Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Oh no it’s the opposite . He has made it quite clear who and what matters most and it’s not op

It would be the end for me @Oscarcleo

I said YABU in the context of wanting the nuclear reaction of ending your relationship

The bride is being blackmailed essentially by her mother's relatives. Of course she wants them there, she is between a rock and a hard place.

Most people remarry, have second partners or wifes/husbands whatever, so its not surprising that people attending are going to have other partners, including the bride. Its shocking that they're putting this to her.

However Im not sure why you're blaming him. He isnt responsible for his daughter's extended family. He isnt responsible for what choice his daughter makes.

Perhaps the bride thinks your relationship with her and with your partner is strong enough to over come this. You clearly think differently.

Sure. To leave it this late in the day is shitty of her. But how does this make it the father's fault to the extent that he deserves to be left?

Good God, what a nasty lot - and I'm afraid that your DP and the bride don't come out of this too well either.

Do something lovely for yourself on the day but as others have said, express your disappointment and displeasure once and leave them to it.

Obviously, you don't want to spoil the bride's day so pick your moment carefully but they need to be told. You have valid feelings too.

Speak to the bride and be gentle with her. Tell her you’d love to go but don’t want her distressed and if she’s feeling pushed and put upon to have you not there, you’ll step back but want her to know you still love her very much. This is really difficult and awful of her mum’s family but she’ll love her granny and aunties and feel pulled in all directions. Just show her your support and it will make all the difference. I feel for you but there’s nothing you can do but accept it with good grace. I think it’s wrong of the family but you can’t argue with grief and clouded decisions

I agree that if your oartner is going to listen to these scumbag in laws than the relationship is dead and I’d be getting my ducks in a row.

What has your partner said?

Its not his choice is it, how are so many posters laying into this person.

The bride decides, not the partner.

This sounds very hurtful and last minute OP, but I'm also trying to put myself in their shoes. If my DD had died, and her daughter was getting married, it could well be very hard to see the DD's husband's new wife there on a day which is all about family.

This is outrageous and I’d find it v hurtful and humiliating. however I’d imagine it is a difficult situation for the bride trying to keep everyone happy and perhaps not had time to actually think it through properly before giving into pressure. Have you met the family before who made this idiotic request out of interest?

surely you will play a much larger role in the brides future alongside your DP, her dad, in terms of family events, possible grandchildren etc than distant/extended family will have so it seems nuts to disrespect you so much, when you are clearly already bending over backwards to put yourself in the background on this.

I wouldn’t beg, but I would let DP/bride know your feelings on being cast aside on someone else’s unreasonable whim. If they don’t change their mind to do what is right and apologise profusely then I would take myself off somewhere lovely for the evening and take it one step at a time after that to see how you feel once all over- no ultimatums needed now.

Have you discussed it with the bride/groom and your partner or is it a case of them saying you can’t come and that’s final?

You’ll either be uncomfortable around people who don’t want you there or sad to be uninvited. It’s a shit situation either way.

This. I got married 6 years after my DM died. My now DSm was there. My DM’s mother and sister would not have dreamed of banning her. This is ridiculous!

Not after 9 years. 9 months yes, but not 9 years. They shouldn’t even voice such a thing after 9 years.

Right? It's a pretty horrible exposing feeling when you realise your partner doesn't have your back.

Yes, agreed. In my case it was 6 years - and I would not have tolerated any relative trying to ban my dad’s partner.

The bride should tell them tough you're going. If they dont like it. They dont have to come.

It sounds like the partner has also told
OP no. Regardless, if it it’s the DSD’s decision, then the relationship with her is also broken so OP would be better off leaving dad and daughter to it.

OP this is absolutely awful. I'm so sorry.
I would speak to the bride and let you know how you feel - as in, tell her how excited you've been to be part of the big day, how much you would love to celebrate with them, and how you'd purposely been very tactful about not replacing anybody out of respect for her mother. As sad as you are that the mother can't be there, you feel absolutely distraught that you've been excluded, and you really hope this is what is making the bride happy and not other family who's wedding day it is not.

I don't understand why they wouldn't want a new partner there 9 years after a death and after you've been a part of the family for 5 years. This ultimately will make you feel always excluded and never able to fully be part of the family if the deceased is taking priority over a living person who is present and has love to give now.

What has the bride said about it?

Well I suppose it might have to do with who is paying. OP, are any of these people holding the purse strings? It's the bride I feel sorry for, sounds like she is marrying into a nest of vipers.

Why on earth would his wife not be family? Your wife bloomin well IS your family!
Baffling.

This is very harsh from the family but dont let this end a good happy relationship, it's what they would want.
Sorry you're being made to feel this way maybe you could plan a lovely weekend with a friend spa nice food lovely hotel if things dont change so as your not on your own the day of the wedding you could even go abroad for s few days... sod them all.

Wow, as you are together that seems to me by hiding you ...they are pressing a lie onto this wedding...awful karma ...for a ceremony about love. Really sad

How hurtful. What exactly have you done wrong in their eyes!
I agree it is weak of your DP not to have gently said to them that you are part of his life and his daughter's life, and he would like you to be there.
If I were him I'd be very angry that they don't seem to want to allow him to move on.

I also think it's poor of him not to have anticipated earlier this might come up and have headed it off.

Wow that's awful. Did DP and bride say you wouldn't be at top table and there as a guest only? Did they advocate for you at all? You're not replacing her mother at all. This is very controlling of the departed mother's relatives, even if they haven't met you and wedding would be the first time. Your DP is allowed to move on with his life. What if he had had more children? Would everyone have had a last minute invite retraction? I agree it will make things unnecessarily difficult in the future and has pitted you in opposition, which is not the case. DP and bride should have been firmer but if they were unreasonable at 11th hour you have been sacrificed to make the peace. Not a nice feeling OP and I would also need to think how I felt. On the one hand they are in horrible situation on other it sets a precedent you have no place in larger family. You could step back going forward/distance yourself/end relationship or gracefully accept this time and no further, for example you will be your dp's plus one at all other functions? Really your DP should have had no truck with it, but can imagine a stressed emotionally manipulated bride sad about her mum not being there on a life event and guilted by family caving in.