To take separate holidays from now on

[Copenhagener]

I’ve always travelled a lot - sometimes with my partner and also solo. We prefer busy itineraries and lots of sightseeing rather than chilling out at the pool.

We now have a 6 month old daughter. Just took her on her first trip to Puglia in Italy with my partner and it’s been underwhelming. His choice of destination.

Our daughter has been great, sleeping through the night and excited by the surroundings which was a pleasant surprise - but the itinerary was too full on (4 hotels, driving every day to new spots, meals out) and he’s quite annoyed by how unrelaxing it is.

There’s the 1-5pm siesta, which doesn’t help with flexibility. He’s now saying he’s sick and grumpy and tired and just wants to chill. I’ve cancelled the last hotel so we can stay in place, but I feel his expectations were unrealistic. I also offered him the chance to fly home early but he didn’t want to.

I’ve told him that in future I’d prefer we holiday separately (at least until daughter is older) as this trip felt like hard work and I’ve not enjoyed it much. I booked a solo trip to northern Greece in September and will take a week off while he stays home with daughter. He’s off to a music festival for a week in July so I feel it’s fair. He says he’s sad we won’t holiday as a family in future, but has barely cracked a smile the whole time we’ve been here.

Am I being unreasonable to take family trips off the table for the next few years and go solo?

Your partner has been an arse. He should admit that so you can move on and book holidays that you can enjoy together in future.

I would be brutal with him and say that the only holiday that involves him being able to sleep until 10am every morning is one with a crèche or kids' club. Because it's your holiday too and you're not there in the capacity of paid nanny.

I think it's a bit unreasonable to holiday alone for the next few years (when you'd both rather be together) just because of one bad experience. He was clearly clueless to think that type of active holiday would be relaxing, especially with a child; and he didn't pick the right destination if siestas irritate him. And I think you were a bit crazy to just go along with him, when you knew it wouldn't work.

Now you both know what doesn't work, you'll plan better next time. It doesn't even have to be a single destination, but driving to new places every day is a bit much. When your child is still a baby, pick a destination that, generally, is child-friendly, has good healthcare should the need arise, and the babycare products you like are readily available in the supermarket. He also needs to recognise that he doesn't get to sleep in every single day, now that you have a baby. He gets 1 day, then the next he gets up at 6am with the baby and you rest (or you all go out together, if you prefer). You just need to talk more about practicalities and realities and expectations of each other.

The child will be fine with one parent gone for a week at that age. Ours was left with GPs for 4 days at that age and was absolutely fine

Going away with young kids is just same shit, different pot.

We ended up going places on the car, which could be loaded to the ginnels with all the crap we needed. And there was certainly no lie ins until 10am - surely he doesn't get that at home - what's going to be different on holiday?

We tried to conceive her for years, so it’s not been a shock to the system. She’s very much wanted and loved.

Even with much wanted and loved children it can be a shock to realise how much your life changes. It’s not about what you want and prefer, travelling with a child is different, your needs are also different because life is full on and holidays become about spending time together and getting some rest from the daily grind. A city break with a small child is hard work, and not really about seeing all the sights that you did pre-children.

It would be a shame to not have a family holiday - when you spent time together without the pressures of work and home.

I think though that work is a necessity and holidaying is not. You might well find that you would struggle to enjoy a holiday when you've left your baby at home. You might want to see her enjoying new experiences.

Sounds like he wanted his holiday and hasn’t considered you.
I think separate trips while your child is small is actually a good idea, if you actually want have a ‘holiday’. You can take your child to the seaside or family hotel until she’s old enough to get on trains etc easily b

You need to look at hotels with childcare built in.

For a young baby there is Sonnewies in the Dolomites, Nielsen and Mark Warner in Greece and Turkey. All are activity holidays.

denying your child family holidays or any holidays at all because it’s tricky / doesn’t fit in with your previous holiday expectations seems wildly selfish and lazy to me personally. Just because something is hard doesn’t mean you stop doing it - you keep going, adapt and adjust.

and I say this with three young kids under four who I’ve been in multiple holidays with.

Before becoming parents our holidays were very active - think long overnight treks, multi-stop city breaks. Basically I wanted to cram as much as I could into holidays and feel exhilarated and exhausted when we got home.
Fast forward to two children, we went (rather reluctantly) on a Mediterranean all inclusive holiday AND I LOVED IT! Kids get to splash and swim in the pools, play on the beach, all meals are healthy and prepared for you. From one adventurer to another, really do take the time to relax and enjoy being in each others company. Sightseeing will come when children are older. Our next one is coming up and I’ve already got the cases out 😂

I couldn’t go on holiday alone. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself without my family.

We took our son (then 18 months) on a similar trip across Emilia-Romagna but my husband and I were both on the same page in regards to expectations as to when we’d be getting up. We also factored in a few quieter days in our ‘hub’ city of Bologna so that our son could have proper naps instead of buggy naps for a change.

I think being in agreement on how things will work and having a few quieter days/afternoons are key to a successful holiday with kids.

We are a go-go-go family too but have learnt we can enjoy a beach afternoon or two alongside our museums and historical sites. It’s still OUR idea of what a holiday is though (history and good food as a focus)! We haven’t had to force ourselves to stay at AI places or include visits to splash parks etc.

I certainly wouldn’t write off holidays with your child in the future based on this one experience.

So all the more reason to have family holiday time. Honestly; if you cannot compromise on a holiday which will work as a family, you have much bigger problems than the vacation

Forgive me, but I don't think the people who left their babies to go on holiday are the best judges of whether or not that had any negative impact on their babies, whether that be long-term or short-term. You need to believe it was fine, otherwise you'd be admitting you did something that wasn't in your baby's best interests.

After a disastrous trip abroad we switched to uk caravan parks with loads to do on site and around the area. It was really relaxing to just chuck stuff in the car and have living space. Now dd is 13 she loves going abroad and really appreciates it. Your sulky dh needs to adjust his expectations and get involved with arrangements. I can see why you're pissed off but don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Family holidays are important for kids especially as they get older but compromise gets more important too as they find their voice and start moving!

Both of you are unreasonable to think that a holiday with a baby would be anything like a holiday. It’s the same hard stuff you do every day as a parent, only in a different place and often made harder because you don’t have the same equipment and routine as at home. We didn’t take any significant trips other than a week somewhere in the UK when ours were very young as it wasn’t worth the hassle.
I think it would be a terrible shame not to spend any holiday time together for the next few years though. Your husband needs to adjust his expectations - did he really expect life to carry on as before when he decided to have children?!

Tricky! We now do holidays where DW can go hiking for the day while I entertain DD at a beach / pool etc. I then take the odd long weekend alone with friends.

Its a big change holidaying with kids! And stuff we like such as city breaks have not worked out.

Having no family holidays whilst your child is young is pretty miserable. You both have to be be prepared to prioritise the needs of the child for these holidays to work. Try a weekend somewhere in the UK. Make it no more than 2-3 hours from where you live. Go on walks, have picnics, explore. Young children love those holidays more than anything else.

I wouldn't make an extreme decision on the basis of one bad holiday where it sounds like you were trying to do a bit too much and your husband has been unwell.

By all means go on your own holidays but also go as a family. It may be that for a few years those holidays look a bit different times the ones you are used to, but you can reframe it as doing things you otherwise may never have done e.g. toddlers love somewhere where they can explore nature. Ours were really thrilled to discover little tadpoles/froglets in rivers in the Alps and on dartmoor. Simple seaside holidays where you can catch little boats - the south coast is excellent for this - Dartmouth, Falmouth, Plymouth. Eat ice creams and do some crabbing. As kids get older you can visit incredible museums or go to theme parks like disney/efteling. Centre Parcs and kinder hotels are good. Or if you want to relax book a villa with a pool, so you can have some days out exploring the nearby area and other chilled out days at home . Eat out from a young age and with luck they will be adventurous- toddlers will happily try mussels if you are eating them as the shells are fun!

Separate holidays with no family holidays was a start and an end to my marriage. After a couple of years of no shared memories I just started to resent it.

When I became a single parent to two we still had holidays but did things like Eurocamp where we had our own chalet but still had things like water parks and entertainment in the evening. I drove over to France so we had the car for day trips. These holidays were nothing like my younger days of travelling the world but I’m proud that I was able to give my kids those holidays and we genuinely loved them.

For me your expectations are wrong and you’re carrying on like nothing has changed. When it obviously not going to plan, instead of looking for holidays that work around children your trying to work out how you can keep your holiday standards which seems to amount to leaving your child at home with your partner. I couldn’t do this. I do have holidays with friends but only if we have a family holiday too.

There are a few years where you are better off based in a good apartment or house with air con, a pool or beach and just chilling having ice creams with the odd pootle trip to a town or somewhere interesting.

This. Which is probably big AI inclusives in Spain and the Canaries are so popular!

I feel like that during, and for about 6 months after every holiday with children.

I'm not sure going separately will be necessary (if that's not what you want). You say the multi-centre structure was his idea originally and you had a simpler itinerary in mind. Now he's experienced the practicalities of it and he seems to be finding it particularly hard you may find you actually align on your preferences for future holidays. It's really hard when holidays don't go to plan but it sounds like your DD has had a perfectly good time (which is a win for your first holiday!) so regroup and when you're back home have a chat about what will suit you all better next time.

Holidays with babies are rarely relaxing, and if you take them abroad the sheer volume of stuff you need to take is unbelievable. We tried it a couple of times when ours were small but then decided it was too much stress and holidayed in this country until they were 8/9 when we first took them skiing, which they loved.

I don’t think having separate holidays is necessarily a bad thing, but it shouldn’t in my opinion become the norm, because you do need to holiday together as a family. This will become easier as your child grows. There are lots of adjustments to be made once children arrive, but it isn’t forever.

Yeah your mistake was moving around lots with a baby. We did a holiday like that when daughter was 9 months and it was a nightmare. Too much moving around, packing and unpacking was such a hassle. Food on the go was annoying.

Then if baby has a bad night and you had to travel the next day was a struggle. Just plan holiday and stay in one place that you can say trips from but also have plenty to do in the area.

YABU to expect to replicate an adult holiday with a baby or a child in general.

Holidays with kids are great, from very little, but you organise them around the kids and everybody is happy. It doesn't mean you stay around a pool all day, every day, it's boring for the kids and the parents!

It means you factor the time they wake realistically wake up, the time they need to eat, what actually is in there for them - you don't drive 8 hours a day with a child in the back and so on.

I find it much easier to go on holiday with my children than staying home, since their first months, but it's not a case of planning your normal holidays and adding the kid on top.

You can have trips alone, there are plenty of weekends away and days out you can have together. It would be sad if you only stayed home as a couple and family.

DH was rather foolish in requesting the same kind of very busy sight seeing trip as you enjoyed pre DC.

I think it’s fine to have some separate holidays but couldn’t you still have a family holiday somewhere more suitable?

I am a culture vulture, so my holidays when the DC were little included Valletta, Rhodes Town, Croatia, Bari. We stayed in one hotel, but there was a good mix of things to do, and we all felt like we had a holiday. My suggestions might look shite to you, but surely you can come up with something that would work for you?