Page 26 | To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

Blondra · 2025-05-24T17:12:12+00:00

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have. Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me. I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors. I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since. Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on. AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months? I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

Flashahah · 26/05/2025 19:35

Vanishedwillow · 26/05/2025 19:32

Not sure why you’re trying to make this about your socio political views.
Do you believe DS should be punished? You said you only punish your children when they lie.
DS poured juice all over DD’s top...

Show quote history

He didn’t pour juice over the top, he accidentally knocked the drink over.

Pouring makes its sound deliberate.

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 26/05/2025 19:36

Some posters seem weirdly focused on punishment

Vanishedwillow · 26/05/2025 19:53

Flashahah · 26/05/2025 19:35

He didn’t pour juice over the top, he accidentally knocked the drink over.

Pouring makes its sound deliberate.

Show quote history

Hmm. He’s 8. Beloved mummy who usually gives him all the attention was suddenly diverted to doing something for DD…
Accident my axse. My DS amd DD used to pull that shit all the time, classic sibling rivalry. I never stood for it, but the difference is that I treated them fairly, which is probably why DS & DD (now 24 & 25) are best of friends.

Vanishedwillow · 26/05/2025 19:54

llizzie · 26/05/2025 17:06

And you know all that because?

Show quote history

I’m a child psychologist, working for the family courts

godmum56 · 26/05/2025 20:07

Flashahah · 26/05/2025 19:35

He didn’t pour juice over the top, he accidentally knocked the drink over.

Pouring makes its sound deliberate.

Show quote history

what was the juice doing on the same table as the top?

GreenCandleWax · 26/05/2025 20:15

llizzie · 26/05/2025 17:45

My children are only punished for lying. Everything else is a mistake. Lying is definitely the worse thing they can do.

Children know the difference. They know when they are being unkind, and have to apologise. That is enough. They know when they break something, they just own up and tell me and it is fine. My son broke a neighbour's window and owned up right away. The neighbour was delighted, and didn't charge for the new window.

If they do something wrong, they know it is wrong and come and tell me. There is no punishment if they are sorry.

I have not known them deliberately hurt anyone either physically or mentally. Why would they? There is no need. They would not like to be grounded from the things they do.

Try it. It works with me.

Show quote history

You are contradicting yourself. Upthread you equated OP's DD having justified anger with her DB to having a "tantrum". The two are not the same but in any case you thought "punishment" was deserved. Now you are saying it is only lying that you punish. There is no question in the OP of anyone lying.

Are you in fact the OP trying to justify herself? if so, you have learned nothing from this thread. The poor children - gc DS included.

QuaintShaker · 26/05/2025 20:20

llizzie · 26/05/2025 19:12

Annoying, and slow to understand? Not very nice, just because you don't agree with me, it is? Now if you called me facetious..........

You just like chewing over the nitty gritty and putting your own interpretation on it.

I said if that is what the OP considered punishment at the time - a grounding - I would not admonish her for that.

That she regrets it. Most mothers regret having to punish their children. It is natural. It doesn't mean the punishment was wrong, or that the child was right.

Perhaps it would help if someone thought up all the possible misdemeanours our children are likely to commit and suitable punishments to be meted out and published it as a guide to good parenting?

All parents would have to do then is to consult the book and follow the price of wrongdoing and everyone would have a model life: like they do in Stepford.

It would be a pity, because the list would have to be so long it could be hours before you actually found the right punishment appropriate for the deed, and give it hours later, instead of at the right time.

Show quote history

I absolutely stand by "obtuse".

We know full well why the OP's daugher was upset: because her brother accidentally ruined the top that she was supposed to wear at the competition (as is written in the OP).

You have invented an explanation that it must be down to DD lacking confidence ("Is there another reason to have a tantrum before an event?") when there is plainly and obviously another reason - the ruined outfit. It is bizarre that you are failing to grasp that.

You also made up a scenario wherein DD might be violent towards her brother, so needed to be confined. That has nothing to do with the thread and seems to be the invention of a twisted mind (the same twisted mind that somehow thought it appropriate to shoehorn Sara Sharif into this thread).

And no, you don't need a manual on the appropriate way to handle each and every transgression to see that the OP went overboard. Parents inevitably make mistakes sometimes and this was one of those times - if a punishment was required at all, this one was clearly disproportionate.

Thepossibility · 26/05/2025 21:19

It sounds like you've turned a minor argument into something she will remember forever.
The punishment doesn't not fit the 'crime'.
You decided to take something so big and important away from her just for that? She lashed out because something that she had put a lot of effort into was ruined. Is your DS the golden child by any chance because you only seem to have empathy for him in this situation?

HuffleMyPuffle · 26/05/2025 21:42

GreenCandleWax · 26/05/2025 20:15

You are contradicting yourself. Upthread you equated OP's DD having justified anger with her DB to having a "tantrum". The two are not the same but in any case you thought "punishment" was deserved. Now you are saying it is only lying that you punish. There is no question in the OP of anyone lying.

Are you in fact the OP trying to justify herself? if so, you have learned nothing from this thread. The poor children - gc DS included.

Show quote history

I am wondering if this is OP
Some of the assumptions are so bizarre if they didn't have some other knowledge

Flashahah · 26/05/2025 21:46

Vanishedwillow · 26/05/2025 19:54

I’m a child psychologist, working for the family courts

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Flashahah · 26/05/2025 21:48

Vanishedwillow · 26/05/2025 19:53

Hmm. He’s 8. Beloved mummy who usually gives him all the attention was suddenly diverted to doing something for DD…
Accident my axse. My DS amd DD used to pull that shit all the time, classic sibling rivalry. I never stood for it, but the difference is that I treated them fairly, which is probably why DS & DD (now 24 & 25) are best of friends.

Show quote history

What a streeeeeeeetch!!!

EmzJ34 · 26/05/2025 22:03

Mookie81 · 25/05/2025 18:35

And of course when my eldest DD reacts, I tend to almost instinctively protect the youngest which is wrong. I realise that.
If you realise it, bloody stop it.

Show quote history

I am consciously stopping it, but thanks for the advice. I suppose you're a perfect parent of course?

Pinty · 26/05/2025 22:39

Arran2024 · 26/05/2025 18:04

You can show you are in charge as the parent in lots of ways without dishing out punishments.

One way is for the parent to say "I'm sorry he spilled the drink. I should have put the top safely away once I finished it /I should have made sure your brother didn't go near your top with the juice".

This will immediately de-escalate everyone. THEN you can speak calmly to the son about spilling the juice on the top and to the daughter about how she reacted.

And move on. No need to punish anyone.

The primary goals should be deescalation and regrouping.

My mother favoured my brother and I knew it. We never got on and we are not close.

You can dish out all the punishments you like but it just leaves the children angry or gleeful. It's not good for any of you long term.

Aim for harmony at all times, for regulated kids and parents, who think about the needs of others without being forced to.

This is perfect advice.
I don't understand the obsession with punishment that some people seem to have. It really isn't necessary.

llizzie · 26/05/2025 23:19

Vanishedwillow · 26/05/2025 19:32

Not sure why you’re trying to make this about your socio political views.
Do you believe DS should be punished? You said you only punish your children when they lie.
DS poured juice all over DD’s top...

Show quote history

I am not trying to make any sort of issue out of it. The OP grounded the DD because she had a tantrum, immediately grounded her for that.

I don't see anything wrong in that. Other posters think otherwise and criticise me. That is their prerogative. They think the punishment is harsh. I made no comment on that, just said that if the OP thought fit to ground DD, then that is what she did. Hopefully, she did it in the DD's interest to prevent a flare up.

I don't know. I wasn't there. I am against any form of physical punishment, but there is a need to show the behaviour was not acceptable. The OP did this in a recommended way. I do not have the right to criticise her for that.

Mothers always have to wonder if the punishment was right. The OP wondered if it was a suitable for the tantrum. That is natural.

QuaintShaker · 26/05/2025 23:49

llizzie · 26/05/2025 23:19

I am not trying to make any sort of issue out of it. The OP grounded the DD because she had a tantrum, immediately grounded her for that.

I don't see anything wrong in that. Other posters think otherwise and criticise me. That is their prerogative. They think the punishment is harsh. I made no comment on that, just said that if the OP thought fit to ground DD, then that is what she did. Hopefully, she did it in the DD's interest to prevent a flare up.

I don't know. I wasn't there. I am against any form of physical punishment, but there is a need to show the behaviour was not acceptable. The OP did this in a recommended way. I do not have the right to criticise her for that.

Mothers always have to wonder if the punishment was right. The OP wondered if it was a suitable for the tantrum. That is natural.

Show quote history

Why do you keep banging on about how you disagree with physical punishment? Nobody is suggesting it as a good idea and yet you keep posting about how you don't agree with it. Coupled with your needless and bizarre insertion of Sara Sherif into the discussion, your posts seem creepy.

CheeseyOnionPie · 26/05/2025 23:58

Juice should not have been anywhere near her top for the dance comp..! At 8 your “little one” is old enough to understand and follow instructions like no food or drink near his sister’s dance outfit that you’ve spent ages on.

From what you’ve said it seems this is the latest of many incidents in which your DD’s plans / belongings get ruined by little bro. Agree she was rude but you have escalated it way too far.

Flashahah · 27/05/2025 05:30

CheeseyOnionPie · 26/05/2025 23:58

Juice should not have been anywhere near her top for the dance comp..! At 8 your “little one” is old enough to understand and follow instructions like no food or drink near his sister’s dance outfit that you’ve spent ages on.

From what you’ve said it seems this is the latest of many incidents in which your DD’s plans / belongings get ruined by little bro. Agree she was rude but you have escalated it way too far.

So, the juice was on a table? Probably a dining room table? As an 8 year old where is a sensible place to put my glass of juice…….oh on the dining room table?

And then we have the other conundrum…

Like the chicken and the egg…

What came first the top or the juice?

It was an accident.

Flashahah · 27/05/2025 05:32

godmum56 · 26/05/2025 20:07

what was the juice doing on the same table as the top?

Show quote history

Waiting to be drunk I suppose?

godmum56 · 27/05/2025 07:55

Flashahah · 27/05/2025 05:32

Waiting to be drunk I suppose?

Show quote history

Well but its plain silly to allow that.

godmum56 · 27/05/2025 07:58

Flashahah · 27/05/2025 05:30

So, the juice was on a table? Probably a dining room table? As an 8 year old where is a sensible place to put my glass of juice…….oh on the dining room table?

And then we have the other conundrum…

Like the chicken and the egg…

What came first the top or the juice?

It was an accident.

Show quote history

Its not a sensible thing to allow juice on the tsble if the top was on the table first. If the juice was there first then you MOVE THE JUICE before putting the top on the table!

50Balesofgrey · 27/05/2025 08:19

Has the dance competition been and gone? How did she get on?

Flashahah · 27/05/2025 08:24

godmum56 · 27/05/2025 07:58

Its not a sensible thing to allow juice on the tsble if the top was on the table first. If the juice was there first then you MOVE THE JUICE before putting the top on the table!

Show quote history

So whose responsibility was it to move the juice?

Coffeequeen123 · 27/05/2025 08:35

You sound awful sorry

godmum56 · 27/05/2025 08:47

Flashahah · 27/05/2025 08:24

So whose responsibility was it to move the juice?

Show quote history

in this circumstance, and from what we know, I would say the OP. 8 years old even in an NT child is a bit young to think of it without being trained to do so and I am thinking from what we know that if the 11 YO had tried to dictate to her younger brother that would have got nowhere. I don't think we know enough to say whether the juice spill was "accidental done on purpose" but the fact remains that if the juice and the top had not been on the same table at the same time, it wouldn't have happened.

Flashahah · 27/05/2025 09:27

godmum56 · 27/05/2025 08:47

in this circumstance, and from what we know, I would say the OP. 8 years old even in an NT child is a bit young to think of it without being trained to do so and I am thinking from what we know that if the 11 YO had tried to dictate to her younger brother that would have got nowhere. I don't think we know enough to say whether the juice spill was "accidental done on purpose" but the fact remains that if the juice and the top had not been on the same table at the same time, it wouldn't have happened.

Show quote history

I agree, I think the “I’m a child psychology 🤣🤣🤣” poster is projecting her own issues into the situation.