To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

Right?! That reply has me rolling my eyes.

"Your child has behaved like a child so turf her out of the house to her pal's, and tell her pal's mum what a little brat she is to embarrass her into apologising"

Glad you're not my mam @BrickJoker if that's how you parent!

It sounds to me that you prefer your DS to your DD. You said that your DD has been "banging on" for weeks. Is that really how you, as a mother, would describe something that is important to your daughter? As a parent, your child's interests, should be important to you too.

I would be fuming if my outfit or clothing was ruined too, as would you.
What if it was sentimental? Or expensive? Or something for work?

Why would an eight year old be crying over spilling a drink? Unless it's learned behaviour by receiving unjust punishments, or he's just being a brat who enjoys getting a rise out of his sister by ruining her things.

You need to give your daughter an apology.

No, don't cancel. She'll hate her brother even more if you do as she'll blame him, and will forever hold it against him.

Yes as PP why are you blatantly favouring your DS over your DD ?

So, OP - imagine - you have been preparing for a job interview for weeks. It's really important to you. You're got your suit of clothes out, all ready. And your DD spills a drink over them the night before. You'd be really cool about that, would you?

Although I'm guessing that if your son spilled the drink, there would be more forgiveness... 🤔

The punishment is over the top and not fair on your DD. How much does her sibling ruin/touch her stuff or generally annoy her? I would leave it for you to both calm down and then have a chat about what is going on.

How about getting both of them to apologise to each other. Surely the top will be dry if you wash it tonight and DD can still go. In future it might be as well for her to put another top on the day before. It would be very mean to cancel her event.

I feel very sorry for your daughter. She will have been training for weeks for the competition and it obviously means a lot to her and costumes for dance competitions are extremely important so she probably did have to have the sequins.
Of course she lashed out she was stressed and very upset that her brother had ruined her costume
Of course you shouldn't cancel her competition. It is very cruel

God you sound as foul as the OP.

I doubt if the OP is coming back . If you do then re-read your post. You DD has been excited and chatting ( not " banging on " ) about the upcoming competition. You sound if you have begrudging helped get her an outfit ready , not enjoyed making something that would give her joy . You have then completely over reacted to her ( understandable ) outburst.

Of course she should apologise to her brother for name calling but if your eight year old cannot manage a cup of juice you need to supervise him better .
I also suspect your DS is your partners child and your DD is not .

I get it - you’re stressed and so is she. Just like she’s said something unkind in the moment as a result, you’ve gone overboard with your response as a result.

It’s not too late to apologise and retract your punishment. You can have a chat with her and ask her to instead think about what she will do to make things right with her brother (e.g. play his favourite game with him, write him a card, buy him a present out of her pocket money). That would be a much more appropriate consequence to her behaviour than cancelling the dance competition, and less detrimental to her relationship with her little brother going forward.

Me too! Poor girl.

Don't be ridiculous, no one needs to be ridiculing anyone else, particularly a child.

Yeah you have gone too far and totally overreacted.

I would have been devastated if it were my outfit ruined too.

Okay so she said something a bit mean. She is 11 and emotions were high. Haven't we all said shit stuff in the heat of the moment?

And now, on top of her being upset about her outfit which obviously means a lot to her, you are going to stop her going at all?

The top shouldn't have been in the position where it could have had something spilled on it in the first place and your 'not so little one' needs to accept the accident and his part in in it and apologise to your DD. But you only seem to be focussed on her having to apologise to him!

Not letting her go is cruel IMO.

You sound like you favour your son and say 'bless him' but no empathy for your DD who has had her top ruined.

So bullying an 11 year old is your answer? And if any parent chose to ridicule their child like that in front of me, I would be speaking to their school and raising a safeguarding concern.

It's clear the OP favours her "little one". She should focus on being a better parent and trying to save the relationship between the siblings.

Absolutely you are incredibly unreasonable if you cancel this!

I agree with others that it’s way OTT

8 is not even that little - it’s old enough to be careful around an item that’s important to his sister and not “accidentally” (carelessly?) spill juice on it.

Of course she’s been talking about it for ages - it’s important to her and she’s been working hard. Of course she wanted a nice top. Why is it so difficult for you to help her decorate it?

And how best to teach her that he does indeed spoil everything than to pull her out of the comp because of his actions?

I have a 16 yo DD who is NT and an 11 yo DS with ADHD. She can find her younger brother terrifically annoying at times but by and large is patient - but it’s not easy to have a younger sibling, especially one with a condition that can make them seem clumsy or careless. If she were to name call him like this (and I’m thinking of when they were younger like your two) I’d have found a punishment, yes, but no one that confirmed the very fear that she’d had in the first place!

Unless the dance is a solo, your punishment will punish other children as well.

Even if it is a solo, it is still not an appropriate punishment for something she has worked for so long.

you are showing a great amount of resentment over a very normal level of support required of a dance parent. Stoning a top is hardly a big request.

you should take some responsibility for where you left the top on the first place. Something that required that much work should have been better protected

Would you tell abusive names? At an 8 year old who could form a whole view of himself over it.

Worse than the OP . What kind of adult suggests ridiculing a child . I do hope you don't have children .

Is the "little one" your precious boy? It's nothing to be fuming about. I'd be pissed off if I was her!

I feel for your DD. Don’t cancel the competition. You’ll probably be letting down other people like her dance school or the organisers if she doesn’t turn up which would be unfair.

My DD used to do dance comps and I used to love sorting out her costumes. You sound resentful OP so I think there are bigger problems at play here.

Obviously I would ask them to babysit or something. I wouldn't just LEAVE her there. But I wouldn't collect her until the competition's over.

OP, there are parents who long for their children to have interests, especially active, that don't involve scrolling on a screen. Your DD has shared her excitement with you, has asked you to decorate a top for her for the competition.

And you're moaning about her? And defending your son? How is it, exactly, that he came to "spill" his drink over her top?

Too far

OK, so what she said wasn't very nice, and she should apologise, but it's hardly surprising that she was really upset and you don't appear to have any empathy or understanding for her.

Kids learn how to behave from their parents. You can't expect your dd to show kindness and patience towards her younger brother when you show so little kindness and patience towards her. Yes, she overreacted to the drink getting spilled, but actually, that's a massive deal for an 11 year old just before a dance competition, and I'm not at all surprised that she was upset. And you have massively overreacted to her overreaction, so you can hardly criticise.

Cancelling the competition would be really cruel imo, and it would seriously damage relationships - it would almost certainly cement the idea in your dd's mind that your ds is the favourite child (which is definitely the impression that your OP gives, whether it's the case or not), so it would create resentment towards her brother and distance between you and your daughter. Not to mention whatever your DH might feel about being cut out of the decision altogether.

I think you really need to reflect on your own behaviour here. Your daughter is 11 and this competition is obviously important to her - that's why she keeps "banging on" about it. At least try to look at this from her perspective.