To take separate holidays from now on

[Copenhagener]

I’ve always travelled a lot - sometimes with my partner and also solo. We prefer busy itineraries and lots of sightseeing rather than chilling out at the pool.

We now have a 6 month old daughter. Just took her on her first trip to Puglia in Italy with my partner and it’s been underwhelming. His choice of destination.

Our daughter has been great, sleeping through the night and excited by the surroundings which was a pleasant surprise - but the itinerary was too full on (4 hotels, driving every day to new spots, meals out) and he’s quite annoyed by how unrelaxing it is.

There’s the 1-5pm siesta, which doesn’t help with flexibility. He’s now saying he’s sick and grumpy and tired and just wants to chill. I’ve cancelled the last hotel so we can stay in place, but I feel his expectations were unrealistic. I also offered him the chance to fly home early but he didn’t want to.

I’ve told him that in future I’d prefer we holiday separately (at least until daughter is older) as this trip felt like hard work and I’ve not enjoyed it much. I booked a solo trip to northern Greece in September and will take a week off while he stays home with daughter. He’s off to a music festival for a week in July so I feel it’s fair. He says he’s sad we won’t holiday as a family in future, but has barely cracked a smile the whole time we’ve been here.

Am I being unreasonable to take family trips off the table for the next few years and go solo?

The child wasn't central to his planning. As a PP said, learning experience. For holidays to be enjoyable with a child, their needs must be factored in from the beginning. Chalk it up to experience, talk about it properly when you get home, consider more carefully what you plan and book next time.

You could have one solo trip each & then do a family trip each year. To be honest that’s why places like Center Parcs, caravan parks, Eurocamp type places were invented - because they are geared towards families. There are plenty of other child friendly places that are probably nicer than those (Kinderhotels are supposed to be nice). I would also try to split the workload while you’re away so you both get a lie in, some time for a swim etc.. I think men cope less well with the disruption of babies. I think you both need to accept that you have a few more years of a less relaxing holiday.

Getting up at ten is the biggest issue isn't it. That's a rubbish strategy in a place where everything is closed in the afternoon.

Try again with the overseas holiday when the little one is 4-5. It gets a lot easier then. I think travelling around and having such a packed itinerary doesn’t suit babies. Either go for a self catering villa holiday or just do separate holidays until she’s a little older.

It’s not ideal! But he’s so tired from a stressful time at work and now he’s saying he’s feeling unwell, so I don’t want to force him up earlier. We’re going to bed at 10pm, so it feels a bit the top to me. But he does genuinely look knackered.

You need to go somewhere that has a lot to look at and explore but doesn't require multiple hotels and moves. That way he can stay in and chill every other day while you wander around villages being Shirley Valentine.

Sorry should have read this first. Your husband is being a bit of a knob and reality of having kids hasn’t fully caught up with him yet. I do think it’s normal to grieve a bit for your life before, but this is getting a bit out of hand.

But is that anything to actually do with the baby though?

It does sound a bit full on ( and I'm a traveller who likes seeing lots of places) . Maybe slow down a bit and intersperse sightseeing says with a couple of chill out ones

It sounds like maybe he underestimated how different things would be with the baby and how tired he would be! Rookie mistake basically 🤣 I know it's really frustrating, but try not to blow it too out proportion, he may well feel a bit silly and defensive for getting it wrong. It sounds like he'd be more open to the kind of holiday you suggested now he's actually done a holiday with a child!

We did as others have said, booked a holiday they would like but added things for us to make it nicer.

This makes no sense. Was it too busy or not busy enough?

I couldn't imagine leaving my dc for a week at that age and you make it sound like it's a punishment for him. Very odd.

You need to find a compromise and adjust your holidays and expectations.

Holidaying solo comes accross as quite selfish to me. Does your child never get to travel then?

I love travel. Used to do crazy itineraries travelling through exotic places. We now have a child, we've adjusted. Rather than 1 or 2 nights in places we now do 2 or 3 locations per holiday max. A slower pace. Rather than cheaper hotels or even nice hotel we tend to air bnb it. If in europe we eurocamp in carvans. We focus our travel arpund your child. Make sure theres a pool if possible, cook food more, find fun child friendly things to see and do. Travel is different now for sure. But i enjoy it just as much, if not more. The joy of being a travel loving parent is i now get to share it with my child and see her joy in exploring and finding new places and things. Yes sometimes this means experiecing playroungs around the world. But that's part of being a parent.

This is largely what I came on to say, but I have mostly enjoyed our holidays, having significantly adapted my expectations.

It's great if you've got the budget to do a mix of solo and family trips (wish I had!).

Kids change your life. It can be hard to adjust. For years we did sun holidays in hotels with separate bedrooms or dividers. Ones that had splash parks/beaches and did a few day trips to ruins or cities e.g. Greece/Italy/France. Trying to do a bit for everyone.

School really limits flexibility and adds huge cost to trips. Now the kids are tweens, we've added city breaks staying in aparthotels and have done a Norwegian fjord cruise. We've had a really great time.

Talk it through with your DH.

The thing I learned about having a child is never plan your life around the stage they're currently in, especially under a year old as they change constantly. Yes holidays will be different but that's to be expected, my husband and I are keen hikers for example and always had week long hikes in remote places - on hold til our toddler is older. Your husband is being short sighted, things will change fast.

You're in a different era atm and it'll pass, my husband and I missed eachother and our life and lamented the prospect of not doing our hikes and city breaks anymore, but tbh now our son is a toddler, we would miss our little buddy if he wasnt with us so happy to have different breaks now, and to have really lived it up with ehat we enjoy in our twenties and early 30s together before parenthood.

Exactly this. So for a few years you will be having holidays that you will not necessarily enjoy as much as the ones you did when child-free. Little kids often just love splashing in a pool for example. But that will change. It's one of those things that you just have to get to grips with as a family.

FWIW we really had to persevere longer than most with family holidays as our now 15 year old has autism and really found a change of locale very difficult to deal with. So there were a few trips to Centreparcs or to AI hotels in Spain and Greece. By the time he was 10 he was a seasoned traveller and now absolutely loves travelling. This year we are going to the Great Barrier Reef and plan to do things like whale watching. 5 years ago he would not have coped, but we took things at his pace and developed his adventure muscles, so to speak.

You are throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Instead of just not holidaying together, sit down, reflect on this one, and learn from it. That's it!

I find going abroad much easier with little ones - much better than staying at home, but we both love holidays!

Why do you have to sit inside everyday for so long? Go for a walk, look at the architecture, have a drink in a cafe/bar, you don’t need to wait for things to open.

I’d make the most of seeing the sights now as it gets more tricky when they are older as they’re more vocal about being bored. Then beach holidays are great, they seem to be able to spend hours on the beach playing and we mix it up with a bit of sightseeing and days out. Self catering is so much easier at that age. Go out for lunch all together, do whatever activities, then you can have a nice relaxed meal when they’re in bed.

You can still both take it in turns to have a lie in, go out for an early lunch instead of breakfast, then go and have a look around outside.

A 6 month old baby won't care where they are as long as with parents. No need to base holiday around then.
Seems the issue isn't actually the child but the DH feeling unwell, being grumpy and moaning

It sounds like the trip your DH wanted did not match with his needs and energy levels and his grumpiness spoiled the holiday for you. It would have worked fine, possibly, if he was not needing so much sleep and rest. His lie ins scuppered everything. I'd be pissed off, given he chose this trip and you organised it based on his wishes. Is this unusual for him? It doesn't sound like much fun for you.

I think with children apartments are so much easier than hotels, as with kitchens and living rooms there’s more space.. and you can eat or prepare sandwiches when you like..

Many years ago my GP told me that babies and very very young children do not appreciate holidays and certainly do not need them in the same sense that we adults do.
Why would you take a 6 month old on a sightseeing tour? If that’s the type of holiday you both crave then perhaps separate holidays are the way to go until the child is old enough to both appreciate and enjoy it. Otherwise, plan something totally different and consider a young child rather than yourselves.

And lord- the first couple of trips we did were disasters and my DH swore he would never holiday again. Our first AI trip to Spain was horrible. The second trip we did was on a very short cruise to Bruge. I had to cope with a whining 4 year old AND a whining DH. But we reflected and developed things as we went along. One thing we just had to get to grips with was that DS can't be on the go all day. He needs a few hours downtime in the middle of each day so one of us would stay with him and the other would go sightseeing and then we would swap over the next day.

It sounds like maybe he thought that's what he wanted until he realised what it would be like doing it with a baby in tow.

Now you are parents you will need to learn to find a compromise between what you both want and what's best for your child as things will become more challenging when they are a toddler and are less portable and willing and have their own ideas of fun.

There's no reason why you can't book somewhere and still see sights and have some relaxation/play time built in to suit everyone. Seems like an overreaction to say you are doing separate holidays from now on. A lot of what is fun about a holiday is spending time as a family and seeing your child enjoy new experiences, it would be sad to miss out on that.

When kids are little they change SO quickly. “The next few years” encompasses so many different stages. You can still take family holidays, just adapt a bit more. It’s quite a while before meals out with kids are ‘relaxing’ so balance a few family meals with alternate evenings out solo, taking turns with your husband to go for grown up dinner and stay in with the baby.

Book a hotel apartment rather than just a room so you can close the bedroom door on your sleeping child for the evenings, and also make their breakfast/tea at times that suit them.

Only separate holidays seems a bit extreme. Surely the obvious answer is to chalk this one up to experience together and just book something a bit less stressful next time? I think most parents have done this- tried to recreate their pre-kids holidays ending in disappointment/ disaster- and learned their lesson. I always say anything I did pre kids is horrible, anything I would have given a wide berth as a child-free person (Center Parcs, camping) is more fun than I expect.

If you just holiday separately you’ll have no (good or bad) shared memories of holidays together and it’s not clear if your DC will get a holiday at all. Not to say you shouldn’t go separately if you want to but never going away together just because this holiday has been miserable is a bit extreme.

If your DH is a grumpy dick all the time generally that’s something different which needs tackling.