To take separate holidays from now on

[Copenhagener]

I’ve always travelled a lot - sometimes with my partner and also solo. We prefer busy itineraries and lots of sightseeing rather than chilling out at the pool.

We now have a 6 month old daughter. Just took her on her first trip to Puglia in Italy with my partner and it’s been underwhelming. His choice of destination.

Our daughter has been great, sleeping through the night and excited by the surroundings which was a pleasant surprise - but the itinerary was too full on (4 hotels, driving every day to new spots, meals out) and he’s quite annoyed by how unrelaxing it is.

There’s the 1-5pm siesta, which doesn’t help with flexibility. He’s now saying he’s sick and grumpy and tired and just wants to chill. I’ve cancelled the last hotel so we can stay in place, but I feel his expectations were unrealistic. I also offered him the chance to fly home early but he didn’t want to.

I’ve told him that in future I’d prefer we holiday separately (at least until daughter is older) as this trip felt like hard work and I’ve not enjoyed it much. I booked a solo trip to northern Greece in September and will take a week off while he stays home with daughter. He’s off to a music festival for a week in July so I feel it’s fair. He says he’s sad we won’t holiday as a family in future, but has barely cracked a smile the whole time we’ve been here.

Am I being unreasonable to take family trips off the table for the next few years and go solo?

First family holiday is always a bit of a shock, the more you go the easier it gets. You adjust expectations and figure out what works for you. Don't write them off now!

I strongly disagree! If you’re someone who enjoyed these really busy trips before, eating in local restaurants and focused on the sights and history or physical activity… just being stuck in some AI resort that could be anywhere is about as far away from what you’d normally enjoy as possible IMO.

I’ve tried it - wasn’t for me.

We have found staying in smaller / local hotels, still doing the sightseeing but just at a different pace, going out to eat in restaurants but a bit earlier, more towards spending time on the beaches vs in the bars etc.

Means I still come away feeling like I’ve explored and experienced that place, not just ‘went somewhere hotter for a week’.

I think you both have to accept that the format of holidays needs to change when you have a small DC. Having one base for example makes a huge difference, then do some sightseeing around that but also relax and enjoy the local countryside and try to enjoy the slower pace of life as much as you can with a babies schedule. Also remember both of you will be tired in a different way than pre DC, it’s relentless working and looking after a small baby so you will both be more exhausted than before.

Your instinct of choosing one base at a Greek Island would have worked much better, but even Puglia would have been enjoyable if you had picked one base - possibly near a train station if you didn’t want to drive. Couple of days of sightseeing which would necessitate your DP getting up early, but local exploring the rest of the time, sinking into leisurely meals and wandering. Italians love babies so you don’t need to worry about being in the way.

Like you both, pre baby we loved exploring the world and as neither of us are beach people, we would have packed itineraries. It just didn’t work with a small DC so we adapted and went for easy holidays instead but in locations with things to do like Dordogne and ok we did get a bit of a penchant for the Canaries.
As DS got older we did more adventurous trips which he enjoyed and now he is at uni we did a packed holiday just the two of us to Costa Rica - self planned by me, there was indeed a spreadsheet.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with this if it suits the two of you however I voted YABU because I think it’s important to have family holidays with your child as well. Me and my dh have taken separate holidays occasionally but holiday together with our child as well.
that holiday sounds full on with a 6 month old and too much moving around. It’s hard enough without the stress of moving around when you get there.

You two sound like you thought your lives wouldn't change at all after a baby.

Donning my hard hat here, but have you considered it might not be in your daughter's best interests to have a week without one parent at 8 months old and a week without the other at 10 months old? Have you thought about the fact that she will really miss each of you and not understand that you are coming back?

Sounds like (if there’s anytime left in the holiday) that you need to mix it up and change things around. Why would you not do the travelling bit during the siesta period. It makes no sense to travel in the mornings and be stuck somewhere in an afternoon. I would have lunch then set off to the next destination. We’ve also travelled quite a lot around Italy with kids and our format would always be up and out around 9 to do our sightseeing, lunch about 1pm then back to our accommodation for a rest/relax by the pool. So I’d chat to partner try and get him up earlier and suggest he has a nap in the afternoon. Baby is probably still napping too so you could rest together? It is definitely easier to stay in one place when you add kids in. When we travelled Italy we tended to pick a base and find a place a day within an hours drive to visit. We might then add a few days in a bigger city at the end.

I (also a Copenhagener! Hej!) have spent a lot of time in Puglia in the last 2 years and it’s an absolutely gorgeous place but you either need to be up early or out late to see places (if you want to)as they do close between 1-4/5 religiously (which if course many other places do to but generally EVERYTHING does) and you find yourself in and out of the car constantly popping from one town to the next. Our last trip we WAY over estimated how much we could do as Puglia Pros 😂and came back needing another holiday!

I don’t think only separate holidays is the answer, I think you both just need to adjust your expectations and slow down, holidays that were perfect a year ago now involve a baby…which changes things.

Having just visited Bratislava and Vienna in a weekend trip, I do appreciate the packed itinerary is worth it. However, you need to build in family time. I'd suggest staying in one hotel and take tours. That's a lot less stress than packed days plus needing to travel.

I think you need to compromise a little, you have a child and husband and honestly you should spend some of your holiday time together.

You have a baby now and you are a family, it is a big chsnge

it was extremely unrealistic to expect not to have to make any changes to your life 🥺

yes, obviously, holidaying separate if you must

not ideal for a relationship though, maybe?

i don’t know. Maybe I am just old , but DH and I travelled a lot before we had kids) and just had to learn to adapt. Only now our kids are in their 20s are we back to living how we lived in our 20s ourselves 😁

we had 20 years of different kind of holidays, we had a few sight seeing trips with the kids since they were teens, but only really back to our pre-kids life in our 50s. Holidays with kids can be fun, you just need to change your expectations maybe

I haven’t read all the replies so maybe repeating but to me what you are saying doesn’t make sense. I expected you to said, DH loved the holiday but it isn’t working for you or DD but he is hating it too by the sounds of it, so you need to rethink the holidays completely rather than just holiday separately.

Nothing wrong with individual trips as well, but I can’t imagine just not taking my child on holiday for several years whilst me & DH have separate trips.

You need to work out the plus points of trips you’ve taken and then research a trip better. Moving hotels every day with a baby / young child was never going to be ideal. You don’t need to lay by the beach to avoid moving hotels.

Oh dear. I think you are all just tired and disappointed and being a bit dramatic. You made a mistake with the holiday. At time of booking sounds like you underestimated how knackered you would be as new parents and forgot that you aren't quite the same people any more. Call it Rookie Parent error and chalk it up to experience. Holidays change with little ones. You have a whole other person to factor in terms of tiredness heat, car sickness, food tolerance, interests etc. Rushing around like you have been just doesn't work.
There are a few years where you are better off based in a good apartment or house with air con, a pool or beach and just chilling having ice creams with the odd pootle trip to a town or somewhere interesting.
Probably not as exciting as you are used to but I look back now and I love those memories. You can take so much joy in your children having the best time. They are only little for such a short time. I am at the stage now where I am wondering how many holidays until she doesn't want to come with us any more and is off on her own adventures. Holidays are precious.
I will add that once DC got a bit older we have taken them to various destinations in Europe, NZ and Singapore so we've traveled plenty but just approached it a bit more age appropriately.

It seems a bit nuclear to decide on this hol that you will eliminate family holidays from now on.

Learn and adapt.

Talk, consider.

We had some disastrous hols with a toddler.

Self catering often works best.

And there’s nothing wrong with just chilling for a good portion of a holiday.

He sounds tired out, you sound high pressure.

Perhaps, but my partner currently has to travel every other month for work abroad, and so do I a couple of times a year, so it’s not all that different. One week a year doesn’t seem much in comparison. I can’t ask him to quit his job, nor do I want to quit mine.

But honestly, we’ve loved being parents so far. Life has certainly changed, but mainly for the better. We tried to conceive her for years, so it’s not been a shock to the system. She’s very much wanted and loved.

My DC are teens/young adults now, but we like the kinds of holidays you seem to like. We found the following worked best at the different ages:
0-5: beach in the UK, but in an interesting place - we like castles/history, so found South Wales & Northumberland the best. It sounds more mundane, but honestly, the new/exciting thing is watching your own child feel sand between their feet for the first time, playing in the little waves at the edge of the sea etc.
5-11: Euorcamps in France, we particularly loved one in the Jura mountains, next to a beautiful lake, where we canoed, played tennis, did those tree tops assault course things, drove into Switzerland, visited castles etc. Stopped off at WW1 sites on the way.
11-18 (and beyond): you can go back to adventurous long-hauls at this age! We've done a road-trip in the South-West of the US, toured Japan, and we're going on safari this year, probably Canada next year, but go with where they fancy really by this age, if you can afford it.

Any age: cruises - we've done 3 cruises, across all the above age spans, and they've always been good, especially the higher end ones (Celebrity is my fav). You don't have to keep moving hotels to see new places, they have kids clubs on site, 24 hour food/drinks, and you get to see all sorts of different and amazing places. Our Mediterranean and Baltic cruises were the best.

As your child gets older a lot could be gained by staying at a centre park or similar and travel out to see the area. It sounds like you need to take your child into consideration more than you both have this holiday. I think you need to sit down and plan for holidays that are similar. To me you have both been very unreasonable with expectations. I would imagine your child would prefer a holiday with both of you there. I agree with other posters that joint holidays are the way forward. It seems that both of you didn't take on board the impact of having a baby had.

I am with him to the extent that I think it would be a shame never to holiday together. Though it sounds like he had ridiculous expectations for a holiday with a baby and he should have got up earlier.

I would just make family holidays focused on family activities. Young children would gain more from activities aimed at them.

It’s hard OP, but we do some things separately, like city breaks with my sisters or friends to sight see.

Funnily enough I had never stayed in a static caravan pre kids…. I genuinely enjoy them now as they’re so convenient and the kids love the pool and parks etc.

Yes, I agree with this. Or at least a mini-suite (not the more extravagant ones) where you can let your baby sleep while you take a nap in the sun. Or go for a shorter time but have 2 rooms (with interconnecting doors).

There are lots of nice places with pools that are not like AI places if you look for them. And as you can go outside of school holidays prices won't be as crazy as when they go to school.

Have to admit, I'm the main holiday planner and I'd always build in plenty of chill and naps for our kids when they were younger, and we loved spending time with them and didn't really have the bandwidth or desire to venture too far from 'base'.

Then, when youngest was around 4/5 we started doing city holidays. Again, though, with a very dialled back itinerary and always somewhere where there was a pool.

Now our children are 19/16 and you can have amazing holidays together. I still don't go with crazy itineraries as personally I feel you sometimes have to 'go slow' to truly experience a place and its people.

Good luck with it all.

I remember going to Mallorca with mine at 3yrs and 4 months. My DH was shocked when I said I wished I’d stayed at home. It was just too much with potty training (WHY?), feeding, naps, forced later nights. We are off to the Arctic this summer…. kids grow up quickly, it will change!

So your argument is that, since your baby already spends a lot of time apart from one of her parents through necessity, she should spend even more time without one of her parents through parental choice? Can you not see that you and your husband are prioritising your own wants over your baby's needs? I'm sorry, but I just think this is incredibly selfish.
Work trips are necessary; holidays without your baby are not.

Also, I'm pissing myself laughing at the fact that your husband wanted to sleep in until 10am. I would love to sleep in until 10am on holiday, but I can't. Do you know why? Because I have a young child. As does your husband. His wants, and yours, are no longer paramount. Your child needs to come first.

I’m afraid I suspect you may both need a bit of a wake-up call.
I think we all had naive and lofty aspirations that having a kid wouldn’t change us. That WE would be ‘have baby will travel’.

The reality is that life with little ones - for most of us, anyway - is hugely demanding. Holidays, necessarily become much less about charging about, packing it in, seeing the sights, and more about rest and relaxation somewhere beautiful. It’s also grim for a poor baby to spend hours and hours and hours stuck in a wet nappy in a car seat.
For us, holidays became less about seeing stuff and more about just being together, somewhere lovely, and being a part of our children’s enjoyment of the experiences - simple pleasure like (older than your baby, obviously) teaching them to build sandcastles, jumping over little waves together etc. THAT was the purpose of the holiday. As they got older, teaching them to dive in the pool, encouraging them to order their hot chocolate or lemonade in the local language.
How about you and your husband plan a family week on a beach somewhere warm and lovely for R&R and simple family pleasures. Make it all about your child/ children. Make a separate budget for a separate ‘his trip’ and ‘her trip’ to go away for a few days - either solo or with a mate - eg for a city break.

It’s not forever - it’s just softening into the reality that right now it’s not all about him/you anymore. Life has changed. When your kids are a bit older you can take them to really interesting places and introduce them to all the architecture and history, culture and food and enjoy seeing it s through their eyes.

I think you are absolutely right to have a week away solo as hes going to be away at a music festival but don't totally give up on a family holiday in future, it does get easier and you can plan more accordingly.

Me and DH have family holidays where we all go, separate trips alone, and I often do girls trips just with DD: she's 11 now and much easier to travel with.

Do whatever works for you.

We never did AI until we had ds, we still hire a car get out and see things but AI means there are relaxing days in between, always beach side , we always look for a suite or accommodation where DS has his own bedroom. He's six now and we're off on a city break later this year with him, but we're also in Crete for two weeks over the summer AI, car hire is booked and he enjoys history so we will do spinalonga, Knossos, lassithi plateau, crissi island and lots of other things but if we get up one day and he's tired and wants to play on the beach we have that too, we will go out for dinner but if he wants to eat at the hotel and watch the entertainment one night we have the option.

Our holidays used to be really full on, we travelled across Mexico and South America, we drove across part of Africa, did Vietnam and Cambodia etc but we've had to accept that holidays are no longer a top gear challenge for a while. We do do a city break 3 nights each year without ds, he stays with grandparents and is really good to be in an adult focused holiday together.

Given that explanation. Your being reasonable. So he wants a relaxing trip but wants you to do the care.....Yeah I would be going out to breakfast myself when bub wakes and he can join you where you are. I would stop waiting on him to get up.

All sounds a bit knee jerk, your partner is tired this trip so let's go our own ways for the next. What was the urgency in needing to book right now, it sounds like you are both still away. It also sounds as if the love of a hectic holiday outstrips the love for spending time just being together. In saying that no I wouldn't be sitting in a room waiting for him to wake up 4 hrs later.

A lot changes in the development of a baby on the next few months and parenting as kids get older can be divisive be careful you aren't moving towards being too independent to each other.