Stepchildren stealing and lying

[GirlMama99]

Short backstory - married for 6 years to husband who has 4 kids from previous relationship. BM not been involved at all for 7 years. Me and DH have 2 kids together (2 and newborn). His children have always had problems with stealing, lying and sneaky behaviour since as long as he can remember apparently.

His son who is 13 has been caught stealing money from his grandma's purse, his dads wallet and from my hidden away saving jar. He also steals our phone chargers and other random things he takes any interest in. He's broken several of my babies toys, every phone or tv we have bought him has lasted weeks before being broken. He never showers or brushes his teeth without being threatened to take privileges away. He lies about completing his chores.
He is becoming a teen and I'm at wits end. I don't feel I have a right to discipline as I'm step mom and don't want him to hate me but I would not allow this from my bio kids.

I had my newborn last month prematurely (long hospital stay and me having health problems since, in and out of hospital). A couple of days ago I felt up to trying to cook a roast lunch for me and my toddler whilst the other kids were at school. It took me 4 hours to cook this dinner between breastfeeding and a screaming toddler running around. I had leftovers in the fridge which were going to be mine and my toddlers lunch the following day. When SS got home from school he instantly scouted the kitchen as he does and found my leftovers. He asked who they belonged to and I told him. The next morning he had eaten my leftovers. DH told him off (which does nothing) and said he was having his phone confiscated for a long time. The next day he has his phone back.

I am so angry about this because I feel extremely disrespected by both of them. This isn't the example I want set for my kids and I'm sick of these issues constantly in my house.

DH and I aren't speaking now and he's told me he and only he will discipline his kids how he sees fit and it's not my business.

This is one of the craziest threads I’ve read. So you’ve been together 6 years which makes the severely autistic/disabled child two when you got together. You met and fell in love - but where/when as you say neither of you have parents/family around? Who looked after the four children aged 2-7 one being severely disabled and the other three having mild autism or ADHD whilst you two dated?
You say you have been unhappy since you moved in with a new born but now you’ve had another!!
You actually do sound like a nice, caring mum. My head wants me to tell you to leave, my heart doesn’t want you to leave those poor children. Part of me says this just can’t be real, especially as you say a roast chicken and a few veg took you four hours to concoct.
Well it’s got me thinking OP

Can I ask, was the roast dinner for you all that evening or literally just for you and your toddler?

I voted unreasonable as he obviously has issues maybe adhd or otherwise and obv needs help with this or assessed plus I do think he is entitled to eat. I totally appreciate the need for good food at this stage for you though but maybe you can cook more of it so more leftovers . Could you do a one tray roast or pre prepared stuff in oven so everyone can have it and more often? Not being unsympathetic it sounds so hard but harder for you if he continues to have issues

I’m not gunna comment on everything because it feels like a situation only you understand. Just in response to the struggle for adhd stuff have you looked into the right to choose act? Not sure how it works for kids but basically you can be referred to certain private clinics through your gp. Have a google, I went through psychiatry uk and they are fantastic but I know they’ve got a bit of a backlog now.
I don’t think it’s fair for everyone to come at you for wanting your own kids. Not everything is logical and it’s too late to go back in time now. Can you do family counselling? Maybe even just couples counselling would help so you can talk about your issues with a mediator. Good luck!

This.

Oh why can't people read and stop making stuff up!

HIS FAVOURITE MEAL WAS COOKED READY FOR HIM!

So yes, what an awful stepmother

I think people are being harsh to op and focusing on the wrong thing.

The possible ADHD may he a reason but not an excuse for stepson to continue stealing, lying and generally being unpleasant.

Op's father seems ineffective as well as unsupportive here, but posters continue to go after op for having 2 more children for cooking a roast for her and her child.

If op can't discipline his children, then he needs to step up himself and show them that he has the OP's back.

OP, I hope you get support in real life. Sounds like an awful situation to be in.

Good grief your DH needs a talking to.

yes they’re not your Bio kids, but guess what you’re the one bringing them up as BM not around, you do the work so yea you damn well get a say in decisions and you both need to be on the same page, your DH needs to bend more than you.

I would suggest with DH a plan, then sit all kids down tell them no more and this is how it is now and your voice and opinion matters.

I do feel for the kids abandoned by BM and probably visualise SM as some evil Disney character, but enough of that now they’re old enough to all pull together. If only one is the issue spell out what issues there are so clearly they know if issues lay with them or not.

I really feel for you in this, bonded families can work well but I think there is a lot of groundwork and clarity needed everyday, good luck.

What's he been eating while your unwell and not able to cook ?? Maybe he was just hungry

However I do feel that with the money theft and the behaviour an appointment with chams and Eve ringing the police is required

You don't need to ask. OP has explained this multiple times, if you could just be bothered to read her posts.

The meals are not the issue in this situation, for goodness sake.

Op flounced days ago when it was suggested she take responsibility for her choices. She doesn't need you defending her. The meals are an issue, lots of us think so.

Just stop and read the thread. She's explained that point more than once. What makes you think kicking someone whilst they are down and struggling is the way to go?

OP, stop replying to people like the above, don't give them oxygen. You've already explained over and over. Take the positive advice and maybe the constructive criticism. MN can be an awful.unsupportive place sometimes.

Agree that you have a DH problem.

He can't demand you stay out of parenting them when his efforts are so ineffectual and the behaviours are impacting on the whole family.

He's demanding his cake and eating it (although, frankly, it sounds like a REALLY shit cake).

Time for a long talk and some firm boundaries put in place and if they are, again, ineffectual and your feelings are ignored, I'd be questioning the relationship.

Maybe this is one of those threads, that are becoming increasingly common on MN, where certain pps have migrated here to derail the thread.

It makes me wonder. It's shocking on here today, I don't want to believe so many people are like this in real life. An incel infiltration is slightly more palatable.

I can’t get past the fact this child has been disciplined for eating leftovers. You are both an absolute disgrace.

Honestly if I had 4 ND children and their father walked out the last thing I’d be doing is having more children with another man! Your DP hasn’t put his children first at all

There was dinner for him. If money’s tight children can’t just help themselves to food especially if they’re been told it isn’t for them. I have a specific diet and get really annoyed if someone helps themselves to my food if I’ve asked them not to!

But would you expect a child to eat from a bin like she did the other step child?

This is what many men do though. He wanted a nanny for his existing kids so part of the deal was giving the woman filling that role kids of her own.

They were clearly both desperate and irresponsible in different ways to do this.

It’s the kids I feel sorry for.

Sorry but his behaviour is disgusting! (Your husbands)
IF the children are in YOUR home then you should 100% have a say in their discipline.
The fact your husband doesn’t follow through on consequences is telling the teenager that he doesn’t respect you and so the teenager doesn’t need to!
The behaviour your step kids get away with will 100% rub off on your 2 children! Or will your husband also undermine you when you try to enforce boundaries on your own children!
Also I’m sorry but if your stepson breaks his TV he does not get another one!! Things aren’t just replaceable, he needs to learn to respect his things and things belongings to others.