To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

Yabu. Of course your DD was annoyed with her brother. It's silly to cancel over a bit of name calling.

Don't cancel the competition. She will never forget it if you do.

Feel really sorry for your daughter. Son is obviously a brat with a mother who thinks he can do no wrong. Can't believe you think your behaviour is reasonable.

She's 11, FGS. And is being expected to indulge her younger brother's behaviour, while her mother has a strop.

Have you never reacted badly to something you’ve been excited about being ruined or cancelled?

Shes 11yo. Sounds like this was another case of the younger sibling doing something that’s spoilt what she is doing.

add to that she’s probably already at the top of her resilience as nervous about the comp she’s been training for for months.

Go and talk to her. Ask her why she reacted the way she did. And listen. Actually listen. Empathise. Then after this ask her to come up with solutions to prevent such situations in future.

could the too have been put away.
does he always spill drinks and needs to keep them on the kitchen?
does he often do things that interrupt her plans or break her things?
does him “not being easy” mean she gets less than her fair share of attention and she feels sidelined?

Im not suggesting what she said is ok. But she said it because she has big feelings at the minute and needs empathy and understanding rather than punishment.

Of you’re insisting on the punishment what punishment has her brother had for spilling a drink in that 0.2m sq space when I’m sure he could have been drinking anywhere other than right over or next to her top that was important to her.

I think everyone's had a bit of a difficult day. She's only 11, of course she would catastrophise about this.

Saying that, I'd probably drop her off at one of her friend's houses, explaining to their parents how childishly she has behaved. She should be embarrassed and will apologise.

No need to ask who your favourite child is!

Why is he having juice next to a costume that is needed for the next day and that his mother has worked hard on?

She should not have called him a freak. She should apologise?

Did he apologise for the accident?

You need to apologise for overreacting.

Then you need to think of ways of building up their relationship.

Can you offer her a second chance? If she apologises to him, talks though her emotions with you and is reasonably well behaved between now and then, can she win it back with better behaviour.

Agree with almost everyone.

She’s stressed over a dance comp her reaction though harsh is due to the stress of something she wants to achieve.

You say your boy is hard.

Also has to go back and double check age as you said little one and then I double checked and his 8. That’s not a little one a little one is a toddler/reception aged to me

yabu if you ban her from something that means so much to her because your 8 year old not baby cannot not bring drinks near her things carefully.

Absolutely this.

YABU. You didn’t like what she said, fair enough, but it’s what she was feeling in the moment. I’d want to explore her actual feelings about it more, what does she mean he ruins everything? Is there a pattern of behaviour where he does stuff or reacts in ways that prevents her doing stuff?

We have to accept that siblings will have negative thoughts and emotions about each other. OTT punishments for saying them out loud won’t change the way they feel.

Look into the Siblings Without Rivalry book for some practical suggestions on how to deal with situations like this in future without further pitting your children against each other.

Just to clarify, in order to “teach” your daughter that she shouldn’t over react to upsetting things, you wildly overreacted to her upset and said you’d cancel her dance competition??

Your massive “tantrum” about the competition is demonstrates the reason why your daughter “tantrums”. It’s learnt behaviour from you!

If you go on to disclose that she’s actually your DSD that really wouldn’t surprise me, you seem to treat your two children very differently.

Did you son apologize for ruining her top?

Regardless of context that's way too hash a punishment for something said in heat when she was very upset.

But, reading between the lines, is it possible she does have a lot to put up with from him and you side with him frequently?

What?! She has "behaved childishly" because she is a child! And, IMO, her mother has behave worse - clearly favouring the son, and punishing her daughter for reacting to his behaviour.

Agree this was over the top and too harsh,
Of course her initial reaction would be upset about her top. You should've let her calm down then spoken to her about not using those words even when really upset.

that was my thought, too. she even refers to him as "little one" (he's 8, not 2!).

She’s a child and why would you choose to shame a child that way? Are you trying to make sure OP continues to have a difficult relationship with her daughter?

This can’t be real surely ?

No one could be that nasty to their DD and cancel their dance competition

This is a completely disproportionate reaction to what happened.

Even by the way you've worded your post you sound like you very much favour your 'little one', who I assumed would be a toddler, not 8 years old.

She needs to apologise and realise that she can't speak to anyone that way, but honestly, I feel sorry for her.

You over reacted, don't cancel her competition!

Too old to be acting like that. I would just leave her at her friend's house after ridiculing her in front of the parents, TBH. And no competition. Maybe then she will think twice next time before being so horrible with her choice of words.