To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

I think everyone sounds a bit stressed about the competition, your daughter especially. I think you'll regret it if you pull her out although she does need to sincerely apologise to her brother and to you.

Oh god, do NOT cancel the dance comp. Find another punishment.

What do you mean by "he's not easy"? Is she always just having to put up with him ruining her stuff?

I think you're absolutely going too far by not letting her compete in something really important to her, that she's trained for, over a mean comment to her brother. It's way over the top as a punishment.

YABU. I would be upset if he ruined my outfit too.

It’s too far. She’s only a child and she was obviously very upset and quite stressed about tomorrow. You need to have a chat with her about how she feels about her brother, and to say you didn’t mean it.

Apart from anything else, if you do go ahead with what feels like a disproportionate punishment, the most likely outcome will be that she ends blaming her brother for this and the resentment will just make everything worse.

Yes, she shouldn’t have shouted at her brother like that. But she was probably really upset that he’d ruined the top she was looking forward to wearing and probably just lost it. Younger siblings can be really annoying! You don’t get to choose them.

you probably should have told your son he needs to be more careful and then told your daughter off for how she spoke to her brother but I do feel that your punishment does not fit the crime especially as she was provoked.

Agreed.

Sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Yes, she over-reacted to her dance competition top getting juice spilled over it but I’d cut her some slack as she likely experienced full panic at that moment and thought it was completely ruined.

I think you then over-reacted by “fuming” and saying she can’t go to the dance competition. She’s been working towards it for months. As a punishment it is disproportionately harsh.

After you’ve all calmed down, she will likely apologise to her brother for her outburst especially if you role model and apologise for cancelling her dance competition.

I think you went way too far. You are asking her to have the emotional regulation that you, an adult, don't seem to have.

Let her do the dance comp. And take him out for an ice cream, or whatever. Row back from this, or she will never forget it.

Also agree with this. You can’t pull her out of the comp. She’s probably been working towards it for weeks or even months.

Way over the top. She'll have put lots of effort into preparing for this competition.

Just imagine that you've got a huge interview and have a new expensive outfit for it, and your clumsy DH spilled his coffee on it. Unless you're a saint, you'd do your nut, even if he immediately apologised. Because you're stressed.

Your DD is a kid. She felt like that and had an outburst, as you would. She needs to apologise to her brother for using the wording she did, but withdrawing her from the competition is, frankly, cruel.

The way you've told it, I feel sorry for your DD. It comes across as DS being the golden child.

I agree with your partner. Too much punishment. When you say he isn’t easy, are things like this frequent? She shouldn’t have called him a freak but shes allowed to be annoyed. It does sound like you’re minimising his part in it, accidental or not, when you say “bless him” .

Hard to say more without more information

She is 11. Presumably she has been practicing hard for this competition, it is important to her and she is probably excited and nervous in equal measure. Juice being spilled over her costume is a big thing for her and she reacted angrily to it. Many adults would have as well. Of course she should still do the competition

8 yr old old isn’t a little one - 3 yr old old is a little one

Why was he drinking juice near her top?

Does he ruin a lot of her stuff?

If you cancel her competition over this, this is going to be one of those moments she always remembers and it's going to breed resentment of her brother and you.

Your poor DD. You're out of order. It was an outburst said in the heat of the moment. He ruined her top. She has every right to be upset. It was on you to make sure it was kept clean and safe. Yet now she's being punished for being upset. So wrong of you.

Oh god I used to go ballistic when my shitty little sisters ruined my stuff, which seemed to happen ALL THE TIME 😂

I think you have been way too hard on her and need to de-escalate the whole situation. Of course she should still go to the competition.

She's been "banging on about it" (as you so lovingly put it) for weeks because she's 11 fucking years of age and is excited. Maybe don't enrol your child in something if it's too much trouble for you.

How often is she having to put up with the golden child your son damaging or ruining her things that she said something like that?

I don't think cancelling the comp is helpful at all and will most probably just backfire on you. She's obviously put a lot of work in to this but also can't take her words back now. Asking her to say sorry would probably be more appropriate.

Wait, your "little one" is EIGHT?? I missed that, and assumed he was three or four.

There's a lot more going on here, especially if you said "He's not easy".

How come the top was anywhere near an 8 year old drinking juice near her top? Surely you are either working on it and tell him to move or it is put away in a drawer or her bedroom???

You sound horrid. Would you really cancel something so important to her? Siblings name call, get over it.

Oh this can not be for real - please god!