Stepchildren stealing and lying

[GirlMama99]

Short backstory - married for 6 years to husband who has 4 kids from previous relationship. BM not been involved at all for 7 years. Me and DH have 2 kids together (2 and newborn). His children have always had problems with stealing, lying and sneaky behaviour since as long as he can remember apparently.

His son who is 13 has been caught stealing money from his grandma's purse, his dads wallet and from my hidden away saving jar. He also steals our phone chargers and other random things he takes any interest in. He's broken several of my babies toys, every phone or tv we have bought him has lasted weeks before being broken. He never showers or brushes his teeth without being threatened to take privileges away. He lies about completing his chores.
He is becoming a teen and I'm at wits end. I don't feel I have a right to discipline as I'm step mom and don't want him to hate me but I would not allow this from my bio kids.

I had my newborn last month prematurely (long hospital stay and me having health problems since, in and out of hospital). A couple of days ago I felt up to trying to cook a roast lunch for me and my toddler whilst the other kids were at school. It took me 4 hours to cook this dinner between breastfeeding and a screaming toddler running around. I had leftovers in the fridge which were going to be mine and my toddlers lunch the following day. When SS got home from school he instantly scouted the kitchen as he does and found my leftovers. He asked who they belonged to and I told him. The next morning he had eaten my leftovers. DH told him off (which does nothing) and said he was having his phone confiscated for a long time. The next day he has his phone back.

I am so angry about this because I feel extremely disrespected by both of them. This isn't the example I want set for my kids and I'm sick of these issues constantly in my house.

DH and I aren't speaking now and he's told me he and only he will discipline his kids how he sees fit and it's not my business.

They have home cooked meals made for them 5/7 nights the other 2 nights are freezer food or takeaway. They get money every school dsy to get snacks for the bus on way home. He had a home cooked chilli set out on the stove for him upon his arrival home from school. They have hot dinners at school. My toddler and me are home all day so we obviously need lunch and as I cook dinner every day I wanted a break from cooking lunch which is what the leftovers were for

It's really shit of DH to let you be household skivvy but ban you from disciplining the children. If you are at home with the two youngest then presumably you spend more time with the sc. You are their primary caregiver? But you aren't allowed to parent them. What!?

It's emotional blackmail for him to say 'then don't do anything' for them. Who else is going to? Him? What about when you are the only one there?

I would be very worried about co-parenting with him should you leave but perhaps it's a better option then now.

Is DH home when the children come back from school? Who made the chilli, you or him?

He is severely autistic. Non verbal and in nappies at 8 years old. He often goes through the bins as it is sensory enjoyment for him. He will eat food off the floor in public if he spots it. He has sensory processing so he can't tell when he is full or what is safe. He is fed very often and gets meals at school. He isn't being starved. None of them are. Me and my husband both are good cooks and we make them home made meals in large portions. We have always been foodies and they don't go without.

I stopped at "every TV and phone we have bought him ".

If he cannot show respect for property you don't replace it! He needs to earn money to pay for a replacement.

He is in clear need of discipline and boundaries and rules.

What a mess. I’m a step mum, I’m hugely supportive of step mums. This isn’t salvageable and you need to move out asap. You were well aware of the considerable issues when you decided to have your second child and knew his failures as a parent. Can you afford to move out asap? At least you’ll just have your own kids to worry about.

I think that the roast should have been cooked for everyone and leftovers should have been shared. I can't fathom denying leftover food to teenagers. If you were going to do a roast, why on earth not get a bigger joint and do enough for everyone? I wouldn't consider eating leftovers "stealing", not would I consider borrowing chargers 'stealing'.

If one of the children is severely autistic, and the birth mum has left so also clearly has issues, then my bet is all / most of the children are autistic or ND in some way. The child who refuses to brush teeth, lies, steals, and does things like eating stuff you’ve asked him not to eat when there’s a chilli laid out for him already sounds like he has PDA (pathological demand avoidance, a type of autism).

that’s not to say you shouldn’t be allowed to discipline them. But there is probably way more behavioural stuff going on here than is “normal”, and it’s likely never going to be anywhere near perfect.

This with bells on. It is hereditary. You may well find that your 2 children are also autistic.

You need some kind of family therapy or to leave. You can't continue like this.

If he can't keep your children safe (Razor blades?!) I'd also be seeking legal advice about future custody arrangements for yours.

All the behaviours you listed are common in autistic children. Then you mentioned one child being autistic and that makes it even more likely the others could be as well. But yes if you are having children full time living with you then you need to be able to parent them as well - I don’t know how your partner thinks it’s going to work if you’re not allowed to.

Their behavior is usual for children who have experienced trauma and neglect. They need support and understanding which they are not getting from their dad by the sounds of it.

Out of his 4, 2 are autistic and 2 had ADHD. Which makes it very hard to know how to discipline correctly and know what is going to get through and what isn't. We have asked for help from schools and council, we have no family or friend support it's just us full time.

Your partner can’t cherry pick the bits of parenting you do. You’re either coparenting the children or you’re not. If he’s saying he doesn’t want to coparent with you then he needs to take responsibility for meeting all their needs. Of course it’s very sad that they then don’t have the guidance and boundaries they need to support their development. That’s on your partner though not you. You have to focus on what’s right for your children and how you ensure their safety.

Weird that you slagged his children off in your OP but didn’t mention any of them were ND. You might have gotten better replies if you’d been up front about this.

It wasn't cooked for them because they never eat it. It gets chucked away and it's expensive and time consuming. That's why we did them chilli. I also couldn't afford more than a small joint as DH is not working whilst I'm having ongoing health issues and we are broke. Another reason why the leftovers were important to be for mine and daughters lunch the next day. Like I said, they get hot meals at school and leftover money from bus fare to get snacks after school on way home. It is stealing because he was point blank explained what the food was for and his was there. The charger is an ongoing issue. He has broken and lost so many chargers , he had no intention of giving it back he even lied about where it was. He had taken it out of the wall socket with my baby monitor plugged in, that's how i keep my daughter safe to be in another room when I'm breastfeeding.

He's told you you have no right to parent these children so stop doing it in every way.
I would leave to protect your own children.

4 children with additional needs and you thought adding two more would be a good idea?

Your poor children.

Does the 13 year old have autism or ADHD?

Ah well the SEN update makes a huge difference. You need specific support and guidance from outside agencies (which you will most likely need to be hugely proactive and may have to fight for and it doesn't sound like your husband would do this.)

Adhd but undiagnosed

Your husband says it’s his business to discipline his kids which is ridiculous. They live in your house. Effectively you are their mother. I treated my step son exactly the same as my own son. My husband never once commented on this. Sounds like it’s your husband who is the root of the issue.

I agree completely.

Why undiagnosed?

This changes everything…yes it is incredibly hard to discipline children with autism or ADHD. To be honest all families I know with ND children (mine included) have problems with discipline, even those who have outstanding parenting. It’s the nature of the disability I’m afraid, and therefore home life is always going to have some kind of chaos / drama to it, esp as there are 4 stepchildren.

if you want to stay in this situation with your bio children, then I would suggest therapy for the children, and ND parenting classes for you and your partner. Therapy is expensive but you can find parenting classes for free (my kids regular state school holds them). I would also suggest finding ways around the problems instead of expecting them to improve. Not sure how you will do that but a certain level of acceptance is needed as this situation is never going to be perfect. I find it hard to tolerate my own children’s ND traits, and am not sure if I would have the capacity if they weren’t my bio children, but maybe you are a better person than me!

Your other option is to leave with your bio kids. If you can see autistic or ADHD traits in your partner then keep an eye out for them in your bio children as they grow

You may need to reframe the idea that it would be “ripping the family apart” to live separately. If you’re not co-parenting the step children the family isn’t really joined anyway. You sound like you have serious ill feelings and distrust towards the step children which will be damaging not helping them. This is a very chaotic and unhealthy environment to raise your two young children in. It may be more peaceful and more manageable to live separately, as well as putting the responsibility more firmly on your husband to raise his own children properly.