To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

8 isn’t a baby, sometimes accidents happen but it seems like you baby the 8 year old and give him free passes while treating your slightly older children like full rational adults.

Cancelling your DD from attending something because she was upset a whole glass of juice got knocked all over her is ridiculous.

How is that bullying? Actions have consequences!

What she said wasn't so bad. Especially in the circumstances. I think you have overreacted badly. Is your DD never allowed to be angry? Do you punish her for expressing her authentic and perfectly reasonable feelings? it doesn't sound healthy. Apologise to her and get her to that dance comp, whatever happens.

Has to be a shitposter. Nobody could be that cruel?

Off you pop, shitposter.

Absolutely wrong to pull your DD from the competition. Incredibly cruel. And you need to seriously examine your attitude towards your DD because you sound uncaring and dismissive towards her.

This.

Cancelling the competition is an over-reaction.
Is the top salvageable?
If not, it had no business being left anywhere where a spillage was likely - that sort of accident is predictable. Delicate costumes should be hanging up inside a wardrobe, preferably under a cover, not lying around the kitchen or wherever. I think a discussion around that might be useful once things have simmered down. Is DD responsible about her equipment or was it you who left it out, OP?

DD should not be speaking to her sibling like that, that sort of terminology is obviously not acceptable, of course OP is going to be upset about that, but to say that DS is clearly the golden child is a step too far.We don't know whether there is a history of DS ruining his sister's stuff, or whether he is allowed to run around with drinks etc. I would be introducing a "drinks only allowed when sitting down at the table" rule.
DD needs to apologise to DS, OP needs to apologise to DD and they all need to work out ways of preventing that sort of accident.
There also needs to be discussion around why DD thought she could use that sort of insult, and whether she feels that DS's needs over-ride hers at times.

She called him a freak. You people are unbelievable. A man calls a woman a bitch and it’s game over. A girl calls her brother a freak and it’s understandable.

That poor kid will probably grow up with self confidence issues with a little madam of a sister like her.

Yeah and they should both apologise to each other. Your daughter for what she said and your son for his carelessness.

She over-reacted, you over-reacted. To salvage the learning from the incident, maybe send DH in to suggest that if she apologises to you and her brother for what she said, you might change your mind about the comp.

Sounds more like he is the little master.

And the poster who suggested ridiculing her in front of a friend’s parents as some sort of “consequences” is beyond words. Horrific.

Do they? OP has yet to say what her son’s consequences are for spilling the juice in the first place which is what caused the whole incident to begin with. Unless he’s blind, there was no reason for him to have juice near it. His sister was reacting to his actions and considering her words, doesn’t read like it is the first time.

Are you looking in the mirror as you type that? 😂

To add, siblings are fucking annoying sometimes. And it's OK for kids to feel that, even though it's better left unexpressed..

Whilst I agree that the juice shouldn't have been anywhere near, the difference is it was clearly an action. The sister's choice of words, not so much.

You dealt with his horribly.
Your son is clearly the golden child. I think you neeed to say sorry to her

So outbursts including name calling and then petulant eye rolling and doubling down on the insult is ok?

funny how it’s not ok when men do it

Why do you speak so kindly about your son and so meanly about your daughter? 'shes been banging on a out' a competition while HE ruined HER item and it's 'he already had tears in his eyes bless him'

You and DD both sound impulsive and do/say things in the heat of the moment that you may later regret. Tell her calmly that she hurt her brother's feelings and needs to apologise properly, just as you are apologising to her for saying in anger that her comp is cancelled.

You are going the right way about making her hate her brother even more OP.

He ruined her top, of course she was really upset. You should have told him off for being careless (he's 8, not 3) and told her off for being rude and left it at that.

She clearly feels he ruins everything for her and in this case it was true even if it wasn't done on purpose. She is allowed to be very upset about her top getting ruined as this is obviously very important to her - why would you punish her again by not letting her go? I think you could do with some help on parenting teens/tweens and how to foster positive sibling bonds if this is how you handle situations.

Your son is 8, he is not a little one - I think you may be babying him way too much while she gets all the stick for being the eldest. I have a life long hatred of my brother because i was brought up in the same dynamic.

Ridiculing her in front of a friend and their parents? Dumping her until the competition is over? That is bullying.

Yes, the consequence of spilling your drink over your sister's competition outfit is she gets angry. But neither you nor the OP seem to accept that. You are expecting an 11 year old to behave far better than you as an adult would.

You’ve lashed out and over reacted, exactly what your DD did, except you’ve behaved worse and she’s a nervous stressed child. Apologise to your daughter for massively over reacting, and tell her once she has properly apologised to her brother you will be happy to take her to her dance comp. hopefully you’ve worked to save the top!

The sisters words sound like a child who is always expected to pander to her difficult brother.

i have a similar age gap and a son who is difficult and at around the same age my DD pointed out that it wasn’t fair for her to always have to pander to him - yes she is older but she is still a child and he was her sibling so on an equal footing.
So I learnt then never to pander to him at the expense of her or anyone else. To have boundaries and to start to leave them to it. It worked wonders for both him and their relationship as well as teaching them a lot