn’t want to.

I’ve told him that in future I’d prefer we holiday separately (at least until daughter is older) as this trip felt like hard work and I’ve not enjoyed it much. I booked a solo trip to northern Greece in September and will take a week off while he stays home with daughter. He’s off to a music festival for a week in July so I feel it’s fair. He says he’s sad we won’t holiday as a family in future, but has barely cracked a smile the whole time we’ve been here.

Am I being unreasonable to take family trips off the table for the next few years and go solo?

Honestly, holidays with little ones are hard work, it’s easier to stay at home. Maybe you need to change the type of holidays you have together now, as your life has changed.

It sounds like you need to rethink how you holiday with a small child. I don’t think not taking your child away is the best answer though especially as she gets older.

Are you not willing to dial down the itinerary to make it a bit more relaxing for you both?

I’ve travelled a lot with my young kids and am not particularly fazed by it. I would also have done the moving every couple of days style of holiday in the past.

But IMO with young kids you are absolutely knackered when going on holiday, and it needs to be more chilling-out focused.

We tend to do a few days of ‘activity’ eg in a city visiting stuff, then a longer period just chilling out somewhere (pool, beach, hiking, meals etc).

It’s hard to be enthusiastic about being busy all the time if you’re exhausted and ill.

I think YABU to throw your toys out the pram over this experience, being married is about compromise much of the time and you need to find something that works for both of you in context of your new lifestyle.

Adjusting to life as a parent is tough. Six months old is not too bad to do that kind of holiday but it gets so much harder for at least a few years. I also think it gets more fun to see how your child interacts with different environments and maybe harder to leave them. We took our 2 1/2 year old to Bali and it was a completely different experience because he was there but not in a bad way. Everyone reacted to us differently. At that age he also would have been pretty vocal about his feelings had we left him for week. Not saying you can’t ever do it but they don’t tend to love it and you have to factor that in.

Seems like an overreaction on your part, and no thought given to your daughter - what kind of holidays will she want? I’m guessing she’ll want at least some with both her parents. It sounds like you both need time to calm down and discuss together what you want for future trips. Making decisions in the heat of the moment, when you’re both clearly having a hard time, isn’t helpful. Your child isn’t a toy to threaten to take away when you’re cross, you need to figure out life together as a family

If he's getting a solo week at a festival then of course it's not unreasonable for you to have a solo week too, assuming you can afford it. No need to be prescriptive about the future, though; take it as it comes. It's weird that he is the one being grumpy on this trip and the one who wants to holiday together in future. In that case, it's down to him to suggest what could be done differently next time.

Holidays are best when everyone is having a good time. For me that meant mostly doing stuff I knew kids would like (beach, pool, sightseeing) with occasional more adult activity thrown in (museum, hike). I think it would be a shame to miss out on family holidays so adjust your expectations and book a long weekend to get your fix.

You both need to prioritise your daughter and do trips she will enjoy. This absolutely doesn't mean you have to stop travelling, you just need to adjust and adapt.
DS7 and DD4 have been all over on holidays and we've loved every single one.

I think you both need to chill out, calm down and have a rational discussion to be honest.

As a pp said, where does your daughter factor into all these solo trips (yours and your partners) would she always stay home with the other parent or would she go along sometimes? It's a big chunk of time to be leaving her tbh. When are you going to spend time together as a family? What kind of holiday would work for her as she grows into an older baby, a toddler, a young school aged child?

I don't see why you can't adjust your expectations a bit and come to a compromise - a bit of exploring, a bit of relaxing. Take her to see the sights and experience different cultures, but also play on the beach or in the pool.

Sounds absolutely fine to me.
Hopefully you can also fit in a low stress short holiday with DC. Doesn't need to be overseas. Lots of options in the UK.

I don't quite understand because you're saying you like a busy itinerary and your baby has been great, but then you said you've not enjoyed it and it was hard work
and you said his expectations are unrealistic because he wants to relax?
So I'm not quite understanding what each of you are unhappy with, but I think being a family is working together and compromise, and cancelling family holidays so you can go alone (does your daughter get a holiday or just you and your husband??) is really sad and selfish.

I think there's a middle ground. We book an apartment and explore some where in depth, maybe a day trip or two, but we take it at DS pace. Means there's chance for nap, lazy mornings and we've got somewhere comfy to relax of an evening after DS goes to bed. We're flying to Lisbon tomorrow for 5 nights.

It's not your DDs fault you two planned an overly ambitious schedule and didn't enjoy it.

Do you need to be so all or nothing about it? I'm sure there is a compromise or different type of holiday you could do.

So he picked the destination and did you make the plan? Are you traveling around Puglia? Sounds quite intense. Did you both communicate before the trip on what you would be doing? Did he express he didn't want to travel to 4 different places? Or was this his plan?

If this is what your holidays used to look like, what's different now? Is his energy levels lower so realising the intense trip isn't ideal when tired etc?

Maybe with a child you both should have been more realistic about the type of holiday you would both enjoy. I don't think you should be planning to never holiday together again due to the holiday being as you had both planned it to be!

I'm confused as to who is unhappy and why here. You say "we" prefer to have a busy itinerary but he sounds like didn't, but you're not happy with how much hard work it's been.

Travelling with a child is no fun, especially not at 6 months old it's going to be super hard work.

It sounds like you need to stop butting heads and actually come up with a holiday that works for you all

I think YABU if your partner doesn't agree. It would be fine if you'd suggested separate holidays and he was up for that too, but as he's said no then you can't just overrule him. Maybe you need to keep thinking about how you can compromise and what might work for all three of you.

You booked a holiday without actually discussing what you wanted out of a holiday

Maybe think about having it all if you can afford it. Each of you has a trip that you organise on your own so you can do whatever you want. You should also organise a holiday your child will enjoy that you do together. Divide your holiday budget up appropriately. Things will change when DC goes to school as school holidays are tricky from a child care point of view. Sounds like a bit of a shock to the system -- and yes, having a baby changes your life and what you can do completely. DC will be different every year in terms of what they can do. I have not enjoyed a holiday in the way I used to since I became a parent (18 years ago) but that is part and parcel of being a parent.

Is there more to the story here as this seems a massive overreaction on your part.

Assuming this is the first time you've been away with your daughter? Lesson learnt for both of you - you know what doesn't work so try something else next time.

I found the easiest time to travel with my kids was before they could walk (not to necessarily the most enjoyable but the easiest!) Your holidays will be different now, there's a third person to consider with needs entirely different to your own. Why not plan your next trip together, discuss what didnt work this time and what you both want from a trip and go from there.

Some really helpful points so far, thank you. We’re both a bit stressed right now as many of you have identified - and I think because it’s the first holiday as a family the expectations were too high.

I suppose I’m annoyed because I recommended we do an easy first trip - a week on a Greek island staying in one place, with minimal travelling. He wanted to do a multi-center trip to Puglia with a focus on sightseeing across the cities/towns. I duly planned it for us. Now he thinks it’s been too full on. He wants to sleep until 10am, (baby is up at 6/7) so by then it’s hard to get breakfast as Italians eat so early, and I’ve been looking after baby for 3 hours alone. Then by the time we arrive at the destination we have an hour or two at most before everything closes for siesta and we still need to get lunch - which finishes at 2pm. Then it’s 4 hours of sitting inside until 6pm when everything reopens. It just feels so rushed and a bit pointless. Puglia is beautiful though.

I of course want to travel with daughter in the future! I’d be okay with a straightforward trip with her together - but I want her to see her parents at their best, not arguing and stressed.

For context, I’m a mum of 2, now aged 9 and 5. Before kids, we used to take a month off work and ‘do’ South America, Asia etc. not backpacking but not far off. Crazy itineraries, weird transport, last minute hotels, sketchy situations!
Then we had kids. It is hard to adjust. The fact you guys have jumped to ‘we must holiday separately’ is strange to me. Your daughter is probably just being weaned and that is hard. We did our first family holiday when our first was 6 months and yes it’s a right pain in the butt - finding food they’ll eat, nappies, still doing bottles, naps, the buggy, car seats.
In all honesty, we have changed the way we travel. We have done family hotels with pools in Mallorca, Greece and Tenerife. Yes it’s a bit pedestrian compared to proper travelling, but it’s the best way for us to make it enjoyable.
i do understand coming home and feeling like you need a holiday from your holiday! I promise you it gets easier. Last year was the first year we started to do ‘travelling’ travel with the kids, when youngest was 4. She will eat pizza, grilled chicken and pasta and that will take you most places! No nappies, no bottles, no changing mat. We do still need the buggy!
Last year we did a trip to Seville and a separate trip to Cannes/Nice/Montecarlo, but all based from one hotel in Nice.
Big mega hotels with a pool might not be your taste, it’s not our preference either, but don’t miss out on the family memories, and someone else going all the cooking and cleaning! And I promise you, by the time she’s 4 or 5, you’ll be able to do so much more with her.

We discussed it! I’m normally the holiday planner - he told me what he wanted and I booked it. There were even spreadsheets involved. But now we are here he says it’s not the type of holiday he wants.

So if I read your post correctly, DH chose the destination and arranged the itinerary but forgot to factor in DC's needs and is now a little frazzled. Parenting is a learning curve, you both now know for next time and can adjust accordingly.

He is being an arse. If he's the one who wanted to do all the sightseeing then he needs to get out of bed early enough to do it!

So you learn from what has happened this time and plan with it for next time. Don’t just give up on taking your baby away!