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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

669 replies

Blondra · 24/05/2025 18:12

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 24/05/2025 18:27

No. You, not your daughter, are overreacting here. You need to apologise to her for that. Yes, she needs to be nicer to her brother, ans apologise for the name calling. But if he is constantly winding her up and breaking things, you need to see things from her point of view.

GreenWheat · 24/05/2025 18:27

Good grief, be the adult there. She over reacted, but the competition is important to her, as is what she wears. Your DS was clumsy, with the result he spoiled an important piece of clothing. Why on earth is all the punishment on your DD? Stop adding to the drama, let everyone calm down and go to the competition tomorrow. But it sounds like you don't think it's important, if you think your DD is "banging on" about it. Poor girl.

Tiswa · 24/05/2025 18:27

Of for god sake her brother who isn’t easy and you expect to have to cope with that once didn’t and listen to what she is saying and take stock of how you parent

becuase she is 11 not 18

and let her go to the dance comp

Anotherparkingthread · 24/05/2025 18:28

Your daughter will resent her brother even more if you continue nonsensical punitive responses.

Id be angry if somebody ruined my outfit for an important day as well.

We can tell from your post which child is the favourite child.

NeedToChangeName · 24/05/2025 18:28

Bad move OP

Disproportionate, not related to the "offence" and probably inconveniences the coach and other performers

Try to focus on actions and consequences

NoBots · 24/05/2025 18:28

What do you expect when you threaten to cancel something she cares and worked towards?! Of course a proper fight back! Good on her!

latetothefisting · 24/05/2025 18:29

Echobowels · 24/05/2025 18:19

The way you've told it, I feel sorry for your DD. It comes across as DS being the golden child.

Was going to say this. He's "little one" despite there only being max 3 years, possibly less between them.

Says "Bless him" when he's crying but dd is described as "full meltdown" and "sulking" when she's crying!

She (a young child) is expected to be understanding towards her brother because he "isn't easy" but the moment she "isn't easy" you (a grown adult) can't extend the same courtesy to her?

No punishment for him for damaging her possessions but completely ott punishment for her for shouting at him. I have siblings, no "freak" isn't nice but it's in no way the worst thing we said to each other when we were younger.

Shouting at someone who has damaged something of yours isn't ideal (and you should have got her to calm down and then both apologise to each other) but it isn't a disproportionate reaction particularly if there's a history of him doing similar stuff as you suggest with the comment of him not being easy - cancelling something she's worked hard for add is looking forward to (and is good for her -activity and exercise for girls is a great thing) IS a completely disproportionate reaction to yelling at a sibling.

HarryVanderspeigle · 24/05/2025 18:29

If I cancelled things every time my kids tried to murder each other we would never go anywhere! Yes you overreacted. Go and have a chat with her. Get her to apologise and you apologise too.

Spies · 24/05/2025 18:29

I can't believe you need to ask if you've gone too far and if you're unreasonable for saying she can't go to the competition.

It's beyond clear your son is the golden child who can do no wrong. He's 8 years old not 3, I'd have my suspicion he did it on purpose to be honest.

Your poor daughter.

Neemie · 24/05/2025 18:29

Spilling juice over a competition outfit would infuriate most reasonable people. The fact that she didn’t whack him over the head with the juice carton shows she has admirable self restraint.

It is completely unfair to ban her from the competition.She will really hate him if you don’t let her go.

scalt · 24/05/2025 18:29

DO NOT cancel it. The competition matters a lot more than a comment she made in a moment of anger. (I was expecting a far worse comment.) She would resent both you and him for a very long time; and possibly remember this incident for the rest of her life; and it would cement her belief that he ruins everything. In her mind, he would have caused the cancellation by spilling his drink on her outfit, and to her, he would indeed have well and truly ruined everything.

Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you have never said something shocking in response to a catastrophe?

The original incident was not her fault. I’m still remembering times I was punished for my retaliation at something my brother did.

KnewYearKnewMe · 24/05/2025 18:30

Blimey OP - her special top is ruined and you’re blaming her for being cross (in a tame way IMO).

The way you’ve written about her ‘banging on’ about her comp, and moaning about you having to help with her costume is also properly horrible too.

Jeez - doesn’t sound like you like her very much. and yes - cancelling her attendance at the dance competition would be shit parenting on your part.

JustAnInchident · 24/05/2025 18:30

saraclara · 24/05/2025 18:19

Way over the top. She'll have put lots of effort into preparing for this competition.

Just imagine that you've got a huge interview and have a new expensive outfit for it, and your clumsy DH spilled his coffee on it. Unless you're a saint, you'd do your nut, even if he immediately apologised. Because you're stressed.

Your DD is a kid. She felt like that and had an outburst, as you would. She needs to apologise to her brother for using the wording she did, but withdrawing her from the competition is, frankly, cruel.

Agree with this completely, you’re being so unreasonable op! As several others have said, you’ve made yourself look silly here, losing your rag and saying something stupid in the heat of the moment… in punishment of a kid who said something stupid in the heat of the moment…

5foot5 · 24/05/2025 18:31

YABVVU.
I can only agree with other posters. Please, please do not cancel this competition. It is obviously very important to your poor DD.

willowthecat · 24/05/2025 18:31

I think you need to think about your relationship with your daughter . It sounds as if you don't like her very much and she will pick up on that - also that you favour her brother no matter what happens.

feelingbleh · 24/05/2025 18:32

Yeah you've gone to far

BorderTerrierTimesThree · 24/05/2025 18:32

How do you expect her to react? He has spilled a drink over something she needs tomorrow, you knew how important it was to her, and had spent lots of time on it yourself, for him to ruin it? Can it be salvaged?
It would be odd if she just shrugged like it didn’t matter to her.
Address the way he spoke to her brother for sure, and make her apologise, but he also needs to apologise for ruining her outfit.

CapitalAtRisk · 24/05/2025 18:32

Reading this:

SHe has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have

I feel so sorry for your DD.

arcticpandas · 24/05/2025 18:32

I was waiting for something horrible she had done but no, she just got upset with her brother. Rightfully so. She's 11, ofcourse she will have a fit when her sibling ruins her costume! @Blondra Please let her go, you are being way too hard on her. Is the 8 year old brother the golden child or is it just because he's a boy?

phoenixrosehere · 24/05/2025 18:33

YABU

Your language about your daughter’s competition speaks volumes:

Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Of course she would be talking about it, it’s a dance competition, something she likely worked very hard on.

Considering you were the one who did the gems on the crop top begrudgingly, shouldn’t you have been more upset with your son for ruining the crop top? Why did he have juice near it to begin with? Why was it out?

You don’t sound very supportive at all. You could have glued the gemstones with your daughter instead of doing it yourself.

Her name-calling was not on but your automatic go to cancelling the competition only proves more that you don’t care about your daughter’s hobby.

GildedRage · 24/05/2025 18:33

Yes she should go.
BUT seriously consider going forward if you can gracefully handle the responsibility of being a competitive dance mom.
At this point she needs you to enable this BUT it really takes a certain level of organization networking and fortitude from those around your daughter.
Did you check to confirm the bedazzle was necessary??

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2025 18:33

8 is old enough to not spill juice all over her top ( unless there's a massive drip about a disability ) sounds like this type of thing happens a lot so I'm not surprised she's annoyed, but sure go ahead and esculate the situation by choosing the very worst punishment for her, that will improve the sibling relationship for sure.

I am the eldest and had to put up with this from all my younger siblings and a mother that expected me to behave far beyond my years towards them to keep the peace.... I wasn't consulted on having siblings but I sure suffered for them!

MyHouseInThePrairie · 24/05/2025 18:33

But if he is constantly winding her up and breaking things, you need to see things from her point of view.

Sorry but no.
Calling anyone ableist slur like a freak is NEVER acceptable
If he is winding her, he needs to learn to stop (Thars the OP’s and her DP’s job) and she needs to learn to answer back to that wo insult but with boundaries.

But tbh seeing the reaction of this little boy, I doubt that him constantly winding her up what is happening there. He wouldn’t have burst into tears.
He might well have been frightened by her reaction, seeing how he had a sister. constantly going on about her show. And clearky is used to be stroppy (see the Whatever she answered to her mum)

Cucy · 24/05/2025 18:33

YABU

You are unhappy with her overreaction but you have dove exactly the same.

You cannot expect her to act rational if you don’t.

Thank goodness you have a partner who is able to give an unbiased view.

Apologise to her and let her go to the dance competition.

Aria2015 · 24/05/2025 18:33

She's only 11, she doesn't have the perspective of an adult, who would have recognised a genuine accident and not roasted him over the coals for it.

Sounds like this dance competition means a lot to her, she had a very specific outfit she wanted to wear (which you've put a lot of time and effort into) and for it to be ruined, whether by accident or not, she was bound to react emotionally to it.

I would have let her calm down and then empathised with her upset, but made it clear that it's unacceptable to say unkind things and she needs to apologise and then tell her in specific ways how she could have handled it better,