To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

That's why the sensible thing to do is for the mother to take responsibility for the whole sorry mess. She wasn't monitoring the top/ juice situation. These are kids and things happen, either by chance or deliberately. But OP puts all the blame on her daughter. That's just unreasonable.

Totally agree.

That poster sounds like Grady from The Shining 'correcting' his kids!

There’s nothing amusing about my job, believe me. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and love it, even though it’s incredibly mentally and emotionally draining at times.
Either way, I was responding to a different poster, so I’m not sure what your emojis add to the discussion.

I’m not laughing at your “job”, I’m laughing at the fact that you expect a forum full of people to believe you. When you display such rage and all the UPPER CASE LETTERS and projection.

I’m not sure about the profile of a child psychologist is, but you don’t strike me as fitting the bill.

Also, when you comment on a forum, it’s public, anyone can respond to your comments, even if you “think” you’re responding to someone else. It’s public, so you’re not.

Yes, I stated this based on the affectionate language choices OP uses for DS (little one, bless him etc) compared with the hostile language she uses for DD (banging on, spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have etc) as though DD is a nuisance. She also seems hell bent on punishing her for something which may or may not have been an accident, while DS doesn’t even get a talking to.

OP also said DS was not easy and takes most of her time and energy. Most posters agree OP should not neglect elder child who clearly feels silenced and ignored, not punishment.

Well, the profiles of child psychologists are probably as varied as they are in your organisation or profession.
Of course you’re welcome to comment, I just wasn’t sure what the laughing emojis meant.

Well I’ve straightened that out, so all is good.

The mother's

Absolutely this, between this thread and the one with the hostile dde who the OP is complicit the bullying of dd1, I wonder if the ops ever think forward, as to whether or not they're bothered that there will likely be absolutely no relationship between the siblings as adults, and likely the dd in this situation and dd1 in the other, will move out, and see no reason to come and visit much. Or will the ops expect the maligned child to take on the pandering to the golden one?

Yes, indeed. You were the only one questioning my profession, but other than uploading a copy of my doctorate or HCPC registration (which I have no intention of doing), I’m not sure what motive you think I would have for lying about it.

The issue would not be dealt with though, if emotions are high we walk away and calm down before coming back together to talk. We need to this especially with our middle dd as she can have a major meltdown by the slightest thing sometimes so we de-escalate and all calm down before talking things through.

it’s not a court session, quite often we will talk to each child separately, get their versions, sometimes it’s everyone together, we do what’s comfortable for them at the time. DH and I will dish out punishments if we feel needed but have found that by letting our DDs talk about what’s happened, why and do they think it warrants a punishment we have had far fewer fights between them, boundaries are talked about and agreed between everyone and definitely far more respect unlike when DH and I have said don’t do this and that.

We only got here by failing in many other ways, it’s working for us so I’m happy to keep it up.

Ok so firstly you sound annoyed that you had to stick gems on her top, but your son spilling juice is ‘bless him’ moment.

It sounds like serious bias here.

You are expecting an 11 year old (pre puberty with hormones surging) to have the emotional regulation of an adult, mean while you infantilise your 8 year old son from any and all accountability, as if he’s only a toddler.

How about you actually demonstrate emotional regulation as an adult? Hold a family meeting and firstly apologise yourself for your emotional reaction, then get the kids to apologise and make up.

I’d also get younger brother to go to the competition and cheer big sister on. Family moral will do more in this situation than petty punishments

The whole point of being a grown-up is knowing how to be reasonable and put things into perspective. Son was careless , daughter was stressed and excited. You're there to restore calm and harmony which includes apologies from both to each other and a swift resolution including you whisking her off to the competition. It's not rocket science.

Yes I am genuinely gobsmacked that a child saying something mean with a mean face during a warranted emotional outburst to their sibling is somehow worse than cancelling a literal dance competition the child has been working towards for years - not just in the weeks running up to the huge event - years of her life’s work towards something like this. Are we all such snowflakes now we teach our children to throw away their dreams because someone’s feelings might get hurt just once? Toughen up and sort out your priorities. Your children will do very very poorly in life if they can’t bear to face a single mean word or a meaningless nasty look here and there. They’re at an age they need to start practising conflict resolution to set themselves up for adult life. They’re not toddlers anymore who need their favourite stuffed toy taken away to teach them right from wrong. You need to adapt to their changes, and fast.

Shocked you need ask.
My sympathies with DD. She has been training and looking forward to this for months.
No wonder the poor child reacted as she did. !!Can't believe you can be so unkind. I agree with your partner 110%
Sounds as if the boy is your favourite .

Yes, I agree. She’s been looking forward to it and is getting stressed.

zzzzzzzzombieeeeeee

The dance competition was on May 25th. It’s October 9th now.