Stepchildren stealing and lying

[GirlMama99]

Short backstory - married for 6 years to husband who has 4 kids from previous relationship. BM not been involved at all for 7 years. Me and DH have 2 kids together (2 and newborn). His children have always had problems with stealing, lying and sneaky behaviour since as long as he can remember apparently.

His son who is 13 has been caught stealing money from his grandma's purse, his dads wallet and from my hidden away saving jar. He also steals our phone chargers and other random things he takes any interest in. He's broken several of my babies toys, every phone or tv we have bought him has lasted weeks before being broken. He never showers or brushes his teeth without being threatened to take privileges away. He lies about completing his chores.
He is becoming a teen and I'm at wits end. I don't feel I have a right to discipline as I'm step mom and don't want him to hate me but I would not allow this from my bio kids.

I had my newborn last month prematurely (long hospital stay and me having health problems since, in and out of hospital). A couple of days ago I felt up to trying to cook a roast lunch for me and my toddler whilst the other kids were at school. It took me 4 hours to cook this dinner between breastfeeding and a screaming toddler running around. I had leftovers in the fridge which were going to be mine and my toddlers lunch the following day. When SS got home from school he instantly scouted the kitchen as he does and found my leftovers. He asked who they belonged to and I told him. The next morning he had eaten my leftovers. DH told him off (which does nothing) and said he was having his phone confiscated for a long time. The next day he has his phone back.

I am so angry about this because I feel extremely disrespected by both of them. This isn't the example I want set for my kids and I'm sick of these issues constantly in my house.

DH and I aren't speaking now and he's told me he and only he will discipline his kids how he sees fit and it's not my business.

She might have addressed it, but 2 different children are stealing food. There's a big problem there somewhere that isn't being addressed.

She has addressed both of these numerous times.

Their favourite meal was waiting for them!

She has addressed them on here, but nobody is addressing them with the children. Happy children, well supported children don't steal food.

Dunno

Why can't you read the OP's posts?

This is all a bit insane, but for the love of god get yourselves on parenting courses asap.

you cannot discipline ADHD out of anyone. You need appropriate strategies, medication, individual plans in place to meet his needs.

I absolutely never use my son’s diagnosis do let him off poor behaviour, but parent him according to his needs and using strategies that work for him.

even if you split up, you’ll need to learn to parent properly because your two will likely have one or several diagnoses between them.

I have to ask if the poster who told the op to book a holiday was joking? They live in a household with 6 children and nobody works.

I still can’t get past that you cooked a roast for you and your toddler for 2 days worth of lunches, who eats a roast dinner for lunch? And you said your dp doesn’t work so where was he? None of this makes sense. You said it’s because it’s expensive, why do you and your toddler deserve better food than the other children. I don’t think you actually want to parent the other children, children that are clearly damaged you sound quite selfish, there are 6 children in this mess not just your 2 children.

"None of this makes sense"
😂

Ok I can get past you not bothering to read OPs posts explaining this multiple times. But seriously what do you mean who eats a roast dinner for lunch?? It’s meat and veg for one thing! Schools serve it, it’s common on Christmas Day and generally Sundays. Have you never been out for a Sunday lunch??

The situation sounds difficult to say the least. You are the mother figure in your stepchildren's lives since their own mother has evidently abandoned them. You must know how traumatic that would be for a child. The 13-year-old hasn't seen his mother since he was 6? That poor boy. And now his dad has a new wife and a couple of new kids, it's entirely understandable that he feels insecure. Especially since you didn't move in with them until 2 years ago after your first child was born. The children must have felt that they were being replaced by the latest model. I find it very sad that your stepson took the food intended for you and the toddler. He may be (unconsciously) trying to show that he is just as important in the family as you and his little sister are. Given the background, his motivations are probably more complex than just "greed" or "sneakiness."

Of course you and your DH should be a united front with all the children and you should be able to make decisions about the stepchildren. I don't think punishment is the answer here (if that is what you mean by "discipline"). Maybe family counselling would be helpful.

Also why on earth isn't your husband working? How long has he been out of work?

OP, where’s the mum? Why did she effectively disappear?

Is the 8 year old child with ASD at a special school?

I used to steal food and I can tell you I had the happiest childhood, I was just greedy and wanted to eat a specific item and not the more sensible options my parents would have offered if I asked.

too late to worry about him hating u, u have ensured he does!

So the straw that broke the camels back was him eating some food? Can't say I'd love the stealing and lying. But I also wouldn't be bothered about my step child eating food from their own fridge.

Perhaps. But the food isn't an isolated issue in this case.

You can't steal food from your own house, unless you mean from a shop or something

Every household has their rules I guess, but when I was a child certain food were available to eat freely (fruit, crudites, bread, soft drinks, yoghurts, etc) but for the rest we were expected to ask an adult, not just help ourselves!
Same goes for my DC today.

Is the 13 year old aware of your precarious financial situation? I think you said your partner is unemployed. So a family of 8 on welfare which I presume means things are tight.

That must be quite stressful for all of you. Would that be why he acts out.

Your partner needs to be onboard with you parenting them, otherwise I’d be thinking about getting myself out of the relationship. Is he a lot older than you? Do you struggle to stand up to him?

Your partner is being ridiculous to say that it's not your place to discipline his children. It would be different if he only had them at weekends, and you were just his girlfriend, but you live together, have other children together, and his children live with you 24/7. If he can't see that you MUST be allowed to discipline them, in order to maintain order in the household, then he is just plain stupid. How does he think your joint kids are going to react when they get older, and you discipline them because you are their mother? They will immediately start saying, but that's not fair, you don't make Johny or Jenny clear up after themselves, so why should we? How do you then explain to them that their Dad is happy for you to tell them off, but not his other children??

My advice therefore, is to get out now, while your children are still young enough not to have been affected by this, as your partner is clearly not going to change his attitude, and the longer you stay, the harder it will be for everyone, when you finally admit you can't go on any longer.

Utterly stupid to get with a man with 4 kids, then to go on to have two more! You win.
just leave him instead of reducing yourself to fighting with a child over chicken. Surely you can’t be ok with your life coming to that.
your poor kids in this mess.

These kind of rules are absolutely fine with NT dc. I have one and she would abide by this rule. My child with ND wouldn’t, as is it would make no logical sense to her.

You have martyred yourself on the altar of motherhood. Having 4 stepchildren, some with behavioural disabilities, on top of your very young bio children is an enormous task. You are entitled to discipline the step children, you've been in their lives for 6 years! However, their primary carer should be their dad. I doubt that he is capable of changing, he cleverly got a lovely woman to fall for him & cook & clean for his children. I cannot understand why you remain there, especially as you fear the influence of the stepchildren on your two youngsters. Things will only get worse. You have two options - move out or get things to change at home by confronting your husband and issuing ultimatums. You are in a truly awful place.

It's awful. People are so desperate to jump in with their withering little put-downs. OP has explained multiple times and yet people just won't fucking stop!

Your husband isn’t feeding his kids enough food which is why they are stealing.

Your options are to buy a mini fridge or divorce your husband.

As soon as I read the OP post I thought that child is ND.
OP- It's hard being a parent to a child with additional needs never mind more than one (I have one, and him in doors is too - which I got him assessed for a couple of years back as his lazy parents couldn't be arsed to deal with him).
Your OH needs to step up and parent and start supporting his kids with their behaviours.
Have you got support with regards the additional needs?