To take separate holidays from now on

[Copenhagener]

I’ve always travelled a lot - sometimes with my partner and also solo. We prefer busy itineraries and lots of sightseeing rather than chilling out at the pool.

We now have a 6 month old daughter. Just took her on her first trip to Puglia in Italy with my partner and it’s been underwhelming. His choice of destination.

Our daughter has been great, sleeping through the night and excited by the surroundings which was a pleasant surprise - but the itinerary was too full on (4 hotels, driving every day to new spots, meals out) and he’s quite annoyed by how unrelaxing it is.

There’s the 1-5pm siesta, which doesn’t help with flexibility. He’s now saying he’s sick and grumpy and tired and just wants to chill. I’ve cancelled the last hotel so we can stay in place, but I feel his expectations were unrealistic. I also offered him the chance to fly home early but he didn’t want to.

I’ve told him that in future I’d prefer we holiday separately (at least until daughter is older) as this trip felt like hard work and I’ve not enjoyed it much. I booked a solo trip to northern Greece in September and will take a week off while he stays home with daughter. He’s off to a music festival for a week in July so I feel it’s fair. He says he’s sad we won’t holiday as a family in future, but has barely cracked a smile the whole time we’ve been here.

Am I being unreasonable to take family trips off the table for the next few years and go solo?

A full on holiday with a 6 month old will do that to you irregardless of work 😂

It takes a few trips to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t when you start travelling with a kid. One time it will be DH’s fault, another trips kid will be sick and grumpy, another there’ll be something else. Yet it doesn’t have to be a negative experience. Would be sad if you have to travel separately for the foreseeable future.

If you just holiday separately you’ll have no (good or bad) shared memories of holidays together and it’s not clear if your DC will get a holiday at all. Not to say you shouldn’t go separately if you want to but never going away together just because this holiday has been miserable is a bit extreme.

This is true. We have a shared very bad memory of visiting the Louvre a few years back. It was a nightmare. Even now one of us will sometimes say; 'Remember that trip to the Louvre?' and we fall about laughing.

YABU. Little children don't cope with full on itineraries, and are usually very hard work on holiday. You don't get a break and you'll soon find the best holidays are the ones where you don't get to do much for you but the kids can play and have fun so that you can actually relax!
Your pre kids holidays sound very full on and busy. Holidays and different environments and routines will make your child exhausted. They don't cope with it like adults do. I think before saying no family holidays (think how this would affect your child, memories as a family in the future!) just plan differently. You all need some down time.

We find beach holidays great for the kids - they play in the sand all day and we can ACTUALLY relax. A good compromise could be a morning out, then the afternoon doing something more chilled. Or a day full of activities, followed by a day of no plans or pressure.

I really don’t understand why you both thought a full on itinerary would work with a baby. A child changes things. It’s just the way it is.
I appreciate you had thought to dial it down a bit but to go ahead with his plan was crazy.

I have travelled with my children, as much as I could afford to, and always as the only adult (separated and then divorced with full custody when I had 3 between 2 and 5). We have had some amazing holidays and wonderful memories and I wouldn’t change that for the world. But they are not the same holidays I had pre children.

To now turn around and say no more holidays as a family seems like a strange reaction. You find a nice hotel - just one - near a beach, near some amazing museums and then you take each day as it comes. Europe is fantastic for holidays like that.

And as kids get older it does get more fun- all mine are over 8 now and this summer we’re going to a family hotel in Spain in a small town, with the option of trips to big cities/ activities like snorkelling/ boats/ nature/ water parts and local villages to walk around and have a coffee.

i think holidays together are important and if you think it’s hard with a little one as a couple, it’s going to be even harder on your own. Our approach was to plan a holiday that we wanted to go on but also caterered for the needs of the children, which of course changed depending on their age. You need to compromise- less hectic and more down time for starters. Maybe you go on a slightly shorter family holiday tben separate shorter breaks separately?

You just need to manage your expectations. Travelling with a 6 month old is not the same as travelling alone. Once they get older you can go back to busier itineraries.

Is he totally disengaged at home? I can't see how else he wouldn't have been aware of what life is like with a young baby and why it was never going to mix with a holiday like this. Separate holidays until the baby is old enough so he can opt out of parenting and travel as if he's single with no kids? His life has changed now. He's a dad!

Apartments are a better option with children as they can have their own rooms while you relax in the living room and you can more easily meet their needs. But this was never a realistic idea. He wants to sleep until 10 every day with a baby? Go point to point all day? What made him think that was going to happen?

DH and I are doing a separate holiday each (we’re going away with friends) and a couple of short UK breaks with DC, until they’re older. Works for us. I’m not sure I see the problem, tbh.

After our first disastrous holiday with a baby where we basically didn’t factor in the baby we stuck to England / northern France until our youngest was 3. Just seemed pointless effort and we live for travel. Family holidays with primary age kids are fantastic would be very sad not to do that. Our kids late teens and we have so many memories together.

Yes same for us! The ones where things went wrong are the ones we mill ourselves laughing about now and the kids find it as funny as we do (memorably we once mis-read the boat timetable and were essentially marooned on an island for 10 hours and it then started raining- we spent 2 full hours in a bus shelter playing I spy watching the same seagull walk up and down!!!).

Sorry, I didn't read the full thread! So adding to my post... You should have gone with your gut and planned the holiday you had in mind. But also -
Wtf getting up at 10am when the baby is up at 6/7 is insane!! So you had to be up with baby while he laid in bed? You get up, out the door and do your activities before the siesta. The the siesta is your chill time! We're up at the crack of dawn with our kids then we try to loosely stick with their usual routine as much as possible (with meal and sleep times) to avoid grumpy cranky kids. Anyway - his own fault for getting up so late. I think if he needs a lie in, fine - or early to bed. But not for the full holiday.

Give it a few more holidays to work it out together and find what works for you all together. Xx

I took my DS everywhere as a child, DH travels for work. We would join him for a break at the end. That way I had an adventure, DS had a pool/ beach and DH for a holiday without trying.(DS actually doesn’t see the point if travelling now interestedly)

I would do whatever works that year. You’ll find lots of mums do “holidays with the girls” and couples holidays with kids thrown in is a thing too.

Exactly this. He wanted the type of holiday you’d previously have had, he thought it would work. You’d anticipated it likely wouldn’t but tried his plan. Best chalk this one up to experience and plan with a better understanding from you both next time. We used to have more multi centre, city sightseeing, busy holidays, and ramped that right back when kids arrived - though we didn’t do “pools and sun” much either, more uk breaks and staying with family / holiday cottages, gites, camping, Lake District, beaches (but not too hot). Kids are teens now and we can do much more with them now and luckily, because they’re pretty foodie, they like city breaks with us now!

We stayed in a riad in Marrakech when baby was 9 months and that was great as we could eat in the atrium bit in the evening, while he was asleep in bedroom with baby monitor and we could see the bedroom door across the atrium. Wouldn’t recommend for pushchair though - slings only! And took kids to Thailand when they were 6/8, but had to ramp back activities to allow chilling in hotel in afternoon in the heat / winding down, rather than squeezing in another temple.

It’s recognising that the two of you need something different to actually enjoy your holiday and have enough energy - hope your DH is starting to get that now.

We started doing friend trips when kids mid primary. They are very much secondary though - long weekend max a week usually to so an activity the other doesn’t fancy. I would feel abit sad having full on main holidays without Dh.

It seems like a strange reaction to never want to holiday together again.

If my husband had suggested a multi-location sightseeing focused holiday for our 6 month old I’d have said that it probably won’t work - let’s get a villa with a pool in puglia instead and do day trips out of there. That’s what we’ve just done with our similar age baby for the first trip and it just made it feel low pressure and if we went somewhere that was an achievement!

AI holidays with small kids

I'm sure you could compromise and gave occasional solo trips, but surely you want to spend time as a family too. Why don't you try an apartment or villa next time? It will give you space to have eatcwhen you want to. Our first holiday was a villa and we took baby monitor, so when baby had naps we could lie by the pool, read and chat.
Like you we used to have far more interesting holidays, but with a toddler we focused on doing things that we could do as a family. Beaches, waterparks, zoo etc. We still ate out etc but parenting is hard work, and we accepted that city breaks and multi centre holidays didn't fit in at that point.

The first holiday with a small child is an eye opener for lots of people to be fair, seems a very over the top reaction when there's plenty of middle ground. Going away with friends whilst the other stays home is healthy sometimes, but to never go away as a family seems a shame. We adapted holidays for a bit but make sure we also have some down time each on holiday so its a bit relaxing amongst everything else. I'm sure hes learnt his lesson that jam packed holidays with a child aren't the same as they were beforehand.

Can you organise a holiday around your dd and then have a week each to go and do what you want to do separately?

Finding somewhere that has one base and provides you with a range of activities, where you can all do the activities or take it in turns. But moving hostels and having time in the car with a 6 month old baby doesn't sound like it was any type of holiday

Your husband sounds very self centred. Surely both of you realised how much having a baby would change your lives? It’s not a well kept secret. I would think about what your child would enjoy for the next holiday together. A week in centreparks probably. Separate holidays are okay if it’s once a year each but you definitely need to do more as a family.

The thing is, that the situation with your daughter will be completely different in a year, and different again in another year and that keeps happening.

You can no more plan every holiday for the next few years, than you can plan what weather we are having for the next few years.

That must be hard to accept for you who loves planning lovely detailed and exciting trips with spreadsheets 😂

There is a whole other person now in your marriage and most stages are very tough. Holidays (and life) will never be the same again for you both. He is probably unwell because he realises this now.

I can't see that the baby is an issue at all, the issue seems to be that your husband's late rising and therefore late meal times doesn't fit in with Italian opening times, so leaving the baby at home wouldn't have made things any different. Also I've been to Italy several times and never been affected by 'siesta' closing times, although lots of places in the world don't have all day food serving.

@Copenhagener so have you asked him, now that he’s done a sightseeing holiday with the baby, is that the type of family holiday he would like to go on next time? Or have you gone straight to separate holidays?

In hindsight you may feel a huge level of regret at not going together. No family holiday photos or memories..

Surely if you asked him now he’d jump at the chance of a more relaxed time away next time. Esp as LO might not be so great at lots of car journeys as they get a little bit older!