Stepchildren stealing and lying

[GirlMama99]

Short backstory - married for 6 years to husband who has 4 kids from previous relationship. BM not been involved at all for 7 years. Me and DH have 2 kids together (2 and newborn). His children have always had problems with stealing, lying and sneaky behaviour since as long as he can remember apparently.

His son who is 13 has been caught stealing money from his grandma's purse, his dads wallet and from my hidden away saving jar. He also steals our phone chargers and other random things he takes any interest in. He's broken several of my babies toys, every phone or tv we have bought him has lasted weeks before being broken. He never showers or brushes his teeth without being threatened to take privileges away. He lies about completing his chores.
He is becoming a teen and I'm at wits end. I don't feel I have a right to discipline as I'm step mom and don't want him to hate me but I would not allow this from my bio kids.

I had my newborn last month prematurely (long hospital stay and me having health problems since, in and out of hospital). A couple of days ago I felt up to trying to cook a roast lunch for me and my toddler whilst the other kids were at school. It took me 4 hours to cook this dinner between breastfeeding and a screaming toddler running around. I had leftovers in the fridge which were going to be mine and my toddlers lunch the following day. When SS got home from school he instantly scouted the kitchen as he does and found my leftovers. He asked who they belonged to and I told him. The next morning he had eaten my leftovers. DH told him off (which does nothing) and said he was having his phone confiscated for a long time. The next day he has his phone back.

I am so angry about this because I feel extremely disrespected by both of them. This isn't the example I want set for my kids and I'm sick of these issues constantly in my house.

DH and I aren't speaking now and he's told me he and only he will discipline his kids how he sees fit and it's not my business.

You poor thing. Amidst the hysterical ltb posts you’re getting, I think people have missed that you have just had a baby, have a toddler and four other children in a household without a big income. It’s an adjustment period right now. Breathe and do look into parenting courses or help, because that will equip you with skills to cope in the long term. Wishing you the very best of luck.

So to summarise neither you or your husband work, between the two of you, you now have 6 children? One is very high needs and is still in nappies and is non-verbal? The other three are also ND? The mother of the four kids isn’t involved. You only moved in after your first child and say you weren’t fully aware of the situation with the kids and their behaviour until then?

It sounds like neither you or your husband has given much thought to the children involved in this mess, but what is done is done. My advice would be to move out.

It’s not hysterical. He doesn’t respect her and won’t let her discipline the children (so how would parenting classes help?), but expects her to cook and clean for them. Whilst not working himself even though he should be supporting his family. How is it hysterical to suggest she’s better off without him?

I think there are very serious and complicated reasons why the children are ‘lying and stealing.’

The house is private rented mine and his. We were living apart until the birth of our daughter 2 years ago and this is our first house together.

Fine kick him and his 4 kids out then 🤷‍♀️

No. I cooked a meal for the first time since birth. A roast chicken dinner for mine and toddlers lunch. He was at school where he gets a hot dinner and also pocket money for after school to eat. Him and all the other kids had a home cooked chilli waiting for them when they got back from school. He ate the chilli, had his snacks that he had bought after school and then helped himself to mine and daughters lunch for the next day, where again he would be getting a hot meal at school. It took me 4 hours on and off because I'm back and forth breastfeeding and settling 2 under 2. He has never once been deprived of food. He eats a lot every day

If your sorry excuse of a husband is insisting you can't discipline his children then you need to move out and leave him. The whole setup sounds like an absolute nightmare.

God why did you two have more kids? Kids with additional needs and what sounds like deep seated trauma, and you thought another baby would help? There isn't going to be a solution to this OP. Leave if you can't cope with the other kids.

Oh come on, please let’s give OP a break! She’s got a newborn and a toddler and is clearly struggling. Remarks like “why did you have kids with him” are so unhelpful, as are comments about the roast meal when she’s explained MANY times that she had prepared the SS’s favourite meal for him.

OP, this sounds like an impossible situation and it doesn’t sound like it will improve. Does your husband know you are thinking about leaving? Will that change his attitude do you think? And if not, do you have outside support - friends, family - who can help you? Sounds like you need a bit of looking after.

These poor children don’t have a mother involved at all and knowing this, you decided to get with their dad. These poor kids probably have all kinds of separation trauma from losing their mum and this is coming out in their behaviour. I know this is hard for you but it’s 100% harder for them. You need to be kinder and do some research into attachment disorders and how badly this can affect the children ( that didn’t ask to be born in the first place).

He has 4 ND kids, one is none verbal. Many of the behaviours you describe are linked to their ND. They intensify even more in the teen years.
Im sorry op but your insane to have had two kids when your husband had so much on his plate.

Unfortunately, OP prioritised 'having children of her own' at all costs, rather than looking at what kind of father he was and how he parented and how this impacted on his already existing (4!) children and what kind of genetics appeared to be in play as they were screamingly on display.

Sad, really. But not surprising these days.

I wanted my own children and to become a mother. Why should I go without just because he has so many before me. When I met his kids it made me want my own as I fell in love with them too and wanted a chance to start from the beginning with my own. You never really know a situation until you're in it 24/7 , we didn't live together before we had my daughter because I was working overtime and saving money for a deposit to move in together and needed to do it without the stress of being full time step mom

I am really kind to them. I don't ever shout at them or treat them bad. This is why I want husband to discipline them and not me

Step up, make food for everyone, be a parent not a friend. Taking a charger is completely different to stealing money. Money put away securely or bank it. Stop replacing things. Tell DH to spend Quality time with each child individually, they have had to adjust to big changes and will also have abandonment issues. If you can't do the role of SP move out, they deserve better.

Obviously it's too late now, but this is why you don't have kids with people you don't know very well. And you stop at one if it's harder than expected. 6 kids is a lot in the very best of circumstances.
His kids are teens, he's not going to change how he parents at this point. I'd say serious professional help (therapy, parenting classes) is needed to deal with the additional needs and trauma that has lead to this behaviour. Stealing food out of bins is worrying behaviour. They sound like very insecure children to me.
This isn't something that can be fixed by you asking him to punish them a bit more. You need more realistic expectations and to both invest lots of time and probably money into them. If that can't happen, a clean break for your children is probably best.

OP, they're clearly hungry.

Kids eat (a lot!!) more food than adults. Try increasing portion sizes and having a range of filling snacks, always available.

Appreciate that the cost of food is going up. There's plenty of affordable meals that can be created to achieve this. E.g. using less meat and more lentils etc for protein.

I think that he must also be really unhappy. It's a busy household and he may feel starved of happy focussed family time to make him feel special and loved.

I do make food for everyone he had his favourite dinner there ready for him when he got home. He also had money given for snacks after school and a hot lunch at school. I made lunch for me and my daughter who are at home all day just us and the baby what the hell else am I meant to do i am so tired of people questioning why I only made lunch for us, I can't edit the OP so please read the thread!

It is totally understandable that you would be frustrated and disappointed that he ate the food you planned to make your life easier whilst juggling a newborn and toddler.

This impulsive eating of your food that he saw in the fridge is likely linked to his undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.

Frustrating as this is, it is not his fault, he is still young with a pre- frontal cortex in his brain that will not reach maturation until around age 25. This is the part of the brain that controls reasoning ability and impulsivity.

He likely needs stimulating in another way to get the hit his brain desires to avoid him fixating on the dopamine hit from food. Some other distractions that will provide that hit will help, like physical activity or gaming.

Start making a diary of his behaviour with his Dad to gain evidence to push for a diagnosis via the GP and get his Dad to speak to the SENCO at school.

His Dad needs to take this lead on this because you have your hands very full at the moment and this increased burden on you will also impact on the other children so he needs to take responsibility and not ignore this.

Also maybe fridge lock and a cupboard lock for cupboards you do not want him to take food out of might be a good idea. He then has to ask and cannot take food he is not allowed without you knowing. You could leave the snack cupboard or certain snacks free access within reason, considering that money is tight and certain snacks cost more.

https://www.healthline.com/health/teen-brain-development#reasoning-center

https://www.edgehill.ac.uk/news/2022/06/adhd-why-it-can-make-it-harder-to-keep-eating-habits-in-check-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/

https://chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-news-adults/brain-reward-response-linked-to-binge-eating-and-adhd/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CMany%20individuals%20with%20ADHD%20are,Dr.

If they're genuinely definitely not hungry, then stealing food (especially from bins) is really worrying. You need to ask social services for help.

I promise you he's not hungry! If you saw the size of the portions he had! He gets food whenever he wants it, he also gets money for food when traveling to and from school by bus! Some times after school he declines dinner because he's not hungry as he's eaten before he got the bus home and he just has a cup of tea and a couple biscuits ! He knows when he's full or hungry and food has never been an issue. It's the stealing. And taking stuff that doesn't belong to you is stealing whether it's family and in the house or not. Simple. He's a teen and he's capable! He's not treated cruelly!

You cannot possibly live in a home with six children and not be allowed to discipline four of them. That's insane. Not only because they'll all shortly be teen-agers and be a nightmare to you because they know you can't do anything about it, but also because there'll be two tier discipline. Your own children will soon resent being disciplined by you, when the others get away with murder.

I'm sorry but this relationship is doomed.

I should have been less vague when mentioning the eating from the bin. Only 1 child does this. It's his autistic 8 year old who is severely impaired. I just brought it up as a safety issue as my toddler copies everything and idolises her siblings and wants to be like them. He takes food from the bin and off the floor even in public and will eat it and throw it around. My toddler then copies and this could be very dangerous

This, I find it odd this rule.

I understand setting punishments need discussion.
But grandparents set boundaries when they are babysitting. When looking after any kids, poor behaviour is called out, because you can't not intervene or say anything if a young child pegs it into the road. It's not about being "parent" but it's basic health and safety being the responsible adult.

Even amongst adults, if a friend, colleague does something rude, you generally say it's rude and implement a boundary. As we are all autonomous individuals that deserve mutual respect and no individual is exempt from living in a world of others and needing to respect each other.

Sorry I've detracted from the point. I think you would feel far more zen moving out and setting up a home where you can focus just on you and your kids and have some say in your home life and environment. I guarantee you will feel a big sense of relief.

And please can people stop derailing this thread to take about the roast dinner and food!
@GirlMama99 you really don't have to make repeat posts to justify yourself to these people.