Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

The difference is that they DID want op involved and have a good enough relationship for that, but have now decided she isn't invited because another family member objects.

@Daisrose The circumstances for OP are completely different from your situation. I suggest you read the whole thread. Her invitation was withdrawn two days before the wedding because an uncle and aunt objected to her presence.

I've been through similar, so I feel I can just ask straight: Your mother is not going to be there anyway, it's going to be glaringly obvious to you on the day. How does your father's partner being there actually change any of that? You won't forget your mother isn't there and won't need a reminder of that fact to know it.

Yours is a horrible situation to be in, I know, but I also know that there's no way to escape these realities.

Yeah and it doesn’t even seem like Op sees the daughter much so she won’t be discussing it much with OP . If her partner tries to discuss it with her he can easily be shut down.

There’s no real reason for this wedding to come up in their conversations frequently
once it’s passed.

Maybe the odd occasion a family member from her partners side might mention it in the future?

And my aunts/uncles unreasonable or not (and I do think they are) would definitely come before a parents partner. People are being unrealistic and bizarre suggesting she put Op ahead of her bio maternal family.

@Daisrose There have also been significant arguments between this partner and myself and my siblings, which hasn’t helped

But this is completely different to the situation OP is in isn’t it?

This is another classic MN's dilemma - which nearly always ends up with blaming (&/or taking it out) on the hapless man.

The OP was disinvited to the wedding, by the bride because the aunt & uncle (sister or brother & spouse) of her deceased mother didn't want the OP at the wedding or reception.

Despite this being a major slight to the DP by the bride's family, and the fact that was very upset about it(as the OP states), the hapless DP had to relay the news to the OP. (In all probability, he had made his feelings on the matter clear to the bride & possibly the horrid, bitter in laws, but it's the bride's call & he had to respect this regardless.) Further it took from his enjoyment of the special day for him & he ended up in tears in the day because of the heart felt, magnanimous text from the OP.

Despite all this many posters on here are calling him 'spineless', that he' didn't have the OP's back', or further out there again, that he 'must not have wanted the OP there' himself.

So the bride disinvites the OP, most probably cos the aunt (deceased Mum's sister), thereby by passing the DP's wishes, the DP had to relay the news and yet the OP is now reevaluating her relationship with the DP.

So what did the DP get out of all of this- insulted, plans ruined, tasked with a horrible, hard , thankless job, that he hated & didn't agree with, (informing the OP) his enjoyment of a special day ruined, & all because he was stuck in the middle of 3 women all at cross purposes!?!

P.s. If I were him, I might reevaluating his relationship with 2 of the 3 of them, and maybe 3 depending on how the 3rd reacts going forward to this one off event, where invites were ultimately decided by the bride, influenced by the aunt....

But does not wanting your parents’ partner present out of respect for your mum, who is no longer here, override respect for your parent who is still here ? If you don’t get on with your step parent that’s one thing, but not being able to see that your surviving parent is entitled to move on after what sounds like a significant period of time has passed is quite another.

I personally don't think you are wrong to not invite them, but I think that will not be the popular view on here.

It's annoying that people make other people's weddings about themselves and their relationships with other guests, when really it's the couples wedding day and only that.

For example I think OP is not so upset about missing the wedding for the brides sake, but because her relationship isn't validated by attending her boyfriends daughters wedding. I don't think it's fair to put that above what the bride wants (which is for her family to attend).

Your partner doesn’t want you at the wedding.

Why do you still want to be with him??

So sorry to hear how hurt you are. It's such a painful situation. Unfortunately I also think that you should reconsider the relationship on the basis of whether it has the same meaning for you both. He's basically said you're a convenience and when things get tricky you're not a priority. Whereas I think for you the relationship is more meaningful. If you want a meaningful relationship then that needs to be with someone more worthy of your love.

It's not weird his family has funny ideas and they were unpleasant to his brothers girlfriend. I chose to be with him not his family. The ops partners family does not have to like the op. The op was trying to impose herself by making suggestions on how she can go to the wedding. The aunt and uncle who have been in their nieces life from dot can attend the wedding and op attend the evening meal. She suggested that she won't sit near him if she was to attend, come on have some dignity. She can't expect the bride to chose the op over her own family. His family does not have to like her.

To repeat myself: the bride and groom send out invitations.
It is then up to the recipient to decided if they are attending or not.
End of story.
No recipient, no matter who they are, has the right to then say they will only attend if another recipient is barred. It is not their wedding. Anybody who does so and feels that strongly should not attend.
It is supposed to be a joyful event, not one where one family member detonates a late bomb and uses manipulation.
I am sure the bride’s late mum would not have wanted her daughter to be put in such an awful position at such a late stage.
The gracious thing would been to have turned up and cheered the bride. That’s what the invitation is for.
My mum had died three years before I got married. My dad was ill as well, and one of her oldest friends (female) walked us both down the aisle. My dad had a companion by then (his term!) and she was sat with her daughter with our family. She was absolutely brilliant helping out with the kids, she helped him pick his suit, I was delighted to have her there.
I have a grumpy aunt. If she’d have told me my dad’s girlfriend wasn’t allowed, I’d have told her she could do one.
I would have loved for my mum to see me get married, but I accepted she wasn’t there and we made the best of it. She got referred to often during the day, mainly because she was very fussy and a bit like Hyacinth, and I did miss her. But it’s a day to live in the present and look to the future, too.

I didn't get the impression that the OP was trying to impose herself. She was invited.

Sorry, I think you've been too soft on him, I would be raging. He didn't have your back when the chips were down. He allowed you to be excluded from this very important day, on the say so of people who don't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. He's not on your team. When the chips are down, he supports the other side. No way would I have sent him a gushing message. What are you thinking? He doesn't have your back, that's what this boils down to. You're not a team. I'd end it. My DH can be a right arsehole at times, but he has my back 1000% and I have his. He would have nipped this is in the bud at the very mention of me not attending. These relatives basically said that you're not family and not important enough to attend, and he agreed with them. WTF!

I don’t think people are calling DP spineless for going along with it - he had little choice. OP hasn’t said whether or not he argued her case, but l think had he done so he would have told her, so l suspect he hasn’t rocked the boat. He’s just accepted it. OP knows this was a no win situation and that’s why she stayed away. But for the future she needs to know that DP has her back because what’s happened suggests that in the future she’s going to be hidden away from extended family simply because they don’t want to acknowledge her existence. And l don’t know anyone who would find that acceptable.

And you know what's coming next, don't you? You'll be excluded from Christenings. FUCK THAT.

You are a troll or a total nut job who enjoys stirring up trouble. It has been explained more than once why OP is feeling hurt. Why do you insist on making up you own scenarios? People like you make me wish Mumsnet had a block button.

How do you know he didn't want her at the wedding? The way I see it, the Aunt and Uncle put him in a situation where he had to choose between what his DD wanted (to have her dead DM's sibling at the wedding), or what he wanted (the OP there). It was made clear buy the Aunt and Uncle that it was an either/or situation, (He feels stuck as bride wants aunt/uncle there and they have threatened not to come/leave if I’m present), so he chose to go with what his DD wanted, which any loving father would do. The man couldn't do right for doing wrong when it came down to it.

His extended family doesn't have to like her. I don't likey daughter's boyfriend when she comes to visit he waits outside. If he thinks my daughter is worth the trouble then good on him he loves my daughter. I still don't like him and he ain't welcome in my house.

Forgot to quote the above in my reply.

What a tough weekend for you OP & your response was perfect - getting busy / being productive and spending the day with your sister who supports you.

I always think we should pay attention to how people treat us in life.

You didn’t deserve what happened and in your shoes I’d be forging ahead with a life filled with people who have my back and treat me with respect and kindness - neither the dead wife’s sibling, your DP or his daughter have done this sadly.

There has to be more to it. No one would suddenly 2 days before a wedding say" i don't want Todd's girlfriend there and if she is we're not going". This is someone he's been with 5 years, the sister has been dead for 9 so it's not like she was a new girlfriend or his affair partner.

The fact that the daughter rolled over and agreed to exclude her from the whole thing so easily and without a fight also points to more. Especially if as the OP says she's been so involved with the organising (no one other than me or my now ex helped organise our wedding so I find that odd).

The OP's actions yesterday and turning all the clocks round so she couldn't see the times and wouldn't be reminded of what was happening when is rather melodramatic.

But she's oh so strong, so dignified. He's weak, and the aunt and uncle are horrible.

OP didn’t try to impose herself on the wedding at all. She was invited. And long before she was disinvited she had agreed to sit separately from DP so as not to be seen to be taking the place of the bride’s mother. And the relatives were insistent that OP not even attend the evening celebrations - where traditionally wider family and friends who did not attend the wedding itself are invited. That’s just spiteful. It’s not a case of the relatives not liking OP - they’ve never met her. It’s that they have never moved on from their loss and don’t expect the widower to either - even after nearly a decade - so they want everyone to join in with them in pretending OP doesn’t exist. It’s batshit and off the scale entitlement.

Exactly, the op came on here to get sympathy and massage her wounded ego.

What’s the point of this post ? The reasons have been done to death over 38 pages. The relatives waited until two days before the wedding before making their demands because they haven’t moved on from their loss and don’t want to be confronted with the sight of their late sisters’ husband with someone else. OP has never met them. What else do you think is going on ? What don’t you understand ?