To take separate holidays from now on

[Copenhagener]

I’ve always travelled a lot - sometimes with my partner and also solo. We prefer busy itineraries and lots of sightseeing rather than chilling out at the pool.

We now have a 6 month old daughter. Just took her on her first trip to Puglia in Italy with my partner and it’s been underwhelming. His choice of destination.

Our daughter has been great, sleeping through the night and excited by the surroundings which was a pleasant surprise - but the itinerary was too full on (4 hotels, driving every day to new spots, meals out) and he’s quite annoyed by how unrelaxing it is.

There’s the 1-5pm siesta, which doesn’t help with flexibility. He’s now saying he’s sick and grumpy and tired and just wants to chill. I’ve cancelled the last hotel so we can stay in place, but I feel his expectations were unrealistic. I also offered him the chance to fly home early but he didn’t want to.

I’ve told him that in future I’d prefer we holiday separately (at least until daughter is older) as this trip felt like hard work and I’ve not enjoyed it much. I booked a solo trip to northern Greece in September and will take a week off while he stays home with daughter. He’s off to a music festival for a week in July so I feel it’s fair. He says he’s sad we won’t holiday as a family in future, but has barely cracked a smile the whole time we’ve been here.

Am I being unreasonable to take family trips off the table for the next few years and go solo?

Minorca/Majorca are perfect for families. Lots of hotels but lots of nice towns and cities within driving distance to go for a day/afternoon and then back at the hotel for some entertainment for the kids whilst parents can have a drink and enjoy watching their children interact with other children.

It might not be your ideal, but there is something for everyone there!

When you go on holiday with children (especially younger children) you are just parenting in a different place. 😂🙈 The holiday is mostly about them. My kids are 5 & 9. Last year we went to a big resort with pools, slides, family evening entertainment etc. My idea of hell but the kids loved it! To be fair I enjoyed the sun, food and cocktails too. Also helped that we went with friends. Going forward you need to base your holidays on your LO or don't take them on holiday for a good few years. Even then most older kids don't want to traipse around in the heat visiting churches and traveling/walking for hours. Moving to different hotels with a child sounds like a nightmare OP.

Well, now you both realise that the holiday you had planned would work much better, so you've got a good idea what to do for the next one. We didn't take our dc abroad until he'd turned two and by that point we were desperate to get back to Greece.

We did the holiday you thought of, one apartment for the week with lovely sloping beaches nearby and warm shallow seas. But there's not a chance in hell my DH would have been sleeping in every morning and leaving me to do all the childcare for hours on my own - he wouldn't dream of it. We tended to be up and out quite early before it got really hot and then back to our apartment for lunchtime, siesta and play in the coolness of our rooms.

I don't blame you for wanting a break of your own later, I would too. But that doesn't mean no family holidays again, you can do something next year that's more geared towards the stage your DD is at and both doing your fair share of parenting.

Your original idea sounded much more realistic OP. Perhaps try that next time before you opt for separate holidays.

Your DH needs to get his head around it all and adapt. And I guess you might have liked a bit of a lie in too as you must be tired as well.

So he has now learned that the holidays he likes won't work well with a small child, at least not in a place with long siestas! Next time he will be able to take that into account and you can plan a more relaxing trip.

You could stay in one place and do trips out or something, take picnics with you.

It's a bit harsh to punish him by immediately jumping to 'separate holidays from now on'

Definitely room for middle ground. I like holidays like you, but when our DC were small we stayed self catering in rented apartments with pool access. We hired a car and car seat and took a buggy and spent some time going off for the day doing culture but then spent others close to the apartment to take the pressure off. The babies came out with us in the evening, ate outside with us in the warm air and then fell asleep in the buggy before an early night.

All thoroughly enjoyable.

Your partner didn't think it through, and you didn't challenge him at planning stage. You're both to blame for having had a rubbish holiday. But that doesn't mean you can't have lovely ones together in the future, now you know what DOESN'T work. I think you're over-reacting.

Holidays with kids change hugely as they grow. When they are little you are best having a good base, decent hotel
in areas with nearby day trips (Begur in Spain, Menorca etc) you can hit the heavy itinerary when they get older.

I think your partner is a bit of an arse though.

We had this. My DH didn't want my suggested "lazy" all inclusive with a pool for our 18mo and 5 yo. We did an activity packed city break and didn't speak to one another for a week after.

He later said that he should have listened to me because I said how hard it would be.

However, your DH is definitely BU for sleeping till 10. On a kids holiday, everybody gets up at 6 or you take turns. It is the only fair way.

I think you are being driven by your annoyance with your partner rather than what is most sensible in this situation.

I too would be very annoyed if I'd suggested a more laid back holiday, he had insisted he wanted the usual packed itinerary holiday, I'd done all the work of researching and arranging and then he moaned that it wasn't relaxing enough.

The getting up at 10 every day is also annoying particularly as he chose a location which strictly follows siesta time. I presume he hasn't done that before?

Nothing wrong with the odd separate break (I'm jealous as I've never had one!) but you really ought to have a family holiday too. They have always been my kids absolute favourite thing and some of our all time best family memories. Your daughter sounds like a really good traveller from what you've said (not all kids cope well with change of routine and familiarity) so if would be a real shame for her to miss out and for you to miss out on her enjoyment.

Next year insist on a relaxed week in one (max two) locations, preferably somewhere more on the beaten track/touristy. I'm in Sicily at the moment in a popular holiday resort and there are still places open all day, it's just a bit quieter during siesta hours.

Apartment accommodation is better with a child, more space and you can sort your own breakfast etc. We used to do holidays like yours but switched to Eurocamp plus car for exploring and then AI plus car. Once our kids were 7/8 we started doing long haul and more "busy" holidays again. This year we are doing Sicily, Istanbul, then a multi site holiday to Singapore and Malaysia in the summer. Holidays with children do evolve I promise!

In the meantime tell your partner to get his iron levels checked. 12 hours sleep and stop tired isn't right. Awful for him and not fair on you or your child.

This just sounds like one of those holidays that didn’t pan out the way you both hoped but no need to rush to the conclusion that therefore means separate holidays going forward. I can imagine it is frustrating that having done the work to plan the itinerary, your DH is now complaining about it. But it sounds like he is not well, stressed with work and both of you a little over reactive likely because you are both knackered. If he’s usually been up for this type of holiday before, it sounds like there’s a reason he’s not so up for it this time. So it’s a time for listening to each other, not judging it, and trying to compromise. I’ve had had some great family holidays but also less great. But that’s just life. Best wishes

Me and dh used to travel the world together but now we are parents we opt for all inclusive. Neither had ever done this prior to kids. Holidays with small kids are about not having to think, not having to cook, not having to figure out the entertainment. Next time find a nice family friendly hotel and enjoy being waited on for a week.

We didn’t go abroad with our son till he was 3 - I had done it before with babies in my 1 st marriage and found it plain crap - and as you say we ended up having 5 days each going away with a friend - and a week where little one stayed with grandparents where we went away together - at 3 though it all changed, much much easier , less about naps and the usual toddler routine - but a lot of this is about choices OP - the multi centre kind of mainly sight seeing hols pre kids just don’t work in my opinion with very young kids and babies unless you are both very very easy going and tolerant - neither of you sound as if you are.

However, your DH is definitely BU for sleeping till 10. On a kids holiday, everybody gets up at 6 or you take turns. It is the only fair way.

I disagree 😂 I I don't know why it's mainly British people who seem obsessed with early nights and very early morning for their kids, but 6am is far too early for a holiday - babies you keep on a routine more or less, but from toddler? It's a holiday!

It's always amusing to compare with other nationalities, who generally have very different schedules.

How's that relevant with a 6 month old

I’ve travelled a lot with young kids and also lived with young kids in a country with siestas.

If your DD was happy and slept well, then it seems she wasn’t the problem. It’s you and your DP expecting your usual routine and planned itinerary to fit into a locality that operates on a very different timetable. Even if you didn’t have a baby, if your DP wants to lie in until 10, he’d miss breakfast. Even if you didn’t have a baby, you’d hit siesta closures in your itinerary.

When in Rome (or Puglia) and all that!

I’ve only ever stayed in holiday flats/houses with kids, even before kids. That way, you can do what you like, when you like. If your kids wake early, you can take it in turns to get up with them, wander into the living room, make them some breakfast/yourself a coffee, without having to get dressed or go out, to give the other parent a lie-in. You can eat lunch when you like. You don’t have to go out all the time but can chill in your home from home, while your child plays. Once the baby’s in bed at night, you don’t have to creep about with the lights off, you can sit in the living space/terrace/garden with a glass of wine and some dinner for a local market or deli.

While a packed itinerary and driving from place to place can be fun without kids, it can be very stressful and inefficient when you have kids. You spend hours of your precious break packing by check out time, remembering everything, to move from one accommodation to the next, rather than having a good sleep and an easy morning.

When you’ve got kids, holidays become more essential to just chill, potter and recharge, rather than packing in tons. It may be better to book a nice flat or house as a base, then take days trips to see things, with chilling days in between where you wander locally and see what you come across. Those unplanned moments are often the most special. And try to live like a local. If you nap or chill (e.g. watch tv) during siesta you can have kids up later in the evenings, when it’s cooler and everyone is out. Mediterranean families figured out a long time ago that trying to get little kids to go to sleep at 8pm when it’s so hot is a pointless battle. Better to let them stay up until they crash and nap in the heat of the day.

Don’t give up on family holidays. They’re magical. And Med countries are so welcoming to kids. You just need to adjust and take it easy.

Men. ‘Unwell’ is often the excuse. You can’t argue with it. Cos if you do you’re a horrible unsympathetic person. I literally never hear from women that they’ve been unwell and taken to their bed for a few days and their husband has had to pick up all the slack without thanks.

So...

He wants to sleep to 10am? Which is TOTALLY unfair on you and problematic in a siesta country irrespective of having a baby.
Have action packed days?
And repack every 2 days to change hotels?

This wouldnt be my idea of a holiday without a baby.

I'd plan the holidays to suit myself and tell him

• the next holiday I'm planning is at x resort for 7 days
• Breakfast is 8 -9.30 every day. You need to get up 7.30 latest and if you want to "sleep in" go to bed at 9pm.
• We will do 2 day trips in total to A and B

You can come or not. Let me know.

Of course your baby is loved and cherished, you’ve just went on a holiday that you’d have loved pre baby and didn’t factor in the tiredness of night feeds etc and feel disappointment.
Next time you plan a holiday, you both will be more aware of what will work or not now. It’s just part of the learning curve all parents go through.
Don’t be to hard on yourselves, you tried it and it didn’t work out.
My cousin spent 20 years travelling, from 16 years old onwards, then when she settled down with a fellow traveller in their home town. They would go to places like Costa Rica for a month with baby and toddler and explore at a more leisurely pace than they would’ve pre children.

You both fucked up a bit, no need for drama. Just reflect in it and build that in to your planning next time.

I always fuck up a bit of our holidays - strong memories of the hour long walk in 30 degree heat across the scrubland of the Pyranean foothills because I misread a map and throught a museum was 10 min walk from the station.

I’m sorry you’re not having a great holiday. Honestly, don’t holiday separately- holidaying with children is challenging but when they are 6 months old is the easy bit! Soon they’ll want to stay in the pool all day long, go to the mini disco, play on the playground for hours on bastard end 😂

I have the best memories being away with my children and getting the absolute best version of my husband in the sunshine with no work, glass in hand no discussions of who wants what for tea and who’s doing the household chores. Don’t wave goodbye to that, it’d be the start of the end for me.

Holidays with little ones are hard. They’re fun and lovely, but it’s hard to relax! It’s just parenting somewhere you’re unfamiliar with.

ways to make it more relaxing:

one hotel per trip!

Child friendly hotel with buffet brekkie/ kids pool etc.

A room with an area you can be in after they
sleep (and a bathroom you can use too!) - balcony/ living area etc. with more than 1 child I’d suggest an apartment.

A kitchen/ette with toddlers.

a place where the streets a buggy friendly (no cobbles!)

Ideally not too much of a time zone change if it’s only a week (not so bad if it’s longer).

travel with blackout blinds/ snooze shade for the pram

possibility of childcare / room listening

encourage helpful family members to join (we paid for my sister to join us once, she babysat for 2 nights in exchange- ideal!)

@Copenhagener

We prefer busy itineraries and lots of sightseeing rather than chilling out at the pool.

But you are a family now, not a carefree couple who can do whatever they want, when they want. It isn’t easy adjusting to having children. It took me about 9 years🤣🤣 For a limited time (or a prolonged time) you forego your right to total independence. You plan holidays with the family in mind - that includes everyone and lots and lots of compromises on the part of both parents.

Am I being unreasonable to take family trips off the table for the next few years and go solo?

Yes, because you are no longer solo. You are a mum, a wife, and you have a little person who is watching everything you do All.The.Time. Life has changed for you both.

Adjusting to family life is the hardest job going I’m afraid. There’s no way out, no short cut, you just have to grit your teeth and get the fuck through it until you’re used to it.

Sorry - it is a tough gig. But you will learn and grow as a family and it’ll be ok

I think you’ve discovered why parents of small children often end up at all inclusive resorts. Thank god for the buffet style meals that only close for an hour between breakfast & lunch!

@Shelby2010

Yes, agree 💯