Stepchildren stealing and lying

[GirlMama99]

Short backstory - married for 6 years to husband who has 4 kids from previous relationship. BM not been involved at all for 7 years. Me and DH have 2 kids together (2 and newborn). His children have always had problems with stealing, lying and sneaky behaviour since as long as he can remember apparently.

His son who is 13 has been caught stealing money from his grandma's purse, his dads wallet and from my hidden away saving jar. He also steals our phone chargers and other random things he takes any interest in. He's broken several of my babies toys, every phone or tv we have bought him has lasted weeks before being broken. He never showers or brushes his teeth without being threatened to take privileges away. He lies about completing his chores.
He is becoming a teen and I'm at wits end. I don't feel I have a right to discipline as I'm step mom and don't want him to hate me but I would not allow this from my bio kids.

I had my newborn last month prematurely (long hospital stay and me having health problems since, in and out of hospital). A couple of days ago I felt up to trying to cook a roast lunch for me and my toddler whilst the other kids were at school. It took me 4 hours to cook this dinner between breastfeeding and a screaming toddler running around. I had leftovers in the fridge which were going to be mine and my toddlers lunch the following day. When SS got home from school he instantly scouted the kitchen as he does and found my leftovers. He asked who they belonged to and I told him. The next morning he had eaten my leftovers. DH told him off (which does nothing) and said he was having his phone confiscated for a long time. The next day he has his phone back.

I am so angry about this because I feel extremely disrespected by both of them. This isn't the example I want set for my kids and I'm sick of these issues constantly in my house.

DH and I aren't speaking now and he's told me he and only he will discipline his kids how he sees fit and it's not my business.

@GirlMama99 think he just might have seen you coming??? clean the house so he doesnt have to?? cook a joint?? you cannot afford a joint. tell that lazy husband to get off his arse and get a job or is there more money on benefits???

If he's not working why are you struggling to cook lunch and do childcare? Wtf is he doing all day?

I was thinking that myself, can't he help to deal with the baby and toddler if he's home all day? I appreciate not always the case, my ex husband home all day wouldn't help one bit with the baby 'baby is your job'

He's a shit parent if he has brought them up to lie and steal and get away with it.
Get out now before your shared children turn out the same!

This!

AAAAAAARGH!!!!!

BOTH OF YOU, RTFT!

So they are all have neurodiversities which effect their impulse control?

Your DH doesn’t want you to discipline his children but has given up on doing that himself.
I feel sorry for the kids tbh. Lack of discipline feels like lack of caring to kids.
DH needs to step up and you need to operate as a team within a whole family.
If he won’t then you need to put your dc first but this will have a negative effect on step dc as they will feel abandoned by another adult and poor behaviour likely to escalate. What access arrangements would you anticipate for DH to see your joint children? Would he have all 6 eo weekend? You will have no control over what happens during that time.
Best result for all would be parenting classes/therapy and remain together
Look at The Solihull Method online.

This was never going to end well

Errrrr?????

Sounds like these children have been very poorly parented and neglected. Their behaviour reflects your husband. They’re young children.

There’s quite a lot of strange things going on here..

1. if your husband is at home all day as he’s not working; as you’re breastfeeding, why is he not looking after the toddler and doing the cooking of all your lunches?
2. you have detailed all the children have money for snacks for the bus home - is the 8 year old highly autistic son getting the bus without a parent?
3. what is the working plan? Since there’s a parent at home already, him, would it be worth your going back sooner?

but honestly, I’d leave. You have recognised that your desire for your own children clouded every single sensible judgement. But you can put that right a bit for your two by leaving. When we have children, it shouldn’t just be ‘because I want them’ it should be recognising that they are human beings to with their own wants. Your 4 sc will get harder and harder, I know this from experience of NDs.

OP, this doesn't sound happy or sustainable. I personally wouldn't choose to stay in these circumstances. I don't know if you can afford to leave or want to, but if your two also turn our to be ND then you are collectively in for one hell of a ride.

You are the other adult in a two adult household. They have no contact with their mum. Of course you should be disciplining them. If he won't let you AND also tells you that you don't need to do any aspect of parenting for them, then why do you all need to live together. Your life may well be considerably easier if you don't.

If he won't let you be a proper stepmum to them, please consider if this relationship is for you, and whether or not it's the right environment for your two. If he won't let you parent all 6. Then concentrate fully on your 2.

Goodness me , OP , this sounds like hell on earth !! What were you thinking of getting yourself into this situation .
You would not see me for dust !

he's told me he and only he will discipline his kids how he sees fit and it's not my business.

Firstly, if you live in the house with them and it's affecting you and your other children, it is absolutely your business, so shut that nonsense down.

Secondly, if "he, and only he will discipline his kids"...fine, that's often how it works in these situations.

But he, and only he, can now cook for them, clean for them, wash their clothes, do their shopping take them to school, etc etc.

He can't have it both ways - You're either raising them together or your raising them separately. If it's the later, you should really consider whether staying in the best thing for you long term. Having your own kids with him complicates this massively, but at some point you'll have to put them first.

I’m sorry but why couldn’t the kid have your leftovers when he got in from school hungry?? And you wonder why the relationship is strained and he’s clearly insecure.

Why are you doing the cooking if your husband doesn't work. Most of the kids are his and you have a newborn. If he stepped up generally you would no doubt cope much better.

FFS, why is everybody conveniently ignoring the fact that OP was cooking a lunch for the only 2 people who are eating lunch home, and had a portion left for the next lunch.
She then prepared an evening meal for everybody - it is not ok for a 13yo even with SN to decide to eat the next day’s lunch when they are told not to (assuming he is able to understand and follow basic instructions, which seem to be the case if he is attending school).

Honestly OP, stop the cooking and laundry for your step kids and let their dad do it, especially as he doesn’t work. Either you are allowed to parent them including handling the behaviour, or he can do it himself.

Please read the OP's posts. She has addressed this point a number of times.
The leftovers were for her (breastfeeding) and toddler's lunch whilst everyone else was at school.
It's called meal prepping.
The others had a large pot of chilli etc on the stove waiting for when they came home from school.
It's one of their favourite meals. They don't go without.

Read the OP's posts. She's addressed this a number of times.

There's no excuse for posters not reading all the OP's posts on a thread. Even the apps now have 'Read All' options with regard to the OP's updates.

This deliberate surfing from the opening post to the next available space to type an opinion seems to be particularly prevalent on the AIBU board.

Maybe we should call it 'AIBU opinion surfing'.

So you married a man with four children who don’t all have the same mum, one who is severely ND. Three who are slightly ND. Who doesn’t work.

You didn’t live together despite being married till you had a child. He won’t let you parent his children so you cannot punish them, you then had a second child with this lovely man. So 6 children by 3? 4? 5? Women. How many children live full time?

Honestly for your own two children you would likely be best to leave but also if 4 out of 6 children so far are ND then it’s highly likely your two will be as well.

His older 4 children are behaving how they do due to their various ND and likely traumatic experiences the ones who live full time with him because it’s extremely rare for dad to be the full time career. A child who lies and steals for fun isn’t a happy a child.

Not your business? You have to LIVE WITH THEM which makes it entirely your business!!! I really have sympathy for you as I was in a similar position where my dh was too frightened to hand out consequences to his kids. You have to spell it out to him- if he won’t, you move out and he can enjoy them on his own.