Stepchildren stealing and lying

[GirlMama99]

Short backstory - married for 6 years to husband who has 4 kids from previous relationship. BM not been involved at all for 7 years. Me and DH have 2 kids together (2 and newborn). His children have always had problems with stealing, lying and sneaky behaviour since as long as he can remember apparently.

His son who is 13 has been caught stealing money from his grandma's purse, his dads wallet and from my hidden away saving jar. He also steals our phone chargers and other random things he takes any interest in. He's broken several of my babies toys, every phone or tv we have bought him has lasted weeks before being broken. He never showers or brushes his teeth without being threatened to take privileges away. He lies about completing his chores.
He is becoming a teen and I'm at wits end. I don't feel I have a right to discipline as I'm step mom and don't want him to hate me but I would not allow this from my bio kids.

I had my newborn last month prematurely (long hospital stay and me having health problems since, in and out of hospital). A couple of days ago I felt up to trying to cook a roast lunch for me and my toddler whilst the other kids were at school. It took me 4 hours to cook this dinner between breastfeeding and a screaming toddler running around. I had leftovers in the fridge which were going to be mine and my toddlers lunch the following day. When SS got home from school he instantly scouted the kitchen as he does and found my leftovers. He asked who they belonged to and I told him. The next morning he had eaten my leftovers. DH told him off (which does nothing) and said he was having his phone confiscated for a long time. The next day he has his phone back.

I am so angry about this because I feel extremely disrespected by both of them. This isn't the example I want set for my kids and I'm sick of these issues constantly in my house.

DH and I aren't speaking now and he's told me he and only he will discipline his kids how he sees fit and it's not my business.

I didn't mention it because only 1 of his children are not able to function normally for his age. The other 3 are very highly functioning, intelligent and capable. I didn't mention the fact we suspect( the son i am referring to ) has adhd because his behavior still isn't acceptable and I don't believe in blaming it on adhd. I am not slagging them off at all. I am stating the facts of behavior. I would speak the same about my own daughter and I do when she misbehaves. Because I am step mom you are taking it as me being hateful towards them but that's not the case. I have given 6 years of my life to being patient and supporting them but these things are crossing the line now which is why I ask for advice on here

Thank you for this. I'm in the UK and it's really hard to get the right help. Especially since they are so high functioning and the school don't believe there are any problems.

It’s not because you are a step mum. It’s the starting about the thread about their lying, stealing, bad behaviour when actually this is a DH issue. And he isn’t high functioning if he can’t take care of his basic personal care, which you have said he can’t.

He is capable of showering and brushing his teeth. He chooses not to. He also chooses to lie about it to the point my husband checks his teeth and smells his breath every morning to find out the truth.
Yes the adhd may make it harder for him to keep up to tasks but I personally don't believe he should be given a break for things that are completely unacceptable. If we don't enforce things now then how will he cope as an adult? I think being strict about how to be a decent human being , don't lie steal and keep up with hygiene , isn't an evil thing to do. I don't want him to grow up thinking these things are excused because of adhd.
How would you personally handle these issues? Because for years I have been patient , asked nicely, offered rewards for certain things but it doesn't work

I didn't know the other 3 had problems until I moved in with my daughter. They are high functioning and intelligent and mask at school.

Book a nice holiday for just you and your two kids when he asks why you didn't book it for all of them fire back at him 'you said not to parent them'. Have break and them decide if you can go it alone and if you real want to leave him.

Move out.
Asap.

Your children deserve so much better than this.
How on earth were you so completely oblivious to what was going on?

Pack up and move out.
Do you have family who will take you?

You cooked a roast dinner for yourself and a toddler,that took 4 hours .you ate it and there was leftovers..that you told everyone were yours ..then you got upset because your son ate them.
UBVU
Why not just cook a roast for the whole family .
If you can spend 4 hours cooking for yourself,you can cook a roast for everyone
You can't possibly tell a hungry child of for eating leftovers
What planet are you on ..so selfish

The drip feed on this thread is astonishing. Your DP doesn't work, one of the kids is non- verbal and in nappies (they clearly aren't getting snacks for themselves on the way home from school are they so who is feeding them). Your SCs sound traumatised and you are foolish to have thought you could have 2 more children with this man and everything be easy. Six children are hard work even if all of them are NT.

This

You shouldn't have brought more children into this mess, frankly, and while that ship has sailed, the least you can do is not raise them in it. I would take them and go. Let their dad deal with his disrespectful, rude children and you raise yours up decently.

Leave OP. This isn't going to get any better.

I don’t think being strict is bad either, I think your DH telling you it’s not your place to parent is bad though, and that is a DH problem. Parenting courses would help, getting a diagnosis and understanding ADHD (if he has it) would help, but your husband doesn’t want you to discipline and won’t back you up so it’s a waste of time, I’d leave if I were you. And not because of the children.

Think this is the biggest drip feed I've ever seen!

And actually, being neuro divergent absolutely does make things like hygiene and feeding oneself difficult. The stealing will be due to impulse control. Not that I agree a kid eating food from his own house is stealing.

You can't punish autism/ADHD away.

If you want to stay with this man, you need to do some research on how to support these kids. They've been through, and are still going through a lot. I really think you need to give these kids a break.

What’s the back story with the children’s mum, OP? Why is she so completely out of the picture? How did, and do, the children cope with that?

So you moved in with a man who had 4 children and one of them being severely disabled. Their mother not being in the picture. And you have two more children with him. He saw you coming.

Agree with all of this

It sounds like these children are deeply damaged. Having just seen the update it's obvious that more support is needed all round. It's too simplistic to label this behaviour as sneaky and greedy.

I was just about to type this, shouldn’t OP be cooking as a small or does she only cook for herself and her kids and DH cooks for the other kids?

yes the stealing and other issues need to be addressed but this jumped out as a weird setup within the house.

Edit: I saw your update about the messsge form your DH not to parent them or care for them because he doesn’t want you to discipline them. You have a massive DH problem and I really don’t see that changing so your options are to accept it as it is or start planning your exit.

Unfortunately it’s late but these are red flags that need to be seriously taken into consideration when getting involved with a man with kids from another marriage before you bring additional kids to the mix.

Personal preference but frankly I can’t see myself getting involved with a man who has 4 kids already from a previous marriage, too much potential for drama and stress for me to get involved with and I have no interest in managing 6 kids 4 of whom I have no control or influence over.

Did he eat the chilli as well?

You have been married 6 years but only moved in after the birth of your first child?

He has 4 ND kids, one is none verbal. Many of the behaviours you describe are linked to their ND. They intensify even more in the teen years.

Im sorry op but your insane to have had two kids when your husband had so much on his plate.

I would suggest family counselling for you and your husband. Your family rules and discipline will look different to NT families.

Stealing food we don't punish in my house. I have locks on certain things due to my kids incredibly poor impulse control. I have a fridge lock box for treats or they get eaten.

We have a big poster of family rules. We also have set routines.

Lying is a problem with adhd esp as they feel panicked when confronted and will lie about the most inane things. I found adhd parenting classes and books heplful in understanding how and why they do the things they do

These are adhd and often asd classic traits. I have shower dodgers and toothbrush and have to check.

I found no screens time until morning shower and they can watch their phones or tv while brushing. Flavoured toothpaste helps like strawberry.

Try to keep in mind ND kids are usually 5 years behind in maturity so a 13 year old is more like an 8 year old in terms of needing supervision and reminders.

Oh dear op. I also thought it was odd that you cooked a roast dinner for yourself but now I have read the whole thread, your situation is a mess and you were mad to have a new family in that situation.

You did know about the dc’s needs if one of them is non-verbal and you have a newborn. Plus the mother not being on the scene was a big clue there were serious problems. Even setting up home with four ‘average’ stepchildren would be a challenge.

I think you have a difficult time ahead of you but you and your partner have to work together on it.

They live in your home with both you and their father therefore you have every right to discipline them. Get a small safe from Argos and confiscate things into it until you feel they should be returned. This shitty behaviour and lack or respect towards you from both them and their father has been allowed to go on for far too long. It needs taking in hand now before it is too late. Clearly these kids think they can do what they want when they want. If your husband will not back you up and step up to be parent and partner then your options are to ask him to move out with the step kids or take matters into your own hands. Start taking/breaking/eating their stuff and when they object tell them of it’s ok for them to do it to you it’s ok for you to do it for them!
stepkids do not get to rule the roost.

Did you miss OPs huge drip feed about all the kids being ND? And the fact she moved into THEIR house 2 years ago so she’d need to move back out?

I really wish people would read the posts properly! The OP is being accused of everything from starving the children to child abuse! She should not have to repeat the scenario of why she was cooking for herself and the toddler during the day 4 times for people to get it.
And why do people insist on saying she should have had her children....she has them, she can't put them back! Venting on the OP is not helpful.
In my opinion, which you don't have to agree with, I don't think things will get easier. I think they will get harder as the children grow so unless your DH changes his attitude, I would consider making a life away from them all for you and your two children.