Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Ahh op this sounds so hard.

I would try and not let it ruin an otherwise good relationship with both your partner and his daughter.

It sounds like they were suddenly placed under alot of pressure I are very unhappy about this.

It's one day, what matters is your overall relationship with them both rather then something that happened 1 day

The bride, groom and your DP need to tell them to get stuffed.

This is bizarre. YANBU.

I have no words to help console you, that must be absolute shit and nothing anyone says will change that.

The only advice I would offer is to book yourself into a spa hotel for that day and night, preferably with a friend but alone if necessary and go all out pampering yourself.

And take the outfit back for a refund. What cunts telling you now? It gives you one days notice. How much did you spend on the outfit coz i'd be looking at your OH paying for that if i'm honest.

It's very weak of your dp to agree to leave you out but it's the bride's day, perhaps she's grieving her mum at this milestone occasion and is struggling to see her dad with someone else. It's not your dp's place to insist.

Sounds like he's hurting you to keep the peace with wider family.

I wouldn't take it too personally but I would be thinking carefully about the kind of man you're with.

What! and they both said OK then?

Wow, they shoved you under the bus pretty quick, didn't they?!!

It is not up to the family. If the bride wants you there then you should be.

The bride wants you there? Surely she's not going to let her relatives order her around like this?

I would be really hurt how quick they were to cut you out :(

That’s awful! And her mum was never going to be there - why did this only occur to them this near to the date. And why did your DP just agree to it?

What nonsense is this, that they don't want you at the wedding.

If the daughter and your partner want you there, they need to speak up and make it happen and tell them, you'll be there. I can't believe those family members are being so selfish.

Her mum can't be there, because she's dead. It's been over 5 years.

If the bride wants you there then she needs to step up or get her father to tell the relatives that you are going to be there .

If the bride has invited you then you're welcome to go. Her relatives can't tell her who she can and can't invite. I empathise with his late wife's family in that it might be an emotional moment that brings up a painful loss, but this is the loss of the bride's own mother we're talking about so if she wants you there that's what matters.

I find it hard to believe that 30 people, none of whom have met you, all think this. Who’s the ringleader? Can the bride have a word with others in that part of the family and push back?

This is ridiculous. The bride needs to put them in their place and you should never have been made aware about it (ie you should just go as planned).

If the bride is upset why is she going along with it? His late wife’s family have had months to discuss this with her and to do it at the 11th hour is deeply spiteful.

The bride is fine with the OP being there. It's her mum's family members.

I think the damage is well and truly done. The people complaining should be put in their place and be told the op is going and if they're not happy they don't have to come

I'd never forgive either of them for treating me like this.

I'd be using the day I have on my own to pack his stuff up ready for him coming home

Wife's family are awful putting this on the bride the day before. It sounds like she is trying to ensure there is no atmosphere at wedding and even that 30 people giving daggers at you is t going to be comfortable for anyone.
I would rise above late wife's family, see if you can still be a part of the day eg if in a hotel go to the spa during day and then come for the evening?
The lack of thought is likely due to them being shocked as it has been put on bride/partner at the last minute.

is there a cultural aspect to this?

If the wife/mum had died last year, or even last few years I would think fair enough. But she died 9 years ago. You've obviously been involved with the arrangements- I don't necessarily mean organising but you have been present around many conversations. Has your DP / his DD never discussed you with the maternal family? If not I can see why they might be shocked. But if they have and your role in the new structure of the family is clear then no way should they be agreeing to you not attending. I would be re-examining my relationship under those circumstances.

What did the bride want? If my late dads family had said this about my stepdad I would have said that it was their choice if they wanted to come but I wasn’t uninviting anyone. It never occurred to me to ask my stepdad not to sit with my mum either.

I would already have reevaluated the relationship and it would be over for me. Trust has gone.

Bloody hell. It actually never occurred to me that my dp's ex wife's family could do this, or indeed that my late dh's family would insist that dp didnt come to my ds's wedding BECAUSE IT'S MORE THAN A BIT INSANE. Luckily everyone is civilised, in fact I really like dp's ex wife and her mum, and I will be at dp's daughters wedding. Tbh if ds asked not to have dp at his wedding I would have major talks with him, but I really don't think he ever would.

I can see that you've been put in an impossible position by your dp's daughter acceding to this stupid demand, and she perhaps hasn't thought through the implications. I do think that all you can do is hold your head high and do something absolutely wonderful for yourself that weekend. But if it were me i would express how I felt to my dp, once, and then move on.