To take separate holidays from now on

[Copenhagener]

I’ve always travelled a lot - sometimes with my partner and also solo. We prefer busy itineraries and lots of sightseeing rather than chilling out at the pool.

We now have a 6 month old daughter. Just took her on her first trip to Puglia in Italy with my partner and it’s been underwhelming. His choice of destination.

Our daughter has been great, sleeping through the night and excited by the surroundings which was a pleasant surprise - but the itinerary was too full on (4 hotels, driving every day to new spots, meals out) and he’s quite annoyed by how unrelaxing it is.

There’s the 1-5pm siesta, which doesn’t help with flexibility. He’s now saying he’s sick and grumpy and tired and just wants to chill. I’ve cancelled the last hotel so we can stay in place, but I feel his expectations were unrealistic. I also offered him the chance to fly home early but he didn’t want to.

I’ve told him that in future I’d prefer we holiday separately (at least until daughter is older) as this trip felt like hard work and I’ve not enjoyed it much. I booked a solo trip to northern Greece in September and will take a week off while he stays home with daughter. He’s off to a music festival for a week in July so I feel it’s fair. He says he’s sad we won’t holiday as a family in future, but has barely cracked a smile the whole time we’ve been here.

Am I being unreasonable to take family trips off the table for the next few years and go solo?

Being a parent to a small child means being adaptable, so of course holidays will not be the same. You're being unreasonable to have expected otherwise. It will be that way for a very long time, probably into the teenage years as children typically want to have their version of fun as well as yours. Think only half the time spent sightseeing as opposed to most of it, and being in the pool/sea instead for the rest.
As someone who was obsessed with travelling but now has grown up children, one of the main pleasures of a holiday became seeing the children enjoy new places/cultures rather than solely about what I got from it. There isn't anything wrong with holidaying on your own, but it shouldn't be at the expense of going as a family as well, especially when she is a bit older.

Well it seems your young child made the most of it and enjoyed the new experience. That’s wonderful. It would be sad to scupper that.
And I think it couldn’t really have been the destination that was underwhelming.

Your expectations were off….at least your DH’s were. Was he really feeling ill or just miffed that things were different and couldn’t just suit himself any more.
Holidaying with a child IS different, of course it is.

It seems neither of you are willing to give up the child-free holidays. That’s fine if you can make it work without detriment to your little one.
We are all different but personally, I would prefer to find the flexibility needed in order to stay with my child at precious holiday times. Family time is more important than you realise.

You are both being unreasonable. Get your expectations in check and slap a smile on and get on with it. Your poor daughter.

Having kids changes your life, and that includes your holidays. You can’t go back to the kind of holiday you had before, at least not for many years. Even if your child grows up to be an intrepid adventurer, it’ll be a while before she tolerates an adult-style intensive sightseeing trip.

You have a choice - either separate holidays as you suggest, with one of you staying at home with your daughter. Or you adjust your holiday plans and expectations, fitting the schedule around your daughter’s hours and interests.

I think many of us have the “my child won’t change me” attitude before we have kids, but it’s a fantasy. Of course things change. Life will never be the same again. That’s not a bad thing, but it requires adjustment.

We've holidayed every year with all our children since they were very small and have never had a bad holiday.

You have to change your holiday to suit everyone. Holidays pre kids are completely different. You'll get a few years doing one type of holiday and a few years doing another type. What is important is that there something for everyone to enjoy, of course there'll be things one doesn't like and that's why it's important to try arrange a holiday that includes something each person likes.

You are going to get the years where kids will just enjoy hotels with pools and local entertainment and yes sitting at a pool is and can be boring, we use to arrange day trips to break it up and do something different. Kids change preferences as they get older and you can start doing different holidays when that happens

Getting up at 10am is a waste of a morning, it's fine if there's no kids and late nights, but when kids come along you have to change to suit them and get up earlier have breakfast and plan your day ahead.

There are so many Countries out there with so much to offer that you should find somewhere that ticks everyone's boxes.

We did the years of self catering apartments, going to pool or beach, day trips, going out in the evening etc then the hotels that were all inclusive and then we got to the stage that Florida was suitable for everyone and have done there for years as everyone enjoys it and you can be as active or not as you want.

You ate both bring unreasonable. I know you say you love being parents and it's not a "shock to the system" but it really sounds as if the change has been, you sound like you both just thought a baby would fit in with your life, including your holidays and now you have seen the reality. Separate holidays isn't the answer either!

Surprised to see the voting go the way it is, I think separate holidays is genius!

Each of you will get a true chance to relax and unwind in turn. Your DD at this young age won’t remember or really benefit from being abroad anyway.

Once she’s older, maybe 4 or 5 years old, I think family holidays abroad could go back on the table, and you will build lovely memories together.

But solo breaks during the baby and toddling years sound perfectly reasonable to me!

With due respect at that age as long as they are with a trusted caregiver and their needs are met, a 8 month old won't notice the difference.

You had one - one! - trip that was a bit knackering, and from that you’ve decided you’re not having any more holidays together? Bit of an overreaction, no?

You must have realised when you had a baby that it would mean adapting a little bit, surely.

If having a family holiday is so bad you are contemplating never having a family holiday again then it really does seem like you have bigger problems than holidays. This doesn’t seem like a happy content family unit, mucking in and sharing the fun and yes also the boring stuff, you seem like you are approaching it like work colleagues checking off the division of tasks, just seems so joyless and unnecessary.

I can never understand the middle class vibe of living separate lives - it’s all so transactional, oh you have a week solo holiday then I will too … like you’re both so insecure that you need to prove you are “equal” partners by mirroring each other.

Your dh was a bit of an idiot for thinking that sort of holiday would work with a baby

when you have children everything comes with compromise and he doesn’t seem to have Twigged that yet

before kids we used to do full on busy active/sightseeing holidays. We’ll do that again one day. These days it works best to stay in a hotel resort for a week but we still hire a car and get out and about a bit.

He can’t just opt out of parenting! He still needs to get up at 7 unwell or not - you have BOTH been working

It all sound alike a bit of you over adapting to his needs all the time - instead of dog you BOTH adapting to child’s needs

I think giving up on family holidays is an over reaction.

By all means keep your solo holidays for your own enjoyment (each of you) if you can afford it, but don’t abandon the family holidays. Just make those ones focussed on your daughter, and the sort of holiday that appeals to/ works for children.

DD is a teenager now, and we’ve been able to have adventurous holidays together for a while - we went to Japan last year, planning to go to Vietnam and Cambodia next year. We didn’t take her abroad as a baby apart from an absolutely disastrous trip to Hamburg to visit friends where we all got a horrible stomach bug.

When she was a toddler and in the early years of primary, we used to do European city breaks - nice hotel or more often an apartment, somewhere with good public transport and nice but relaxed restaurants, and we did a mix of taking her to things she would like (playgrounds, boat trips, tram rides) and museums and galleries that we wanted to see. If there was something one of us really wanted to spend proper time on, the other took DD for a few hours. In Amsterdam I spent half a day solo at the Rijksmuseum (just after it reopened) and DH took DD for a walk around the canals to look at the boats.

We never went in very hot weather, we tended to travel in spring or autumn, and that made it easier.

It was sometimes quite hard work, but I think we got it about right- and it cheers me up a lot now that she still positively chooses to come to churches and museums with us. She has a spreadsheet of places she wants to go between now and leaving school, and it’s a bit sad how short the time is getting.

That seems like a pretty drastic option. Bad holidays happen with or without a child and by the sound of it, the child hasn't been a big issue.

I think the occasional holiday abroad separately, to indulge your own interests, is no harm. But it shouldn't become the norm. You're a family now and you need to factor that into your holiday planning. Sounds like you tried to do that, but your DH was reluctant to change anything, and then whined when things didn't go to plan. Also, when your DD gets a bit older, she will understand what holidays are, and will complain loudly and incessantly that you're not bringing her.

I love sightseeing and a week by the beach or pool would be deathly boring for me. The odd day, fine, but not all week. We found Eurocamp style places worked really well when DD was small. We booked one near Venice which was a big hit with us all. It catered really well for families. There was a beach. There were a couple of pools, one with a pirate ship and a slide. There was a playground. There were even pony rides. There was a fairground nearby with little rides for kids. There was entertainment at night, although the commentary was all in Italian, so we couldn't follow it.

For us adults, we could go by boat into Venice and explore the nearby islands of Burano and Murano.

We stayed in a chalet, which allowed us a bit of independence. We could make basic things to eat (breakfast, sandwiches etc.). There was a coffee machine, so we could make decent coffee whenever we wanted. We could have drinks on the balcony when DD had gone to bed and get savaged by mosquitos.

We had a ball and went back a second time, to a different campsite nearby.

DH (now Ex) and I both worked, so holidays were as much about spending time with our DD and having the time to do things with her, as they were about sightseeing. Simple things like colouring with her, doing little jigsaws, making sandcastles on the beach, collecting seashells, drawing pictures in the sand with a stick, checking out any toy shops we came across and treating her to something new. At six months old, your DD isn't very active, but that will change. And when she's able to speak, she's liable to complain loudly and incessantly when the things you've planned are boring.

I've just asked DD what she remembers about the two Italian holidays and her memories all seem to revolve around food - the cookie she got on the aeroplane, the apple flavoured lollipop, the Minnie Mouse ice cream etc. .

In case I'm starting to sound like Mary Poppins, we still got lots of things wrong and ended up frustrated over one thing or another. For example:-

• We slept it out the day we were due to to go to the airport. Luckily, FIL was driving us to the airport and rang our doorbell at the appointed time. In our haste to get dressed and grab our cases and leave the house, we forgot Ted. Ted was DD's constant companion and the toy she slept with every night. Never forget Ted! We had barely arrived at the airport when we discovered Ted was missing. That was fun.

• DD was so excited about the holiday that she puked at the airport.

• DD was having so much fun on the beach one day that we decided to forego her nap. I mean, we're on holiday and routines can go out the window, right? Except the tiredness caught up with her and she ended up having the mother of all meltdowns. Right there on the beach, with all of the families around staring at us like we were the worst parents in the world.

• On our first beach holiday abroad, DD was very nervous of the waves. It had never occurred to me that a child might be nervous of the waves/sea. I'm not talking about swimming, just paddling at the water's edge. She would only go into the water if we were holding her up in our arms. Would you believe it, on the very last day of our holiday, she suddenly took to the water and was blissfully happy running in and out of the waves (with me right beside her, obviously). But this only happened on the very last day.

• The day we were heading into Venice, I put sun cream on DD as usual. Except I got a tiny bit in her eye. My own fault, obviously. So DD spent the first half of our day in Venice complaining that her eye was stinging her. Why did it have to happen the day we went to Venice and not one of the other days when we were just hanging around the beach and pool?

• Canals = still water = mosquitos. When DD went back to the creche after her holiday, she told the staff all about the nasty mossies and how they bit her and I'm surprised we weren't reported to child services.

I've digressed a bit. I think it's unfair that your DH had a lie on every morning. Fine to have the odd lie on if he was tired, but you should have had your turn too. And it obviously impacted the holiday because it meant your activity time was limited due to the extended siesta locally. Why is he so tired? Is it work/stress? Something medical? Is he coming down with something?

A final word. My DD is now 20 and her holidays revolve around her boyfriend and music festivals with her friends. Which is exactly how life should be when you're 20. But I find myself looking back with nostalgia at those simple family holidays.

Maybe start a thread on the Travel board and ask for recommendations for holiday destinations which are good for families but also good for exploring/sightseeing.

So he wanted the kind of holiday you'd usually have, but work has him exhausted and now he's feeling ill. And your response is "I'm going on holiday alone in future".

I know this can be a hard time in marriage with a new baby, and the expectations were up for holiday to be perfect because its your first and also to show you can have a baby and still do it all etc., and it's fallen flat. But your response is just bizarre.
Let him sleep til 10, go out and get something to eat and bring him something back. Get supplies and go out for walks or come home and nap during the siesta. Get some books and chill. If he wants to rest and baby isn't breast fed, leave them both home and go for a walk. Treat him how you'd like to be treated if you got on holiday and then realised you're knackered and ill.

Don't punish him by refusing to Lego on holiday with him again for goodness sake.

Having said that there's nothing wrong with having time away for yourself, it's the punishment element because he's disappointed / failed you I take exception with

Now that you are 3 people instead of 2 people you need to make your holidays suit all 3 of you.
Change your expectations and think more about what kind of holidays work for your child depending on each stage of her life.

We always took the kids away in UK when they were young - i couldn't be dealing with planes and time differences, even though many of my friends did. The holiday never felt relaxing as you were always 'on' as a parent.
We would have an adult only holiday every other year and some weekend couples breaks too.
Now mine are older teens, we are going for a massive holiday in Canada which will have something for everyone, changinglocation every few days!

Interesting some people think it’s best not to travel or take holidays with young children. IME if a holiday house or flat is within easy walk of local life (shops, cafes, bars, playgrounds etc), it’s much easier with young kids. If you take a pushchair with shade, they’re very portable (they can crash out in it day or evening) and they’re generally happy doing whatever you want to do, as long as it’s relaxed.

It’s older kids who are trickier. They generally want good Wi-Fi, have opinions on what they want to do, nag for stuff, moan they don’t want to sightsee (or go anywhere without Wi-Fi) and if they get tired and emotional, the only option is to go home.

IME, the best holiday routine is a chilled morning, breakfast in the house, those who want to can have a lie in, those who want to can go for a stroll and get a coffee/pastry, pick up a few bits of shopping, sit in the sun at the house, kids play etc. Then, head out to the beach with a packed lunch (sandwiches, fruit, crisps, bottles of water etc) for around 1-2pm. Spend all afternoon there until 6-7pm (best part of the day and when locals usually go). Tireder kids/adults can sleep in the shade.

Then, back home for the evening, so everyone can shower, chill etc. Either make a simple dinner (e.g. pan fried fish with salad and bread) or pop out for an evening stroll dinner/drink.

Intersperse with the odd bigger day out: to see sights, go to a water park, go on a boat trip etc. But always have chill days in between. IMHO travelling isn’t only seeing sights, it’s experiencing local life by having a wander, buying local food and going with the flow. It’s great to meet local people via your kids (e.g. in playgrounds or on the beach).

But you also need to have a rest otherwise you come home needing a holiday!

Agreed! What ab overreaction!

Having children changes the types of holidays you go on - we went to Spain when DS was 8 last year, and all he wanted to do was splash around in the pool and make friends.

By all means go on separate trips - but weeks away from your young baby almost seems like you are both making sure you have the same amount of time away. Your trip to Greece sounds like a response to your partner going to a festival.

Life is more give and take - take beach or caravan park holidays with your child and let them enjoy themselves

I mean - wanting to sleep til 10 when you have a tiny baby who wakes early is just laughably unrealistic.

we all want to sleep til 10! but he is acting like he doesn't have a child.

I think you need to go self catering (always better with kids_ and just really accept things are different.

As she gets older ( i remember it being about 3) - she will actually enjoy holidays/ swimming/ being excited to travel. But before that, yep same shit different place.

Also, I think we can have unrealistic expectations of holidays (this can apply generally, not just when we have a child), because we've saved all year for them and looked forward to them all year etc. It can be a real let down when they don't live up to our expectations.

It's your first holiday with a baby, there are bound to be mistakes! Just learn from it and plan different holidays in future? It'll be such a shame to bin off family holidays just because of one bad experience.