To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

I'm amazed how many people are normalising the outburst from the daughter. My kids can bicker and snap at each other too, but saying "you're a freak who ruins everything"? Never. That is so far over the line. It would not be accepted or tolerated in my home.

Is she generally nasty to her brother? The fact he was in tears as soon as he spilled the drink and before she reacted is interesting.

I think cancelling the dance competition is the wrong move. It's not a considered or measured response. I can understand that you would be shocked and upset at what she said, but you can dial back down. You just say that your initial response was a knee jerk reaction and that, whilst she can still do the dance competition, there will be a consequence for her behaviour. What she said to her brother was absolutely vicious and attacking his character like that over a spilled drink is awful. She's is high school and she's old enough to know better.

Her words were a consequence to his actions.

Why should her punishment be harsher than his?

Has he apologised for spilling the juice? If not, then he should.

She should apologise for calling him unkind names and should be allowed to go to the competition. You can have a chat with her about kindness too.

It's a massive punishment (to her) for something that's not that bad*, and that he 'started'. Whilst you see a pattern of behaviour form her, she sees a pattern of behaviour from him. Cancelling the comp will likely lead to big resentment and won't help them get on.

*It was unkind but it was in the heat of the moment over something very important to her.

I think it is hilarious to expect an 11 yr old child to be just as mature and have the emotional control of a 21 yr old man.

@Blondra OP, don't cancel the dance competition because it's a constructive and worthwhile activity.

Find a different punishment.

If you don't know the difference between an adult man and an eleven year old child I pity you .

I can see how it may be a bit annoying that his first reaction was to burst into tears rather than to actually use his words and apologise.

He may have felt sorry but it would have been better for him to say it instead of crying and centring himself.

I know he’s only 8 but he needs to learn how to make amends for mistakes with a simple “sorry”.

I feel crying like that clearly pulled on your heartstrings instead of feeling sympathetic for your daughter and that’s possibly partly what your daughter was reacting to.

I understand she would get angry, but it was an accident and there was no need for her horrible language. Children who are talked down like that by their elder siblings grow up with MH issues. She should apologise.

I agree. OP saying Bless him, when he had just ruined DD's top. Why can he do no wrong?

It will wash out !
He's 8 ! Accidents happen
She was a brat to react like that but it's out of order to cancel her comp

Bless him 🙄 I don’t blame her for being furious. You should have kept him away from her top! Let her go to the competition.

By that logic he should call her a spoilt, self-centred brat back.

Oh bullshit. That kid has his mummy raising him to be an entitled little Prince. He's not going to have self-esteem issues. His problem will be keeping friends because he's being raised to think he can do whatever he likes with no consequence.
The daughter, on the other hand, very well could seeing as how she is already being treated as the black sheep by her mum.

I'm guessing you don't have siblings if you think being called a freak after destroying something of a sibling's will lead to life long issues.

Anyone else thinking the brother quite often responds to any dissatisfaction to him with “I’m only 8” as if that’s a fucking pass to behave any old how?!

Surely you aren’t surprised that people react differently to children than they do to adults?

You could flip this the other way too. The op’s reaction to her son being upset over spilling a drink on an important item that was needed tomorrow, was ‘bless him’. I think it’s highly unlikely that anyone would have responded that way had it been a grown man (or woman).

Complete overreaction and as an adult you should have calmed the situation rather than adding fuel to the fire.

Yes, she should have to apologise but everything else was OTT.

You are being overly harsh. What sibling has never made a similar comment? Let her do
the competition.

Well, OP assumed it was an accident. It might not have been one. How little brother was drinking a full glass of juice coincidentally above his sister’s costume is a bit of a mystery.

Your son is your favourite child. Calling him a little one when he is 8. You need to be kinder to your daughter. Don’t stop her going to the competition.

Two users witih names beginning with 'b' are clearly trolling the thread. Let's focus on helping the OP and her kids, not fighting them.

No one said what she said is ok.

That you are comparing the actions of a child to the actions of a grown man is, at best, bizarre. Kinda weird actually.

Perfectly put, and so true. You should examine your conscience OP and be honest with yourself about your unfair strong preference for DS.

You have two problems here:

1. you overreacted
2. you gave a punishment you can’t/wont follow through with

you need to sit down and talk to her, explain that she can’t react like that when she is frustrated and that you could have fixed her problem given a chance. Then tell her she gets a pass on this occasion, but only if she is kind to her sibling and apologises. And that if it happens again you won’t stop her going to dance (as it lets other people down) but you will {insert reasonable punishment here}

No, though I can imagine the daughter does.

I'd just tell her ... its okay to be upset and angry that your brother spilt juice on your top. It is not okay to call him names. You need to apologise and think more carefully about your works and how hurtful they are. I would expect her to apologise.

I think canceling her comp is a bit extreme. It will only cause her more resentment and impact her relationship with her brother even more.