Stepchildren stealing and lying

[GirlMama99]

Short backstory - married for 6 years to husband who has 4 kids from previous relationship. BM not been involved at all for 7 years. Me and DH have 2 kids together (2 and newborn). His children have always had problems with stealing, lying and sneaky behaviour since as long as he can remember apparently.

His son who is 13 has been caught stealing money from his grandma's purse, his dads wallet and from my hidden away saving jar. He also steals our phone chargers and other random things he takes any interest in. He's broken several of my babies toys, every phone or tv we have bought him has lasted weeks before being broken. He never showers or brushes his teeth without being threatened to take privileges away. He lies about completing his chores.
He is becoming a teen and I'm at wits end. I don't feel I have a right to discipline as I'm step mom and don't want him to hate me but I would not allow this from my bio kids.

I had my newborn last month prematurely (long hospital stay and me having health problems since, in and out of hospital). A couple of days ago I felt up to trying to cook a roast lunch for me and my toddler whilst the other kids were at school. It took me 4 hours to cook this dinner between breastfeeding and a screaming toddler running around. I had leftovers in the fridge which were going to be mine and my toddlers lunch the following day. When SS got home from school he instantly scouted the kitchen as he does and found my leftovers. He asked who they belonged to and I told him. The next morning he had eaten my leftovers. DH told him off (which does nothing) and said he was having his phone confiscated for a long time. The next day he has his phone back.

I am so angry about this because I feel extremely disrespected by both of them. This isn't the example I want set for my kids and I'm sick of these issues constantly in my house.

DH and I aren't speaking now and he's told me he and only he will discipline his kids how he sees fit and it's not my business.

Yes, the self-righteous do love to prowl on here. It's all projection and they think it makes them feel better but it just masks their own insecurities and less than perfect lives.

As a mother of an autistic child - this sounds like an absolute nightmare.

If you’re the one with health issues then why isn’t your husband working??

He has six children to support.

That still wouldn't be stealing. What else could they steal 🤔 water, warmth, electricity?

You're not being unreasonable and neither are the children.
Stealing can be a sign of trying to fill a hollow or replace loss. Lying can be a sign of fearfulness or being at bay.
Maybe 13 seems old when there are tiny children around too, but it's not. The surge of hormones feel like being a big toddler emotionally.
Maybe a youth counsellor or even just youth club might help?

Good grief- they are children. You are supposed to be the adult. You made a roast dinner for you and your toddler(wtf?) and put the “leftovers” in the fridge and you are angry that the older boy ate them? Are you that selfish greedy and withholding with all of them? Their mother has “gone” and you have pitchef up in their lives making roast dinners(again wtf) for yourself and calling it stealing when they eat your leftovers. And you call them monsters? No wonder they are unhappy and “stealing” things because they are not loved

Stealing and lying is a classic sign of childhood trauma and attachment insecurity. You say their BM hasn’t been on the scene for 7 years? Bingo there’s your answer. It’s a very complex situation but this is a result of unmet need (not in the way you think) Please look into therapeutic parenting groups on Facebook. It’ll break your heart when you realise what’s actually going on (step mum here also).

This is why the negatives of being with someone with kids FAR outweigh the positives.

If they're awesome and you love them, if the relationship ends, you have zero rights to them. If they're sh!ts and you hate them, you can't get rid if them, and you have no power to discipline them.

Your partner clearly has an 'us against the world' mentality... you're just tagged on, not an actual partner.

I agree with this—I can’t understand this food pattern. One of the step children takes food out if the bin? That is a sign of either disordered eating or disordered parenting. My money is on extremely disordered parenting.

Sorry: I have just seen the information on the ASD child. I still think there is really problematic parenting here but that ship has sailed given that OP’s DH chose to have two more children when he couldn’t handle the four he already had.

If your husband isn't working why couldn't he have helped you make lunch instead of you having to run backwards and forwards breast feeding when you have so many health problems?

This is batshit. I’ve read the whole thread and feel for the OP but it seems like a ‘no winners’ situation whichever way it pans out. The DH must be amazing in bed/very charming to get anyone to agree to two more children on top of the four he already had with no mother in the picture. I’d have run a mile. But the ship has sailed. I’d advise leaving, it won’t get better and there are 8 people to consider in this messy family muddle.

Why didn't you cook a roast dinner for all DC? Also you mention his kids scouting the kitchen for food after school and another eating food from the bins. It seems to me these step kids are hungry and need a reliable food source. They wouldn't need to steal food then.

You've given 6 years of your life to this man and his children but something isn't working. If you can't come up with a joint plan on how best to parent all the children together, meeting all their needs you need help from outside agencies. Or you need to seriously think about separating your households so you can focus on the younger two and he can parent his four children the way he sees fit.

Any step parent has the right to discipline their step children when they’re under the same roof. Or to put another way: my house, my rules.

This needs addressing immediately, as you say your younger children will be copying the behaviour. Frankly, unless you want them to end up the same way you need to remove them from the situation urgently.

Why didn't you read OP's MANY posts explaining that the roast was for two lunches for her and her toddler and the other kids favourite meal of a big bowl of chilli was waiting for them when they got home from school?

The way this thread has become all about why OP made a small roast for a lunch that the older kids weren't present for, rather than the issue about the DH's refusal to let her parent, is just insane.

Chronic theft is almost always indicative of a much bigger problem. Their bm has clearly abandoned them so there's trauma there. They could also have other neurological things that make impulsivity much worse (FASD, ADHD etc.). Childhood trauma alone is highly correlated with both theft and lying. You also can't discipline trauma away, which may also be why discipline isn't working.

I do not say this as an excuse but I'd be curious as to whether they've had support around their mother leaving, their relationship with her and anything else.

I think you need a good conversation with your partner, an effort to be a team and a bit of a reality of what needs to happen to make your family work - for you, for your children and for your stepchildren. This will only become a bigger issue if the right supports aren't found and/or you carry on as you are.

Maybe there's no mum involved because he's such a plonker.
Maybe he's stepped back on the discipline because he now has you there so he can sit back and relax while u bring up his kids and Ur own.
Id not be putting up with this because it doesn't work for you or your kids at all. He just has got lazy and wants to ignore Ur wants/needs now you are in.
Time to have a talk and a plan to leave which you will carry out unless he starts working hard with you to turn this disaster round.

Re:Roast dinner, it is actually more sensible to meal prep instead of cooking lunch everyday so no problem there. Important questions;

1. Does child with severe needs go on the bus alone as well after school?
2. DP is not working, why does he not help with the little ones or help cook the lunches for you?
3. Have you met their mum? Why did she completely disapper for 7 years?
4. Seeing as everyone is out of work, what are the plans going forward? 5)Have you guys considered counselling for everyone especaillly the kids who seem to have obviously been affected by the divorce and mother completely running away from them?

We all sympathise with you OP but there are so many questions here and unfortunately, it would be hard to give any advise based on the drip feeding and scarce facts

This exactly. What a mess and recipe for disaster. I wish people would focus on their existing kids first.

Absolutely. Poor kids honestly.

You say these are not new behaviours, so you basically knew all this, as well as agreed not parent these kids before marrying him(and having 2 more children, what were you expecting to happen??

This is it. Men like this who are parenting alone and aren’t coping with their current bunch of kids, will go on have the additional children with a new woman so they will stick around and raise all of them.

A man with four kids once approached me and I practically laughed in his face and told him why. He said it was rewarding to look after other people’s kid - I said that’s nice you feel that way, go find a single mother to help out! He went silent at that one - go figure.

It’s wild to me that men say women are too fussy, when there’s women who will take on a man who has 4 kids with various issues and actually have more children with him.

You say you’ve been married for 6 years so how long have you been together?
Did you get married after moving in?

If discipline is not you business then the kitchen and fridge is out of bounds to SS. Tell your DH the next time your money goes missing you are reporting it to the police- my brother was like this ,and my mum enabled him as your DH is. He very nearly went to prison when he left home-the outside world weren't indulgent like my mother.

Some people are focusing on the food. It’s not about the food.

This sounds like a nightmare. I would look at trying to leave this situation as it doesn’t sound like you are getting much out of this relationship.