Stepchildren stealing and lying

[GirlMama99]

Short backstory - married for 6 years to husband who has 4 kids from previous relationship. BM not been involved at all for 7 years. Me and DH have 2 kids together (2 and newborn). His children have always had problems with stealing, lying and sneaky behaviour since as long as he can remember apparently.

His son who is 13 has been caught stealing money from his grandma's purse, his dads wallet and from my hidden away saving jar. He also steals our phone chargers and other random things he takes any interest in. He's broken several of my babies toys, every phone or tv we have bought him has lasted weeks before being broken. He never showers or brushes his teeth without being threatened to take privileges away. He lies about completing his chores.
He is becoming a teen and I'm at wits end. I don't feel I have a right to discipline as I'm step mom and don't want him to hate me but I would not allow this from my bio kids.

I had my newborn last month prematurely (long hospital stay and me having health problems since, in and out of hospital). A couple of days ago I felt up to trying to cook a roast lunch for me and my toddler whilst the other kids were at school. It took me 4 hours to cook this dinner between breastfeeding and a screaming toddler running around. I had leftovers in the fridge which were going to be mine and my toddlers lunch the following day. When SS got home from school he instantly scouted the kitchen as he does and found my leftovers. He asked who they belonged to and I told him. The next morning he had eaten my leftovers. DH told him off (which does nothing) and said he was having his phone confiscated for a long time. The next day he has his phone back.

I am so angry about this because I feel extremely disrespected by both of them. This isn't the example I want set for my kids and I'm sick of these issues constantly in my house.

DH and I aren't speaking now and he's told me he and only he will discipline his kids how he sees fit and it's not my business.

You all live together, their actions are impacting you, god knows you need decent food when you’re bf, but so do growing children. The stealing needs addressing and your dp needs to follow through properly with sanctions. You need to be able to have some control over what’s happening on your house. Does your dp have dad guilt because the mum has nothing to do with her dc?

Your DH is the problem. I agree with disciplining the kids not being your job - that's not fair on you, OR the kids to be disciplined by someone not their mother (whether you like it or not, you did "move in on" their family through no choice of their own) but your DH needs to do a better job of disciplining them - and perhaps loving them - so you're not treated like shite in your own home.

Your step kids are going to have issues. Their mother isn't involved. Their father has a "new family" with new shiny baby children who get way more attention and love than they probably ever got - considering your kids have both their mum and dad living with them.

Your DH needs to sort this. Id be doing one if he doesn't and getting out of there, because it will just get worse as those step children get older and more angry.

Why on earth did you bring 2 new children into this household when the first 4 are running wild with zero discipline? (Probs a bit late to say that!)

If there is no BM on the scene, you ARE the parent and need to parent. If he won't let you then time to move out so your own kids don't go the same way.

Thank you! The lack of control i have makes me want to leave. His other kids have similar issues and it all combined is just too much. I don't think he did this out of guilt because he has been strict with discipline in the past but because it hasn't worked I feel like he's given up. My worry is they are close to adulthood and also influencing my toddler who copies everything her big bros and sis says and does.

Sorry? If they live with you and you have a long term relationship with children then of course you can discipline them?

This needs to be sorted now as it’s a matter of time before your two children will be directly impacted by DH’s poor parenting.

If you are expected to care for them like your own then that includes discipline. I took a step back in the early days with DSS of course, but he’s lived with me for nearly 4 years and I am the one who spends the most time with him and parents him the most.

We have also had issues with stealing and lying. Lying was about making sure that you don’t get in trouble for telling the truth. Sneaking and stealing we had to get to the bottom of why. He also would never brush his teeth if he didn’t ’have’ to. It takes a lot of hard work and consistent parenting to get results.

If you aren’t allowed to parent them do you still have to cook for them, do their washing, buy things for them? As if so then your DH is being completely unreasonable and if he didn’t accept that and make a change I would honestly get rid.

We only moved in after 1st daughter was born. I had no idea he would stop disciplining his kids at this point and hoped his kids behaviour would improve over time with routine and me here to help keep an eye. But yes you're right I need to think about my kids and leave. Just not easy and I'm worried about my daughters being around him and his kids without me here to intervene if needed. He often ignores dangerous things his kids are up to (SD playing with his razor blades and leaving them on bathroom floor, SS getting food out of the bin to eat). My kids are so young and vulnerable. Yes i do regret the situation I've put myself in :(

I find it weird that you'd cook a roast that took 4 hours for just you and your toddler and the other kids wound have to raid the fridge for food. Why isnt there a proper meal prepared for all children?

Yeah they sound wild, but the set up sounds weird.

Thank you for this. Yes I do cook for them, clean up after them, buy them clothes, book trips, all the usual parent stuff. But DH tells me I don't have to do these things so therefore I don't have a right. When I say "but I do parent them so I do have a right, he says don't parent them then". I feel like his disrespect for me is seeping through to them. I have been miserable living together since the day we did it. But feel so guilty to rip the family apart and leave especially since they don't have a mom involved.

You married a man with four kids, thought having more kids with him was a good idea, and didn’t see this was a disaster waiting to happen? Ok. You have made your bed here and all those kids need parenting. The first four dont have their mum around, only you - parenting and discipline is part of the deal. Your DH and you need to work as a better team before they all go off the rails one by one. You two need a serious talk about how you both are going to handle the parenting going forward. He can’t just throw his hands up, he has to take responsibility too. If he won’t, sadly you may need to consider leaving for the sake of your own kids.

Do the step kids live with you full time? If so, you definitely do have the right to discipline them. They are living in your home and the consequences of their behaviour directly affect you, so you do have a right to say what they can and can't do. Also, if their BM is absent, you have a duty of care for them. I don't think it's fair to expect your DH to do all the discipline.

If the 13-year-old is the eldest step kid, remember he is setting an example for the younger ones. They will see what he gets away with and therefore think it's acceptable behaviour. I think you and your DH need to sit down together and come up with a clear plan about behaviour and consequences, and present a united front by sticking to it.

Also, and I say this gently as I understand how difficult it is with a toddler and a newborn, but if you can cook a roast dinner for yourself and your toddler, could you not have made it for everyone for when they got home from work/school? Perhaps your step son felt a bit left out and saw it as favouritism that you'd do that for your child, but not your step children. If they perceive a difference in the sway you treat them versus your bio kids, of course they're not going to respect what you say.

This is a problem with your DH.

I do wonder if you could expand more on the roast that you made and family meals. Do you usually just cook for yourself and your child when there are other children in the home? Fair enough when you are the only ones home and the others are having lunch at school. To cook a roast, which was seemingly special and took 4 hours of effort, with leftovers, but none allowed for the other children seems mean.

Teenagers are always starving, but you don't appear to appreciate that and seem to think it is a fault of this child. I agree that he shouldn't take food that is someone else's, just query why he wasn't allowed a portion in the first place.

I feel sorry for all of the children and it is a shame that you chose to add 2 more to what appears to be chaos.

(Apologies, my formatting has gone awry.)

It’s time to move out OP, the kids problems are due to shit parenting from your DH and he doesn’t want you to help. If you stay your kids are next. The kids are not the problem here.

He is a useless parent and awful partner so I'd get my child away from him and his kids asap.

So the reason it took so long was the prep in between breastfeeding and dealing with my toddler. The roast was only a small chicken and some veg, enough for me and my toddler for our lunch for 2 days so I didn't have so much to do the following day. They had a separate meal (homecooked chilli, rice and nachos) which is their favourite. They eat hot dinners at school and then spend pocket money they get daily to get snacks for the bus on the way home from school. Honestly they are not hungry, he didn't do it out of hunger he did it out of greed and lying issues. My food was in a container hidden behind other food in the fridge and his dinner was laid out on the stove for him waiting for him to get home. This is what makes me even more mad about it

You are being ignored and disrespected. If you stay your children will go the same way and turn on your for trying to put in boundaries when Disney dad doesn’t have any.
his children will likely end up in a poor state in adulthood. If you don’t want this for your kids you need to leave.

I can’t get past the fact that you’re a household of 8, and you cooked a roast dinner for yourself and a toddler. If this is the way things work in your home I can see why the dc have issues.

What was he supposed to be eating?

No I didn't see it being this bad. I fell in love with someone who just happened to have 4 kids. I chose to move in and become a family out of love for him. Yes i knew it wouldn't be easy, but please don't judge harshly. I had 2 children with him because I want my own children and to experience motherhood and don't feel like I should have to go without just because he already has a lot. Its easy to say I've made my bed but until you're a step parent I don't think anyone truly knows what they are getting themselves into until you live it yourself. I thought i could cope with the added stress and problems and I've tried my best for years now

They sound neglected. Stealing food from a fridge and a bin? I can accept shower dodging. A lot go through this and mine are just starting. It's take ages to get my two in the shower so I can imagine doing it to 4 of them.

What I would say is they have had their mum leave for whatever reason and now they've been thrown into his dad new relationship with a some replacement kids (that's what they are seeing). By the sounds of it they don't even get cooked for with the rest of the new family? No wonder they are going off the rails.

Why is one of the kids getting food out the bin????

I suspect there is much more to your family than just what you are saying here.

A child who raids the fridge to finish a roast dinner and another who goes in the bin to eat scraps screams of kids who are starving.

Children lying are often children who are neglected in some ways and living in survival mode.

The leftovers thing sounds very selfish imho. Why didn't you let your ss and toddler share them? He sounds deeply unhappy 😔

I don't know how to edit the post but I need to add as I'm getting some heat about him not having the dinner cooked -
This was LUNCH for me and toddler during school times! They were all at school, they have a hot meal at school and money every day for snacks on the bus back home. We had also made a homecooked chilli which was laid out for them when they got home which is their favourite meal! He wasn't hungry and never is at home. He did it out of greed and sneakiness.

If your partner refuses to parent his own children or allow you to co-parent, he is the problem. It's a shame that you've chosen to have two more children with him as he is not a good father or partner. He is not going to change, is he? Meanwhile, you are cooking, cleaning and washing for his 4 children while apparently having no say in how they're brought up. If I were you I would leave. Your life will be a lot easier bringing up your two on your own.

Just leave. If your DH won't discipline them or let you do it, things will never improve. It sounds like a dangerous environment for your small children if your step-children are playing with razor blades so you need to protect them. It sounds like a miserable existence for all of you.

They have home cooked meals made for them 5/7 nights the other 2 nights are freezer food or takeaway. They get money every school dsy to get snacks for the bus on way home. He had a home cooked chilli set out on the stove for him upon his arrival home from school. They have hot dinners at school. My toddler and me are home all day so we obviously need lunch and as I cook dinner every day I wanted a break from cooking lunch which is what the leftovers were for!